I quit smoking when I was 20 years old. The precipitating moment happened when I was working out. I was doing an aerobics video (as we did in the late 80s) and I was really out of breath. Like wheezy out of breath. And I thought to myself that it was ridiculous that at 20 years old I should be out of breath doing a workout and so I was quitting smoking. And I did. It took me a couple of weeks. I limited the time each day that I would allow myself to smoke and took an hour off each end every couple of days. And that was that. Brent was still a smoker at that point and it would be a few more years before he quit completely so there were always cigarettes around if I wanted one, but I was done with it so I didn't.
I was reminded of this moment today while I was working out. Not that I got wheezy and thought what do I quit now? But because of the trainer. He was telling his precipitating moment for weight loss transformation story. He was living in an apartment on the third floor of the building and was taking his groceries up. He had to stop on the landing at the second flight and rest before finishing. He was 24 and at that moment decided he didn't want to be heavy and out of shape anymore. He will always remember that moment. Just like I will always remember my no more smoking moment.
The biggest difference between our stories is the way we tell them now. I assume the story he proceeded to tell over the next 20 minutes or so is his standard "this is how I changed" story. Just like if you ask me now or tomorrow or next year or had asked me 15 years ago I would tell you the same story about quitting smoking. Including the amusing anecdotes about the times my brain forgot I quit and went on autopilot looking for cigarettes without me even realizing what I was doing at first. I assume his story is the same story no matter how many times he tells it. So I noticed the glaring difference in them.
Shame.
I can hear the shame in his voice as he talks about being an overweight kid. I can hear it when he talks about his siblings both being athletes and him feeling like his family would say about him, "well at least he's smart." I can hear it when he talks about needing to take that rest before walking up another flight of stairs. And even when he talks about it taking him over a year to lose the weight he was carrying and how even 10 years on in his journey he still sometimes has two pieces of cake. So much shame.
I have zero shame over smoking.
I have regrets. Part of me wishes I hadn't. Because I know I did damage to my body. I know my lungs were still developing as a teenager and I prevented them from reaching full potential by smoking. I carry a deep wrinkle on my upper lip that I caused all of those years ago from smoking (the purse of the lips for smoking itself and the damage to the collagen in my face from the smoke). I wish I didn't have those. I wish I had been smart enough to realize that all of the health warnings around smoking were serious and would affect me. But that isn't the same as shame.
And that's weird because technically what I was doing was not only damaging to my health it was illegal. So you would think there would be shame, but there isn't. It is a thing I did. It wasn't healthy. But I did it.
Now part of the no shame is that it wasn't all bad. I know, health wise, all bad, but there were benefits. It helped me regulate my mood. Like gave me time to cool off when I was angry. Gave me an excuse to step outside away from crowds when I was overwhelmed with all of the people. It gave me deep conservations with other smokers who also sat outside with me while we smoked. We didn't have phones to stare at back then, so we talked to each other. Smoking was a social activity but it was limited in the number of people involved so it wasn't an overwhelming activity. All of that and I just looked so cool smoking. (Kidding, but not really, we did think it looked cool back then)
But no shame.
But his story? Full of it.
And I get it.
Weight is still an issue for me. I've had more Ah HA! This is it! moments that changed EVERYTHING than I can even remember anymore. And sometimes they do. I lose a lot of weight, or I reach some other health goal, and it's all fabulous until I gain it back, or lose it all depending on what I'm measuring and then wonder what the fuck is wrong with me.
I inherited my unhealthy obsession with weight from my mother and my aunt and I tried not to pass it along to my son, but...
The good news is he isn't obsessed like I am. The bad news is that I still am. I want to be thin and muscular for vanity. I know that's part of it. But I also want to be as healthy as I can be. So that means I need to do cardio to battle back the heart disease that runs rampant in my family. I need to lift weights to keep my muscles and my bones strong to be able to keep moving relatively pain free. And I need to keep telling myself that being heavy isn't a shameful thing.
We all need to do that.
We need to do the things that feed our bodies in the best possible way. Healthy foods, exercise, fresh air, adventures. All of those things. And we need to move past the space where we judge ourselves and others over weight. I know some people who are on the outside very thin and fit looking but are actually soft, squishy, cardio averse squiggles. I also have some friends who fall squarely into the "unhealthy" BMI range (a made up measure that we shouldn't pay attention to but that's another story), who you would look at and think, "fat and unhealthy" because we are trained to see people like that. But who would kick your ass on a hike, or at the gym because they are fit. Fat, having it or not, doesn't measure fitness.
Excess weight can be hard on your body. That's a truth. But that excess weight can be in the form of fat or muscle. Your frame is designed to hold what it is designed to hold. So if you have joint issues with your legs, especially hip to foot, you probably want to make sure you keep your weight a little lower. But more importantly than that you want to keep your muscles strong and your flexibility good.
If you have a history of heart disease in your family you want to make sure you keep your cardio efforts up. Work that heart muscle, don't let it get sluggish.
Basically maintain your fitness.
And if you want extra cake, have it. No shame.
I say all of that, and I know all of that but it's so hard to really live all of that. And hard not to nag Christopher to do all of that as well. Because I want him to be be healthy. And I know how much harder it gets as you age. And I know he has a family health history that means he has a predisposition to some serious issues that being healthy and fit can stave off. But his choices are his, and nothing I say will really change that. And I so don't want him to get any other message from me other than I really want him to be healthy.
Because that's my shame. And it's bad enough that he inherited my genetic code that says he will have a higher risk for heart disease, high blood pressure, arthritis and a few forms of cancer, he shouldn't have to have the family trait of stealth eating in a parking lot pretending the calories won't count if you never bring the food inside...or hiding a wrapper at the bottom of the trash can because you don't want anyone to know you polished off a whole bag of Doritos while watching Say Yes to the Dress...(allegedly)
I'd really like to look back in 10 years and say "I remember the precipitating moment well. I was listening to an iFit trainer talk about his weight loss and the amount of shame he had in his story broke my heart. I changed right then and there. Never again did I attach a value judgement to my weight, or anyone else's for that matter."
Wouldn't that be lovely?
And if it happens you can say, I remember that day. And maybe you will join me in the change as well.
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