Just Wait A Moment...

For as long as she could remember she could pause time. The movies made it seem like a really helpful trick. You could use it as a jokester. Pause time and move people around into funny positions. Make them hit themselves in the face with a cream pie! Or you could use it as the foundation for your superhero powers. Move a bullet so it didn't kill your partner! Tie up the bad guys and have them ready for the police. Great fun! Great use!

It didn't work that way.

At least not for her. 

She could pause time. Make it halt. Sit in a moment. The best she could do was use the time to think of something to say. Give her brain a chance to catch up to her mouth. She couldn't move herself, let alone anyone else. The most she could do was shift her eyes around, but she couldn't even turn her head to see what was next to her. 

Just shift her eyes around and think.

Which, she had to admit, was handy during tests in school. 

She could think of a funny retort to someone who thought they were more clever than anyone else. Even though that was limited. There were still way too many times that she thought up the perfect response later on the drive home. 

She had never met anyone else who could do what she could do. She thought she had once. But it turned out when her friend had talked about reliving a moment over and over she meant in memory. 

But what she did wasn't really reliving the moment. It was freezing a moment. Preventing another moment from starting. Enjoying what had happened, or trying to control what happens next. But not really reliving anything. Just living it. 

She still looked for others like her. She thought that maybe she would recognize a shift of an eye sometime while she had a moment frozen in a crowd. Though she had never felt frozen by someone else. Even if there were others like her they probably were all singular. The same but alone. Freezing their own moments, not aware of others who were freezing theirs as well. That thought actually bothered her a lot. Even though she froze people and moments and knew nothing happened to them, she couldn't shake the feeling of discomfort that someone else could be doing the same to her. It didn't stop her from continuing to do it, but it did bother her if she thought about it.

She had no idea how long she could hold a moment. She thought she had held one for hours before, but since time didn't pass there was no way to tell for sure. She wasn't holding her breath during those stretches so it wasn't however long she could do that. She just wasn't breathing. Her heart didn't beat. Her lungs didn't fill. But her brain still worked. She wasn't sure how a brain with no blood worked but she suspected there were a lot of people out there in the world with brains starved for nutrients, those people that would starve a zombie. 

It had happened once while she was sleeping. She woke up frozen in her bed. Only able to move her eyes. Other people suffered from sleep paralysis, which seemed similar when they described it. Except for the fear. They were terrified of it. She was used to it. That and time passed during sleep paralysis. Only they were frozen. Not everything else. As soon as she was aware that she had done it in a dream she just stopped and time move on. Something that someone with sleep paralysis did not have the power to do, which she agreed would be terrifying. 

She thought that people who meditated were seeking to be like her. To freeze everything and just have a moment of stillness. A respite in the face of a world that just keeps going all the time. She thought that they would be very jealous of her if they knew she had been born with the skill. No practice needed. No special mat, no expensive retreats, just her and her moments of time.

Memory worked the same no matter if she froze a moment or didn't. She knew she had frozen time one Christmas morning. Held on to that feeling of anticipation right before you started opening gifts. That wonderful moment of fullness. Everyone laughing and happy and looking forward to the day ahead. The moment of wondering what was under the tree. What did you get? Would everyone like what you got them? That feeling of pure joy. She had held that one Christmas for a long moment. Tried to soak it in for longer. But when she thought of that Christmas later the memory did not pause. She did not get those extra moments to relive again and again. It moved as all memories did. A feeling and a thought, images moving quickly. And eventually even the knowledge that she had held that moment became a doubt. She could hold a moment, but she couldn't stretch a memory. 

When the last round of chemo failed and there was nothing else that could be done she had wondered how many times she had stretched a moment with him. Their first kiss? Their wedding day? The birth of their son? Had she? She couldn't remember anymore. Her memories moved quickly. All of the years they had had together tumbled together in her mind. She could stretch a moment, but not a memory. 

So she would hold this moment. This one, where she knew his heart was failing. Where she knew he was about to breath his last. She would hold his hand in hers and freeze time.

She didn't know how long she could hold a moment, but she was determined to find out. 

Writing prompt:

Write a story about a character who can pause the passage of time.

Pessimist, Optimist, Just Pissed...

Anyone who knows me knows that I've never believed that Trump will be punished for anything he's done. Even as case after case is decided against him, nothing seems to touch him.

He's guilty of rape. That's what the judge said. That the judgement against him for defamation against E Jean Carroll meant that yeah, he raped her. And it was a hefty judgement against him (he had to pay for the defamation, he will never go to jail for the rape). But he hasn't paid her a dime. 

He is now appealing the judgement against him in the election finance fraud case (it wasn't about sleeping with Stormy Daniels or even paying her off to be quiet about it, it was always about hiding the payments) because the Supreme Court said he can do whatever he wants. Even though this case is about something he did before he was president and it's a state case. But okay...

The guilty verdicts keep rolling in, but nothing ever happens to him. 

And now the Supreme Court, and I keep making a face every time I type that because they are more like the Burrito Supreme Court as in you can buy them if you want to. Just call it a gratuity and you'll be fine. Anyway...that court has said that he has absolute immunity for anything he did as president, as long as he believes, and they agree, that he thought it was official duties he could have. So he will be untouchable for everything else. If he thought he could officially take the documents, then he could take the documents. If he thought he could lead an insurrection then he could lead an insurrection. It makes mockery of the fact that we all knew when Nixon said if a president does it then it's not illegal that that was wrong. What Nixon did was still illegal. But apparently not according to this court. 

Nothing's changed. I mean. Not really. Not the big picture as far as what we need to do, and that's vote in November but I'd be lying if I said I wasn't more and more worried about it. I don't think he will win. I think he'll lose the vote. But I'm not sure he won't be installed as president anyway. You saw dry runs of vote manipulation during the primaries. People testing the waters to see if they could delay or deny the votes were legitimate. And we've seen a Supreme Court decide the presidency before, and they were only slightly corrupt compared to this court. 

And because the court has been busy this term setting themselves up so tidily it might not really matter. The past few weeks they've gutted regulatorily agencies and said that it's up to the courts to decide on matters of regulation. With the Supreme Court being that highest opinion. They've said that it's okay to bribe elected officials, as long as you don't call it a bribe and it comes after the decisions are made, so they've blessed the over 4 million and counting Thomas has received from the Nazi memorabilia collector. They've said that a president has absolute immunity over any official acts and that THEY GET TO DECIDE what is official. So yeah, they've set themselves up pretty well. 

We're screwed. 

It's been a slow rolling plan and they executed it about as well as you could. They've taken over the courts. They've taken over local governments at all levels. They've instilled these weird ideas in a lot of people's heads about what the real problems in America are. Not the rich getting richer, not the loss of actual freedoms, but who is doing what in the privacy of their own bedrooms with other consenting adults. THAT'S the problem. And where people pee! And who is running next to you on the track! OH MY GOD THAT'S THE PROBLEM! Now empty your wallets, hand over your right to protest, and don't mind the brown water coming out of your tap the court says it's fine.

I'll still vote in November. Like I said, that's all we can do right now. Vote and vote in large numbers and hope that there is still a shred of actual decency in the court system that believes we should have a democracy for at least a little while longer. And, no, I don't give a fuck that Biden is old. I knew he was old before. I trust Harris to be a good president if he doesn't make it another four years. I trust the people he has around him right now to run the country in a way that is closer to my own values than anyone on the other side of the aisle would. I'm not entertaining should haves and if onlys, I'm dealing with what we have and this is reality. 

And the reality is we need majorities in the House, in the Senate and a Democrat in the White House. And then we need to undo some of the damage this court has done, and oh by the way, do some court reform as well. There isn't anything in the Constitution that says we have to have 9 justices, and there isn't anything that says they have to serve for life. They could either add 4 to make it the same number as there are appellate courts, or limit the number of years a justice could serve to make it less likely that you get a court that does not move with the population.

So if you went with a time limited court let's say, twenty year terms. That's a significant amount of time. The justices we have now could start to be replaced in two years until we were on cycle with justices serving 20 years. Say, two justices replaced in 2027. That would be Thomas and Roberts, their replacements would serve until 2047. Then Alito and Sotomayor would be replaced in 2029 with their replacements serving until 2049. Next would be Kagan and Gorsuch in 2031 with their replacements serving until 2051. Kavanaugh would stand alone at replacement in 2033 with his replacement serving until 2053. Coney Barrett would serve a twenty year term leaving in 2040 and Jackson would end her 20 year term in 2042. And then the two justices that replaced Thomas and Roberts would be up for replacement in 2047. The court would always be in play during elections. You would know exactly how many justices were up for replacement during a presidential term instead of playing WHO DIES NEXT? Of course if a justice did die, or decided to retire then there would have to be determination if a new justice served out their term or if it started a new 20 year clock on whoever was confirmed. 

I'm sure there are better ways to do it but that's the one I came up with earlier. 

The courts made a mockery of our whole nobody is above the law belief system yesterday. But it wasn't all bad, Bannon, one of the people responsible for the undermining of America did go to jail yesterday. I have no idea how bad it will be for him, a lot of guards are MAGAts. But at least it's something. 

That's what we have to hold on to now. At least it's something. 

Vote in November. 

July...

Here we go. I already logged on to Facebook once today by habit. I quickly found the way to hide the icon on my phone so I don't do it again. Just such a complete habit to open my phone and click the button when I'm waiting for something. But I learned something new (how to hide the icon) and realized as soon as I clicked in what I did and shut it right back down so I'm calling it a win.

Brent is off this week, taking a little staycation. We went to the zoo this morning. I thought we would beat the crowds by getting there at open. And it sort of worked. It didn't really start to get crowded until right as we were leaving, but the zookeepers were also doing a lot of habitat maintenance first thing, and a lot of the animals were sleeping in so it wasn't as great of an idea as I had thought it would be. But just glad we went today instead of toward the end of the week when we are supposed to be angry hot outside. 

I think I've mentioned it before but I am not the adult that moves so kids can have a better view. If I'm looking at something and a kid wants to see they can wait their turn. I have zero problem standing next to the glass to watch the otters. Had a dad try to passive aggressive me out of the way. He did not succeed. And it made him a little tense. I just smiled when I was done. Brent thinks he's lucky I didn't tell him my ticket was more expensive than his kids so yeah, I get the best views. Which I have said to someone before who tried to bully me out of the way...

And I'm not a monster. I will let a child in front of me if there is room to see over them, but if it's a case where you are looking low or if they stand in front of you, you lose your view, I won't. I also won't be pushed out of the way by a kid. A lot of them just run right up to you and shove. I'm pretty solidly rooted. I won't push back, but I don't move. And I usually say something. 

We always made Katie wait politely. And I would body her into spaces if other kids were being overly pushy and jumping ahead of her to see things. Teach your kids that sometimes you have to wait. And that some adults are assholes. I'm really out there giving life lessons. 

And if your kid is really polite and waits their turn and isn't a shovey little bastard...I will point out where the sloth is hiding. Or where the best viewing for the baby orangutan is. Or how if you put your hand on the glass the chimpanzee will put theirs on the other side. 

OH! And I'll never tell them that a chimpanzee will rip your face off. That was one woman and her family today. The kids were like 6 down to 2 and she was busy talking about how chimps will rip your face off because they are so mean and so strong; while there were three of them on the other side of the glass. Which is super strong glass, but at 6 do you realize that? The nightmares those kids have should be interesting. And the start of a lifelong fear of primates. Don't tell kids that the chimpanzee can rip off their face. I mean it's true, but don't tell them that. 

So here we go with July. Facebook break. Zoo day. No face ripping chimpanzees. Good start. 

Do You Really Want to Eat That?

One of the things I've actually kept from growing up in the church is the mindset to be careful what you consume. Not foodwise so much, but media and influences. Though you are what you eat does work here. 

Be careful what you consume lest it consume you. 

The church was trying to keep us away from things like secular music and books, but it's actually good advice. Just make sure you are the one choosing, not some patriarchal organization that wants to limit your knowledge so they can control you. 

Be mindful of what you are watching, who you are listening to, what media you consume.

There are a ton of studies out there that talk about how if you hear something multiple times you start to believe it. Or at least start to think, well there must be something there. Our minds really like short cuts. And hearing things over and over turns that bit into a yeah, I know this. 

So be careful what and who you are listening to.

Brent and I get recommended TV shows all the time that we end up watching an episode or two and then stop. Sometimes we will get all the way to the end of the first season because everyone SWEARS it's great. But it's not great. Not for us. Our number one reason for not watching a show is that we don't like the characters. Like not that they are poorly acted, or the writing is bad, usually just the opposite. Really talented acting, really good writing, of really unlikable people. If there is nothing redeeming there, we don't watch. Both of us believe if we wouldn't be able to tolerate you in real life, we don't want to spend our entertainment time on you either. 

That's not to say we don't watch things with bad guys, or anti heroes, we both loved Breaking Bad and Better Call Saul. But there was something else there aside from just bad behavior by unpleasant people. Like you felt for Jesse. You wanted him to come to his senses. You watched Saul knowing it was a villain origin story. But White Lotus? Watch rich people out asshole each other? We made it all the way through the first season and I tried two episodes of season two because people SWORE it was so much better. But yuck. I don't want to be around any of them. 

There is a whole kerfuffle right now happening in the world of the BookTok Girlies. There is a group of them who are lusting after an actual murderer. They've read so many books with toxic male leads that were turned around by the love of a good woman that they think real life is the same. It's not. I'd say to ask the women he murdered, but you know, he murdered them. Those girlies consumed way too much of the wrong kind of media. I get that it's just pretend, and it's just fiction, but they still filed it away in their brains as a thing that could happen. They could totally change the man with the swastika tattooed on his face into a good guy who only kills people who bother you like a good book boyfriend would.

I had a friend on Facebook that I had to drop off of my list. No matter how many ways I tried to get Facebook to stop showing me what he commented on it would show up in my feed. And he liked to go to the groups with the worst type of people and comment on their posts. He wasn't agreeing with them, he was seeking out the arguments. He enjoyed that. But what would happen is he would comment and it would show up in my feed. It was like having feces thrown at me when I logged on to Facebook. I do not want the shit on my feed. I don't like seeing that there are people out there in the world who think that way, who believe just awful things. But they are there and since he would comment it would show up on my feed. And since I'm not about to tell him what he can and cannot do in his free time I cut him off my list so I didn't have to see it anymore.

Politics. Oh my god...Did you know Joe Biden is old? I did. It's why I didn't watch the debate. I already know Biden is old and I already know Trump is incapable of telling the truth, and also old. One of those things really bothers me. One isn't ideal and I wish there was a younger viable candidate, but there isn't, this is what we have to choose from, and honestly Biden's done a decent job in his first term. So I didn't watch the debate. And I've tried really hard not to read much about it. 

I checked with two different sources that I trust. One who I knew would put it all in perspective and one who would vent his spleen about it but not panic. The rest is just noise at this point. 

I could spend the day reading opinion piece after opinion piece about how Biden being old is the worst thing in the world while they ignore the completely bat shit things Trump said. Or the fact that at no point in the debate was Trump asked about Project 2025 which he should have been. Like a lot of pointed and direct questions about what is in there. But he wasn't. Because the media is not your friend. They don't want answers, they want sensationalism. They want you terrified and tuning in every night to get that hit of fear. 

Don't give them your fear. Find a few sources that you trust and check in with them. But don't just consume all of it like drinking from a fire hose. It's just not good for you. 

And speaking of not good for you...

It's time for me to take another little breather from Facebook. My almost annual break at this point. Dry July in a different form? Like save me from drowning in bullshit dry?

It will sort of look like I'm there, because my pictures cross post from Instagram, and when I post a blog I'll link to my Totally Random Page but I won't really be there. 

If you need me, or even just want a quick chat, messenger still works even when I'm not logging on to Facebook. And of course if you comment on Instagram I'll see it. And if you comment on the Totally Random Page I'll see it the next time I post a blog. So I'm not going to be totally gone, but I need a break. 

Be careful what you consume lest it consume you. 

I'm feeling a little like the negative political landscape is consuming me right now. I don't just mean the horrific things our Supreme Court is deciding right now (It's legal to take bribes as long as you call them gratuity and get them after you grant the favor {you know, like a tip for good service} and it's illegal to sleep on the street even if all of the shelter beds are full, basically it's not a crime to be a corrupt politician but it is a crime to be poor oh and they turned over another 50+ year precedent and made the judicial system the grand high rulers of interpreting everything right after legalizing bribes...so you know, yay...) So even though that's a lot. It's more the constant onslaught in statuses and news posts and just the bullshit people are saying. 

And I don't even feel that badly about it this year. The whole internal debate of if I should or if I shouldn't that I normally struggle with. One of the things I found out when researching the ADD brain is how hard moderation is. The ADD brain is more likely to work like a switch than a slider. It's on or off for behaviors. For a long time I've struggle with the idea of just doing less with things, but my comfort zone is I'm either full on or full off. To quote the great rock band Guns N' Roses "I used to do a little but a little wouldn't do it so the little got more and more" That's my head. I can try to do a little but then an hour will have passed and I will have been absentmindedly scrolling along reading everything. It's the same reason I don't have Candy Crush or other little fun phone games on my phone. I will play them to the detriment of everything else.  

So it's time for a break. 

I also know it won't lead to me dropping Facebook, it never does, but it does reset my usage and for a while when I start again I won't be on as much, because there will be new habits. For awhile until it all creeps back up to too much, until next year when I start it all over again. 

But that's July. So you'll see me everywhere over the weekend and then your feeds will get a lot quieter for a bit. 

Which might give you time to decide if what you are consuming is good for you or not. 

I hope to see you when I get back, if not I'll totally understand. (imagine a cheesy grin here, of course I think I'M good for you!)

To Market...To Market...

"I don't think there is a market for it."

"You know you can't write for a market. You have to write what you want and if there is a market for it, great, but if not you just write the next thing. Writing has to be done because you can't not write."

"That's great. I mean really. Good strong advice. If I want to work in an office for the rest of my life and write in the fifteen minutes I have free daily. If I want to make a living as a writer I need to write for a market."

"No, I'm saying you can't do that. Sure, yeah, to make a living you need to sell, but you can't write with that mindset. Your work will be, what is the word I'm looking for? Uninspired. Formulaic. Dull..."

"Profitable. There are reasons there are tropes. People like their work to fall into genres and to hit all the expected beats. I need to write something for them."

"Then I guess watch a lot of BookTok and write what they are reading."

"No. Once it's with the BookTok Girlies it's already saturated. And I don't think I want to write about how toxic men are really fun and cool as long as they are in books and there's no harm to it if they're fiction but come on, in ten or twenty years we are going to look back at this and say, what the fuck? Like seriously what the fuck? Why did everyone get on board with a bunch of fiction telling women to date the embodiment of human red flags who then change into werewolves and get even MORE violent and possessive?"

"Okay...so tell me how you really feel."

"Sorry. It's just not for me. How is that? That's better right. But that's my problem. I want to write something that will sell, but a lot of what sell is just not for me."

"And that's my point. You cannot write something that isn't for you. It will be terrible. If you don't like it, how are you going to write something that someone else will like?"

"But there's no market for sweet, dull people just living their best lives at the Farmer's Market."

"Well you could put in a little drama, right? Or you could channel it all into like Hallmark Christmas movies type stuff. Sweet, dull people reuniting at the Farmer's Market after dating toxic red flags? Maybe there will be an exodus of BookTok Girlies wanting to detox? You could be leading edge."

"Books to detox with. A new genre."

"Oh! Real Fiction. You could write fiction that feels real. But better. Like there is never a what did you just say about January 6th moment. Or no need to find out what their stance is on human rights because everyone in your book universe is decent."

"I think Schitt's Creek already did that, didn't they? Like wasn't that what he said he wanted, was a world where everyone was just decent and then he dropped their family into it?"

"Is that what it was? Oh. Okay, that makes sense. But see? There was a market for it! And Ted Lasso too! Like the decent people were the heroes. And even the drama wasn't all that dramatic. Write books like those TV shows."

"So my market is for people who unapologetically love drama free, boring people."

"Buying vegetables at the Farmer's Market."

"So that's who then? You and me, but I'll give you a copy for free so..."

"We'll figure it out. I'm telling you. Write what you want and the market will come later."

"So did you want to go to the Farmer's Market with me tomorrow?"

"What? No. How fucking boring would that be..."

Label It...

I promise I'll write about something else soon. I'm just processing all of this and one of the ways I process is by writing. 

When I got back from the doctor's office on Monday and told Brent about the ADD diagnosis he asked if having a label made me feel better. And I said it did. It made me feel like I wasn't making things up. Like it really is a challenge for me to do certain things. That even though it rarely looks like a struggle to the outside world, it is a struggle and that's okay because now I have this label that says struggling is normal.

And it's also weird. And part of why he asked, I'm sure. In the past I have railed against labels. I think we tend to do too much labeling and boxing ourselves in and others out with them. I've always chafed against a label. Don't try and define me. 

But then something switched and I found out that I actually like my labels. 

Or maybe I just like the ones I agree with, or make sense to me, or makes sense of something about me. 

I mean I've always had labels. We all define ourselves in a lot of ways. But the challenge happens when we think that label means the same thing to everyone as it does to us. 

I'm left handed. That's easy enough. It's a straightforward label. Though I'm also ambidextrous in a variety of things. A lot of left handed people are. We don't have the option to be fully left handed like right handed people do. The world is designed for the righties so you figure out what you can do with your right hand and do that. If you are left handed and I say, I'm left handed, you understand that this means I prefer to use my left hand but I use my right as well. If you are right handed you are shocked when you then see me use right handed scissors, or bowl with my right hand, or throw a ball with my right hand. 

I'm a wife and a mother. What does that mean to you when you hear it? Do you just think, okay, married and has at least one child. Or do you get a picture of June Cleaver in your head? Or Peg Bundy? I mean both wives and mothers but totally different pictures. The label fits both of them, but the contents may vary.

Then we get into other even more complicated labels. 

I'm bisexual. I've talked about how I didn't use that label for a long time because I'm in a hetero relationship that I've been in since I was a teenager. I didn't date women before I got married because I got married at 18. I always felt like no struggle no parade. But years of talking to people about bi erasure and fighting for visibility and your current partner does not change who you are attracted to and I thought..okay, yeah. It's important for me to actually say, I'm bisexual. To stand in full visibility during times when people are trying to shove other members of the community back in the closet. I'm obviously an ally as well, but I'm not just an ally to the LGTQIA2S+ I'm the B. And as I've always known I am that B I will be sure to use the label. 

I'm bipolar. This one is a scarier one to use. I don't even think I told Brent right away when my doctor said, Yeah, this is you, but it's mild so I wouldn't worry about it. I took the it's mild don't worry about it and just tucked it away for years and years. And I prefer manic depressive over bipolar. Because it's not a two points on the pole thing. It's a pendulum swing for me. Most of the time I swing in the middle. A little flash of manic here, a little slower and depressed there. But never so manic that I cause huge issues or so depressed that I can't function. It's a gentle swing. And one I manage with exercise and diet. Which is what my doctor really meant when she said don't worry about it, that I was managing it and could continue to manage it that way. If there came a time I was unable to manage it then we would talk medication. That time hasn't come yet. And most people have no idea I'm bipolar. And I would imagine I could go back to a doctor now for a diagnosis and not get the same one. And I even wonder now if the bipolar diagnosis was actually a missed diagnosis for ADD with a touch of depression. And that I'm actually managing the depression part and the manic is just a reflection of the split attention from ADD. It's an interesting thing to think about. But for now I'll stick with manic depression as the label.

And then add ADD. I definitely don't have ADHD. My hyperactivity is limited to my brain. With a little bit of fidgeting. But this will be another one that will be invisible to most people. And it will depend on what you think of when you hear ADD. Do I fit that mold for you? I would not have thought so even just last year. My own personal view of it is someone who has a hard time concentrating and sitting still and is probably messy and unorganized. That was my box I had built for everyone else. But it turns out that it's a little more complicated than that. I can concentrate, but I am also easily distracted. I'm the queen of random connections. And rabbit holes. And odd bits of knowledge that I've picked up over the years from those moments of distraction and following rabbits. A lot of what I do to keep myself on task I found out are the things that a counselor will try and teach you to do to help keep yourself on track. Along with the obsessive nature of interests. Like I think I've mentioned I cannot keep games on my phone like Candy Crush, I will play for literal hours. I get locked in and just drop everything else. It's also why I periodically drop Facebook posting. I get too focused on it to the detriment of other things and moderation isn't a strong suit. Which is a trait for people with ADD and ADHD. With the suggestion of don't have things around you that you can't moderate. Like phone games. I've spent so much time figuring out what works for me that I figured it out without the label. So do I need the label? Well no. But then again yes. The label says to me that all of this stuff is valid. 

All of my silly little goals and gold stars and tasks and checklists and schedules. That they aren't actually all that silly after all. That all of the people who have discounted them over the years I was right when I told them to fuck off and mind their business. I like being right. Almost as much as I like telling people to fuck off. 

Kidding. 

Sort of. 

I mean, I've had a ton of people give me shit about being an adult motivated by stars and rewards. Like there was a magic age that I was supposed to reach where I could just be self motivated and not even need a checklist. But I did need those things. I do need those things. Every time I try to go without, to just be an adult and do stuff, things start to fall apart. Things don't get done, or don't get done in a timely manner. I start to just drift. I figured it out, sure, I found what works for me, absolutely. But it's nice to know that there was a reason why I need these systems and guard rails. There's nothing wrong with me, but there is something different in the way my brain is wired. 

So the labels help. Even the ones that don't get shared very often. Or discussed in most company. I have those labels like tabs in a notebook. Turn to the section on manic depression and understand why I have not moved from the couch today, or conversely why I haven't sat down today. Turn to the section on ADD and pull up the checklist for things that need to be done this week. Turn to the section on bisexuality and understand why Brent gets nervous if Charlize Theron is filming in Portland. And right now turn to the section on Thyroid function and feel better about the extra weight that just showed up a few months ago and you can't seem to budge. (See just stop weighing in as an ADD response to the negative reaction)

We all end up with labels. And I think we get to pick and choose which ones are helpful to us and which ones we ignore. And YOU get to do the choosing. The labels other people apply to you? Those aren't your burden. I mean I know that there are a lot of people I've crossed paths with that have a lot of unflattering labels for me. And for the most part they aren't labels I attach to myself. Or if I do attach them, I don't view them as negative. Sure I'm the B in LGBT but I'm also the B that will stand up for the underdogs and step in with a fuck off when it's needed. Different B words. Neither one that I view as negative. 

I'm still figuring out what the ADD label will mean to me other than just a bit of relief. And I will write more about it as I'm figuring it out. 

Which means another step closer to that writing goal. Boom!

Oh One More Part!

Part of the screening for ADD/ADHD that my doctor did was a blood panel. Checked my vitamin B levels, my general WBC/RBC and some other blood components counts, and my thyroid. Any of those things being off can cause concentration issues. 

And ta da! I have subclinical hypothyroidism. Which can either mean I'm on the way to hypothyroidism which I will need to medicate. Or it will resolve itself within a few months and go back to fine. So we will retest at my normal August check up and see where I stand then. 

The normal side effects are high blood pressure, weight gain, tiredness, trouble concentrating, and constipation. Or basically all of the side effects of being over 55 as well. Or at least a lot of the same ones. 

The funny thing, odd thing, now makes sense thing, is that last week when she took my vitals my blood pressure was high. My blood pressure is never high. It's almost comically low most of the time. I wrote it off to standing up right before she took it and also being super uncomfortable talking about possibly having ADD. Then yesterday they took my blood pressure at the dentist and it was high again. And that was before she starting the cleaning. Which if it had been after I wouldn't have been shocked. It was a brutal cleaning.

But I thought, well, they do the weird wrist measurement and I had just walked in so maybe it wasn't resting levels?

But it looks like it's a side effect of the SH. 

The scary side effects are higher potential for heart attacks, congestive heart failure and stroke. So yeah, I'll be keeping an eye on it. 

But when the levels came back high I did think, are you fucking kidding me? Every single thing in my life comes with weight gain as a side effect. Menopause: one of the most common thing that happens is weight gain. Estrogen to mitigate the other side effects from menopause: the side effect is weight gain. Aging in general: weight gain. And now I get a thyroid that is if not giving up the ghost at least taking a little rest break. 

It's not helping my trying to not focus on my weight thing I can tell you that much. 

And now here is where I admit that if the medication would make me lose this extra 6 pounds that I've gained this year FOR NO REASON (oh wait, maybe there is a reason) then I'd like to just start it now. I'm at the point where I'm looking at my closet and wondering how many things I'm going to have to get rid of because they just don't fit anymore. 

It's also a big draw for the Ritalin. That is the one medication that's been on my potential list that doesn't have weight gain as a side effect. It has potential weight loss. But not for everyone. Which is the potential part. And you just know if I do decide to use it I will be in the portion that does not get that side effect but the increased appetite side effect which as you know leads to weight gain... Good thing if I do decide to take it, it won't be for the potential weight loss.

So for right now I wait and tell myself that this extra bump of weight is probably due to the thyroid either crapping out or at least taking a nap and that in a few months I'll be able to hopefully drop some of it. 

If not I guess I will have a closet full of clothes for anyone who wants them?

Ugh...