I Blew It...

First off, I was tired.
Second, I was a little cranky.
Third, I'm rigid about certain things.
Fourth, I'm making excuses and I realize that.

I blew it last night.

I am owning up to that. It's a smallish thing, but it is bothering me so I'm going to apologize and get it out.

I made Brent turn down one of his favorite things because I was being selfish. And I am really sorry I did that.

It's not a good look.

We went to the Timbers' match with our friend Joe and he invited us back to have apple pie after the game was over. Brent loves apple pie. And homemade apple pie? Forgetaboutit.

BUT...It was already 9 o'clock. I don't like to eat that close to bed, and as most of you know, that's actually pretty much bedtime on a weeknight for me. And it was Sunday night and I generally cut off added sugar by Sunday afternoon. I will make some exceptions, I'm trying not to be too rigid, just rigidish...but we are already having a dinner tonight that will include a dessert so I had that cheat day in my mind already. So I turned down the offer. For both of us.

Now that's not all that unusual. Brent's standard response to "Do you want to...?" is "It's up to you." So I make a lot of the joint decisions on what we do or do not do. But this time I made the wrong one.

Because it's one of his favorite things. Because we don't get to spend enough time with Sherri and Joe. Because they are leaving on sabbatical this week so it will be awhile before we see them at all. What I should have done is said sure. And then declined the pie for myself and just enjoyed the company. But I didn't.

And I regret that.

I actually regretted it right away. I made a couple of jokes about it, my way of trying to diffuse my discomfort but it still bugged me this morning.

I turned in to one of those women who makes everyone put on a sweater if she is cold. (Just FYI I've been super warm lately, so you might want to change in to shorts)

Now, here is where I'm really struggling. I always make the food choices in our house. If I'm on a diet, Brent's on a diet. It's just easier in his mind to eat what and how I eat. It generally serves him pretty well because if I lose a pound he loses 5. I also have the example of my mother running roughshod over my father's diet. Which kept him alive longer than any other male previously in his family line. So I have an example that seemed to pan out. And we are entering the 50s which fills me with a low level of dred.

Brent's dad died of a massive heart attack at 58. Now, we are doing  A LOT of things differently. First off we are aware. Brent has a cardiologist. He's had a few scans to make sure everything is working correctly. He doesn't smoke, we exercise consistently, we drink very moderately, we tend to eat okay. Which is where we aren't doing the best that we could, but better than we used to for sure. Lower sugar, trying to make sure we are increasing our veggies, the fish component is still swimming just out of reach.

So there is a part of me that is okay with the choices, in general. But there is a big part of me that realizes I blew it. And I blew it during cake and compliments month which is even worse!

I should have let him have the pie.
I should have enjoyed the company of friends.

So we all blow it from time to time. Sorry, Brent. Sorry, Joe. Next time remind me that I will regret the choice. I mean, I'll give you the how fucking dare you challenge me look when you do, but go ahead and do it anyway.

(Also, just to add to the true confessions, as I wrote out the beginning of the mea culpa I had a great idea for the start of a short story using the same pattern so even my apology has turned into something else. Brent really did deserve that pie. And all the pie in the world.)