I'm writing the first quarter off. Just so you know. The monthly goals are falling apart. The move is doing a number on my head. The brink of nuclear war is taking up space in there as well. Along with massive flooding in Australia, the worry over lifting the mask mandates everywhere while at the same time trying to be hopeful about it. It's all a bit much. So I'm just going to go back to that original idea I had in the end of December of revisiting the goals at the end of the first quarter after the move is done. Though now the move has been moved out a month and I really think it will be June before I'm settled, so let's look at goals in July shall we?
So...nuclear war? How odd is it to have that top of mind again? Brent and I were talking about it this weekend then I talked to our kid as well. When we (Brent and I) were teenagers none of us believed we would avoid nuclear war. It was just kind of an accepted belief that we would go for as long as we could and then oh yeah, Cold War becomes Hot and we die.
The plan (growing up in New Mexico where missiles and labs are located) was to run outside when the first launches happened so we would die in the initial blast and not have to die slowly from radiation sickness or starvation. It's why a large cohort of Gen X considers themselves at least passive nihilists. We grew up watching people talk about peace while hovering over the big red destroy everything button. Hard to believe there is a real truth when that's your foundation. And the ones that were more active than passive nihilists grew up to be Republicans and are doing their best to reject all moral foundations so... (I'm not even sure if I'm kidding about that anymore)
So anyway, here we are, the closest to actual nuclear war than we've been since I was a teenager (Putin put his "defense" on high alert over the weekend as the invasion of Ukraine didn't go exactly as he thought it would. Now he's holding nukes over their heads as they offer to talk). The speeches we are seeing Putin make show what happens when an autocrat starts to really lose his grip. Grip on his mind and grip on his power. It's really frightening. And it's possible this is going to lead to WWIII, The Nuclear Edition.
And my mind is right back in the space that it was as a teen.
We read stories about what is going on. We realized we could all end up dying in a nuclear blast after all. And then we went to the opening game of the MLS season and cheered on the Timbers.
When I was talking to my kid about it I said I had thought about it a few years ago. That living with the feeling that we could all die if the leaders of the "free world" decided to get their backs up about something. I wasn't sure when I was rethinking it if the just sort of detached acceptance that there was nothing I could do so I would just live was a reflection of being a teenager. If it would be different as an adult. Especially after living life pretty sure that the nuclear threat, though still there, was really low. And now I know. It has nothing to do with age. It's just the way to deal with it.
I cannot control what Putin does. I cannot control how we respond. I can send money to help Ukrainians who have been bombed out of their homes. (Those conventional weapons can do plenty of damage, no nukes needed) I can remind people here about who has supported Putin when it comes times for elections, but even that I can't figure out how to make them see how badly their party has betrayed them. I basically am revisiting the whole nothing really matters because nothing is in my control life of a teen as an adult.
But now with the added twist of understanding that though nothing really matters because nothing is in my control; everything around me matters.
What?
Nothing matters so everything matters. Nothing matters because I have no control over it. I can't make things happen or not happen in exactly the way I want them to happen or not happen. But everything then matters because I have no control over what is going to happen.
Every moment I get with the people I love matters because there is a chance it will be the last. (Thank you pandemic for reinforcing this one)
Every fun thing we get to go do matters because there is a chance that the world will close down or blow up and won't get to do them anymore.
The small moments matter. The big moments matter. It all matters. Because it might be all we have left. Because nothing matters anymore.
I've turned into an optimistic nihilist or a nihilistic optimist. Or I guess I should say I've shown that I never stopped being that. I just used to pretend to be more purely optimistic. Or at least I used to pretend to myself. Brent says I've never really changed and that anyone who knows me would say that optimistic nihilist is pretty much who I am. I'm kind and believe people are usually trying their best but are still mostly assholes so fuck those guys.
So the goals are on hold while we all just focus on survival.
Mask mandates are being lifted, people have settled into their hardened vaccine or anti-vaccine camps.
Omicron cases are fading but the virus lives on.
I'm hopeful that we are into the endemic life adjusts to normal phase, but I was hopeful about that last year the first time mask mandates were lifted and the Delta variant came out to play. So...hopeful but not positive.
I'm hoping that Putin doesn't completely lose his mind and use his nukes.
I'm hoping that the invasion is pushed back and the Russians don't continue to carve up Ukraine and Ukrainians.
I'm hoping that the Republicans and the Libertarians that have spent decades preaching that caring for others as much as you care about yourself is weakness, fail. I'm hoping that somehow through the end of the pandemic, the devastation in Australia and other parts of the world from extreme weather and fire events, the threat of nuclear war and any of the other catastrophes we have brewing we end up in a world that considers what others need as well as our personal needs when making decisions.
I'm hoping. But you all know how I feel about hope.
It's what you do when there's nothing left you can do.
Because we can't really do anything.
Nothing matters.
Everything matters.
And we March on...
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