Proud?

You know how things take over Facebook? The games, the memes, the challenges? Well if you are friends with me you should know about the challenges at least. You know how much I love a challenge and yet will never do it exactly the way the rules dictate...

Anyway, one that has been on my feed a lot this month is the post "Please brag to me about something you did in 2020 that you're proud of" usually the post is accompanied by how bad and negative 2020 has been and so we need an uplifting moment. I've read a lot of the brags that follow. Some of them are funny, some of them are really very profound. Some of them are obviously brags that have been polished and trotted out often, Look at me!

And then there are the ones that aren't there.

I see those too.

The ones where I imagine someone reading the post and thinking they have nothing they are proud of to post about. I know a few people who would be hard pressed to ever think of something positive about themselves. Even though there are so many things they could choose. But I imagine them reading the brag posts and wondering what is wrong with them. 

And nothing. Nothing is wrong. 

My biggest brag for 2020? The thing I'm most proud of? Making it through. And making it through with my sense of humor intact. Mostly.

Twenty twenty has been hard. A different scale of hard. The whole world has been facing the same difficulty, but in different ways. What is the expression? We are all in the same storm but we aren't all in the same boat? I know I'm very lucky that I am in a very nice boat. It has heat. It has food. It floats. But (to beat a metaphor to...well...death) our boat didn't have enough life preservers for everyone. We lost family. Our boat didn't have the smoothest of rides and poor Tig got tossed in a wave hard enough to break a leg. But our boat is still floating. 

Not everyone is feeling that way. 

So I look at the brag posts and I wonder what they are feeling when they read other people's brags? Does it make them feel like the world is still a good place? There are people doing amazing things, even in the midst of a pandemic. Or does it make them feel like they are forgotten? Like the world has moved past them?

I've had moments of both this year. Times when it was a real comfort to see that the world kept spinning. That people kept doing wonderful things. And there we times when I wanted to scream at everyone to stop and mourn. To take everything seriously. To understand people were dying and they needed to...

I don't know what they needed to do, but I know I was frustrated they were doing other things. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I didn't tell everyone what assholes they were for continuing to live their lives like nothing had changed. The times I understood that for a lot of people nothing has changed. They aren't touched by this at all, except that it's keeping them from doing things exactly the way they want to. I held my tongue. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I told people to stop being assholes and understand that they needed to change the way they were living for a little bit. Wear the damn mask. Take a few steps back. People are actually fucking dying and you can help stop that. I spoke my mind. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I was able to get out of my own head and help other people. Donations of money and things people needed. The times I remembered to reach out to friends who were also not having an easy time of it. So many losses this year. So many people struggling. The times I remembered it wasn't all about me and my little family. I'm proud of that. 

One of the things I'm most proud of for 2020? The times I shut out the rest of the world and just took care of us. We needed some extra attention this year. With Ann and with Tig and with C being sick (mild, I can't be proud of that but I can be relieved), and with the drama of a false positive. There were times we just needed to shut out the rest of the world and lick our wounds and we did it. I'm proud of that. 

So for anyone out there that reads those brag posts and thinks they have nothing to brag about?

I see you. 

And I see that you are here.

Five days away from 2021.

You made it.

I'm proud of you. 

Brag away.