I don't.
I am not built for that outfit. The collar is too high, I would need it to be a V-neck, and even then it would pull across the buttons and gap. My hips and butt are full enough that a skirt with inverted pleats tends to not keep those lovely flat tucks. And I have a wide toe box so finding a pump with a kitten heel that would fit is pretty close to impossible. But I still see this and think, oh I need that.
Somewhere in the back of my head I hold this physical image of myself that is not who I am. Like I could change myself out for her when I wanted to. Very much like the Good Denise, Bad Denise voices I use for personality traits. This is the image I hold of "what I thought I would grow up to look like Denise" She's much more willowy than I am. She can wear clothes right off the rack. She's got a very preppy style. Now we all know that the "who I grew up to be Denise" is not that person. Willowy is not a word ever used to describe me. I'm full figured, curvy, even lush works. My style is not preppy. It could be best be described as casual. VERY casual. As in fully half of my wardrobe is Disney t-shirts casual.
But there is some part of me that thought this is what I would turn out to be when I grew up. Of course at 3 months away from my 50th birthday I am prepared to say that just growing up is pretty much out of reach as well. There was that stretch in my early 30s where I REALLY made an effort and was super responsible and did the right grown up type of moves, then lost my mind, realized I was miserable, made some questionable choices and settled back in to the not at all a grown up but isn't everyone much happier now me. Whew...
Still have part of me thinking I could rock a preppy, polished, classical look with a kitten heel though. But at least now I don't buy the outfit and let it hang in my closet knowing that each time I put it on the image that looks back from the mirror is NOT the image in my head. Which is the worst. I had a whole bunch of those types of things through my shopping years. And sometimes it would take a photograph to fully capture the "oh, honey" of it all. Oh my...
Now at almost 50 I'm pretty good about only buying things that I know will work for my body style. And I try to stick with the majority of my purchases being things I will actually wear. (thus the Disney shirt abundance) So even though that outfit speaks to that part of my soul that holds out hope for a body and personality transplant, I won't indulge it. (though, Susan, if you are reading this, I think you would look so good in that outfit!)
For me life is a constant sorting out of things that aren't me. That I might have thought should be me, things that I can see might even be beneficial to be me, but just aren't me. And for the most part I think I've got it. Who I present to the world is really who I am. I am a happy person. I am a content person. I want people to get along. I really want people to be smarter. I want to share knowledge and to encourage people to find the truth. I believe in not being rude, until you earn it. I believe in being kind, until you are an asshole then I believe in making you cry. I get tagged by people in this meme a lot:
And to be honest, it's probably more than a little go fuck yourself depending on the day. But it's pretty accurate. Another one I get that people see and think of me is "Do No Harm, But Take No Shit" I like that as well. What these show me is that I really am presenting who I am to the world. I'm not showing you a woman in a cap sleeved cardigan with a full skirt and kitten heel while my Disney t-shirt wearing true self is hidden away. You get what I am. And I will keep showing you that person. And I will keep reminding myself that it's okay that I didn't grow up to be, well, a grown up.
Oh and just so you know what I did buy, because life isn't all Disney shirts...
The reviews said: "I like it, but it's a little full through the chest." and I said, "Hey! Me too!" And it is, and it's beautiful. And I can't wait for the weather to warm up enough to wear it AND...it has pockets. I also have the perfect pair of shoes to go with it. A flat, round toe, wide shoe, for when I have them on and haven't kicked them off because really, I'd rather be barefoot in the summer.
Be you. Always be the you you really are. Not the you thought you might be. Or the you you think someone else believes you should be. Be you. You are the only you we have so be the youiest you you can be.
Kitten heel optional.
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