Another First Past Again...

We are past the first Thanksgiving without Ann. Marking the first holidays is usually really difficult. But this year it was...

Odd.

I think odd sums it up the best.

Normally we would have called her and checked in. Of course, we couldn't do that. But we watched a lot of our friends posting about Zoom Call Thanksgivings. What would have been semi-normal for us was completely different for them. And we didn't do it because our new normal is just us.

But even with it being odd, we are past the first major holiday. Christmas, her birthday, and then the double whammy of Mother's Day and the anniversary of her death on deck.

It's still very surreal. I forgot she was gone just last week. I was trying to figure out what I was missing for Thanksgiving, it seemed like I had forgotten something major (turns out it was a roasting pan) but while I was thinking of all the things it could be I thought, "Oh I need to remind Christopher to update his Amazon list for his grandmother." And then remembered that I didn't have to do that actually.

Oh.

It's such an odd year. The amount of universal loss is overwhelming. A friend had to say goodbye to one of her pets this week. It made me cry. It's always so hard to do. But then another friend posted a picture of their old dog enjoying Thanksgiving and I thought, wait, weren't they ill as well? I had to go back and look at old posts to see if I was remembering wrong. Because I had forgotten. Normally that's something I would keep in my head. But no...not this year.

And then a friend posted a GoFund me for another friend's expenses while she battles cancer. And I knew she had cancer, I sent her a cozy blanket for when she gets her chemo. Mom was always freezing when she got chemo. But in a way it was a shock to remember that yes, she has cancer. That is a thing that is still happening.

And then the Thanksgiving posts came and I have at least 5 friends who have lost a parent this year. Not counting Brent. Now, granted, we are all hitting the age where those of us with parents on the older side are losing them but still it seems like a lot over a short amount of time. 

And the Covid numbers keep climbing. We are at 263,000 deaths in the US alone. And I've talked about it before, it's so infuriating as one of those families to see people still want to downplay those deaths. Like it's not a big deal. They say well, it was something else, they died WITH it not FROM it. It's just the flu, it's just a bad cold, 99% survival rate...

Fuck all y'all.

Honestly. 

It just makes it so much harder to grieve naturally. I mean, it's hard enough in the time of Covid, let alone if they died from it. Funerals (for those who wanted to do them) had to be postponed or done with only a handful of those who wanted to attend there. Doing all of the things you have to do when someone dies is exponentially harder when government offices are at reduced staff, or closed all together. We still have one more thing that needs taken care of in New Mexico that has to be done in person. When the vaccine is available, I guess, but until then it just hangs out in the void.

I have two friends going through divorces and another thinking strongly about it. More loss. Different loss, but still there. Grieving a relationship instead of a person, but either way, grieving. 

It's just surreal at this point. 

So much loss. 

I can't hold it in my head. 

I know I've been a lousy friend this year. 

I'm not the best friend for the checking in and supportive moments anyway. I am more the pep talk when you ask for one friend. I'm really bad at the little things that make most friendships. I know this about myself. And anyone who has been friends with me for a long time knows that as well, and I so appreciate those that have stuck it out. Because I do really like you, and I think of you often, and I pay attention to your posts and your updates, but...I just don't think to text, or write, or gods forfend, call. I'm not that friend. 

And this year it's even worse.

Because I know so many people need those sorts of friends. Especially right now. 

But that's not me. 

I am so not that person that when others are it's always sort of shocking to me. Random gifts or cards or messages always kind of stun me. And remind me that I have attracted really great people even if I am a little (a lot) worse at that sort of thing. I always sort of want it to be me. I mean, I mean well. And sometimes I actually remember to follow through. But it's rare. 

This year though, I've been even worse. Teflon brain. There has been so much loss that I cannot hold it in my head anymore. Who lost a parent. Who lost a pet. Who is ill. Who is on the first year of a child not at home. Who is in a change in other ways. It's just so much. Too much.

So I am apologizing to everyone who has told me something only to have me be surprised a month later to hear it "for the first time." I would apologize one on one but...well...

Yeah.

I'm looking forward to getting back to even keel. To dealing the losses at a more reasonable pace. To having some sort of new baseline take hold that isn't tallied on the news every night.

It's been a bitch of a year. 

But at least we are past the first Thanksgiving.