Tell Me The Truth....Ish....

Walking through the grocery store and catch a bit of a phone conversation. "I just need someone who will always tell me the truth..."

I didn't double back and tell them that they might think they need that but they really don't want that. Not if they want a long lasting relationship.

Then I got in the car, I'm listening to the Billy Joel station and the song Honesty comes on. It made me laugh. No, Billy, you don't really want honesty. Or at least not all the time. Then as I pull into the garage The Stranger comes on. Okay, maybe not that far either, but somewhere on the spectrum closer to honesty farther from the stranger but still veering toward the middle ground.

I know, I know, we've all been taught to say that what we want is complete honesty. You never want someone to lie to you. You always want them to tell you the god's honest truth. 

You don't. 

I think when you are around people who always tell the truth they tend to be assholes. Give me a well considered fudging of the truth kindness any day of the week over a blunt truth teller. Give me someone who knows what subjects to craftily avoid or skirt the edges of over people who claim that if you can't handle their truth you don't deserve them. 

This mindset started years and years ago. Brent and I were watching something (it might have been a TV drama or it might have been Oprah) and the topic of confession came up. Should you always confess your transgressions to someone? And the reply was given that you needed to think about why you were confessing and what the damage would be if you did versus if you didn't. At the time I was a firm believer in always telling the truth. No matter what. If your partner said "Do I look fat in this?" and they look fat in it you say "Yes, yes you do." So now you know it was really early in our marriage. 

But this opinion stopped me and made me think about it differently. The case on the show (again, I can't remember if it was actual people talking on a talk show or a dramatized thing) was about infidelity. And the question was asked, "Are you telling them because they need to know or are you telling them to make yourself feel better?" Hunh. Are you just trying to make yourself feel less guilty over something you did? Or do they really need to know? If you are just trying to feel better then you shut your mouth and live with the consequences of what you did. Right now, they don't feel badly about what happened. Because they don't know. As soon as you tell them, you start to feel better and they feel worse. It was something to consider for sure. 

But that's a big one. And people are going to feel differently about it. Me? I wouldn't want to know. Unless it changes the way he feels about me or if I need to worry about STDs I would just want to continue to think that there is nobody else. I know there are other people who are like, if you know my partner is cheating you better tell me and tell me right away. That's not me. I'm happy right now. Why tell me something that would make me unhappy unless you absolutely have to? 

But I'm really talking about all of the little lies and dodges in life that smooth things over. 

Dodges especially.

I think any relationship (friendship, romantic, business) you've had for a long time you know where the minefields are and you can avoid them. You know what subjects are likely to cause a fight. And you can decide, is telling the truth right now that important or is keeping the peace a better idea? Do they really need to know that yes, they actually are the world's worst driver just like their husband said they were or can you tell a story about a terrible driver you used to know instead? Skipping the part that though that person was terrible your friend is 100 times worse. 

Here is where it gets tricky though. I am a firm believer in truth. And in honesty. And in doing the right thing. And transparency.

Just with discretion. 

I'm mostly honest. 

As long as it isn't hurtful. 

So just know, I'll never lie to you. Unless I really think it's better than telling you the truth. Or if the lie is a funnier story. Or...

But really. Trust me. I promise to tell you the truth...ish.