Ummm....

I really need to finish out that whole Memory Lane story that seems to be going somewhere but very slowly...I just don't know what the next section is about. I've been trying to figure it out, but it's just not here yet.

So today I will write about something else and see if that jars something loose.

Had one of those awkward what should I have done moments today in Starbucks. It was weird. It started out perfectly benign. I was waiting for my drink and this man sitting at the bar stood up and walked over to me. He held out his hand to shake mine and said, "I just wanted you to know that you look very nice."

Okay...

"Thank you..."

And at this point I was really not sure where he was going. Did I look nice because I had smiled at the woman who held the door when I walked in? Did I look nice because I chatted a bit with the person who took my order? Did I look nice because the four other people waiting for drinks were teenagers rocking their sullen teen faces?

Then...

"I saw you walking over here and thought, Wow, so I just wanted you to know."

Oh...that kind of nice.

So let me tell you what I looked like right at that moment. I hadn't showered yet today, I had already been to the gym for one workout, and it was windy on the walk over so my hair was wonky. I didn't have any makeup on and it was a little warm, along with me just having walked a mile or so so my face was a bit shiny and blotchy. BUT...I have a really big butt and big boobs so...Yeah, I looked nice.

He kept talking and said wow about two more times to make it good and creepy as I distanced myself from him and said, "You have a good day" in the stop talking to me tone that most women of a certain age have. You know the one? The shut this shit down but still very polite because you are well over 6 feet tall and I am over a mile away from home which I need to walk back to and you know at least part of my route because Wow...

And on the walk home I was doubly aware of cars around me and who was driving them. And I thought about what I should have said, or could have said...because it's tricky.

I mean, I am not one to not like a compliment. If I was I would change my hair. Seriously, I get told at least once a week how much someone loves my hair. It's red. Like REALLY red. And it's a great deep red. And in the sunshine? Forget about it, I look like I'm rocking a red halo. It's glorious. And I get a lot of compliments on it, and on the cut. And I always thank them gleefully and tell them who colors it and cuts it. Sara is amazing and gets all the credit. So if compliments bothered me I would have her change it right away.

If someone tells me they enjoy my writing or that I made them laugh with a status update? It can make my whole week. Like I feel like I should print off positive comments and keep them in a flip book they make me so happy.  So, again, I like a compliment.

Even if he had just said, "I just wanted you to know that I think you're pretty." and then gone back and sat down it would have been weird, but it wouldn't have been as disturbing. It was the "I saw you walking" and the repeated "wows" that crossed the line. And I am sure, like 95% positive, that he thought he was just being nice. Women today, you can't say anything to them right? Well...it's not that you can't, it's that you really shouldn't. Keep it to yourself if what you've got is basically a direct commentary about her body. Even though you think you are being nice, and even though it is lovely when someone compliments me sincerely, it's fucking creepy to know you were being ogled while you are just walking down the street.

So, yeah, it was awkward. And disturbing. And it creeped me out on the walk home. And I put way too much thought in to my routine for the next week or so. I was actually walking later today than I have been and tomorrow I have a doctor's appointment so I won't be out at all, and I can vary my route a little, maybe head back into the neighborhood instead of going down and getting a glass of tea and...And like I said, he probably thought he was just being nice and probably didn't think another thing about it even though hours later I'm still bugged.

Which is why I wonder if I should have said something else? Like, hey, don't do that. Keep it inside your head. You think it's a good thing, but it's not. You have no idea how vulnerable that makes women feel. You think it's a good thing, but it's actually creepy. I should be free to walk around in my body without thinking about how you are reacting to it. Just don't...

But safety first right? We've all been yelled at by guys on the street when we didn't smile when told. Or guys in bars or clubs have called us bitches when we said no we wouldn't dance with them. I got called a dyke a lot in California when Brent was out to sea. That was the go to "insult" when you weren't interested in the dude who thought you should be interested in him, even though you were wearing a wedding ring and even said, "I'm married" when an offer was made. But no, they would spit "Dyke." I was never sure if it was supposed to make you react like, "I'm not a lesbian! Here! I will show you!" or what...but for me it was always, "Whatever. Either way I'm not interested in you." And I am fairly butch so though I would like to think I'd be more lipstick, I don't really take dyke as a bad thing.

I'm also not unaware of how I look. I have said before I have a little more va va to my voom. I am actually careful when I take pictures to crop them so I usually don't include much of my body. Because I know when I do that I'm going to get a lot of comment on it. Which can quickly go from Yeah, this is 50! flattering to Whoah...that was a bit much! So I post full body shots a few times here and there but not nearly the number of faces you get.

 And I'm not ashamed either, just so you know. I'm pretty pleased. I inherited a good combination of genes from my parents. I carry my weight well. I'm balanced. And I work out like a fiend to keep my muscles the way I want them. So I am not at all unaware or ashamed and I will take a well done compliment on both, thank you very much. Just don't be creepy.

 And don't talk to strangers like you would a friend.

 And don't use wow so much...