This almost became my Daily Gratitude post today but it seemed a little off theme. Even though I think I have made a similar DG post before, probably phrased nicer, but anyway...
Grateful today for seeing the last post by a true blue asshole in my On This Day Feed.
Last year today I tossed one of the people who had probably known me the longest off my friend list. He finally crossed the line so far, and had done it so often that the memory of that sweet kid from elementary school and high school could no longer keep up. Because he wasn't sweet anymore. He grew up mean. And the worst kind of mean, the kind that cloaks it in religion and patriotism, which gives an even worse name to two areas that tend to have bad reputations anyway.
Now, to be fair, I have very little patience in June. Anyone who knows me knows this. I will not tolerate much. If you make it until July I might apologize for being a bitch in June and if you can stay until August I am very magnanimous then. But June? Forget about it. I mean Brent used to make sure he was in Germany for a good chunk of June every year. Okay, I'm kidding, he didn't do it on purpose, just the way it worked out with a conference he attended, but it did work out for him. He got to leave during the worst of it.
Though I've gotten much better. I haven't yelled at anyone. Now, some of you are pointing out that I'm not a yeller at all so that's not really a gauge, but what I mean when I say I haven't yelled at anyone I mean I haven't been aggressive, mean, used tone, snapped at...and when I say anyone I mean anyone who didn't deserve it.
Sometimes people need your attitude. They really do.
But honestly, it's not bad this year.
Grief is like that. Losing people. You never really get over it but you learn to deal with it. You carry it as a part of who you are now, but you don't let it lead the way anymore. It's there. Just not THERE. Usually.
Sunday will be the worst of it. It's that magical time when Father's Day and the day Dad died sync up. The first time was horrible. It was still really raw. Brent was in Germany. Christopher was home from school, which was great for me, but poor guy, knowing that Mom could fall apart at some point during the day, but who knows if or when. But we made it through. Just like we've made it through all of the other years, and now here we are again.
Sunday is Father's Day.
Sunday is the 8th anniversary of Dad's death.
Sunday is my mother's 87th birthday.
And my mother is starting to show her years. When we went back home last month we all saw it for the first time. I mean, obviously my mother has aged, but this time she had moments where she was old. She's living more and more in the past. Repeating stories from when she was younger. One about my grandmother defending my father to people who wanted to look down on him was a favorite. And I'm glad she told it. I had never heard it before. It was nice to think about my mother's mother defending my father. Because my dad was a really good man and I'm glad they realized it.
She stopped using the phone last year so I hadn't really spoken with her much so it seemed kind of sudden. But my guess is the slower slide has been happening for a long time and our visits back we just haven't had enough time to notice. This time I pretty much forced her hand into seeing us more than she normally does. I decided to think that she would only choose one family meal because she wanted to make sure we had time with friends and Brent's family. But we went back to see family. To see her and Brent's mother. The rest was extra if it fit in. So I pressed the issue and got one family dinner, one breakfast with her and my brother before they headed out to the casino (she has a routine and doesn't like to break it) and one more breakfast with just her. So we got more time. Which is good. She's almost 87 and as she says (all the time) it could be any day now.
Women in my family can live in to their 90s and even past 100. I think she would be disappointed if she does. She misses Dad and wants to join him. I feel that for her.
So yeah, June is not my best month for patience.
But it felt so good to see the post where I unfriended that asshole. Because it left more time in my life for people who didn't grow up mean.
Grateful for time. However much we have left.
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