Well...

I did something today I haven't done in the ten plus years I have been on Facebook.
Something I hadn't even ever thought about doing until today.
I looked up my attempted rapist.

There were five people with his name that showed in the little thumbnails. I was on my phone so they were really small pictures. And his was even smaller because it was a shot of his family. I still knew it was his instantly.

I clicked through and got his page.

And my first thought was, "He grew up ugly."

Petty I know. But I get to be petty about the guy who tried to rape me.

Then I looked at his actual page for a minute. At what he shared publicly. And you know what? He grew up ugly. And that brought me a little bit of satisfaction.

I don't know how I would have dealt with him growing up to be a good guy. Someone who posts helpful things. Who, even if he had different political ideologies than I do, posted about ideas and thoughts. I don't know how that would have made me feel.

But he didn't. He grew up ugly. That borderline racist where anyone on the other side can see it as racism and people on that side are like, "What? How is this racist?" The overt misogyny of ugly Hillary memes. He grew up ugly.

Because he was ugly. And he still is ugly.

He might not be rapey anymore, and I hope to whatever higher being you want to believe in, that he isn't. That somewhere along the line he realized that rape was wrong and he stopped. But he's still ugly. He's still not someone I would ever want to deal with on a daily basis. He is still ugly.

But he's small.

He lives a small life. In a small town. With small things.

He can't touch me.

Ever.

We grew up with the same kids and we have zero friends in common.

Isn't that odd?

Not really.

Because he's ugly.

The past week has led to a lot of insomnia. A lot of nightmares. A lot of borderline blah. A lot of anger.

I have said and I will keep saying that we don't know what happened between Dr. Ford and Kavanaugh. But we do know that she has been treated like a liar. Like a woman out to ruin a good man. We know that his buddy ran for the hills after sending a note to Congress that he didn't want to talk about it. That he didn't have anything to add, that he didn't think it happened. Even though he literally wrote the book (books, there were two) on his blackout drinking in High School and his good buddy Bart O'Kavanaugh who drank A LOT with him. We know that Kavanaugh has been less than forthcoming with dealing with Congress in the past. We know that he had a lot of loans that got paid off and that there has been talk about gambling issues. We know that prominent Senators have stated that they already know how they are voting and it doesn't matter what Dr. Ford says. We know that the White House will not have the FBI investigate. Even though an FBI investigation would most likely come back inconclusive so it wouldn't even hurt their case. But they won't.

We don't know what happened. But we know that they don't care.

He's going to sit on the court.

My attempted rapist can't touch me. Can't hurt me. I needed the reassurance of that again today. Thirty five years later.

I cannot imagine what Dr. Ford is feeling right now.

Or maybe I can.

He grew up ugly.