One More Milestone...

It's weird. 

That could sum up 2020 right? 

Specifically I'm talking about going into our first Christmas since Ann died. 

It's weird. 

It feels like she has been gone for so much longer, and then when I think about it, it's been just about 7 months. Not even as long as my mom was dead before Ann died. Which is part of why it's weird. I get it. We weren't even through with the first year of mourning for her when we started again. So it feels like we have been mourning forever, and we have been mourning for over a year now.

And it's because she died in the first wave.

We have so many friends that have lost family in the second wave, and the third wave that it feels like we are old hands. Like we've been here for a long time. But it's only because 2020 has been so long. So very very long. 

And it's weird anyway. 

Looking back on my On This Day feed and 12 years ago Portland had a harsh stretch of weather. Schools ended up closed for basically a month for the holiday. We got snow, then ice, then more snow and it just never warmed up for it to go away before the next storm would hit. It was crazy bad. And during that holiday stretch Ann had decided she would come visit us for Christmas. It was the year after Jack died and we thought we were looking at a new tradition. 

And we weren't super happy about it. 

The small stretch of time we lived in New Mexico after Christopher was born we did Christmas with both families. It was crazy. Opening gifts at home then rushing Christopher out before he could play with any of them. Then afternoon with my family and back out to home for evening with Brent's folks. It was crazy and exhausting and when we moved we stopped even trying to go home for the holidays. We started to do really simple things for Christmas. At the time part of it was buying a new game and playing games and snacking while we sat around in our soft clothes. The thought of having to get dressed and have company and do a whole thing again wasn't thrilling. 

We just didn't have an easy, laid back, soft clothes all day sort of relationship with Ann. It was always complicated. I've written about it before. Jack and Ann were wonderful grandparents to Christopher. Great relationship there. I will always be grateful for that. But they weren't always the best parents to Brent. And they were challenging in-laws for me. At least at the beginning. Eventually we found a rhythm. But not a spend every Christmas together sort of rhythm.

But...Jack had just died. We knew she had to be lonely. So life changes. 

Then the snow hit. And hit. And hit. Her flight got cancelled and moved so many times that instead of coming in two days before Christmas she landed Christmas night. And then while she was here another storm hit and she barely got back out again to go home. That ended the coming to Portland for Christmas idea. Even though the odds of it happening again were slim (though we've had Christmas storms like 3 times since then, but none as bad). It was just too much for her. 

And we were relieved. 

And that was so much easier to deal with when she was alive. Now? The whole challenging relationship part is A LOT of baggage to unpack. And it's unfair. Not to her, or about her, but in general. We had figured it out and made everything work as best as we could considering the history and who we all were. But once she died and that complicated relationship was set and finished? It's just harder. Death is so final.

I mean, we get that, right? On an intellectual level we all get that. There is an ending that will happen. I think it's a large part of why religions with life after death beliefs are so popular. Because we know that death is final, but man we fucking hate it. So if you can make it not so, you do that. But for me? Death is final. What we had with Ann is what we had, and that was not celebrating Christmas together and being okay with that. 

And we were. 

Honestly. 

And we still will be. 

Just this year will be a little difficult. 

And there will be flashes and patches of more difficult moments as we finish the year of firsts and then years of memories. It doesn't go away, but you can make dark jokes about it eventually, like this year when we got the card from the Army reminding us that Jack's still dead but hey we got a new liaison so that's good right?

It's actually a lovely thing they do, if you lose someone while they are in the service there is a whole department that you have access to that can help. And they really did help navigate all of his benefits and paperwork when he died. But they keep in touch. Thirteen years later and we get invitations to the "Your Dad's Dead" barbeque. We get "Your Dad's Still Dead" Memorial Day cards. And the annual "Yeah, Your Dad's STILL Dead" Christmas Card. If I check the mail first I usually just slip them into the recycle bin before Brent sees them. I mean, he knows his dad is dead. But it's a nice help for some I am sure. 

So at least we won't get those every year for Ann. Though I would guess we will add it ourselves. Hey! Just letting you know your dad's still dead, we'd have sent one to your mom but well...

So here we are. The thirteenth Christmas since Jack, the ninth since my dad, the second since my mom and the first since Ann. Merry Christmas! All of your parents are dead!

I'm not sure it would be a best selling Hallmark card but I bet it would make one hell of a Christmas carol because seriously those songs are the most depressing ever!

So yeah....

Merry Christmas 2020, hopefully next year will be more festive and we will all be better off than we are right now. Until then we'll have to muddle through somehow... (seriously, they are depressing songs)