I had a dream last night that I was either a politician or a motivational speaker. It would switch through the dream. But my platform/speaking topic was that it was time to embrace your inner Karen.
A few friends of mine from my days in advertising were in the dream. Cynthia (who I've blogged about before and how awesome she is) was my campaign manager/tour organizer (depending on which was happening in the dream). She kept me moving from city to city and on schedule. She was the one making sure I had my talking points in hand and that everything was prepared and ready to go when I hit the stage. She was my personal Karen.
Her niece Holly, also a friend of mine from my advertising days, was in the dream as well. I needed to find a cool new pair of pajama bottoms to go to her slumber party that she was throwing for her son's birthday but somehow became all of her friends coming over to watch movies and drink.
And then at one point when I was getting ready to make a really important speech about how we all needed to get our Karens on and get things done Holly called Cynthia to let her know that at the same time I was going to be making my speech Avril Lavigne was going to be on a different channel talking about how much happier she was now that had let go of her Kareness and just become agreeable.
As I woke up I was in the politician portion of the dream because I was flabbergasted and telling Cynthia..."But she's CANADIAN!"
Now I can pinpoint where the Karen piece came into my subconscious. A friend of mine named Caren (with a C) is shifting to being a CiCi (what her granddaughters call her) and away from Caren (with a C) to get away from the Karen stigma.
Because all of those poor Karens in the world have really gotten hammered with the memes and posts about middle aged women who need to talk to the manager.
And I admit I find them funny as well. And I totally rolled my eyes at the people who are very deeply into their feelings about it being bullying to those poor Karens of the world. That just calling someone Karen is hate speech (an actual opinion piece written by someone) and I totally get how not amused I would be if it were Denise instead of Karen.
And I will totally admit when the meme came out years ago with a picture of a hairstyle I often wear and the tag "We call this the I'd like to talk to your manager" I totally did not get the actual joke. I thought it was that the person was unhappy with the haircut because it was long in front and short in back, like maybe they thought it was an accident? But NO it was that middle aged women with that haircut were more likely to lodge complaints with managers! And I mean, it wasn't until SUPER recently that I got that. And people sent me that meme ALL THE TIME. And I would look at it and think...yeah, no. I do that on purpose. Like right now my long on one side is on purpose. I didn't get it...
And a month or so ago I saw the funniest comment and a reaction to it that puzzled me as well. The comment was "Sure everybody hates Karen until they REALLY do need to speak to the manager." Which made me laugh! I've been the Speak to the Manager friend for ages. The first time I had to speak to the manager on someone's behalf I was like 19! And I had been doing it for ages before that. But the comment that stuck with me, and really bothered me was from some dude who tried to insist that you should never speak to a manager. That somehow expecting things to go right was wrong and you should just deal with whatever shitty thing happened to you because if not you were just a privileged bitch.
And then this morning laying in bed thinking about that dream I realized that the dream was bugging at me because the whole Karen thing is just another way women are held to a different standard. It's not hate speech, but it's for sure super sexist.
Think it's not? Then why is it always a woman who is chastised when she speaks up?
You know where I learned to "speak to a manager?" From a man. Never ever deal with someone who is not authorized to change or fix the issue. There is no point. I can stand and argue with the person at the register about a return, or a bad meal, but most likely that person does not have the power to change anything and my arguing with them is just me being an asshole making their day bad. If I want something to be changed I need to speak with someone who has the power to fix it.
Negotiating car deals, bank loans, better credit card rates, better cable deals, I don't want to talk to the person who has to follow a script, I want to speak to the decision maker. Let me speak to the manager.
But there isn't an equivalent dude Karen. Men are allowed to be demanding and decisive. Women are not allowed to be bitchy and hard to please.
See?
We even talk about it differently. If you are a woman who has not gotten the service you expected, or are paying for and you want it fixed you are a meme. Okay, Karen...
Growing up I was always the one in my friend group who talked to the person behind the counter. I was the one who had the most comfort with it. Basically I wasn't intimidated or impressed by a name tag. I'd worn plenty of them myself and knew that there was someone in that store that was going to be able to fix the issue. Even if I was 16, or 17...or like I said, the first time I pulled the full Karen out of my arsenal I was 19. And I did it for a friend who was in her late 20s. She was getting shafted and they weren't helping her. When I arrived she was in tears about it and so I took care of it. At 19 I was already a Karen.
We just call her Bad Denise.
I don't need to be an asshole or a bitch. But I also refuse to be taken advantage of or treated like an idiot because I have boobs. Though there have been times that even my Bad Denise just can't work due to lack of a penis. For those times I have a Brent and am not afraid to use him. I just wish I didn't have to. Because I shouldn't have to have a man come talk for me. It shouldn't work that way. But it does. And when I stand up for myself I know I'm at risk of being called Karen.
Which isn't my name. My name is Denise. And it's all up to you which one of the Denises you get to deal with. Meme or no meme.
So yeah, laugh at the funny memes. Try not to be unreasonable about what you do want to speak to a manager about. But do not ever settle for less than what you paid for, less than what you should get, less than some dick with a penis would get.
Now channel that inner Karen and get shit done!
EDIT: 6/26/2020
After I posted this I had a couple of friends share that Karen has morphed from just a general middle aged woman who is being bossy to a racially tinged term. Pretty specifically middle aged white woman unreasonably flexing her unearned privilege generally against people of color. Just so we are perfectly fucking clear on this, I am not advocating for this bit of Karenness. Ever. The only time you should be breaking out that white lady privilege is when someone needs your help AS a white lady, you know the times. When people in power aren't listening because they don't see color and yet somehow can't hear voices of color either. Use it then. Then go back to trying to dismantle the system that gave you that privilege in the first place.
Don't ever settle for less than you deserve, don't ever abuse what you've not earned. And don't abuse what you have earned for that matter. The purpose of having more is to have more to give. And part of that giving needs to be giving the opportunity to people who haven't had it before. Pull and boost people up into positions of power and then step the fuck aside.
I didn't say step backwards either so stop that nonsense. You want equality for all it has to start at equity. Get everyone on the same level. Then let people work from there and for now that means using your Karen as a good guy. Maybe my friend CiCi has it right, change that name. Change that dynamic. Work toward a new system.
Just needed to be clear here.
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