Fault Lines...

"First off, I think we can all clearly state that it was not my fault. I think as soon as we are all really comfortable with that then it will be easier to get to the bottom of the situation."

"Ma'am, normally that's something we decide."

"Well, I know. But you weren't saying it and I felt like it should be said out loud, not just implied so everyone knew that it was not my fault."

"If you know it's something we usually say, and yet we are not saying it, don't you feel like that means something?"

"It could mean you might be new on the job, or under a lot of stress or just having a really bad day, I don't know, but I try to make sure and give grace to people when they forget the common niceties."

"That's very generous of you..."

"I know, right? People just forget to be decent to each other. Cut everyone some slack, right? So I'm not going to make a big deal out of you forgetting to say that it wasn't my fault and just make sure it's been said and we all agree and then we can move on like the friends we are."

"Friends?"

"Okay, maybe we aren't friends just yet, but I like to think that every new acquaintance is a future friend. So, friend, now that we know we are going to be friends and we know that it wasn't my fault, we can get to work."

"I'm not sure that we do know all of those things."

"Okay, maybe I am rushing it just a little on the friend part. You're right. People have told me in the past that I can come on a little strong, so how about we just table that piece for now? But trust me, I will bring it up in the future! I'll be all 'remember when you didn't know if we would end up friends?'"

"Ma'am, if we can get back to business here."

"Absolutely! So, we know it wasn't my fault what else do you need to know? But can I just hear you say it before we go on. Because it seems like you haven't said it yet, and it's starting to get harder to write it off to you having a bad day, you know? It just seems a little rude at this point."

"Ma'am..."

            

Next Question...

"Well it was the cat's fault. Wait, is that okay? To blame a cat? I mean it's not like he did it on purpose or anything and really he didn't do anything except get chased by the dog. Oh! Maybe it was the dog's fault?

I mean the cat never liked going in that room. Ever. Would roam all around the house but even walked wide around the doorway to that room. Like sort of hugged the opposite wall in the hallway. Didn't hiss or carry on, but just didn't ever go in or near to it at all.

Except when the dog chased him in there. 

So is it the cat's fault? Or is it the dog's fault?

I could say it was my fault, I guess, but I didn't know. And if you don't know how can you be blamed? 

I know they say that ignorance is no defense but that's just dumb. Of course it's a defense. If I don't know something is wrong how in the world am I supposed to realize I'm doing something wrong? Right? But I did sort of know something was wrong. I mean the whole thing with the cat. But I didn't really know what it was, because how could I?

So anyway, not the dog's fault, not the cat's fault, not my fault. Just one of those weird things that happens sometimes. The dog chases the cat into a room he never likes to go. The cat freezes inside the room and just starts yowling like crazy but doesn't leave the room. I get frustrated and yell, 'You don't have to stay in there you know! You can come out whenever you'd like!'

And that released the ghost that was trapped in the room and now he's wandering around the whole house just being a huge pain the ass. The dog and the cat have had to go stay with my mother. I can't keep fresh milk in the fridge, it spoils almost as soon as I get it in the house. I haven't had a good night's sleep in weeks. He keeps making the walls drip blood and yeah... it's a lot"

"Okay, well, let's not put all of that in the listing. We will just say 'Older home with a lot of character' and how about if anyone asks you are just looking for a change in scenery?"

Context Matters...

Okay, now that I've established that I am all for trigger warnings except in my own fiction, that I am a fan of Woke, PC, Liberal, Progressive, Consequences Culture let me make a post that makes it sound like I'm not.

I hate that liberals eat their own while Republicans hold their noses right up until they decide they actually like the smell.

You saw it with Trump. He molded the party into his own because Republicans will walk in step. Their whole belief is that any R is better than a D. Any. R. Even really horrific, morally bankrupt Rs. It's insane.

I don't want that for liberals. 

Except...

Look, it's a two party system right now. I'd rather it weren't. I'd like to get ranked choice voting in place so we had a better chance of getting a different batch of candidates in office. I'd love to see more progressive YOUNGER politicians get a shot at making a real difference. All of these things would be my ideal. 

But right now, what we have is a basic two party system and our options are often voting for the lesser of two evils. SO VOTE FOR LESS EVIL.

It makes me crazy to see people who have the same basic beliefs and same basic frame work tear each apart so badly that the clearly worst choice ends up in office. 

There are more people who identify as at least somewhat liberal than there are conservatives in our country. 

Every. single. poll. shows that people are in favor of more gun regulations and fewer health care bans. Every. single. poll. shows that people want to actually help those in need instead of criminalize being poor. (which is what a lot of the Republican "plans" to end houselessness are, just criminalizing it)

So how about we all try to be a little less...well self-important? Is that the word I'm looking for?

You know, the woke Olympics. The I'm more concerned than you are about the environment. I am more aware of issues than you. The instead of just saying "hey, did you know that you can take your batteries to Lowe's or Home Depot and they will recycle them so they don't end up in landfills" you say "YOU HATE THE ENVIRONMENT YOU MONSTER!" and of course your suggestion to go to Home Depot is met with "YOU CAN'T SHOP AT HOME DEPOT THEY CONTRIBUTE TO TRUMP!"

Lizzo had a lyric in a song recently that was met with "hey, did you know that's actually a hurtful word?" to which she responded, "no! I didn't!" and then changed the whole song with a new lyric. Which is a great story right? It's exactly how this sort of thing should be handled. But that first "hey, did you know?" message was then met with a ton of people piling on with not as helpful of responses. Instead of assuming that she didn't know, they assumed she did as was just being awful. Even though she had already addressed the issue, apologized and changed the song. 

That's the shit that drives me crazy.

People get to make mistakes. People get to learn from those mistakes. People get to change without being judged by their past mistakes. 

Who I am today was formed by who I was 30 years ago but who I was 30 years ago is not who I am today. And if you bring up something I did 30 years ago as a reason why I'm awful today that's a problem. 

And those are the times where you see cancel culture veer away from consequences culture into no context culture. You have to look at the time period, the normal acceptable language and attitudes of that time AND if the person you are looking at has changed and shifted beliefs.

The Republican party is the party that fought on the right side of history in the Civil War after all. Things change.

When someone on the left is more concerned with other people not being left enough or refusing to vote or work toward change because "both parties are just same" we lose. There, at times, might not be as much difference as I'd like between individuals or organizations, and I am pretty ticked off that Dems used Roe v. Wade as a fundraising tool and a get out the vote tool instead of codifying it into law (which to be perfectly fair, I'm not sure when they could have done it, maybe the very beginning of Obama's term?). But there is a huge difference between the parties. Especially now. (Caveat: I'm pretty sure Manchin is a republican in all by title and I'm not sure why he calls himself a democrat)

So stop fighting with each other over word choices and who has the most recent correct language and if the US is more racist than it ever has been or is less racist but still too racist. Stop taking your marbles and going home when things don't go exactly the way you think they should go.

When given the opportunity always go for less evil. 

AND STOP FUCKING THINKING THAT A LITTLE LESS WOKE IS EVIL!

Honestly...

It's fucking exhausting. 

I've Got Your Cancel Culture Right Here...

Liberal.
PC.
Woke.

These are all things I've been called in my life. Things I've been called by people that think they are insulting me. 

Okay...

I am liberal. I'm a progressive. I believe we should always be moving forward or we stagnate and rot at the roots. That when you know better you do better, Rest in Power, Ms. Angelou.

PC has always struck me as an odd one as well. Politically Correct. Like being politically incorrect is a good thing. Like being incorrect at all is a good thing. I will also say that when I think of PC it is usually really easy to swap in Practicing Courtesy and see what it really means. 

Woke. So you'd rather be asleep? You'd rather continue to walk through the world with your eyes closed to other experiences? Your comfort at the cost of someone else being acknowledged. Interesting choice. 

Now people are on and on about cancel culture and how it's just the worst thing ever. No due process! Too easy to abuse! How dare you say someone can't have a different opinion! Blah blah blah...

What do all of these things have in common? The Right uses them as scare tactics. They say a word over and over again until it loses its real meaning and becomes a bad thing. They manipulate the message until you are the bad guy for expecting people to be decent to each other. 

Oh, are you triggered by that? Let me drink your liberal tears...

No, asshole, I have no tears for you, I just want you to stop being an asshole. 

Because really that's all most of that is. Your pronouns are different than what they used to be? Okay. I'll change the way I refer to you. Because I'm not an asshole. You are tired of seeing your race used as as a mascot for a sports team? Okay. Let's change the mascot. Because I'm not an asshole. You are offended by that word or phrase or inaccurate historical presentation? Okay. Let's stop using that word, that phrase, and start teaching the actual history. Because I'm not an asshole. But what if you don't want to change and you want to be an asshole, but you don't want to cop to being an asshole then you say you aren't Woke, you won't give in to this liberal PC bullshit. And oh no now the cancel culture people will be after you!

Cancel culture is actually consequences culture. And let's be real here, there aren't very many consequences and people don't get canceled for long. If you can even count some people will stop giving you money or attention while other people will give you more money and attention as cancelling. 

The Right is really good at this. They always have been. Part of that is they control the main sources of media. Oh I know, they will tell you that they don't and it's that demon liberal media, but who owns the media? Big corporations. And who owns big corporations? So yeah...When The New York Times writes its 20th column on the dangers of cancel culture keep that in mind. 

When you see an onslaught of opinion pieces and memes and bot posts about how Amber Heard proved that the Me Too movement was bunk, try and notice where they are coming from. And listen to the quiet voices pointing out that she got her restraining order years before Me Too took off. And the times it was left to a judge to decide he was in the wrong (restraining order, the 12 out of 14 but you are though points from the the case in England where he tried to sue for the article that said he was abusive). It took a jury, a not sequestered jury in the US to give him one victory out of three.

And who was one of the first to post a 'yippee he won' post? The Republican party. Why? Because they are trying to turn Me Too into a bad thing. The case never should have been a public discussion. It never should have been must see TV. But someone made it that way. Someone convinced you that the last few movies he made were genius instead of 'what the hell is he doing?' Someone left out the details of his work ethic, the current case against him by a crew member he hit, the production costs from when he just wouldn't show up, that was all put to wayside so Amber Heard is proving the Me Too movement is a witch hunt narrative could take place. 

The Right is really good at this. 

And part of that is because Liberals really do just want everyone to get along. It's why we are willing to change pronouns and mascots and history lessons. Is what was happening before hurtful? Well, let's stop that. And the Right capitalizes on that and weaponizes that. Co-opts it as something to be mocked or unabashedly use it to mean something else. Anti-vaxxers using My Body My Choice, for instance.

And when liberals aren't hoping everyone could just get along they are willing to take in new information and make different decisions. It's part of what being progressive is, right? You want to keep changing and moving and seeing what you can learn. Well, if you keep getting told something you actually start to believe it, no matter if it's true or not. Look at the number of people who were concerned about Clinton's emails, for instance. 

It's fucking exhausting. 

I'll probably write one more piece about these issues. Something more specific. But I really wanted to get this general DON'T LET THEM CONTROL EVERY FUCKING NARRATIVE message out there. 

Being aware of other people's needs is a good thing. 
Not being an asshole is a good thing.
Not giving attention to assholes is a good thing. 

You don't have to be a pushover, you don't have to be soft, you don't even have to be sweet and docile. 

I mean, hello...

Just don't be an asshole. 

And ask who is telling you that cancel culture is a threat? Who is telling you that Wokeness is ruining the world? Who is telling you that being PC is just the worst thing ever? Pay attention to the messenger then question the message. 

I'm a liberal.
I'm progressive.
I try really hard to be PC and woke. 

And I will cancel your shit if it needs canceled. 

How Safe is Your Space?

I was going to write about Safe Spaces on Tuesday then Monday night the fire alarm in our house went haywire so I was up at midnight with the house literally yelling FIRE at me which I was like, I just wrote about free speech and how yelling Fire! shouldn't be covered so I thought maybe don't cover safe spaces today just incase the full moon is bring some sort of weird ju ju to the proceedings...

Yes, that opening paragraph was a lot but it's the way my head was going on Tuesday so I felt like you should get the raw footage. 

So instead I thought about writing about an encounter I had when I decided to get my toe nail polish changed.

And then I realized..."fuck me...this is a safe spaces story."

So I let it sit for a few days just to show the Universe it can't tell me what to do!

(yesterday was going to be cancel culture so I guess I cancelled the Universe for a day, which let's be frank, is about how long cancelling someone lasts)

Anyway...

I was planning on getting a pedicure on Tuesday. The shop we normally use is near the old house which is a bit of a drive but there is a shop right at the end of our street so I figured I'd check them out. Then I dropped the car charger on my foot so no pedicure for me. But I am going to need to wear open toed shoes for awhile so I was back to really needing a pedicure. Decided to split the difference, get a polish change and check out the new shop at least partially. 

One of my core personality traits is I give the compliment. I do it to people I know and to strangers. Everyone likes compliments. Even if they make you a little uncomfortable in the moment (trust me, I get it, it's taken me years to learn how to say "thank you" instead of discounting the compliment) later on when you think about it you know "I do have great shoes." or "This is a lovely color on me." or "My hair does look fabulous." But, as most of you know, I'm also not overly social. I'm not shy, like Brent and Katie, I will talk to strangers, but I'd rather not talk for long. I usually give the compliment as a fly by or when I know I'm leaving or they are. 

For instance Sunday at breakfast there was a family seated near us and the mom was wearing a really cute dress. I did not tell her it was a really cute dress until we were leaving. I didn't want that awkward rest of the meal space where either one of us felt like we needed to chat. But I did want to let her know that she looked really cute. 

So Tuesday...I'm waiting in a short line to see if they have time to change my polish and there is a woman at the counter who has gorgeously tanned skin. The kind of tan that you know she works on to get that way. She was wearing little white shorts to really emphasize the tan. So I let her know as she was leaving. "You have gorgeous skin tone. Really lovely."

And...

You know how I say if you are going to be an activist, if you are going to be mouthy, if you are going to stand up to authority you need to know you can take a punch in the face? Well if you are going to be a compliment giver to strangers you need to be ready for the onslaught. Especially if, like me, you are cursed with FFS, Friendly Face Syndrome. Strangers tell me their life's story. Even when I don't give them the opening compliment. But when I do start it I know what could be coming. And oh boy...

I pretty much knew instantly that I might have made a mistake. This was her reply (or at least as much as I can remember): "I cheat. I go to B'Tan to make sure I've got a good base layer. And then yesterday I was on the river for like 6 hours and I did get burned, but it fade quickly because of that. As soon as I got home I took a cool shower to draw the heat out and then I buy from Costco these really big containers of coconut oil and I use that on my skin. I really shouldn't be out like that in the sun because I have Lupus," (cue horrified look on my face with me starting to say, no you shouldn't! but not being able to get out any words before she went on) "but I do it anyway. I also have rheumatoid arthritis and osteoarthritis so I just want to make sure I'm moving all the time while I can. I told myself I'm 50 so I need to do what I want and not be so worry about anything else. I was born with Klinefelter Syndrome, that's where you have both masculine and feminine parts and traits, and it comes with a whole host of health issues so I just want to make sure I do what I like to do. And I go to the gym everyday."

(she took a long enough breath here for me to get in.)

"I understand that. I have arthritis as well and I keep moving so I can keep moving, it's really important." 

Then the woman who had been next in line was done so I could take my turn and I thought our encounter was over. She left with a wave over my body, "Well you look great too so keep it up! When you are 50 you will be glad you did!"

I just smiled and told her to have a good day. 

Then went and took a seat to get my polished changed. 

I hadn't be there long when the door opened and she came back into the shop. She had messed up her nail getting in to her car and needed it fixed. Then decided that while she was back she'd just have them take her toe nail polish off as well and plopped down in the chair next to me. 

Oh it's one of those encounters. 

And I was well and truly stuck. So I settled in for the ride. I know where she vacations, what she does on those vacations, I know all about her slipstream camper that she refurbished herself in a steampunk style. She showed me pictures and it's really adorable. I listened to her for about a half hour as she talked about SCUBA diving with sharks in Hawaii, SUP in Alaska and all over the world really. She's very active. Especially since she's 50. She told me her age a lot. And I love it. I mean you all know how I am about aging. We need to be joyful in it. Fifty is nifty!

She mentioned how different things are now than when she was a kid and I agreed. She said, "Well you're Gen X like me right?"

And I said, "I am. I'm actually older than you are."

"Oh you are not."

"I am, I'll be 54 next month."

I love that moment and hope that I will be like my mother and get it for my entire life. The one of disbelief. The you look so good for your age. I know I do. I know it's vain and shallow and I did nothing to earn it. My parents both looked younger than they were, it's just genetics. And not doing anything to really fuck that up. I mean if I had kept smoking and kept trying to tan my skin to her shade I would look like a fruit roll-up by now, but I didn't so I look younger than my age. 

When she had run out of things to keep her in the shop and I had subtly mentioned I would be running a lot more errands after I was done with this stop she said her farewells and left again. The woman doing my toes smiled and told me I was a nice lady for listening. I told her we all need someone to listen sometimes. 

And that's really it. She needed someone to listen. 

I had a lot of things I would have liked to ask her but didn't. The first thing being does she always lead conversations with the fact that she has Klinefelter Syndrome? I mean, I assumed she was trans. Even before she turned around and I was just admiring her skin tone I suspected she might be. So why does she put that out there right away? Safety? Separation from other trans folx? Hoping that someone who might be a trans bigot would be more understanding if they knew she was born with both male and female aspects? If I were friends with her instead of just a friendly face I would have asked. 

I also would have asked her how safe she felt traveling in her camper by herself. And on cruises and on the river. That's been my biggest fear for Katie. Will she be safe? But what would it tell me if she said she had been safe, or hadn't?  Nothing really. 

But I didn't talk much. Supportive noises mostly. A few shared stories about Hawaii and Alaska. I told her about a friend's daughter who does stand up paddle boarding on rapids and how amazing that is to me to watch, especially since I couldn't even stand up the time Brent and I tried it. 

It was a tidal wave of information from her. A series of photos off her phone she shared with me. And bright red toe nails to finish the visit. 

And, like I mentioned, later when I was thinking about it, it was a safe space story. 

In the blog before this one I mentioned the blog I wrote a few years ago about safe spaces and how I don't really believe they exist. There is always something unsafe lurking. And how I don't believe they should exist in the academic realms, at least in the we never talk about uncomfortable topics realm. But I do know that it's important to feel safe. To have moments where you feel like you are going to be okay.

To have moments where you interact with a stranger who doesn't treat you oddly because you have Klinefelter Syndrome. 

I give the compliment. I'm prepared to get hit in the face with a lot of information when I do. And I try my best to take it all in and be that moment in someone's day that is pleasant. That is safe. 

I am a safe space. 

Aint that a bitch?

New Theme!

This week's theme will cover: Trigger warnings, safe spaces, PC, woke, cancel culture and other things that a certain type of conservative twists to mean something bad and a certain flavor of liberals use to beat other liberals up with.  

I wrote about safe spaces and trigger warnings a few years ago. Mostly that old blog is still my opinion now. I think you need to be able to defend your ideas and know why you hold them, so banning all speech that is not what you believe is a bad idea. I know at the time the push was from liberal colleges banning conservative speakers who were pushing pretty awful ideas. The thing is that banning them from speaking didn't stop those ideas from spreading, it just fed into their victim narrative. It ended up giving them another platform from which to spread their bad ideas. "They are so worried about what we have to say that they won't even allow you to hear it!" Ooh...that sounds like something fun to hear!

I thought at the time it was a bad idea. Debate them. Show why it's a bad idea. Sharpen your own ideas and reasoning. But banning speech is almost always a bad idea. Yes, I do have areas where I abandon this stance, the whole yelling fire in a crowded building line. There are things that if you choose to say them, you should face consequences for that. Calls to violence, inciting a riot. But for the most part I think that free speech is too important to hamper. Though it's government interference that we are speaking of when we talk about the right to free speech. Governmental consequences, banning speech and books by government control is where problems lie. Personal consequences are different. You are never free from consequences of your speech. 

But right now we are seeing the right pulling in the force of the government to curtail speech. You are seeing schools being stopped from teaching about racism. You are seeing teachers told not to talk about LGBTQIA+ issues. Or if a student tells them they are in the rainbow they have to tell parents. You are seeing Governor DeSantis waging a tax war with Disney for objecting to the "Don't Say Gay" bill. Even though the Supreme Court decided years ago that corporations were people and had freedom of speech as well. These are clear violations of the Constitution. But as we now have a court who makes decisions based of the law of "because I can" there is little hope that anything will be done about it.

I am going to revisit a lot of those original thoughts separately this week. Updating what I think now on some of it, touching on how it's all been weaponized as well. But today I'm going to talk specifically about trigger warnings. 

I mentioned in that blog a few years ago that I appreciate when friends warn me that a movie has vomiting or hand injuries because I have a really hard time with those. They make me nauseated. For different reasons, but still, ick. But a lot of entertainment and think pieces come with a whole list of trigger warnings now. Does it deal with rape? Does it deal with suicide or suicide ideation? Is there questionable language? Is there smoking? The list of trigger warnings is long. And people will for sure jump in your shit if you don't include them. 

I do not include them in my writing.

At least not in my fiction. 

I sort of feel like maybe I should put a general trigger warning on the description of my blog, or on my Facebook page for my blog. "Trigger warning: I won't give you one."

Because trigger warnings ruin the story. The way I write my fiction pieces I don't want you to know right away what I'm writing about. For instance if yesterday I had opened the story with a trigger warning about suicide the whole story would have hit differently right from the start. I wanted that to be a reveal. The fact that her grandmother had killed herself and then why. I want you to come on a journey with me, I don't want to spoil my own story. 

You know how I feel about spoilers. Very triggering...

It's hard to write the way I do if I'm worried about posting trigger warnings. Or worried about triggering people in general. I write a lot about death. I feel like once you've been reading me for awhile none of that is shocking, but at the same time I have had people reach out to me asking why I didn't warn them. Well, because I didn't want you to know.

And I do know that that means for some people my work can be really disturbing. And I'm sorry about that. But only a little. I am sorry that they felt discomfort and were upset. But I'm not sorry that my work can sometimes be disturbing. I think, for the most part, I'm actually a pretty optimistic writer. Even if it's a story where the main character ends up having been dead for 30 years and just didn't realize it. Or if the story is about getting ready to sell the house that your grandmother died in. I am not for everyone. Hell, I'm not for most people, but that's just it, I'm. I am. This is my writing. My place. 

My space. 

And it's not always safe. 

And it never comes with a trigger warning. 

And I'm not likely to change that. 

The Planning Type...

The walk through with the realtor had gone well. She didn't think it would be hard to find a buyer, even in the slowing market. 

"Your grandmother took wonderful care of this place."

"She did. She was very particular about things."

"Well you can tell. Lovely home. So clean and well maintained. And these high ceilings? Gorgeous. And all one story is very hard to find. I think you'll be happy with the offers."

"Thank you. We are, as they say, motivated to sell. We'd like to get everything wrapped up here before the summer heat really starts. We just aren't used to it anymore."

"I understand that. I'll send over the paperwork this afternoon and if it all looks good I can have it listed by tomorrow."

"Perfect. Thank you."

The photographer joined them in the living room. "I think I've got everything I need. Really good light today so they should come out nicely without much editing. Love what she had done in the bathroom with the tile."

The look of horror on her realtor's face almost sent her into a fit of inappropriate giggles. Her realtor grabbed the photographer's arm and almost ran to the front door.

"Yes, well, we're good. I'll talk to you later, thank you so much for the opportunity to help you sell your grandmother's property."

"No, honestly, thank you. We are glad to have someone we can trust."

The realtor and photographer were ushered out.

She walked back to the master bathroom and tried to look at it with fresh eyes. 

She understood the photographer's reaction. It was lovely. The tile in the shower area went from floor to ceiling which made the room look even bigger than it was. The ceilings were at least 10 feet high. The paint in the room was the same color as the veining in the tile which gave it all a seamless look and feel. It would probably be a big selling point. 

The thought of her grandmother on a ladder hanging protective plastic sheeting made her shake her head. You could have fallen and broken a hip. She then had to laugh. Well, yeah. I guess she could have just broken a hip...

The plastic had been hung with painters tape. Multiple rows of tape to make sure the sheets would stay up but wouldn't mar the paint on the ceiling when they were taken down. Though by the time she got to the house one of the walls of plastic had fallen in on itself. 

The rest was easy enough to pull down, and her grandmother had been right, it didn't mar the ceiling at all. 

Her grandmother was a very particular person who took excellent care of her things. 

She found the letter on her grandmother's desk. It was on top of all of the important paperwork. That's how it was labeled. A stack of paperwork with a sticky note on top, her grandmother's once beautiful flowing handwriting now a little shaky around the loops, "Important Paperwork." And on top of that the letter. 

It was the official letter from her doctor's office denying her the palliative care she has requested. She was 95 years old. The cancer wasn't going away. She had a limited amount of time left and she wanted to go on her own terms. Before the pain was too great, before she was nothing more than a body in a bed with a constant drip of morphine in her veins. She was a very particular person and that was not what she wanted.

But her doctor had denied her the care she requested. 

Instead of a gentle death surrounded by her family she took care of everything herself. In her tiled shower stall. Surrounded by plastic sheeting. 

She wondered if her grandmother's doctor felt good about his decision. If he still felt like he had done the right thing. He had the ability to help her grandmother leave on her own terms, gently, easily, surrounded by love, and instead forced her to stay, in pain, deteriorating until there was nothing left.

Or at least tried to force her to stay. 

She hoped the house sold quickly. She hoped there were more people like the photographer who did not know what happened in that beautiful tiled bathroom. And she hoped that telling her grandmother's story would make a difference for someone else. 

Let people leave peacefully on their own terms. You cannot force someone to live, but you can help them die with grace and dignity. 

She placed her hand on the cool tile of the shower...

"I am so sorry, Grandma."