This is probably going to be a bit of a mash up blog. I know there is a story I want to tell about my childhood, and there are a few notes I want to hit about "these kids today", or I guess more importantly "these parents today" so it's going to get a bit wandery at times. Like that's never happened before...
On Saturday I was talking to a friend (who also is my hairstylist) about growing up and how different things are now. How when we were kids we had a ton more freedom. I walked myself to and from school from first-fourth grade for instance. And it wasn't a short around the corner walk, it was a we lived right on the edge of the bus boundary walk. But both of my parents worked and my brother and sister were in school or at work themselves by the time I needed to leave for school so I walked myself. And I walked home. Key on a piece of yarn tied around my neck. And I wasn't the only one. We were the latch key generation after all. And she said the thing that most people my age say, "It's a wonder we made it out alive."
Thinking back on the things I did as a kid, I rode my bike or was out on my roller skates for hours. No exaggeration, hours and hours. No cell phone, not within earshot, sometimes without an adult even having a clue I was out. They weren't home, how would they know? I lived in the South Valley for part of that time and anyone growing up in Albuquerque would tell you that nobody should wander the South Valley alone. But I did. And my friends did. And we got in to scrapes, and played with things we shouldn't have, and saw things we probably shouldn't have, and had what was a normal childhood at the time. Totally normal.
Contrast that with C and when he was 11 or so he would walk the neighbor's dog. He and Candy would take off, with my cell phone in his pocket, with strict rules on where he could go and when he should be back. The boundary increased as he got older and more experienced. Or I should say as I calmed down and realized it was fine. But he had a pretty wide range within our "no busy streets" border. He also started walking the mile down to Bethany for lunch or a snack at around 12. He had money of his own and he chose to spend it that way. When there was a Godfather's in the square he would head down there a few times during the summer for lunch. One of the women that worked there was impressed with two things, one how polite he was and two that we let him go on his own. Now I was/am(?) an overprotective parent. I will admit that. I screened his movies, his video games, his computer files; kept tabs on how he was doing in school and what issues he might be having academically or socially. The whole bit. But not letting a 12 year old walk to the local shopping area? That was a step too far for even me.
But it wasn't normal. I know of high school age kids that aren't allowed out on their own. Not because the parents are afraid of the teenage behavior trouble they will get in to but because the parents are afraid they might be abducted. Snatched right off the street! A parent's big fear. What if? But the reality is that the what if rarely happens. It happens. And I wish it never happened, but most childhood abductions aren't by strangers, they are by the non-custodial parent. And since both Brent and I were under the complete agreement that we made him together so we both had to take care of him together we weren't worried about that. I will also say reading the book The Culture of Fear when he was 8 or 9 helped as well. It's the first time I started to really pay attention to the cycle of news stories. It's not that there are more instances of child abductions now than when we were kids it's that they report on them more. And they tend to like to report in groups. Oh no! Look what happened! And then we all panic and keep our kids locked up and they never learn important things like how to leave a proper tip.
Okay, next bit. So remember when we were growing up and words actually meant something? Like bullying. If a kid was a bully or a kid was bullied we all knew pretty much what that meant. Systematic and continual punishment. Usually the bully was stronger (either physically or socially) than the kid being picked on. I say usually but I mean always. That was the point of calling it bullying. The strong picking on the weak. But now? Well now bully means someone was mean to you. It's not the same. And people who try to retrofit their childhood into the "I was bullied" model make me shake my head. I've mentioned before a guy I knew during my high school years who I saw posting on a forum about how he was bullied as a teen. He wasn't bullied, he was an asshole. People were mean to him because he was a jerk. Now maybe he would say he was a jerk because people were mean to him, but now we are talking chicken and egg. When I met him he was a jerk to me from the start. So I was a bitch to him right back.
I did go to school with a guy I would say was bullied. We were all mean to him. On an almost daily basis someone was mean to him. Not all of us at once, but all of us at one time or another. It was middle school and he got hit by the puberty bus hard. He was taller than all of us, greasier, ganglier, more awkward. And we never let him forget it. He called me out on it one time after school. We were almost the last ones there, as was normal and we were talking about something (don't remember) and he said, "Why are you only nice to me when no one else is around? You ignore me otherwise. It's not nice." And being sweet and kind I thought about it and saw the error of my ways and changed. Okay, I totally didn't. I told him "Why don't you act normal when everyone else is around? You act like a big dork so no wonder I ignore you." Ouch. But it did stick with me. And I did have to think about it. And I know I at least had the good graces to be embarrassed that he called me out.
Years later I became friends with a woman who had been his little sister's best friend. We went to the same very small private school. I had no idea who she was, she was younger than me so was just "one of the little kids" but she knew who I was because I was "one of the big kids" and she knew me because she knew this boy. And she ADORED him. Because he was kind to his little sister. Because he was kind to her. Because he was always nice. Because, because, because... Now at this point I was older and closer to sweet and kind and I felt awful for how we had all treated this poor boy. Especially looking at it from the point of view of a little sister who had adored her geeky, awkward, older brother. I asked my friend if they were still in contact and if they were would she pass along a message from me to him. They weren't. So I missed my chance to apologize for the pre-teen me.
So I will cop to bullying when bullying was done. But if you try and tell me you were bullied because someone was mean to you? Not systematically repeatedly mean, but one time? Or because you didn't get along with someone who you were mean to and they were mean to you right back? Sorry, not bullying. And parents I am looking at you right now, you have to let kids figure this stuff out and learn how to get along. If there is real and true bullying going on then yes, someone needs to step in and explain why it's not okay, what is wrong with the behavior, how it must feel, all of that. And if it's dangerous, physical bullying then yes, step in. But if it's two kids who don't like each other? Stay out of it. Let them work it out. It is a valuable life skill to have. Either learning how to deal with people who don't like you, or learning how to solve conflict so you can like each other. Either way if we keep stepping in and "fixing" things we are going to end up with generations of broken adults.
So now this leads to the story I had set out to tell about the difference between today and back then. But I've gone long so I will write that tomorrow.
No I didn't just bully you. I teased you. There is a difference.
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