What do I want to be when I grow up part three, or where I finally stopped arguing and started listening.

So this is where I say "and peace reigned through out the land" right? Obviously not. If you have ever watched children on a playground that are forced to apologize you can imagine what things were like now. An uneasy semi-truce was called based on fear. They were afraid of what our boss would do, our boss was afraid of what I would do. I was afraid I couldn't stand to work there anymore and had no back up plan.

Open warfare ceased but I didn't for a second believe things were fixed. I just needed to be able to come in to work and do my job without it being a battle every day. And for the most part it got there. I didn't trust them, they didn't like me, but we were civil and outwardly professional with each other. And that's all you can ask for in a situation like that.

But then things started to shift. People left, new people came in and they quickly figured out where they fit in the scheme of things. And I was really surprised one day to look around a conference room table of people playing Soduko and filling in crosswords and eating their lunch together and realize that these people were not just my co-workers but my friends.

One of the two main instigators from my hell time still worked in the office and she knew the shift had happened to. If you can imagine how pleasant my surprise was, you can imagine how much it pained her. Not only had the people that had come on board not decided to join with her and hate me, they had decided that actually out of the two of us, I was the one they would rather spend time with. Now you would think this is the part of the story where the sun comes out and she realizes her wicked ways and becomes a good person and we all went skipping down the garden path together. And if it were a book or movie I would say you were right. Instead she went completely out of her freaking mind.

The only good thing about this is that we all were in it together this time. She was the company bookkeeper and would do things great and small to make life hard on everyone around her. Billing was done wrong, expense checks were not cut, she would disappear out the back door and not tell anyone where she was going. UPS items weren't set up. It was sabotage for her amusement. In a normal company this would mean she would lose her job. But we worked for a special special man and so she never was going to get fired and she knew it. I think for a stretch she did things just to see how far she could push us all.

Now during all of this as you can imagine the job was just a giant stress ticket. It went from an outright hostile work environment to a completely dysfunctional one. Looking back it almost seems like that unseen force said...well we tried with one tactic and thick head over there didn't get it, so let's try again shall we?

One of the things that my crazy former boss did well was gifts. Birthdays, Anniversaries, End of Shit Storms, he would gift you. And usually for me that gift was a gift certificate to Aveda. So being on the receiving end of a lot of Shit Storms during that period I was the pretty regular recipient of those certificates. And off I would go to Aveda for my massage. And I would talk to the therapists, or treat them to my version of the Spanish Inquisition..."How long have you been doing this? Why did you decide to do this? Do you like doing this? Where did you go to school?" And on and on. And each time I would leave thinking how much better I felt and thinking "Could I?"

Another piece that fell into place during this stretch was Strength Finders. If you have never done the series or seen the books I highly recommend them. The basic gist is that we all have strengths and if we can line up what we are doing with what we are good at doing things will flow much smoother. One of my clients (also one of my closest friends) was planning on using the system in his organization. To help him get set up with a company wide roll out he gave me a copy of the book to see what my strengths were as well. Well surprisingly my strengths did not line up with the job I was doing, but lined up perfectly with what I WANTED to do.

But I still stayed with the agency. No matter how many times I would think either "I HAVE to get out of here, it's making me nuts," or "Wouldn't being a massage therapist be cool?" I would talk myself out of it. Money for school, time for school, switching careers for a lower paying job even a strong sense of loyalty to the clients I had and the agency as a whole. So I would talk myself back out of it. And I would set my shoulders and hit the job again.

Then the final stretch hit. The bookkeeper had a run where she was crazier than normal. I had had it. Again. My boss and I went to lunch and I told him he HAD to do something. I knew he would never fire her but he had better learn how to control her. I lined out (again) all of the things she had done to make my job and my fellow AE's jobs impossible to do. How she was abusive to vendors and ignored the creative's needs. And I told him that she made me feel like quitting. Now you are sitting across a table from your longest term employee, who is telling you they want to quit because of the actions of one employee, and you know that this is not your only employee who feels this way. What is your response? His? "If you quit over (her) I will lose all respect for you."

So I went home that night and told Brent I was done. I was in the middle of planning a big event and roll out so I would wait until that was over and then give my two weeks notice. So that meant 2 more months at the agency. Six weeks until the event, two weeks notice. And I started figuring out what I was going to do. STILL not thinking back to school at that point. Brent and I talked about me taking a month off between jobs so I could clear my head and look for something new. And I went on my merry way. The week I was planning on giving my notice the crazy bookkeeper quit.

So I didn't. I felt like I needed to stay and help with the transition, and really wouldn't this fix things anyway? So I stayed. A new bookkeeper started (who was her own brand of crazy, but we didn't know that at the time) and things moved along. And I realized I still wasn't happy. I had made my peace with leaving and yet I was still there. Knowing my boss was what he was and that was never going to change. Knowing that I wasn't fully using my strengths. Knowing that other people would be happier in my job. So I was going to quit again. And then my media director gave notice. Her husband was being transferred and they were really excited.

This was a professional and personal blow to me. During my hell stretch she had remained Switzerland. She was able to maintain good relationships with all involved. But for me she was my calm in the storm of the office. My one friendly face in the crowd. I was going to miss her terribly on a personal level. Professionally it was a huge blow as my account was a media heavy account and I couldn't leave without knowing that there was a good media person in place. So I didn't quit.

And I just got more and more miserable. I described it at the time as bone tired. I was tired of working for a man I didn't respect. I was tired of swimming hard against the stream trying to make the best of a situation that was never going to change. The people I worked with at the time were a great group. Smart, funny, beautiful women. Incredible talent levels. This should have been the highlight of my career. But poor (no?) business sense was starting to catch up to my boss and the agency was beginning its final crumble to the ground. Lots of ways it could have still turned around but it wasn't going to. When you feel like you are Cassandra it's time to leave your job no matter what.

So I took a deep breath. The next time Jenn Valdez from East West College of the Healing Arts sent me a "Hey, you still out there?" email, I answered. Yes, yes I am. Brent and I sat down and talked about what it would mean for me to leave. And I decided that I wanted to go to school during the day, not at night so I would quit the agency and get a job at the local Starbucks as a barista on my off days from school. I met with my main client and told him I was really doing it this time. This is really telling, I felt a stronger sense of loyalty to the clients I had than the man who signed my check. He thought about it for a few seconds and then agreed it was time for me to go. And then offered me a job. Part time working from home helping him in his employee development programs and in house projects. I waited until after the planning session for the following year was done, then met with my boss and gave him my notice. Six weeks notice. He had until the end of the year to find my replacement.

Then I went back to the office and let everyone know I was going. It was hard. Like I said, at this time the people I was working with were all top notch. It was just too late for me to be able to appreciate it. So I was on my way out the door. The next week my boss and I negotiated a new arrangement. He would pay for my school if I would continue to work for him. We decided to take it one term at a time. So I stayed. Again. I know...I know...

I have little mini-blog postings from that year posted here. It was a wild ride. I had a full time job at the agency that I was cramming in around my days off from school. I was back in school for the first time in almost 20 years taking classes that were much harder than I ever imagined they would be. I was working part time as well during my "free time." So it was an incredibly busy and stressful time. And I had many opportunities during that year to abandon my dream again. But this time I decided to put on my blinders and move forward on the path I was on.

And it was worth it.

“We must be willing to give up the life we planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Joseph Campbell