So far...

...so good.

I mean, sure, I did have that pile of things that I waited to send to Goodwill so I would have some low hanging fruit. And I did leave the mess in the garage to take care of when we got back as well. And even with that I'm still thinking I should probably get rid of everything we have stored in the garage that we don't use at least yearly. And okay, I might have bought a Fitbit but...

So far, so good really.

Not too terrible.

I mean, I have actively NOT started a few of the other tidying up projects I have in reserve because I can FEEL the urge to throw all of the things away just bubbling under the surface. And though I was going to switch over my winter clothes this week I'm pushing it another week because I don't want next winter to come and discover I have zero warm clothes left because they all went to Goodwill.

And yeah, of course, I've made sure that there are protein bars in the house to ensure that I eat something for lunch even when there is a part of me that is like, nah, I'm good, thanks. While simultaneously battling the urge to buy baked goods and face plant in them.

And yeah, sure, I've held my tongue in a few conversations because I want to scream WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? HOW CAN YOU LIVE LIKE THAT? But you know...so far, so good.

So you know the trip home went well. 

No really, it did. We've had so much worse. It just makes me tense to be there. I know that. I also know that I make my family tense as well. I don't know if they know that I know that but I know that. I'm just really different than everyone else, while at the same time being really alike.

I mean we are family.

I was raised by the same parents.

I have a lot of the same mannerisms.

I have similar "catch phrases."

We all say mmmmbye.

So really same same.

Except where we are really different.

Like, for instance, my sister was telling a story about being at a conference and being by the pool smoking and drinking and one of the ladies she was with was like, "Aren't you worried about cancer?" and she was like, "Look my mother has cancer, my aunts had cancer, it's coming for me so I'm not worried. And the women in my family live to be like 90 plus so I want to make sure I knock a few years off of that. I don't want that at all." And I'm like, "Yeah, we have a family history of cancer and heart disease and I'm planning on living to be 100 so I'll see you at the gym." So you know...a little different.

But that's good. It was all by choices. And I am super happy with my choices. And they are happy with theirs so it's all good, no?

And I really did prepare mentally for this trip back.

I was prepared for comments about my weight. I am about 10 pounds heavier than I was a few years ago when we were home. I was ready for comments about my hair. I am SUPER red right now and actually got it colored the morning we flew in so it was at its brightest. I even debated not coloring it this month but then thought, well, I love my red and if they are talking about my hair being a different color maybe they won't mention my ass being bigger?

So I was prepared.

And it was so you have no pets? None? And you don't work? At all? How do you even...

Ah...okay. Right. There is no way to prepare. I forgot that.

So I had a little "Maybe I should go back to work" existential breakdown when we got home. Which to be perfectly fair I have every once in awhile anyway. I started working when I was really young. I mean I cleaned bathrooms and windshields and stuck the tanks at the gas station when I was like 6. And I helped Jeff with his job from the time I was 10 until like 13 or 14. Got a paycheck job of my own when I was 15. Working is a thing we do in my family. But I really like not working. I like taking care of the house. I like writing. I like not dealing with bosses and co-workers and...but it's not fair to Brent to be responsible for everything though anything I would make would be pretty much a joke but it would go into the retirement account and we would be better off probably but I would have to pick up a few more expenses like a housekeeper because I am not working all week and then cleaning all weekend and....SO yeah...maybe that breakdown isn't quite over yet. Lots of repeating "I really like my life. I am so much happier than when I had to work. I'm a better person living this way." But I'm getting there.

The pet thing was odd to me. I mean, I guess I get it? We all grew up with animals and we've had cats for ages. But we also travel a lot (see other reason I don't want to work) and I like not having to deal with finding people to watch the pets while we are gone. I also like how much easier it is to keep the house clean and how I don't have to go out for a walk in the rain or pick up anyone's poop or vomit. BUT yeah sure, we've talked about getting pets again and if we do it will all be fine. But stop harping on it like I'm a freak for not having a pet!

*deep breath*

Even though I chose and continue to choose to be different from the rest of the family there is still a part of me that wants them to approve and is ready to get defensive when they don't. I think that's probably normal. I mean the approval part is built in from when you are a kid. The only people you care about in the beginning are your family members. Everything you do is for that audience. That approval. When/if you decide that you don't need it and move on I think there is still a part that craves it. You just have to talk yourself back down when it shows up.

The defensive part is easy to understand as well. I mean it's hard not to take it personally when it's personal, right? But I'm pretty solid with that now too. Just a flair at the end and I held that in check and just blasted the boys in the car with a generalized AND ANOTHER THING rant...but it wasn't bad at all.

And it was also much easier because we had the human meat shield there with us. Anytime a conversation headed off in a bad direction we could just wave C in front of them and by the power of the visiting grandson all was fine. Appreciate you, son.

So yeah, the trip wasn't bad. Dealing with a little residual clean all the things fever. A little obsessive about health issues. A little I don't want a job so stop it. A little if I get pets it's because they are great not because it's weird not to have them. And a little guilt trip residue that got flung my way sideways. And a lot of cheese and green chile smothered goodness. So all in all pretty decent really.

And now that I've written this I've had a little brain cleaning session so it will keep me from ransacking the kitchen for another day.

Hey, it's a system...