Help Yourself #11....

Now I feel sort of badly that I went ahead and switched my combo bio and self help book to December because this one would have been a great one to go out on. 

Radiant Rebellion: Reclaim Aging, Practice Joy, and Raise a Little Hell by Karen Walrond

I know right? 

And it totally lived up to the title. It was more of a book about her journey, when she hit 55 and realized that she needed to really evaluate what her next steps looked like. A lot of good stuff in there. Including a whole section on internalized ageism. Even those of us who aren't really afraid of getting older, or who try our best to embrace it harbor some of that feeling and it was interesting to have that mirror held up.

Basically a lot of times what we think of as problems with being old aren't really due to age at all. Like when you think to yourself, I am old, what are you really thinking about right then? I am tired. I am stressed. I am not in the shape I used to be. I don't feel sexy. I don't feel seen. What is it really and is it something you can fix? 

What do we mean when we talk about being young? Do we mean vibrant? Sexy? Full of potential? What do we really mean by young and old? 

I am older. There are things that go along with that. But also there are things that are in my control. When you age you lose muscle tone. People don't really know why. (Isn't that a kicker?) Possibly hormonal changes, possibly some function in the cells related to time, possibly a biological throwback to needing less protein resources so the members of your tribe that were still having kids could have more and you could exist on fewer. BUT I can help negate that loss by making sure I'm doing weight bearing exercise to keep the muscles I have in good shape so I can be independent and pain free. 

My hormones are shifting and that comes with a host of other side effects but I can change the way I eat, or take supplements to help balance that. 

None of that is a problem. It's a difference in life time periods, but it's not a pathology. 

She talked about finding a guiding purpose, a spark statement, a cause, ways that you like to play and making sure you do it. Keeping your own style in mind, if you want to go gray, go gray. Don't dress a certain way because you're "supposed" to but dress in a way that when you look in the mirror you say Oh there I am!

I know, a lot of this sounds like stuff I've been talking about for awhile and I know that's why I liked it so much. But it's always nice to find people that agree with you. And she doesn't just write about what she thinks, she talks to people who are working on those things. It's a self help book full of self help books.

Here is another funny aside to the book...

She talks a lot throughout that she has her notebook; where she writes things down, where she ponders her life questions and sets intentions, works out ideas. At the end of the book she has a section on how you can set up your own notebook to follow what she did that year. The things she asked herself about what she wanted to do and how she wanted to live. Sectioned out like the book, the questions you could write out. The Radiant Rebellion manifesto to put in the front. 

So as I was reading that the American Consumer Former Marketer in me thought...she should have published a workbook to go with her book. People would buy a ready made version of this with blank spaces to fill in their own writing. So I went and looked to see if she had. 

There are two workbooks to go with the book on Amazon. Someone else has made them. More American Capitalist than me, I just thought she should have, they figured out a way to make money on her work. 

I won't be setting up my own version of her notebook. I sort of already have a place where I write out my thoughts on all of those subjects... but I do recommend the book. Her book, not the knockoff notebooks.

Hopefully next month's book will be a good one because this one was one of the best of lot. 

Letter...

When the letter showed up, I wasn’t even curious. Not really. I mean, okay, I was a little curious. Just in a vague “who would just drop a letter on the porch” sort of way. But not like overly curious.

I just brought it inside and set it on the kitchen counter where we put all of the unopened mail. Because really it was just mail, right? I mean if it had come in the mailbox, I wouldn’t have paid any attention to it at all. Just dropped it on the counter with any other mail for the day that wasn’t addressed to me.

Because this wasn’t addressed to me, it wasn’t any of my business at all. No reason to be curious. If it had been addressed to me then of course I would have wondered “who dropped a letter off to me like this?” before I opened it and found out.

Not that I was going to open this letter. Because I wasn’t. Because I wasn’t really curious about it.

Not really. I mean I did pick it up and look at it a few times. I might have even held it up to the light a little to see if I could see what was in the envelope. I wasn’t like really curious as to what a letter might say, but what if it wasn’t a letter? What if it was like powder or something that I shouldn’t keep on the counter where the cats could knock it off or the kids could get into it accidentally? I mean, there was that big anthrax scare like 30 years ago, so it wasn’t out of the realm of possibilities.

But I wasn’t like super curious about it.

It was a letter. It had just been dropped off on the porch without anyone even tripping the Ring camera. I mean, sure I looked at that footage to see if I could find out who dropped it off, but that was more about concern that I didn’t get a notification that someone came that close to the door. What good is a doorbell camera if it doesn’t record people coming close to the doorbell? So, I watched the footage. A few times. Nothing.

But that’s not that big of a deal. Sometimes it just doesn’t catch everything. It doesn’t mean that someone was really careful to come up to the door at the exact right angle to not trip the cameras. Doing it purposefully so I, I mean we, wouldn’t be able to see who dropped it off. I’m sure it was just a coincidence.

It was just a letter. Dropped off on the porch by some mystery person. Not addressed to me. It’s not a big deal. Nothing to be curious about at all.

And even if I was really curious all I would have had to do was text him that a letter came for him, and did he want me to open it and he would say sure. Because why wouldn’t he? So, I didn’t have a reason to worry about anything which meant I didn’t have to be curious.

And since I knew exactly what he would say did I really even need to bother him with a text?

Not that I was going to open the letter.

That was until he sent me a text asking if anyone had dropped something off for him. And when I asked what he was expecting he suddenly had to go into a meeting and would talk to me later.

Now that was a little curious right? Why would you text me and then not have time to answer a question? Like a simple question too. Nothing that needed a lot of time. Just a quick, so and so was going to drop off a letter. That’s all. Easy.

I looked back over the Ring footage one more time and yeah, there was no time where you saw the letter get dropped off or saw it on the mat because it was too close to the door for the camera angle, and I picked it up when I brought in the UPS package that was delivered later, that was on the camera. But not the letter. There was no sign that the letter was delivered at all. Or that it was picked up.

If someone else got curious about it, they wouldn’t be able to tell it had come. If I said there was nothing delivered for him, the only thing that came today was the UPS package of things I had ordered from Amazon. See? Here’s the box…

That would be all there was.

I’m sure he would be curious as to why someone told him they dropped off a letter and there was no letter but…

When the letter showed up, I wasn’t even curious. Not really.

Plague Days...

Just an update blog on the week. 

...

And there it is. 

Thank you. 

Kidding. I mean sort of but not really. 

I spent the week sitting on the couch for the most part. Everytime I would do anything it required a lot of sitting time afterward. The exhaustion was real. 

Yesterday was peak whiny sick time. That's one of the levels of sick we have in our house. We have barely sick, sort of sick, whiny sick and really sick.  Whiny sick is when you are sick enough that you can't go do anything but not sick enough that you just want to sleep. It's the bored as fuck of being sick part. The will this ever end point. That was yesterday. 

Today I feel better than I have since Saturday night. Which yesterday morning I felt really good too until around 10 AM and then WHAM! Just so tired. So I think that's why it went from this isn't terrible to I HATE THIS SO MUCH. 

But today, today at 11:30 AM I still feel better than I have. I'm just a little run down instead of totally exhausted. 

Which means we are entering the really difficult portion of the illness. The part where I want to do all the thing instead of continuing to recover. Which with Covid is a bad idea. Rebound sick is a real thing with this virus. Tricky little bastard. So I will try my best to continue to just sit. 

Which I have to tell you either really sucks, or it's a good letting go process for me. Depends on when you ask me. 

My various streaks and goals and gold stars are all slipping away. Unless I feel well enough to walk a little bit on the treadmill tomorrow, this will be the first week in basically a year that I didn't work out at all. There is no way (considering it's Friday) that I will write more days than I didn't write this week. There is a really strong chance I will have no piece to send to Dana on Sunday. The iFit series for this month still has 8 workouts left to complete to get my little virtual badge and since everything and everyone says that even when I'm better working out is going to be a "couple minutes at a time" process of easing back in the odds are strong I won't complete that for the first time in over two years. 

All of my shiny bits are slipping out of my grasp. 

I told Brent about this and he was like, yeah, so? You have to take care of yourself, that's all that matters. And I totally get it. Logically. I mean I'm not forcing myself out to the gym. I didn't even try to write when all I could muster was staring at the wall. But it still sort of sucks. 

Or... it's a really good forced stop. 

Because, let's face it, none of us were positive that when 2023 rolled to 2024 I would be able to stop making little goals lists for myself. Being in a position where I have to stop might just be a good thing. 

I mean, I have plenty of time to wrap up 2023 with the numbers I wanted to hit, just maybe not at the pace I was keeping. And even if I don't, I set up those goals in January before I decided in August that maybe they don't serve me anymore. 

So we will see. That might be the positive that comes out of a week of slammed down doing nothing. 

As far as being actually sick goes, it's been like a cold. A bad cold at times. I've had some fever spikes, a headache here and there, a little dry cough that comes and goes and some serious congestion for a few days. The hardest part to manage has been how tired I have been. If you've ever had mono it's like that. But even my tiredness wasn't as bad as Brent's when he had it last year. He sleep probably 18 hours a day. Not straight but he couldn't stay awake for more than an hour or so without needing a little cat nap at least. So even my stare at the wall state of being was a little better than that. 

I'm hopeful that the trajectory is now solidly on the feeling better swing. And I'm hopeful that Brent continues to be healthy. We made it through his round of Covid last year without me getting it so we are really hopeful we do the flip this time. 

Thank you to everyone for your concern. Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. Thank you for listening to me whine. 

I'm going to pull one of the fiction pieces I wrote for Dana earlier in the year and post it today as well. Doesn't really count as writing more days than not, but it will make me feel better about the weekly number at least. 

Yeah, I'm working on that no goal thing. I've still got a month and half...

Three Years...

Well I made it three years. Was starting to get really cocky and thinking I'd never catch it. We have friends who have had it multiple times and almost everyone I know has had it at least once. I was one of dwindling number who hadn't ever caught it. I thought, maybe all of those colds I had growing up finally proved helpful!

Well, no. 

Bummer.

Woke up yesterday morning and was just really tired. But that was understandable. Tig had woken up a few times during the night and when he wakes up he wakes up one (or both) of us for cuddles before he goes back to sleep. It's super sweet really, but it's also exhausting when you are woken up a few times and have a hard time getting back to sleep. So Saturday morning I was tired. When I sat down in Sara's chair and got a look at my face with those bright salon lights I thought, "Holy shit, you look even more tired than you feel! Eek!" 

Yesterday evening I was FREEZING. Wearing jeans, a long sleeve shirt and covered with a blanket and just could not get warm. Brent was fine and it was 72 in the house so I decided maybe I should take my temperature. Oh well, 101.9 that explains it. I'm not freezing, I'm feverish. Grabbed one of the Covid tests "just to make sure" because I've got a lot to do this week that is people centric. Really expected it to be fine. 

And nope.

Fuck. 

Sent a message to Sara letting her know that I had germed all over her that morning. Which fucking sucks. I mean it really does. She is back to wearing masks at work because people are germ factories and keep sliming her but still...I didn't think I would be one of them! We have been really consistent about not going out if we don't feel well, just in case, and testing when we've been exposed, just to make sure, and all of that good stuff. And then...

I slimed her. 

Ugh. 

So I feel really awful about that. 

And I am cranky that this means I'll have to reschedule my elbow work. I am not looking forward to the initial recovery and pain that was promised, but I am SO ready to actually be able to grip things again. So now I'll have to wait on that. 

And I'm cranky that we are going to miss the Thorns playoff game. Or miss it live at least. Last home game of the year and I'll be watching from the couch. Bummer.

But other than that it's actually not that bad, so far, and hopefully it stays this way. 

I've been describing it as a bad cold. But it's not even that bad of a bad cold. The fever yesterday was a lot but so far today it's not been bad. There is an annoying little dry cough and when I was talking to Katie today I could feel my voice just giving out and had to end the call while I could still make noise. A little congestion. A little tired. But honestly I don't even feel as bad as I did from the side effects of the first doses of the vaccine. Fingers crossed it doesn't get worse and that it doesn't linger.

And, of course that Brent doesn't end up with it and that Sara's mask protected her so she doesn't as well. 

But there you go. I made it all the way through the pandemic years and didn't catch it until we reached endemic stage. I guess that's something? Also am fully fully vaxxed so I have to think that's a big part of why my symptoms are so mild.

Looking back now knowing that I have it I think I probably was sick starting as early as Thursday but not in a way I would have noticed if it hadn't progressed. See Thursday night over Friday I was really hot overnight. I thought it was just bad hot flashes but they were longer lasting than normal and didn't have that rolling heat feeling that I normally get, but still, hot over night is not unusual. Now I think I was probably spiking a fever and just didn't realize it. And Friday when I was drying off after my shower I had a pain in my armpit. Like a little swelling and tenderness. I thought maybe it was an ingrown hair and I would keep an eye on it, now I think, oh...probably lymph node was churning. And then the tiredness Saturday morning. 

Nothing that isolated I would ever think about for long, but now looking at them all together I think maybe it was just a really slow roll of symptoms. 

So keep an eye out for those sneaky symptoms. And remember no matter how cocky you are feeling it's still out there. 

Bummer.

Pretend It's October...

Well after yesterday's blog about my memory slipping this is super appropriate. Realized that I never posted my end of October catch up. 

So how did it go? 

I'm still in that space of wrapping up all of my goals set for 2023 while settling into the idea of no goals for 55. Which I know sort of doesn't make sense, but it will all slot in in January when I'm done with past commitments. 

Reading: Upped my Goodreads number again when I hit it again. So this year should be a hitting my reading goal number three times year. Which is sort of fun, not going to lie. Oh wait, just looked at Goodreads and I'm upping it AGAIN so four times hitting goal. 

I talked about the self help. Bittersweet by Susan Cain Disappointing because I had such high expectations for it, but still I liked the idea of it. The bio was Sure I'll Join Your Cult by Maria Bamford which was sort of bonkers but also enjoyable and tied into all of the self help books I've been trying out this year by equating them to cults. So that was fun. I read the September Stranglings book because of timing and so I'll also be pushing the October Stranglings to November but it all worked out with the add last month from one of her other clubs. ANYWAY...Land of Milk and Honey by C Pam Zhang. Not my favorite.

I did take Brent's advice and pushed the combo self help/bio out to December. I can see winding down the year with the least amount of things left to do to wrap everything up. 

Writing: I wrote about hitting my goal number for the over all blogs last week. I've still got a few fiction pieces left to write or pull from my archive and post. Also have done well getting Dana her extra piece every other week. And I've kept to writing more days a week than not. Which is why the counts are going to be higher (at least in nonfiction) than what I had worked out. I didn't think I'd keep that pace, and I was going to be happy with 3 out of 7 days. So that's gone well.

Workouts...RECORD SCRATCH....

After months of being really consistent working out the little niggling pain in my elbow finally got to be bad enough to go see a doctor. It's lateral epicondylitis, or tennis elbow. But I don't play tennis so it really bums me out. Super common, not easy to treat without isolating the muscle, basically not using the arm. It's my left arm so that's crazy talk. Especially when looking at the timelines for how long it takes to work. So I'm going in next week for PRP treatment, platelet rich plasma. Basically they are going to draw blood from my right arm, spin it up to isolate the platelets and then inject it back into my elbow joint on my left arm where they will (hopefully) get to work mending the bunged up tendons. 

The doctor was really honest that it's going to hurt. A lot. It causes inflammation as the healing starts so it's going to be pretty unpleasant for a bit. Which means I'm really happy that I'm ahead in my writing since I might be out of commission the second half of next week. And I might just miss my first Dana piece depending on if I get it done early or not. 

But with the injection and then the follow up physical therapy hopefully I'll be all healed up and will be able to grip things again without pain and feeling like they are going to slip out of my hand at any second. 

So workouts...no weightlifting. Which has been a bummer. But I did start jogging. Slowly and only sometimes. I am not a runner, never have been a runner, but I figured if I can't lift for awhile I should do something else that's sort of challenging just to keep from getting really bored. And part of me hopes it helps to reshape my legs a little bit. I love the muscle definition on runners legs, and though mine are strong enough to kick down a door, I've never had much visible tone. Maybe this will do it? If not it's at least been giving me a new challenge to focus on while I workout so I don't just turn all sloth while I heal. 

One more month down, two more to go. 

(we now rejoin your regularly scheduled November already in progress)

Do You Remember 2022 November?

I totally forgot I did my own version of NaNo last year. WriSoMoNo, write some more now. 

I had been looking at my on this day feed from years past and could see the build up of NaNoWriMo the three years I did it and then nothing recently and feeling pretty good that I fought that itch. 

But apparently I didn't. And just last year I did a version of it. Now, it was mine and I cut the word count in half and I only set a goal of 6 fiction pieces out of that word count so it wouldn't even be a sweat to finish but still...

Totally forgot. 

I read the rules I set for myself today and then I read the last blog of the month where I did the 2600 words or so that I was short in my no sweat at all to get that many words in a month month. 

And I did it. (Because I'm me) I wrote exactly that number of words. And I can see that I kept a pretty decent pace at the beginning of the month. Then things sort of fell apart. I had a massive sciatica attack that kept me from sleeping and being able to sit. Both things kind of hinder thinking and writing. Brent got Covid so I spent some time worrying about that. Katie came for Thanksgiving but it was the first year where you could tell she really would have rather not been here with us. At least not totally. Her chosen family is in Bend. And even though she didn't have a break from her born into family, there is still a longing to be with your chosen family at the holidays. This year all of them are coming here. Should be interesting.

And then Kevin died and from that moment on it was hard to think about anything else but that. 

Apparently so hard that I completely wiped the whole WriSoMoNo experience from my memory. 

I mean, that's the charitable interpretation. That it was grief. But honestly it was probably just age. It's crazy to me how much I forget and how quickly I forget it now. Teflon in the brain. Things slide in and right back out again. 

Why did I walk into this room? 

What was that brilliant idea I had while I was walking on the treadmill?

What was it that I REALLY needed from the store again?

It's always been that way with the fiction I write. Which is so weird. But I write quickly. The words rush out, I write them down. If I'm feeling sassy I proofread it once or maybe even twice, but not always (obviously to most of you) and I post. BOOM done. Which leads to me reading pieces I've written and surprising myself by how it turns out. 

Now it's the nonfiction as well. 

Lots of studies about how it will balance back out after I'm completely through the menopause transition. But by balance back out I'm not sure if they mean I will stop forgetting things at such a rapid pace or if I will stay at this level of forgetfulness forever. I'm pretty sure one of the studies I read said which one but...yeah...I don't remember.

But it did surprise me to see that I had done a NaNo version last year that I had zero memory of doing. 

Wouldn't it be nice if we could choose the things that vacate our brains so quickly? I mean there are things I remember from years and years ago that have no value in my life today. But that thing that I REALLY needed to pick up from the grocery store? That would be good to know. 

I guess the real bonus is that I can now rewrite every blog topic I've ever written and think they are new. And since more than a few of you are close to my age there is a group that will think they are new as well. The rest of you can just sit back and think...oh Nana is wandering again...

So if you'll excuse me I'm going to go stare at the pantry for a bit and try to figure out what that thing is. I mean, I know there is something...would like to remember what it is before I go to the grocery store this week. Again. 

Changing of the Seasons...

Have you ever stopped to listen to the sound of leaves blowing down a road? 

The scratch of the dried edges hitting the pavement. 

The skitter sound of a leaf that doesn't take flight but just skims along.

The almost whispering sound of a group rustling together as a gust takes them, swirls them around, then drops them back to the ground. 

Do you think they are wondering how they got there?

Just a few weeks ago we were living our best lives soaking up the sun hanging out on branches. Then there were those glorious days where everyone walking by stopped to stare at us. Oh so beautiful. What bright colors!

How did we end up in a pile on the street? 

Being tossed by the wind. 

Trampled on by children.

Raked, blown, MULCHED.

How did this happen?

Have you ever seen a giant pile of leaves in someone's yard from all of their trees and wondered if they were catching up with each other. 

What did you do this summer? How was it over in elm corner? The oaks had a great time! New family of squirrels moved in. Oh what nuts they are. Oh my no, pun not intended!

All tidy and piled up and then WHAM! a kid or a dog or both jumping in and scattering them all over. Do you think they find it fun or terrifying? Are they in on the game or panicking because everyone they were settled in with are now scattered everywhere. 

What about the ones that get chosen for school art projects? 

Do you think they feel special? Pretty? Fancy? Like their shot at the Met Gala. 

Or is it a feeling of sacrificing yourself for the rest of the group. I'll go. You stay. Beware the kindergarten children...they are coming for you.

Does the glue chafe? Not to mention the melted crayons. Is that a spa treatment or a torture device?

They say to let the leaves stay on your grass now. Don't rake them up. Leave the leaves alone. Let them become homes for butterfly larva. Protection for the bees. Let them naturally breakdown in the weather. Feed the plants they way they are supposed to. It's not messy, it's nature. 

Do you think the ones that get to stay panic when the wind blows? They know in their yard they are part of a whole. In the Johnson's yard they are fodder for the bonfire. 

They do not feed the lawn, protect the bees, house the butterfly larva. IT'S WORMS, GLADYS! JUST FANCY WORMS!

Do you ever watch the leaves and wonder...

"Hey, whatcha thinking about?"

"Hunh? Oh nothing, just watching the leaves blow in the wind."