I was listening to a Fresh Air interview this morning at the gym and was hit by a moment of hearing someone who usually "gets it" completely missing it.
Terry Gross was interviewing Tig Notaro and they were talking about Louis CK. First off Tig Notaro was clearly uncomfortable about the discussion and Terry was still forging on. And I get that, to a point, she is trying to get answers people listening might want to hear. Tig was on the forefront of calling Louis CK out on his behavior and working to hold him accountable while also having to work with him as a producer on her show. The relationship was complicated from the outside looking in. Tig gave an explanation of how she came to work with him, what she saw when she started to work with him, what she then did, then the fall out when everyone else found out about him. And that should have been that.
Except...
Terry wanted to make one more point. It was that she felt sorry for Louis CK. (Did you hear the record scratch or was it just me?) See, he is such a huge talent and to be controlled by these impulses is just so sad. (my face was totally doing that my face thing) Tig was going to have none of it. (yay!) She said who she felt sorry for were all of the women he had harassed. The women who dealt with the fall out from it all. The women who would never feel the same way about him, about other men they worked with who supported and covered for him, about women they worked with who did the same and about themselves. The doubt they felt about themselves in what they might have done or not done to prevent it. Because that's what victims of assault often do, blame themselves. Society blames them as well.
I was really glad to hear Tig do that. Often we don't. Terry was very apologetic and wanted to make sure it was clear she didn't mean any harm she just couldn't understand what he did and why since he was so talented...
See and here is where empathy and sympathy can be excessive. He's an asshole. He's a criminal. He's a serial sexual abuser. He's a predator. He used his talent and his connections to get away with it. You wouldn't see the sympathy for a dude on the bus jerking off at women but it's the same thing. I don't care what your compulsions are, you deal with them without victimizing other people.
Talent, money, power, sports skill, all of those things are not excuses for bad behavior but we see over and over again that they are used to justify why people get away with it. Bill Cosby, oh we shouldn't taint his legend. (taint away, he's tainted) Bill O'Reilly, oh it was all a left wing conspiracy that he REPEATEDLY harassed women. Ben Roethlisberger, oh but he throws the ball really well (side note, I had to google his name because we only call him Rapelisberger in this house). Kobe Bryant, oh he's the greatest and he bought his wife that ring to make up for it (umm, it wasn't her that he raped). Don't even get me started on Jameis FuckingWinston. Harvey Weinstein. Anthony Weiner. And on and on and on. We excuse men (mostly men, I'm sure there will be women out there sometime) for horrible things because of a variety of reasons that we shouldn't ever consider. Bad men who have gotten a pass because of money, power, talent, sports skills, family connections...The White House holds one now and if HRC had won would have held a different one. Getting away with things the pervert on the bus never would.
But I get it. Terry Gross is highly empathetic and one of the curses of being highly empathetic is it can bleed over into sympathy where it's not deserved. I am really empathetic. I think a lot of creative people are. You need to be able to understand why people act the way they act to be able to write convincingly about them, or act in a play or a movie as someone else. It's a strong trait. I am not very sympathetic though. I can completely understand why someone got to where they are, I can see the things that led them there, but then I stop short of feeling sorry for them because of the actions they then took. For me empathy usually only goes so far. But for others empathy and sympathy become closely linked and I think that is what I heard in that interview from Terry Gross. Her empathy bled into sympathy and Tig Notaro rightly pulled her back and gave her the real victims to feel badly for.
And just to add to the equation, assholes know how to play on this. Harvey Weinstein supported any number of organizations that promoted women. Louis CK did the same thing. He presented a "good guy" image out there, including promoting Tig Notaro's comedy. The New York Attorney General who was leading investigations in to other men including Weinstein, while all the while covering his own abuse allegations is another. They put up a smoke screen of good guy to cover for the asshole they are so when it's discovered people are left with this feeling of yeah...but...
You aren't sure how to feel. Does the asshole part completely negate the rest? Or does the good outweigh the bad?
Empathy vs. sympathy. I understand your feelings, but I don't feel sorry for you when you act out based on them. And I also can say, "They did xyz that was great, however, it does not excuse abc."
I'm not the Catholic Church, there are no buying of indulgences.
We can understand people and feel badly for their situation but we should never let that cloud our judgement of their actions. I have no sympathy for someone who victimizes others. But what I do have is a ton of respect for Tig Notaro. May we all be so good at defending those ideals.
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