All right I just want to touch on this one a little more in depth.
I mentioned in the first blog this week that we need to make sure we do the things we enjoy. That seems like a really easy thing right? But for some reason I have a hard time actually following through.
I like a clean house, as most of you know, but right now it's a mess. Because I've found a lot of other things I either needed or wanted to do this week instead of clean. I'll clean on Monday for sure. And it will get back to the way I like it and I will feel better about it and I will think, "I really need to clean a little bit every day and not do this slide thing" and then I will let it slide again. And yes, I know it's weird to start a blog about things I enjoy with cleaning, but it's true. I like a clean house. I don't mind cleaning because it's one of those chores (now that C is grown) that you can see. Laundry you do and as soon as you get undressed it's undone. Never ending. But a clean house? You get that moment of ahhhh....tracks in the carpet, mirrors sparkling, things tidy. It's done. And I like it.
I like to write. I like to empty my head of some of the clutter so I can rest. I like to put on paper the made up worlds that buzz around me all the time. I like the conversation that happens when something I've written triggers you to write something back to me. But sometimes I will go days without writing anything. Or weeks. And I know that I will be happier once I start writing again but then hours, days, weeks will go by and I won't have written anything.
I like having something, ANYTHING, done at the end of the day. When I pick up Brent or he comes home and asks, "What did you do today?" I want to have something to say. Saying "Nothing" really bugs me. Yet there are days that nothing is what I did. And nothing is all I have to answer.
And those are just three things, I also like coloring (yes, like in kindergarten I have books and pencils and crayons and patterns), I like to take trips, I like to go hiking, I like to do a lot of things that I can't seem to get around to doing. Why? Because I'm too busy doing nothing. And I have no idea why.
Seriously. It's crazy and I know it. There will be days where hours will pass and I will be planning on doing SOMETHING and then I look at the clock and realize it's too late, now I don't have time to do anything. So I've done nothing.
Okay, so now I have to back track just a bit, because I also don't belong to the cult of busy. You know what I mean? People who have turned being busy into a must do thing. I've been part of that crowd. Not by choice but by the way life was laid out at the time. Working, raising a kid, keeping a house, I even added in going to school for a few years in there. I have been in the busy crowd. But I don't fetishize it. I don't worship at the alter of busy. I don't think being slamming busy is a virtue. I believe that time to do nothing and having no appointments or schedules is important. Hell, I haven't worn a watch since C left for college and I can't imagine ever going back to it again. But I also can't stand it when I've let an entire day go by and I have nothing at all to show for it.
Especially when I know I will be happier if I clean my house, color a picture, read a book, write a story, go for a walk...
So what is it? What is it that stops me from doing those things? Laziness? Hmm..maybe. Sometimes. For awhile I wondered if I was depressed and just didn't realize it because it wasn't strong enough to make me stay in bed but too strong to get me off the couch. Then I thought no, that's not it. Because I know people who do suffer from depression and this isn't it. So back to lazy. But if it were complete laziness would it even bug me? So maybe not again. But then what? Easily distracted. That's part of it. Because when I say nothing what I really mean is I played games on my phone and I read news articles and I spent time on Facebook. So it's not nothing like just sitting and staring off in to space, it's nothing like nothing productive. Unless clearing 5 levels in Bejeweled counts...which it doesn't.
And there's also the overwhelming feeling of too much to do sometimes. I know, right? Super weird. But because I have all of my time to myself and all of my options are open to do whatever I want most days I sometimes am just overwhelmed by it all and so I do nothing. Which is crazy. And I get that, I really do. But I don't stop doing it.
And then there is money. Or more accurately my outdated view of money. I like to go on vacations. I like to take trips. I love Disney and Hawaii and San Diego and there is a list of places I have never ever been that I think would be cool to see and I don't go there. Because when I plan out a trip and I get to that bottom line I freak the fuck out. HOW MUCH? ARE YOU KIDDING ME? And I have a hard time following through. But when I do it's great. We had a fabulous time in Chicago this past summer. Disney last Christmas was awesome. And guess what? We didn't go broke paying for them. We still made the house payment and the car payment and didn't even skip a beat at Starbucks. Because we're not broke anymore. We're not living paycheck to paycheck. Or more accurately at the beginning of our marriage it was paycheck to a few days before paycheck. Brent has a really decent job. We have done a good job with savings. You know because I freak out when it comes time to spend the money so it has just stayed in the account, but it's there now and that's the point. Let's see if I can keep that in mind and pull the trigger for a nice trip again soon.
So a goal of mine right now is to stop doing so much nothing and start doing the somethings that I enjoy. Even if they seem weird to other people, like that cleaning house thing. Or childish, like the coloring. Or even not super productive to the outside world, like reading a good book. They are the things I really like doing and if I don't do them then I will have nothing to show for all of my time, and really who wants that?