Today I...

This is another one of those picture of the day cues that needed more.

Today I...

Well I could go with my normal what I do on Fridays.

I could go with what is different about my time in isolation on a Friday.

Or I could say.

Today I mourned.

That's what I'm doing today.

I'm mourning the loss of one friend a couple of weeks ago and the loss of another yesterday.

I'm mourning a country that is burning.

I'm mourning a pandemic that has taken over 100,000 Americans and over 360,000 world wide.

I'm mourning a lack of leadership.

I'm mourning.

Today I  mourned.

The friend that passed last week I had actually lost a few years ago to addiction. His overdose just made it a permanent loss. The last conversation we had wasn't a great one. And that hurts. I can't change it and honestly I wouldn't. You cannot want something for someone more than they want it for themselves. I tell people that all the time when talking about sobriety. I wanted him clean SO MUCH but he wasn't there. It didn't matter how much I desired it. Or pretended it could happen. I knew it wasn't. He knew it wasn't. I wouldn't help him use.

It's a sickness. It's a brain chemistry problem. It's a disease. I know all of these things. But I also know that you have to work for your healing. Just like you have to manage your insulin if you are a diabetic. Or take your medication if you have high blood pressure. You have to work to keep yourself well. I cannot do it for you. And just like I wouldn't give a diabetic a bag of sugar and hide their insulin I won't help someone support a drug habit.

And I feel lousy that that was the last conversation we had. Because I wanted him to get clean. I wanted him to become sober. I wanted him back in my life. I missed him. And now that's forever.

Today I mourned.

I don't know how my other friend died. I just know that he's gone. I was just thinking of him yesterday when we got the notice that our county is going to reopen from the virus shutdown. He lives..lived... across the river in Washington. We can...could...meet in Portland for lunch again soon. I was going to send him a message telling him as soon as we were able we needed to have a picnic. I didn't send it yesterday. I mean, I had all the time in the world and we weren't even able to yet.

And now he's gone. And I can't.

He and I shared a birthday. No matter where he was or I was on the 20th we'd reconnect for a just a moment. Online. In a text. On Facebook. Our Junior year of high school the first day of school was our birthday. We made it until lunchtime when we cut out and went to the mall. I mean, it was unreasonable to start school on our 16th birthday! How dare they! And my entire family had forgotten my birthday. But he didn't. Of course. How could he? It was ours.

He and I started life together. A few hours apart in hospitals across the street from each other. We went to elementary school together. We went to high school together. We hung out. We shared a birthday. My 18th birthday he stopped by my work to make sure he wished me a happy one. Then when he found out I wasn't doing anything special he made sure I came to his party. Which ended up in a funny story that I was able to share with my nephew to help him tell me about his own life.

I would get little messages from him. Jokes. Memes. Quick observations. We would chat for a minute and he'd be gone again. Today talking about his death online I saw that over and over again. So many of us would get a random HOOKER! message in the middle of the night, or day, and then whatever it was that he thought we'd like to see. I will miss that.

Today I mourned.

I'm watching the news out of Minneapolis about the riots. The riots. Because somehow I should pay attention to them. But I just don't care about them. Not in a deep way. Because nobody can tell me that a tv or a building is more important than George Floyd. George Floyd was murdered. He's another black man who is dead. Another one.

Oh and I see the pearl clutching and the I would nevers and the I don't understand it and I get that. I would never. And I don't understand it. Because I'm white. Because no matter how much struggle I've had in my life I haven't had that one. So I don't have that reservoir of anger built up. That daily grind of knowing that the first thing people see is my skin. That my parents struggled with this. That my grandparents struggled. That my great grandparents struggled. That when seeing a recording of a man kneeling on the neck of someone who looks like me there would be people saying, Well what did he do before that? Like there is ANYTHING he could have been doing that would justify that.

That there are people right now using that anger as a reason to dismiss the fact that George Floyd was murdered.

That George Floyd is not the first. He won't be the last. He's not even the only one this year. Breonna Taylor was sleeping in her bed when she was murdered. So what did she do? She went home and went to bed. Then she died. Ahmaud Arbery was jogging. And it wasn't even the police with him, just some dudes in his neighborhood. Who felt like it was their right to chase him down and kill him. And they would have gotten away with it completely if they hadn't been so cocky and confident in their whiteness as to have a friend FUCKING RECORD THE WHOLE GODDAMN THING.

No, I don't understand it. Because I haven't lived it. I'm angry enough witnessing it in my life. But to live it? To have it be a part of your every day. Your struggle. I understand anger. I understand anger at things you have no control over. I was abused as a kid. For a few years. Just a few. And it is still a part of me. Now imagine that being all of your years. And all of the years of every generation before you. And all of the people around you.

So yeah, you don't get it. Count your lucky stars. Now listen to those that get it. That live it. That are dealing with it all the time. Their anger is righteous. Your dismissiveness is adding to it. Listen. And be angry with them.

If you were able to see a large group of heavily armed white people screaming about their haircuts and their need to reopen businesses and think that somehow they were being oppressed and say, yeah, two months is too long and not see that slavery to Jim Crow to Redlining to "What did he do before he was murdered" for hundreds of years would make someone SO MAD THEY COULD EXPLODE I don't know what to tell you.

Today I mourned.

We're in the middle of a pandemic. And you know that struggle I mentioned above? Add that to it. Yes, we are all susceptible to the virus, but it's hitting communities of color much harder. Because of the racism. Seriously. Worse health care, so there are more underlying conditions. Fewer jobs that are in the "Able to work from home" category so more chances to be infected. Angry? Yeah, how would you not be angry when you saw that even a virus attacked you harder?

And I've talked about it before. I HATE the dismissiveness of the "elderly and sick" argument. Like shaving a decade from Grandma's life is cool. Or multiple decades from someone with asthma. It's positively barbaric to look at life like that. Like we are culling the herd.

I hate that people want to argue about wearing masks. Or sitting 6 feet away from someone. Or that we need to do contact tracing to try to stop the spread. Or that rant above where people think that they are being oppressed by taking care of each other. Fuck you.

Today I mourned.

We have no leadership. We are rudderless. He is tossing red meat to his base and it's disgusting. That's not leadership that's...I don't know what that is. But fucking vote in November to get him out of our house because we can't do another four years.

We can't.

Today I mourned.