A round and a round we go...

A few months ago a friend sent me an intriguing message. He wanted me to participate in a very small experiment he was running. Basically he wanted my take on a niche group. A bunch of people who believe something out of the mainstream. Way out of the mainstream. Flat Earthers to be exact. Go to their forums. Read their arguments. See how they interact with other people. What did I think? And if nothing else I would be able to get a blog out of something there, he was sure.

He was right. I did get a few blog ideas. Of course it was during the wasteland months so the ideas have just been sitting waiting, thank goodness the world is flat so they didn't roll off.

Okay, I'm kidding. I wasn't a convert to the flat earth belief system. But it was interesting to read their arguments why they believe what they do and why they feel they have the science to back it up.

Now here is where I come totally clean. Though I believe in science; I trust science; I think science holds answers to questions we haven't even thought of yet; I am not really good at that type of science. The stuff that incorporates advanced math. I have a degree in accounting. I like that sort of math. Cross footing makes me happy. But when you start adding in letters and imaginary numbers and complex formulas? It all starts to sound like Charlie Brown's teacher in my head. The only thing I was good at in Chemistry was lighting the Bunsen burner.

So understanding that when they would talk about how "of course the earth is flat because of lmnop+qrz-lto=ronger's theorem"* I would hear Waa...waa...waa..waa...waa...But they were convinced. And it looked really solid. And not at all what we were taught is right. So of course I balanced this with reading pages that were put up specifically to show why they were misapplying ronger's theorem** and that clearly it showed that waa...waa...waa....waa...waa...

Even though I didn't understand and couldn't follow along with the math and science on those blogs anymore than I could on the flat earth ones they made me feel better. Because someone out there was showing why they were wrong. Why it wasn't true. Why no matter how much they wanted it to work it didn't. And I took comfort in that.

Which leads me to what my friend was fascinated by in the first place. The interactions with the people in the group. The Flat Earth people are true believers.They really believe the earth is flat. They aren't doing it as a put on or a joke or to be ironic. They firmly believe this. And they will show experiments they've done that they feel prove their point. The religious ones will quote bible verses to show that they are right. The I only believe what  see ones will talk about places where you should be able to see the earth's curvature and cannot so obviously it's flat. The government conspiracy ones will talk about how it's all been set up to...umm..I really was lost here, I'm not sure why it's a big cover up or what the point of pretending it was spherical when it's flat would be, but there were reasons! But the part that really captured my friend's attention was that the people who were hostile and rude and, honestly, ignorant sounding weren't the Flat Earthers it was the people who would go in to their forums and their pages to call them stooopid.

He wondered why that was. Why did people get so hostile? Why were the Flat Earth people so calm? What was going on here?

And it is interesting to see. And totally different than a lot of the science/non-science arguments discussions. You will see the same level of heat and insults flung back and forth between anti-vaxxers and pro-vaxxers. You want to see real venom? Look at climate change deniers and climate change realists go head to head. They will rip each other apart. But not on the Flat Earth boards. The believers were really calm and the interlopers were the rude ones.

And I don't really know why. I have a guess. I think it's because they are so far out of main stream society that the only way to get people to listen is to be calm. To present their science. To show their experiments. And if they are calm then maybe people will listen. And as for why the other side was so angry? So rude? Well they are being told that what they believe, what has been taught to them as pure fact with nobody doubting it since the dark ages could be wrong. And that's a little scary.

See I think it's the people who see ronger's theorem*** laid out on those sites and have a moment of doubt who get the maddest. They are the ones whose foundation has been nudged. Me? I wasn't angry at them because I didn't understand their science anymore than the other science. And my faith is in the fact that there is no way a conspiracy this big with this many people who would have to know could have been kept under wraps for this long. I believe in the power of people to not be able to keep a damn secret, especially a juicy one. So I didn't get mad. I don't believe they are right so they aren't a threat to my belief system.

That's what this experiment led me to think about. Belief systems. Groups. Belonging. Feeling special. Feeling smart. Feeling like we know something that other people don't. That's what I think is behind the Flat Earthers. I think they like feeling like they know something other people don't. That by stepping out of the mainstream and deciding that they are right and everyone else, and I mean EVERYONE else, is wrong they are special. And they have a group of people that feed that belief. That agree with them. That tell them they are right. That everyone else is being duped.

How bad can your day be if you know that you are better than everyone else? That jerk you work with who thinks he's so smart? Well he believes NASA and the big round earth fallacy so how smart can he really be? He wouldn't even understand ronger's theorem**** if you wrote it out in crayon on the back of his lunch sack. But you, you are special. You saw through the bullshit and were able to form your own opinion, based on science you could see yourself. Not the spoon fed stuff in your text books. You are a genius. And part of a very small select group of people who also see the light that is coming from a much smaller and closer sun than everyone else thinks we have.

And it's also why I think you don't see the same calm with the climate change deniers or the anti-vaxxers. They are too big. There are too many of them. They have people they can find easily to stand with them and rage against society. The Flat Earthers don't. And the stakes are different. I don't care if you believe the earth is flat. I think it's odd, but I don't really care. It doesn't affect me. But if you and a hundred of your friends live in my city where my friends are now having babies don't get vaccinated? Yeah, I care. If you are a politician who actively fights against finding alternative fuel sources because the money from the lobbyists   you say the science on climate change isn't there? Then yes, I care about that. If what you are doing has an actual effect on my life or the life of a friend? Then I care on a different level. But if you believe that somehow the world is a disc yet doesn't ride on the backs of elephants who are in turn on the back of a giant turtle then well, okay, you get down with your bad self.

So the stakes are lower. Which means they get left alone, mostly. And the people going in a railing against them give them just enough of a touch of persecution to make them circle in closer. Which is good because we don't want anyone getting too close to the ice edge of the earth.  Brrr... Yes, I'm mocking them a bit, but this is what they believe so...

And if you read all of this knowing what you know about me you can see that I can see a lot of religious group think parallels in the Flat Earth people. They believe something that makes them special. They really want you to believe it as well. They are sure that the world is picking on them for what they believe, and in some cases are absolutely right. Because they can find others who think what they do they feel more secure in what they believe. But they are only on the level of a smaller religion right now. Once they get a little bigger they will want to start legislating what they believe like the climate deniers and the Evangelicals.

And then I will have a problem with them.

But until that point it was interesting. It was different. It shined a bright spot light on an area of my life that I am lacking in education. Not the Flat Earth part, the BIG science stuff. Like ronger's theorem.***** I really should look in to that one.












*not the actual theorem they used
**absolutely not the actual theorem
***still not the actual theorem
****yeah, you know the drill
*****did you really check?

Tailor your message...

A few weeks ago I posted a status about someone making the mistake that calling me a skinny bitch would be an insult. I'm going to share the whole story now because it fits with a few other things that happened recently.

It all started in the parking lot at Target. I was sitting in my car with my blinker on waiting for another car to move and for the people walking in front of me to clear before pulling in to a parking space. This jerk whips around the car and the people to take the space. Seriously? Ugh. So rude.

So I end up parking a few spaces back, not a big deal. The rudeness bugs me more than anything else. And it sets up my feelings about this guy right at the start.

So they get out of the car. Pajamas. Four thirty on a Wednesday afternoon and they are wearing pajamas. To Target. This isn't Wal-Mart go home and put some damn clothes on. And they are both (guy and girl) significantly over weight. So the inside my head voice also makes a comment about how maybe they should be parking just a little further away from the door, might do them some good.

But this is all on me. I know it. I'm mad at them for being rude so I am being a jerk about what they are wearing and how they look, it's normal, but not nice. I know this. So I keep it in my head. We are all jerks sometimes no matter how much we want to not judge and....what the fuck did you just say?

See as we are all walking in one of the clerks that works there is in our group and these two louts in their pajamas start talking rudely about her. Because she's transgender. They were talking loudly enough that I could hear them and I was behind her, so I know she heard them. And she can't say anything. She works there, she can't be rude to customers. So I walk up to her and tap her on the shoulder.

"Those are really cute shoes."

She smiled and said "Thanks it's so nice when people are nice and not assholes."

And I said, maybe a touch louder than necessary, "Yeah, it's a shame when people feel the need to be assholes."

We went inside she went off to the break room, I went over to get a cart and these two lovely human beings stop and look at me. I give them a little side eye.

He says, "I see you giving us dirty looks like you think you are better than we are, you skinny bitch."

So I open my eyes wide and give him the BIG smile, "Skinny? Really? You think I'm skinny? Thanks!" and walk away.

Rude people don't deserve any more interaction than that. Though I could have said a lot more. This young lady has never been anything but nice to us. She's worked there for a few years. And she's always a sure bet to notice when I am wearing a cute outfit, or just got my hair cut, or actually did my makeup before I came to the store. So I love her even though I don't know her at all. Because she's nice. Those people? I don't know them either, but they are rude and nasty so they get no love from me. They aren't worth the time.

Fast forward to this week. There is a young transgender girl who just got a reality show on TLC and is a spokesperson for Clean and Clear. She's been an activist for most of her life. She has a very supportive family and wants to help other teens who are going through what she has by showing them that it can be okay. There are people out there that will be supportive. And kind. I had never heard of her before and spent some time reading about her story. Really interesting.

And of course because I cannot help myself I read comments. And the number of people out there that were concerned with a 14 year old's genitals was more than a little disturbing. I get that the entire transgender experience is hard to wrap your brain around because it's not your experience. But most things in life won't be your experience so you won't be able to understand them. I will never fully grasp a lot of things because I didn't live them, doesn't mean they aren't real. And the number of people that would make a huge point of referring to her as him, or worse, it, was astounding.

Why can't you use the gender pronoun she prefers? What skin is it off your nose to be polite? Because that's really all it is. It's like meeting someone named Charles and calling them Charlie, if they correct you and tell you it's Charles then use Charles. If you then insist on using Charlie you are an asshole. It's their name. Let them choose it. So I made a status about it.

Most likely it won't change any minds. But the people on my Facebook feed deserve my interaction on this one. Use the gender pronouns the person wants you to use. Their genitals are none of your business. Don't be an asshole.

And then we come to the latest...

Talking to my mother yesterday. She's 82. She's conservative. She's religious. And we have a member of our extended family who is transgender. And this is just now becoming known. I figured it out while they were transitioning. I saw pictures and posts and thought, hmm...I think this is what is happening here and then when the big shift with name and gender pronouns happened it was just a moment of Yep. I thought so.

But this is my mother I am talking to so what now? I know she doesn't approve. This is so far out of her approval matrix she can't even see it from where she stands. I can't really lecture her, she's my mother, but I cannot act as though I agree that it's a problem. So I go subtle. I use the name our family member has chosen. I use she and not he. I subtly correct my mother every time she uses he. And then I say, "She's not hurting anyone. I don't understand why people get so worked up. Even if it is rebellion isn't it a better rebellion than using drugs and stealing from people? She wants to be a girl? Okay. She wants to wear dresses? Cool. As long as nobody is expecting the same from me, I'm fine."

She stops and says, "Well I'm just not sure."

And that's the best I could ask for right then. I'm just not sure. I probably didn't change her mind but she's my mother and she deserves all of my interaction on this subject.

You might have to tailor your message when you talk to people but you have to talk. I ranted for years and years about marriage rights. I told people it wasn't special rights it was equal rights. I shared personal stories. I talked and talked and talked. And I know I changed a few minds. Maybe not a lot, but some. But it was important to me so I kept talking. And other people kept talking. And now we are seeing a shift in laws and more importantly perceptions.

This seems like it's going to be another one of those things. I'm not transgender. I have no idea what that would be like. But I have no reason to think that my being an asshole to someone is going to make their life better. You want to be referred to as he now? Okay. You want to be called she? Okay. None of this is a big deal. Not a single bit of it.

Now to be perfectly honest I am really curious about their stories. When did you know? What did it feel like growing up? Are you doing okay now? What could have made it easier? What do you wish people knew? Pretty much the same sort of questions I ask everyone about their lives. I'm nosy. I have questions. I want to know your story. I love stories. Luckily for me I have friends who are used to me asking inappropriate things and they tell me when I've overstepped so I can step back. I also have a friend who is nosy like me who does a whole series on the LGBT community and tells their stories so I get to be nosy by proxy. (Happy Hour with Cameron Stiehl if you want to check it out)

But the bottom line is, this isn't your choice. This is theirs. It's their life. It's none of your business. You don't have to understand. You don't even have to approve. Just don't be an asshole and life keeps on ticking along just fine.

Also, since Google has psychic powers as I was writing this blog this story came in to my search. If you are like me and curious about people's stories take the 15 minutes and watch. But maybe have a tissue nearby...I got a little weepy.

Crisis of faith...

                                                                  http://xkcd.com/386/

That could be my all time favorite XKCD comic. It just sums up what happens so many times. I've posted before about defriending people,  about arguments that go nowhere, and about being social media tired, this blog is going to talk about all of those things. Again. 

When I wrote about being social media tired I wrote about that fact that I just don't really post a lot anymore about things that lead to never ending arguments. I also don't engage with people who are having those arguments much anymore. But sometimes it's really hard not to. Over the past two weeks I've had two experiences that made me sit back and wonder if I did the right thing, made the right call. On one I am pretty sure I did and on the other I'm still not sure.

So the first one was pretty cut and dried. A friend of mine made a post and a friend of hers made a comment on that post. It was a pretty biased comment and so I snarked back. He posted back and called me dear. I clarified my point and also pointed out that we don't know each other and asked that he not call me dear. He then told me yes dear. I told him that that let me know he was just someone who had problems with respect in general. Which led to him call me deary, telling me to get a sense of humor and deciding that I must be a libretard. I didn't post again. Which was the right call. I didn't need to fight with the friend of my friend. And there would be no point in it. I asked him not to call me dear, he saw it as a challenge to get even more demeaning. Because, let's be honest here, he called me dear in the first place to try and put me in my place. I could have responded by calling him sweetie, and I thought about it, but decided to ask, nicely I might add, that he just not address me as such. He's not my husband or my parent or even a close friend. I'm not his dear. In counter to his belief that I must be a humorless liberal because of it, I'm actually fairly conservative. You don't get to call me pet names because I don't know you. That's a conservative stance, not a liberal one. 

But trust me when he went on his multi-post rampage I had to sit back to not respond. My temper was up. It would have gotten really ugly. But this wasn't someone I knew, and there wasn't a point to it. My friend went in and cleaned up her status to get it back on track and asked for no fighting, so I made the right call. Because I hadn't even started to fight yet. And that would have made her uncomfortable and not happy. So that was the right call. 

The next one is harder for me. Because I'm still not sure. 

Background story, another friend of mine posted that she had been defriended by a family member and it was hurtful to her. She then sent a private group message to a few of us who had posted on her status explaining the situation. My friend is religious. Part of a conservative religious family and friend circle. But she has some views that don't align with a lot of her friends and family. She still posts about them, and here and there gets deleted because of them. In this case it was her belief that every consenting adult has the right to get married, not just heterosexual ones. Her relative defriended her and sent her a bunch of material from the church explaining exactly why she was wrong. 

Ugh. So hard. It really is. When a core belief of yours is in conflict with a core belief of a family member it's hard. I've been there. Exactly there. With that exact belief. Now I am lucky in that over the years I've seen my family start to shift closer to my stance. Having a member of your family that you love and cherish come out helps you see that this isn't some esoteric debate but that real people with real lives are being affected. But that hasn't happened with my friend yet. And so there is still this friction.

I posted in the message that I understood how much it sucked but that it might be a good thing to have someone off your list who would delete you just because you held an opposing view point. A few of her other friends offered support or suggestions that you have to be careful in picking your battles. And then one of her friends posted that God didn't create Adam and Steve. And I took a deep breath. And then he talked about the right to marry as related to the bible. And I clenched my jaw. And then he quoted bible verses and basically said that if you call yourself a Christian you have to read and follow all of the bible, not just pick and choose. And I sat on my hands. 

I ended up sending a separate message to my friend telling her that I was sitting on my hands but I just wanted her to know I supported her, I knew how hard it was to stand up for something you believe when your family isn't there and that I wouldn't argue on her message. Because she doesn't like conflict. She had posted about the Duck Dynasty mess a few weeks ago and ended up deleting her status because she felt it was too contentious. Now I had commented (I believe the whole thing was a PR stunt btw) and was reading the rest of the comments and it wasn't my idea of contentious at all. So I also know that her level for argument and mine wouldn't be the same. And as this is an area I feel incredibly passionate about and I could tell from her friend's posts that he had a set point of view as well I could see it getting a little more contentious than she would be comfortable with.

But I'm not sure I did the right thing.

Because he was wrong.

But he would believe I was wrong if I pointed out his logic flaws.

See as I read each of his posts I formed my counter argument. I've been doing it for years, so I know what I am going to say. But the thing is he would have his own. This is an old argument. We've both probably had it a lot. Neither one of us would have changed our minds. And then I worried how ugly it would get. Would he be one that gets condescending in an argument? I don't react well to that and will return it in spades. Would he stick to the point we were arguing or Amazon.com it? And would others in the thread pile on or sit back and watch? And how would all of this make my friend feel? And does that really matter?

And that's the part I struggle with right now. I like her. I respect what she is going through as a not as conservative but still still conservative Christian woman finding her way in the world. But does that mean I should hold my tongue when someone is spouting off about something I completely disagree with?

Does my silence mean I just betrayed my other friends?

And that's where I am having the crisis of faith today. I feel on one hand that I made the right choice. It wasn't the place for that argument and he actually shouldn't have even started it. But because he did should I have let him just go on with it? I don't share his religious beliefs and I honestly don't care about them. Believe what you want. But when you start saying that laws should be made to accommodate for those beliefs? Well that's where you are wrong. Silence is golden, except when silence is viewed as agreement. Complacency. In trying to listen to my better angels and not argue so much am I actually giving in to the demons that make these things stick? 

I'm just not sure. 

I'm sorry...

When I posted my catch up blog yesterday I left out part of the Paula Deen saga. The apology. I told Raquel that was a blog unto itself. So here it is...

When is an apology not an apology? When do you hear someone say they are sorry and take away from it that though they might be sorry they aren't sorry for the right thing? Or at least you don't feel like they have apologized to you, or to who they have wronged? You know it when you hear it. When it just clanks in your ear wrong. When your reaction to the apology isn't one of forgiveness but one of disgust. Or disdain. Or just nothing.

I told you yesterday that I think the racial issues around what Paula Deen said years ago were blown up much bigger than they should have been. That I think she's being scapegoated so we all can feel better about ourselves. And I do believe that. But I also didn't like her apology. Or lack of one. And to be honest, I'm not sure she owed one to anyone. But by starting and stopping and floundering and mucking it up I think she made it worse.

I have to back up a bit. I'm not a Paula Deen fan. It's not that I don't like her, I just don't follow her. She doesn't cook things that I like to make, I think I've seen maybe two episodes of her own show and I just didn't enjoy them. I've seen her guesting on other cooking shows I do watch and I find her to be a bit too much. She's very loud, reminds me of my Aunt Darlene, you could hear that woman clearly from a half mile away. I'm not even kidding. She was loud. And Paula Deen is like that. It's her personality. She's big, she's all of that, all of the time. It's made her a huge star, but it's not my style so though I can appreciate that she is what she is, as she stated, I also don't watch her show so I had no real feeling toward her before all of this started.

So back to non-apology apologies and where Ms. Deen lost me. The first few she put out that were oddly edited and phrased were bad enough but the spectacle on the Today show Tuesday? With the weeping, or almost weeping, she had the facial expression and the choked voice but no actual tears, and the begging for someone to hit her in the head with a stone while at the same time saying she'd like to meet them? It was a mess. Let's start with the no tears weeping. That drives me crazy. Maybe her tear ducts just don't work, but it sure looks like a bad performance to get that worked up without the tears actually falling. Then there is the "he who is without sin" analogy she went for. I get it, you want to point out that you aren't the only one, but it's not one you can do for yourself without sounding like a petulant child. Only someone else can use that on your behalf.

The original story was Jesus pointing out to the crowd that they were all sinners so had no right to punish the woman. Then as they realized he was right he told her to Go, and sin no more. It's a story about judging others, showing grace and second chances. But it changes if you are wailing in a camera about wanting someone to throw a rock at your head and kill you right now if they were perfect and that you'd really like to meet them. It becomes "You did it too! It's not just me!" and that's a totally different story. Can't imagine the crowd would have dispersed if the woman they were going to stone said, "oh yeah? You did it too!"

And then there were the notes of the apology that were basically I'm sorry you were offended by what I said. See there is a subtle turn of phrase here that she was missing. A real apology is I am sorry I offended you by what I said, not I'm sorry you were offended by what I said. See the difference? One puts the onus on you. You said or did something wrong and you are sorry for the offense it caused. The other one is that you are sorry that the people listening to you were such candy asses that they got offended.

Again, I'm not even sure she owed anyone an apology. Maybe a statement, "In the past I have used language that I would like to go back and change, but I can't. As we mature we change and learn and our actions reflect that. I would like to apologize for my use of that particular word in the past and to assure everyone that I do not and would not use it again. I am deeply sorry that my past actions have stirred up so much pain but as we know better we do better and I hope that others are learning from my past mistakes and are going to do better as well." Or something along those lines. But she didn't take this path. Instead she took the victim route. She's the one that has been wronged (and I'm not saying that in a way she hasn't) she is the one that is shell shocked by the reaction. But she is a public figure making money off of an image and she needs to clean that image up a bit. A decent apology, a real apology would go far.

And it's not just Paula Deen who does the fake apology. We all have. We've all used the I'm sorry you got offended line. Or the I'm sorry but... Or the feeling that just because you said you were sorry it should all be fixed and go away. Sometimes, a lot of the time, it doesn't work that way. You can be truly deeply sorry for something you did but it's not going to change the outcome. When I was 6 we were riding the tram in Albuquerque and I broke this fiberglass key thing in the gift shop. Overpriced piece of junk that I knocked off the shelf and it shattered. My parents had to buy it because I broke it. I was really sorry. Deeply sorry. But they still had to pay for it and it was still broken. We took the pieces home and I glued them all together sort of thinking that would make it better. At least we would have the thing we paid for that way. It was still an ugly overpriced piece of junk that they had to buy because I broke it. Being sorry didn't fix that. Trying to glue the pieces back together didn't fix that. It just was. Sometimes sorry doesn't fix things.

But a genuine sorry can help.

My opinion is Paula Deen needs to figure out what she is sorry about and work out from there. And if it's that she said something she wishes she hadn't, not because it's damaged her brand but because it's not a word she would use today, then start there. But if what she is sorry about is that people got offended by what she said, well then she just needs to take a little time away and stop talking.

Temper, temper....

So I have to explain a few things before I explain a few other things before I get to the meat of this blog so sit down and make yourself comfortable...

Every sport has its own oddities about it. Not just in playing but in watching. Baseball has its statisticians who keep track of not only the score but how many at bats and swings and times people spit. Different teams have different traditions and songs they sing. And there are things that you just don't know unless you are a fan and go to games. One of those things in hockey is that you don't stand up. Unless a goal was just scored or a fight is happening or there is a stoppage in play for something else you keep your butt in the seats.

Depending on the configuration of the stands in some barns you don't even lean forward in your seat. The reasoning is pretty simple, if you are standing up in front of me, ever if you are a few rows in front of me, you are blocking a section of the ice. Hockey is a fast game and if you can't watch it all happening you are going to miss something. Hockey fans take this pretty seriously. If you bring someone new to a game you need to tell them, yes, it's exciting, yes you are going to want to get up and shout, but then you must sit right back down.

Here in Portland during the Timbers' off season the Timbers Army will buy a block of tickets and come to the game. Now soccer is completely different. Especially for the Timbers Army.  They stand the whole game. They wave flags. They chant. They sing. They have choreography. And when they come to a Winterhawks' game they have their own section above everyone else where they can stand and chant and wave their flags and have a good time without making the hockey fans crazy. Because there are certain hockey fans that will go absolutely crazy if you don't sit down.

So last night at the game there were these two guys about 5 rows in front of us who were new to the game. You get that a lot during the playoffs.  It's fun to watch a team on the march to victory without having to slog through the whole season with them. And as is the case quite often, going to game for them also meant drinking a ton of beer. So they were having a great time, more than a little drunk, and completely unaware of how much they were starting to tick off the people behind them. And then once they were aware they were drunk enough to get belligerent about it. "I'll stand if I want..." Well so the fans that go crazy? Yeah...not a good idea....

What started as a simple, "Sit down." became a more pronounced "SIT DOWN!" then on to a tossing of candy at the back of one of their heads with a "SIT DOWN NOW!" and it went from there. Then it was a guy in front of us launching an empty candy box at the guy a few rows down screaming "SIT THE FUCK DOWN!" Then it got intense...

So the candy box hit the drunk guy and another guy four seats over starts screaming about assault and that he's going to call the police. Seriously, dude? Assault? And who are you again? And why are you now standing up and screaming when there are still four minutes to play? So then the guy in front of us and the guy who is going to call the police and the two original drunk guys are all going at it. And the guy in front of us starts to strip.  Off comes the watch, the wallet and phone get handed over, the necklace is removed, the sweater he was wearing over his t-shirt comes off and his girlfriend is taking everything and putting it in her bag.  This tells me a couple of things, this is not his first rodeo. And this is not his first rodeo with her by his side.

Of course security came over right about then and people settled down a bit and the guy threatening to call the cops was escorted out.  Which you know left him thinking, "WHAT THE HELL? I didn't toss anything, I didn't do anything wrong!" If he had been a bigger hockey fan he would have known that the secondary fight always gets the bigger penalty. And the two drunks a few rows down and the jerk in front of us postured at each other a bit more through the game then the crowd swallowed up the guy from in front of us and his girlfriend and I would guess they left without a big fight in the parking lot.

But after it all happened I had to thank Brent for not being an asshole. Which he then corrected me and said he was an asshole, so I had to say, "yeah, but not that type of asshole." Because I have never seen him lose his cool like the guy in front of us (who apparently does it a lot since he and the girlfriend had a routine). I wouldn't deal well with him being that kind of asshole.

Because I am.

Or I can be.

Even before last night I was thinking about writing about temper. And then all of that happened and I thought, well, okay, it's time.

My dad had a very long fuse and a slow burn but once he got mad at you he was mad. There wasn't a lot of going back. If he got to the point that he didn't like you the odds of him changing his mind were slim. But it took a lot of effort from someone to get him there. He just didn't get mad easily. My mother on the other hand has a flash bang temper. If she gets mad it's quick and explosive and then over with. She is easier to tick off but doesn't stay that way. I used to always joke that I had the combination of them both, I was quick to anger and once I got there I stayed there.

Now you all know I've mellowed over the years and for the most part people don't see the temper like that. They might get a taste here and there that reminds them it's still simmering but for the most part I don't lose control. I've gotten much better at weighing out a situation and seeing where it will lead before jumping the gun. Take last night for instance.  The drunk guys were being douchebags by knowing that people wanted them to sit down so they could see and not doing it. Because drunks guys are often douchebags. The guy sitting in front of us responded to the douchebaggery by being a dick. Which isn't the right call. The right call would have been to get an usher to either tell them to sit or walk them out. But he didn't. Now these three guys would have yelled and sputtered and then either flamed out or been reprimanded by security and it would have been over if Self-important guy hadn't jumped in threatening to call the cops. What he did was took male posturing, excess testosterone flare up and tossed a gallon of gas on it. Which made it a bigger deal and caused it all to last longer.

So back to my temper. Watching the altercation as it unfolded I was thinking everyone just sit down. Stop being stupid and sit. When the guy inserted himself and started escalating? Well I might have then told him to hang up his phone and sit down. Which I thought was pretty good because I didn't shout at him repeatedly or use the more colorful words that came to mind. But my temper flared at that point and as Brent said, my face got that scrunched up thing going...

Because that temper is still there. And sometimes I'm surprised at what I react to. Like the guy last night. I knew if he hadn't inserted himself it would have been over quicker but he just escalated things that were already bad enough and that pissed me off. I wanted them all to sit down and shut up so I could finish the game (which was great, by the way) in peace. Which I did, because see, just like the dick in front of us and his girlfriend Brent and I have a routine as well from the many times over the years I've gotten that scrunched up face thing. Instead of holding my earrings so I can fight he puts a hand on my knee to snap me back to reality. It usually works. It's just a calm reminder that I don't have to take on the world like a raging bull I can just sit back and relax and let things take care of themselves.

I'm not saying it always works, sometimes he's not around, or I'm too pissed to calm down. But it does more often than it doesn't. And through the years I've mellowed enough that I don't tend to let everything piss me off the way it used to. I haven't reached the point my dad was, where it took a lot, but I'm not where my mom was where if it does reach the point I go from calm to fury in 3.6 seconds.

The thing is that because I've mellowed so much over the years and because most of the people in my life didn't know me before I got it under control my temper can come as a surprise. I warn people when they are about to cross the line. When they've pushed me as far as I'm going to go. And sometimes they think I'm kidding. The thing is, I'm not. I can be vicious. If we are having an argument and I say, "Okay, I'm done now" and want to go calm down you really need to let me. Because I know at that point I am holding on to my self control with the slimmest of threads and if you push me I'm going to get ugly. I rarely get physical but that doesn't mean I won't cut you up with what I say. And I also know if push came to shove out in the world I would still get physical with someone. It's been years since I hit someone but it doesn't mean I can't still feel my fists ball up when I get angry enough. It doesn't happen often but I'm not cocky enough to think I have it mastered either.

And that leads us to the end of this blog. I know I have a vicious temper. I know if I gave it free reign I would still be a bitch on wheels. I know if I let my face do that scrunched up thing all the time I would be just a nasty piece of work. I know all of these things so I choose to do things that keep that under control. To live a different life. Because being pissed off all the time is exhausting. And lonely. It comes back around to the blog I wrote a few weeks ago about choosing happiness. This is part of that choice. I'm not always sunshine and roses sometimes I'm thunderstorms and thorns but I've figured out I'd rather not be that way. Being angry at the world is a bummer, man.

So what about you? Where is your temper on the spectrum? And what are you doing to make sure you control your temper instead of it controlling you? My secrets? Chocolate, meditation and when all else fails an emergency hand to the knee.....

What did you just say to me?

You all know I have a lot of friends on Facebook that I talk to on a daily basis. And for the most part most of you do as well. And you know those times when you are looking through your news feed and you see a quote or a post that seems to be just what you needed to hear that day? That makes you smile. Or makes you think. Or someone posts something on your wall at just the time you needed it most. I have a good friend who is a master at this. She seems to know just when I need a little encouragement or shot of good will and will post just a quick note to let me know she is thinking of me and she loves me. I try to return the favor but as you all know I am pretty lousy at that sort of thing. I think about it, but I don't always remember to follow through (excuse me for a minute while I dash off to post something to her while I am thinking about it).

You all also know those conversations that happen on Facebook where a friend posts something, a link, their status, and everyone comments. And sometimes you end up talking with friends of friends that you wouldn't normally ever meet. Sort of like a party at their house. All of their friends are there but you might only know them or a few other people. But you still all talk. And then there is that line where you aren't sure if you should comment or not. Like when someone posts something on your friend's wall. It's a message from them personally and you wonder, hmm...is it like eavesdropping if I pop in here and say something? I usually look at it as the same party atmosphere. If I was at a party and saw two friends talking I would go up and join the conversation. If I saw my friend talking to someone I didn't know and it looked like a serious conversation I wouldn't. 

Now you are all wondering where this is headed right? Well that's because I am stalling. You all know I write about pretty much every momentous thing in my life. It's kind of a joke. If it happened and I didn't blog about it did it really happen? I write about good stuff and bad. I write about happy days and sad days. I sort of feel compelled to write it down to sort it all out and then move on. This is something I've been debating about writing about since it happened and I kept pushing it off. I didn't feel like I had fully worked through all of the ramifications, and I'm still not positive that I have. But it's time. So here we go...

A year ago I was having an online conversation with a friend of mine and a friend of theirs said the vilest thing to me. I'm not going to repeat it, because I've given it too much head space already, but just know that it was bad enough I had a physical reaction when I read it. I actually recoiled. I was reading Facebook on my phone and shut off my phone and put it down away from me. It was a strong enough reaction that Brent asked what was wrong. And when I told him what was said I could feel myself going pale. It was just shocking to me. I logged back on and deleted the entire wall post from my friend's wall because I didn't want anyone else to see it. It was that ugly.

Not because someone said something mean. People say mean things all the time. Especially online. But because this person didn't know me but didn't hesitate for a second in posting something that was beyond mean and well in to vile. They are a friend of my friend. They came in on a conversation we were having and felt the need to be deeply nasty to me out of the blue. I sent my friend a private message that basically said, "Did she say what I think she just said?" and yes, that's what she said. Now here's the thing, I can give you every excuse for why she said what she did. She was drunk. She was trying to be tough. She wasn't looking me in the eye so it was easy to spit venom at me. But all of those are excuses for bad behavior. And that's what it was. Bad online behavior. Because being slightly anonymous makes people brave. I say slightly in this case because I could see her name, I know she is a friend of my friend, so she wasn't totally in the clear, like most internet trolls are. But she didn't know me. She had never met me, so I wasn't real to her.

And the other thing is that I am sure that if you were to talk to her today about it she wouldn't even remember it. It wouldn't have made that big of a difference in her life. And for me it actually changed my view on part of my world. Like I told you earlier it happened a year ago. I don't mean last Fall, or around this time. I mean a year ago today. I know the day it happened. I know the time of night it happened. I know what was said, I know how I reacted, I know how my friend reacted and I know what else it set in motion and what the aftermath of it was. It was that profound to me. It was that big of a deal. To me. Not to everyone. To me.

And over the past year it's popped in to my head at random times. At first every time it did I was shocked all over again. Then I was mad. Then madder still. Since this person actually lives in my area of the country there was a stretch a few months after she said what she she did that I thought about driving over and visiting with her. Just to look her in the face and ask her to say it again. To see if she could. Once I was real. As you know Bad Denise was well in favor of this plan, Good Denise talked her down from the ledge. Because once the mad started to wear off the sad hit. Sad that she would feel the need to say something horrible to a stranger. And sad that I might have been guilty of the same sort of thing.

You all know I look for the lessons in life. There were a few with this one. Like I said, it changed the way I viewed the world in a few ways. One of those ways was to wonder if I had ever done something like that. Obviously not on the scale she did. But have I ever popped off something snarky to someone that then left my head as not important but stuck with them? That caused them pain or doubt or changed them in some way? I know when I was younger I did. Have I done it as a grown ass woman? Have I ever let my tongue get ahead of my heart? Probably.

So a year later I look back and I realize she did me a favor. She reminded me that everyone, no matter how well they think they have it together, no matter how set they are in their ways, no matter how comfortable in their skin they are, no matter how awesome their theme music is, everyone can be hurt by the right combination of words. And that I need to make sure I am doing my best to watch mine.

And I need to hide the car keys when Bad Denise wants to go for a drive....

Why you gotta hate?

So Tuesday I was watching The Chew while I ate lunch. It's been in re-runs for awhile and I just noticed it was all new episodes this week. Well as I watched I noticed they were doing the tricky camera shots with Daphne Oz, kind of hiding her behind things and she was dressed in an odd fitting top. So on Wednesday I noticed it again and thought, "I wonder if she's pregnant" so off to Google I went. I wasn't the only one to wonder if she was pregnant, there was a LOT of discussion out there about it, and it turns out she's not pregnant she just gained weight. Which is pretty understandable, if you watch the show. They eat and drink a LOT over the course of an hour. And for her, especially, coming on as a vegetarian who didn't even drink to the end where she was game to sample a little of everything you can see how the pounds could have added up.

And then I thought to myself how happy I am that I'm not famous. Because I watch her on a TV show I was able to Google her and see the most personal details of her life. Is she pregnant? No. So then the discussion turned to her being fat. And there was a huge amount of chatter on that. And then the next few linked articles were about how Mario Batali supposedly hates her (I watch the show and never thought that), and then other people talking about how they hated her. And then there was the next link from someone who watches The Chew and wanted to rail about a guest they had on.

I clicked through to his blog because the name caught my eye. He calls himself the MarlboroWoman and writes a blog dedicated entirely to how much he hates the Pioneer Woman.  (She calls her husband the Marlboro Man so see how he was being "clever" in his name) I'm not talking about a one off blog about her, I'm talking about his entire online persona in that area dedicated to how much he hates her. What is his problem with her? Well from what I could tell (and I didn't read all of his stuff because I couldn't stomach it for long) he used to be a fan of hers and then discovered that she does not, in fact, live in a covered wagon but is a very well off rancher's wife. *gasp* I know right? How dare she be rich? And not only that but the recipes she uses, she didn't make them up. They are old recipes that she has picked up from other places. Again, shocking stuff. AND...she tells bad jokes. Which coming from someone who obviously thought calling himself the Marlboro Woman and taking a picture in a blond wig and dress was hilarious I am not so sure he should be judging....

Anyway, this got me thinking. What has happened to all of us? I've talked about this before, that I think the anonymity of the internet lends itself to people being ruder on discussion boards and the like than they would in a face to face discussion. But this is just beyond that for me. This man spends a lot of time dedicating himself to how much he hates someone he doesn't even know. He does a detailed analysis of why her TV show sucks, why her books are awful, why her cooking is no good, why the shirt she wore during an interview was unflattering and on and on. I just don't get it. And he has a lot of people who read his blog and comment on it. The comments were all in line with his opinion with their own spin on it. A few were upset because she describes herself in broad terms, wife, mother, blogger, photographer and accidental country girl. There was a lot of anger towards her making them feel badly about what they were able to accomplish.  How dare she do so much! And then the trashing would begin again.

But here is my question. If you hate someone why spend that much time letting them take up space in your head? Watching the DNC this past week (I will write about my impressions over the weekend) former President Clinton said something that so resounded with me. There used to be a time in politics where you could disagree with the other party (passionately, completely) but you didn't have to hate them. It seems like now you have to hate the opposition, not just disagree with their policies. I don't get it. And I really don't get then turning your life's mission in to spending time focusing on things you hate.

I see it on some of the blogs I read. I "like" Slate on facebook. Now Slate is not bipartisan and doesn't pretend to be. It's extraordinarily liberal leaning. I pick and choose what I read because I think their spin can get to be too much. And I'm pretty liberal. I just don't feel like everything needs spun. So if I am picking and choosing what I read I always have to wonder about the people that read it just to piss themselves off and then comment about how much they hate everything Slate stands for. Why did you just read it? Why did you waste the time in your day to seek out and read something that you knew was going to make you mad?

I cannot stand Ann Coulter. Anytime she ends up on a show I am watching or someone sends me a link that I just "have to" read that she wrote or is mentioned in I can feel my face scrunching into that I smell something nasty look. So here's the thing...I don't seek her out. I don't devote a lot of time or brain space to her. When she shows up on my radar I read what ever I have been sent or watch the segment she is in and think, "Yup, still a nasty sac of venom" and then I move on.

What is the point in dwelling on the hatred all of the time? And really what is the point of the hate in the first place? Can't we say we disagree with something without hating it? Or can't we just not watch The Pioneer Woman if you can't get past the fact that she isn't the first person to ever make chocolate cake? It truly puzzles me. And it leaves me feeling that the Marlboro Woman must lead a sad sad life indeed.

Don't be so sensitive....

So today's blog is a lecture. Just know going in that I am using my mom tone of voice on this one and that there is a "lesson" I am trying to impart. Also know that I am lecturing myself just as much as I am lecturing you.

How many times do you hear people saying that they are tired of the world being so "politically correct" or tired of how "overly sensitive" everyone is? Harden up. Grow a pair. QQ. It's all there online and in every day conversation. I do it too. I have been known to hear someone complaining about something in their life and reply with the eye roll, exasperated sigh and "If that's the worst thing you have ever had to deal with then you are pretty lucky." Or if someone is complaining about how hard a task they have to accomplish is I've been known to tell them to put on their big girl panties and deal with it. So I am not standing on a pedestal telling everyone else they need to behave here, I'm talking from the middle of the crowd.

So when you read that do you automatically think, hell yeah! Or do you think, you're kind of an asshole, Mr. Fry. Or is it someplace in the middle? I'm firmly in the middle.

I do think at times people wander around wanting to be offended. Yes, you read that right. They look for things to find offensive. They look for slights and insults and things that shock them. I am very practical in these sorts of matters. If you are offended by things like gay marriage then don't watch Modern Family. You can prevent seeing what you don't want to see and risk having your sensibilities wounded. There is an organization out there that polices television for all of us, they find things in shows that they find to be offensive and shocking and they rally their organization to file complaints to the FCC about the offense. Now the members of their group probably never saw the offensive material, nor would they ever have been offended about it if not directed to it by the organization, but now they are highly offended. These people I have no tolerance for. To these people I say stop looking for ways to be insulted! You are doing it to yourself and I don't need you to "protect" me. They will say they are doing it for "the children" which I also have no tolerance for. Parenting, everyone with a child should try it. It's not easy, but it's your damn job. (another blog, another topic, another lecture)

But then there is the other that happens. Someone makes a joke or a statement that is pretty offensive and when it's pointed out, "Hey, did you know that's pretty offensive?" they sit back and huff an puff and talk about how everyone expects you to be so "damn PC" these days! Well, if you are talking about practicing courtesy then yes, I expect you to be PC every day. And I will tell you that the times I am the most defensive myself is when I'm pretty sure I've probably done something wrong and I just don't want to face it. So instead of looking at why what I did might have truly been offensive to someone I decide that really they are the ones with the issue, not me.

I see it in political arguments. Both parts. The people that are just dying to find offense in what someone is saying and the people that really did do something offensive but refuse to acknowledge it. And sometimes it's just because of where you are coming from. You want to offend me? (and I say offend but what I really mean is piss me right the fuck off) Call me uppity when we are having a difference in opinions. Uppity is never ever used in any other way except to try and belittle the other person. Someone cannot be uppity if you view them as being on the same level as you can they? Just by calling someone uppity you are implying that you are above them and they are trying to overreach and get to your level. Other people might not view it that way. But I will. And I will call you out on it. And then you will say not to be so sensitive and I will realize that you are just an asshole who is going to defend your bad behavior so any further discussion is stopped. Just from a word.

And everyone has those words. Retard. That's one for me that I have to remind myself not to use. It was common growing up to call someone or something retarded if you didn't like it. Well as an adult I know that there are people that are very hurt hearing that word used like that. Casually. As an insult. They feel about it the same way I feel when I hear someone using the expression "That's so gay." Does it make me easily offended? Does it make them? Or does it mean we should all watch our phraseology (to quote the Music Man) a little more?

Now you are wondering about those that really do suffer from a lack of perspective in their lives. The ones who do really think that FML is the appropriate response to the grocery store line having more than 5 people in it...to them I say. Bless your heart. Because honestly, we've all had days like that. Where nothing has gone the way we want it to. The dishwasher leaked, the cell phone fell and broke, the car ran out of gas, the boss yelled at us and then we picked the slowest line in the grocery store when all we wanted was to get home with our pint of brownie bits in chocolate ice cream and eat ourselves in to a food coma. So at that point the 5 people in line does seem like just another slap on the day. And you saying that I need to harden up is just going to make my day worse. And possibly make you end up with a face full of ice cream depending on how close you are standing to me when you say it.

Now, if they are chronically bummed about the little things then yes, they need to stop QQing about it and move on with  life. Make it better. But guess what? You telling them that they are too sensitive isn't going to stop them from being that way. And if it offends you that they whine about their day then....don't listen anymore. De-friend them or hide them so their status updates don't bum you out. Don't look for reasons to be offended, in other words.

Yes, I believe the world needs to be more PC. Positive and Caring. Practicing Courtesy. Productive in Communication. And you telling me how I shouldn't be offended by your offensive statement doesn't get us there any faster than me looking for things to be offended by does. And the next time you really want to lay in to someone for being overly sensitive about an issue, flip the script. Put yourself in their shoes with one of your issues. Imagine how it would feel to you if someone casually insulted something you believe in and then got mad when you pointed out that it was insulting. So take a deep breath next time you want to tell someone to lighten up and stop being so sensitive and think.  And if you want to try and tell me that you never ever get insulted or offended, then please believe I will take that as a challenge. Just a reminder that my mom voice is a little different from other mom voices....

So I guess the summation of this blog (I know, it's a wandery one, give me a break it's a Saturday afternoon and I am feeling wandery) is don't get offended when someone points out that you were offensive. Instead of getting your back up and deciding that they have a problem, stop, think, figure out if maybe you were out of line and even if you wouldn't have been offended by it understand that they were. And then do better. And if you are the sort of person who finds offense at every corner, figure out why. What is really bugging you? What can you change in your life so that you can enjoy it a little more? Because we only get this shot at this life. It's up to you to make it the best you can.

Now HTFU or ease up, buddy, which ever the case may be and get out there and live the best life you can! No offense....