Picture this...

So imagine the scene...It's like a grown up monkey bars play-structure thing. There are climbing areas and hiding coves all made out of PVC pipes and plywood. The front of it is open so people can see what is happening. And what is happening is brutal. It's a fight, like a gladiator Mad Max cross. You can have whatever weapon you want, but only one. You can enlist people to help you. If you have a gang they can fight with you. They could be injured or killed. But if you win you can share your prize pot with them. Though how much you share is really up to you.

I am one of the fighters. I'm fighting solo. The guy I'm going against has helpers. Right now he is back in one of the coves and two of his helpers are blocking the way to him by laying across the entry. I am poking at them trying to get them out of the way. I have as my weapon of choice what looks like a pocket or Bowie knife. I'm holding the handle and it's about a 3 inch blade at most. Super sharp. And I'm slashing at these guys trying to get them to move.

There is an announcer's voice that booms out over the crowd, "Remember, there will be only one winner here. And you can use whatever tools or people you need to to..." and right at that point through the two helper's bodies comes a drill bit. It's about a thick as a softball. And it's just chewing through them coming at me. My opponent has a giant drill and I am fighting him with a tiny little knife? What the hell was I thinking? But while he is drilling through his friends, what the hell were they thinking, I take it as an opportunity to try and work around the sides to get to him and slice him up.

And yeah, that was one dream from last night here is another.

I'm walking through a desert type waste land and there is a box on the ground next to what looks like a USB stick. The box says that it's a quick charge battery. The person I'm walking with wants me to use the stick, who knows when we will be near a power source again and we should take the chance to recharge. I tell him what a bad idea it is to just plug in a random USB stick, it could be infected with a virus.  As I'm arguing with him in my dream my non-dreaming part is realizing that we (we the people in the dream) are running on rechargeable batteries. Woah...I wake up and repeat that to myself a few times before I go back to sleep so I don't forget it. Rechargeable batteries! Somehow at 2 AM I thought that would be a great story idea...yeah...

Another part of the dreamscape last night was a buffet. There was something to do with family tables and inheritance and not being able to leave and come back...odd...and then it led in to the dream I started with. So I was well fed before going off to play gladiator games at least.

This is what I face when I sleep. Really realistic dreams that can be incredibly odd. And when I wake from them part of me starts in on could that be a story? Sometimes the answer is yes, that could totally be a story and sometimes no, that is not a story, that is a freak show. The fight dream could totally be a story, just not one of mine. I don't write that sort of thing, but it could be in a movie, probably Quentin Tarantino, it's a little violent you know...

The rechargeable battery people thing could as well. Maybe a story about androids taking over the world, or people have finally died off but we figured out how to download our consciousness in to android bodies and they are now running things but because they have our consciousness they are still fighting and waging war even though they aren't human. But again, not my thing. I would get bored with the world building too quickly to move through it. But I could see it being a story.

The part about the buffet? No way...too weird...

Back that up...

So I had an awful nightmare last night. Terrible. Scary, awful stuff. And as I often do in nightmares I changed it. Lucid dreaming. When you are aware that you are dreaming and change the dream. I do it a lot in nightmares. As most of you know I have extremely vivid dreams. Lots of details, very realistic. Which is great when it's a cool dream, awful when it's a nightmare. And I have some doozy nightmares. So years ago I started trying to be aware of dreams when I was in them and change them. Sometimes I can, sometimes I can't. Depends how deeply I'm asleep, I think. The deeper the better really. If it's a lighter sleep I think I wake up before I can shift the dream, if it's deeper I can have that moment of realization that it's all a dream and start to shift the dream.

What normally happens is like last night, I took an awful dream and made it less awful. I sort of backed up the dream to the spot where it all went terribly bad and started over. It was still a nightmare and it wasn't great, but at least I shifted the worst part away and changed that outcome. I haven't quite yet figured out how to take a nightmare and just make it a good dream. It's like the bad part leaves a shadow that doesn't quite go away. But it's better.

So after I woke up from the dream I thought what a great skill that would be in real life. You are having just an awful day and you stop and think, nope, this is not how this is going to go, let's back up and start again. And then you shift a few things. The coffee doesn't spill. The shirt doesn't rip. The accident never happens. The day might still not be great, but at least it wouldn't be awful right?

Except, of course, there are those times where you are having a spectacular day and you run in to someone who is having a terrible day. If they restarted their day would it screw up yours? Would you be in the middle of an excellent day and have it start again and have things subtly shift so it wasn't nearly as great? Still a good day, but the ripple of change would make it less than excellent.

And would we ever get out of a day? I mean there is always someone who would want to shift and restart just to make it better, or perfect, or just to fuck with someone else. What would the rules be? Or would it be like lucid dreaming? Some people can do it and some people can't. And some people are like me and can change certain things but not others while other people could create something entirely new out of whole cloth?

How many times in one day could you back up and start again? And would you need permission from everyone involved? Like in my dream I just backed up the dream. The people in the dream had no say because they weren't real. But if you could actually do it? The people would have their own days going as well and might not take too kindly to you backing it up while they were trying to move forward. And if you had to have everyone in the area agree to back up and start again how long would it take to reach the agreement?

And as I thought about all of these things I realized...this is why I have insomnia.

Sleepy seminar...

So today I listened to that seminar I was going to listen to yesterday. You know the one I was too tired to pay attention to. The one about sleep disorders? Okay, so yeah, that was today.

And it was interesting. I actually picked up a couple of tidbits that I didn't know before about insomnia and treatments. Which is really great because if there is something I tend to know a lot about it's insomnia. I may have even written about my own insomnia once or twice or so.

So anyway when this seminar came across my email I went ahead and signed up just to see what new information there might be as well as causes and treatment options. And here are a few things I learned.

Did you know most of the testing for sleep aids is done on people who normally are classified as good sleepers? So when they are looking at improvements they are saying, we took a good sleeper and made them an excellent one! Go us!

Child, please. Tell me what you can do for an insomniac. If you can dent that case then we will talk.

And I also learned that I had already figured out a few things on my own that they have now done studies on.

The fact that sleep aids might work for me once but then not again. That's fairly typical with chronic insomnia. The belief I have that I function better than most people do with less sleep. Yep. That's also true. Which makes sense on both parts. If you are wired to have chronic insomnia, not situation caused or transient insomnia, you are designed to sleep less so you function better with less sleep. It takes really bad sleep for someone with chronic insomnia to show the signs of sleep deprivation that someone classified as a good sleeper would show with just one or two hours less sleep than normal. Which I thought was really interesting. I've always felt it to be true, but it was nice to see the studies prove it out.

But here is my big secret. I've been sleeping really well for a really long time. Not perfectly. I still get a bout or two of terrible sleep here and there but for the most part I've been consistent in getting quality sleep. I haven't really said a lot about it because (and this was mentioned in the seminar today as well which made me laugh) I tend to be a bit superstitious about my sleep. If x,y and z worked then I will do x,y and z. And I will keep it a secret that they are working so when they stop I won't have to say anything. And it's also part of why I was pushing off watching this seminar. Right now it's all working. I didn't want to do anything to mess it up.

So what have I done differently? Ready? I talked about it last year and worked on it all this past year. I accepted the fact that I am what I am and that's just fine. I went back to before I realized that other people sleep more than I do, back before I found out I had a "problem" and I thought about it. Did I feel like I was suffering? Only sometimes. When I was bored. When my sister would yell at me to go to sleep and I wasn't able to. But for the most part I just slept the amount I sleep and was awake the amount I am awake. Done and done.

I've also stopped thinking there is something wrong with me that I am a morning person. Like solidly a morning person. Don't want to stay up late. No urge. When Brent was out to sea and I was left to my own devices I actually went to sleep around 8 or 8:30 and woke up around 4. That gave me a couple of hours in the morning to finish homework or just read before heading to my first class at 7:30. Which was great. I always signed up for early classes. I was done with school by noon or one and never had to fight for parking. The one semester that I had to take a night class, serious night class it didn't get out until 10:30 I thought I would die. And consequently got my worst grade in that class as well. I'm just not an owl.

Now I go to bed around 10. It's a good compromise. I don't want to go to bed at 8 and miss out on family time. But I don't want to stay up until 1 or 2 with C either. Same way he doesn't particularly want to sleep past 10 or so but has no urge to actually wake up around 6 when Brent's alarm goes off. Let's not even talk about the fact that I've usually already been awake for awhile by that point...

I also read before bed on nights that I'm not sleepy right away. Screw the studies that say only sleep and sex in the bed. I need that time to disengage from the day. To shut down. To drift off. Reading helps quiet my head. So I read. Not for long usually. A half hour or so maybe. Then the book gets set down and I drift off. Usually asleep before 11 now. Which is excellent. I sleep soundly the first chunk then wake for awhile before doing my cat nap till morning routine. And it all works for me.

Except when it doesn't.

But here is the big lesson that is working for me right now and that I have a lot of confidence in it working for a long time. Even when sleep doesn't happen I don't freak out about it. I know that if I have a bad night, or two or even three it will settle back out again and I will get back to my little routine. That even the terrible stretches of insomnia are just the way I am wired. And that's fine. And that's made a big difference. Because stressing about not sleeping is the best possible way to ensure you won't sleep.

Which of course lends itself to a lot of life lessons.

Stop stressing about what you aren't.
Make sure you are grateful for what you are.
Notice what works.
Understand that you don't have to be like everyone else, you just have to be you.
And do what works for you not what people tell you that you have to do to be like them.

Ahhhh......sleep.

Yawn...

Late night last night with an early morning wake up call has left me not quite awake all day.

The funny thing is today I was going to listen to an IBP seminar I have on sleep disorders.

I need to listen to it before it expires in two days. I've had access to it for weeks and just haven't carved out the 6 hours I need to get it done.

Which is so dumb.

When I go to the seminars it's a full day. I drop Brent off, I go to the seminar, I leave there in time to pick Brent up. Full day chunked out. This time I registered for one of their web-based ones. I could have listened "live" but I had PT that day so figured I would just pick it up later. And then later got later. And then even later. And now I have two days before it expires.

And it's on sleep issues which is sort of important to me.

But I didn't listen today because I was too tired.

Which totally makes sense.

If you are me.

In Defense of...

Too many TV shows about serial killers. Too many books about the post apocalyptic world. Too many nights in a row with interrupted sleep. Late in the season of one of the worst casts of Big Brother ever. Giant storm. These are the things I am pinning last night's weird dream and middle of the night mind zoom on.

What would you do if you had to defend your life every year? If you had to stand in front of a judge, who by the way had video tape evidence, and take the blame or credit for all of your actions? And if you didn't pass, if you couldn't justify your existence then you stopped. Stopped existing. Someone else got your shot.

The dream was very much like the movie Defending Your Life, but instead of an afterlife courtroom where you had to show you were courageous in your time on Earth, it was a yearly review where you had to show that you were worthy of the resources you are taking up.

Now we all know I am prone to more than my fair share of navel gazing. But this dream was even beyond for me. Can you imagine having to justify yourself every year? Not just what you did but that you did enough to keep going. And years go by quickly. I'm looking at September right now and my list of "Things to Do This Summer" got tossed out because I realized that I wasn't To Doing any of them and had no urge to start! (not entirely fair, some of the things got done, some got shifted as the debate on To Move or Not to Move was re-opened). I have things that I talked about at Christmastime that I wanted to start that I haven't done anything towards doing. Hell, I have things I have talked about for years, literally years, that I haven't done anything towards. And it blows my mind each time how fast the time goes by and I still haven't done them.

We all also know that the past few years I have been adrift. I don't have to work right now. Brent makes enough that we are fine. Yes, extra money is always good but we are at that tipping point where taking a job could hurt as much as help. Taxes, extra car and all of those related expenses, grown up wardrobe, convenience items. All of that stuff that you add up to see if the money really ends up being extra or not. As Brent put it last spring, "If you go to work again you just need to make sure it's a cash neutral position at the worst." But the bigger issue is I have no idea what I would want to do if I did go back to work.

The smaller part time jobs that are out there I've done before. I've done fast food, slow food, retail. Shopping this weekend I saw Macy's was hiring and I thought about it. A discount on clothes, hmm...not bad at all. But what are the odds that they will take me on when I say I only want to work during the day during the week. And honestly Christmas in retail is one of the circles of hell, do I want to do that again? I also clawed my way off the sales floor and in to the back office when I was doing retail. How would it feel to go back and do it again? How about food? The person in front of me in line who doesn't know that a Venti isn't a medium and wants to have a lengthy discussion about caramel drizzle drives me nuts, can I make the brain shift to helping them instead of being bothered by them? Didn't I view retail as the escape hatch from food services?

I don't want to do advertising anymore, and honestly I've been out of it for so long that I would have a hard time getting hired again anyway. But my second go round showed me that it wasn't just the agency but the whole job I was really over. Why would I want to go back? Bookkeeping is the same way. It's easy for me. It's something I can do without breaking a sweat. Handling someone's a/r and a/p accounts. But do I want to? And since I am in a position where I don't have to....

And that brings me back to the dream last night. I was sitting at my desk waiting for the judge to come in reviewing past years' files. The years I was growing up were all stamped with "POTENTIAL" and passed. The years I was home raising C were very thin, not a lot of back up documents, just a few pictures of me and the baby, stamped with "IMPORTANT" and passed. The years following that were thicker, but basically the same sorts of things. I was raising C. I was working to keep the family solvent. Almost automatic passes, from what I would see. Then the files got thicker. More pro and con statements mistakes highlighted with notes for corrective actions, but still passed. And as I sat there with my current year in front of me the best I could come up with for my defense was "I didn't mess it up." Yep, basically all I could come up with for the defense of my year was I could have done worse. Then the thunder boomed and the storm woke me up. Thank goodness, because I'm not sure that dream was going to end well!

But of course as the storm kicked in to high gear and there was no real going back to sleep I started thinking, how would I defend my year? What would I say made what I was doing worth justifying? I'm still a good mom, but what C needs from his dad and me now isn't really a lot. We did our jobs. At this point we are advisers and a hotel. The framework is all there and now he's building his own house. So I can't really say, well my last year was worth it because I was a good mom.

How about good wife? Good homemaker? Brent and I have this discussion probably more than he cares to. I keep the house running so he doesn't have to worry about it and he views that as a worthwhile use of my time. But I view it as something I did when I worked as well. Yes, he was expected to pitch in more when we were both working but at the times he was working more hours I did more house stuff. In Colorado we both worked but he worked insane hours and went to school while I worked limited hours. So the house was mine. I've done both. And is it fair that the entire financial burden of our family rests on his shoulders? And does that matter? Would he work less if I worked more? Knowing his personality I can't say that he would. So would it just be that both of us working would not really be a good thing? Because what would we be working for at that point? Less time together but at least we have more money in the bank. Does that even make sense?

So maybe I just need to do more around the house. Instead of keeping it clean(ish) and keeping us fed (restaurants totally count), maybe if the house is Aunt Jeanie clean and the meals are scratch masterpieces I would feel like I was DOING something. Or I wouldn't.  Haven't we been here before? I want to cook more...I just hate to plan meals. So what would make this different? I'm sure that was in my file in the dream. Probably a faded xerox copy they just kept pulling and putting in the new year file. "Cook More, Write More, Find Life's Purpose"

It's odd for me. I watch friends send their kids off to college and I see a lot of moms go through the panic of Now what?? They have spent their lives defining themselves by being "The Mom." So now that the kids are gone what are they? I don't have that problem because I didn't define myself by being "The Mom" or by being "The Wife".  But I don't have any definition at all. I am me. I do a little of this, I do a little of that. But is it enough? If I had to justify myself would it be enough? I've always faced the Now what?? Just the past few years I haven't had an answer.

Now here is where the depressing blog takes a little bit of a turn. Maybe it's not up to me to decide if it's enough. Maybe that was really the point of the dream. The judge position. I was waiting for the judge to come in. Who was it? My early files were all marked with POTENTIAL and passed.  Who stressed my potential so much that it is as much part of me as my name? My parents. The files where I was a stay at home mom were marked IMPORTANT who judged that? Brent and I did. We both felt that since we could afford it when he was a baby it was IMPORTANT to do it. And so I did. The thicker files from working and raising C and being the wife and the rest, those were fuller because it was harder during those years. We struggled with finances, with parental patience, with having enough hours in the day to get it all done but it was all worth it. Who is the judge on if I did a good job during those years keeping it all together? Well I would say that it's C and Brent. And since C seems to be doing fine and Brent is still sticking around voluntarily I'm taking that as a good sign.

So if I had stayed asleep longer who would have been the judge? Would it have been C? Or my mother? Or Brent? Or would it have been me? And what would the questions have been? What is the measure that I should be taking to see if I can justify myself?

And do we really need to justify ourselves at all?

Or do I just need to get some more sleep?

Who needs sleep?

As most of you know I don't sleep like a normal person. Though I have discovered that most people don't sleep like normal people. In fact I am not even sure where the idea of normal sleep came from since I have yet to meet someone who always gets those 8 hours a night from 11-7 or 10-6 or what ever.  Anyway...I don't. Never have.

I have chronic insomnia. It manifests itself in a few different ways. A good night's sleep for me means a nice solid block of uninterrupted sleep. Like 3 or 4 hours. Then catnapping for a couple more. That is perfection. The only time I get more is if I am sick or drugged and neither of those is good so I will stick with the good solid block plus some extra. But most nights it's not like that.

There are the nights where I have what I think most people are familiar with as far as sleepless nights go. The nights where you just can't shut down and go to sleep. We call this busy brain in my house. You just can't stop thinking about everything long enough to get some sleep. Work stress, home stress, money stress, not sleeping stress all of these things make it worse. For me I don't have to be stressed for it to happen. Just sometimes I can't get things shut down. That's when I try using meditation techniques. Slowing down my breathing. Focusing on relaxing each body part in sequence. Just laying still. Sometimes it works to at least help me relax, sometimes it doesn't.

Then there is hormonal insomnia. Some women get insomnia as an added gift in their package of PMS symptoms. I am one of those. Sleep just isn't going to happen some months. Not tired, not a bit. I rest those nights and try not to think about the fact that it could last as many as three days before I get a really good night's sleep. And you wonder why some women are cranky and emotional around their periods? You try going without sleep for a few days and see how you do.

And then there is just not sleeping. Brain isn't particularly busy. Hormones aren't raging. I'm just not sleeping. Or I am doing the patchy sleep thing. Cat napping all night instead of a nice solid block. I used to say I'm not a good sleeper. I am trying to change that dialog in my head to I just sleep differently than most people. Since I've always been this way then it's probably fine. Though it's hard to maintain that thought when you read all of the articles about how bad sleep deprivation is for you.

So what do I do about it? I have tried a myriad of sleep aids. Natural non-habit forming aids. I don't take prescription sleeping pills because the side effects are not something I want to deal with. When I was younger I was a sleep walker and a sleep eater without the drugs, I can't imagine taking a pill that can bring that on on purpose! I've tried self-hypnosis. HGC pills. Melatonin. Valerian Root. Chamomile Tea. Peppermint Tea. Yoga. Getting up. Staying in bed. No TV. No books. TV. Books. Tracking my sleep on my phone with an app. Laughing at the results.

A friend of mine started using the UP tracker by Jawbone and I have thought about that. What it does is tell you when you are and are not sleeping and if it's a light or a deep sleep. For him it was good because it showed him that times that he thought he wasn't sleeping he really was in a light sleep. By tracking he has been able to get in to that deep sleep area more frequently. What I am afraid of is that I have done this no sleep thing for years so I've learned to keep very still when I am in bed. I don't want to toss and turn and keep Brent awake. And I know if I lay still and calm it's almost as restful as sleeping. So will the UP register that as sleep or will it be able to tell that I'm not really asleep? And if I am aware that lying still makes it think I'm sleeping will I start shaking my arm every once in awhile just to let it know I'm awake? Yes, I really do think like this. Welcome to busy brain.

I don't get up when I am not sleeping, even though you will read over and over that you should, because if I do it's game over. I know as soon as I get up the night is through. If I go to the living-room and read I will read all night. If I log on to the computer I will find friends in Australia to talk to. If I turn on the TV I will watch cheesy movies or infomercials until everyone else gets up. And I will be exhausted the next day. So I lay in bed. And most of the time it works out fine. It's only bad when I reach a few days in a row with truly lousy sleep that I get desperate for a solution. That and when I read articles linking insomnia to dementia, obesity and early death.

But if I slept like a normal person then you would miss out on gems like this one...

Last night in the middle of the night some noise outside woke Brent and I up, not completely for him, just drug him out of the deep sleep he was in and in to a light then back to that deep sleep. For me I was awake. So anyway, as we both came up out of sleep we rolled over. I had been laying on my side facing the window, he was on his back. When we were coming out of the sleep I rolled to my back and he went to his side facing the wall. Synchronized Sleeping. The thought popped in my head and I almost laughed out loud. And then the short story images started to form. A couple in their bed sleep dancing all night. Matched but sound asleep. And then George stretched out to remind me that they should have animals in their bed as well. So I added a cat and then a dog just for the comedy of it all. These two people and their animals rolling and turning in sync all night without ever being awake to realize it.

Then I started thinking that I didn't really have enough for a story. And really it was more of a visualization thing. It would make a good time-lapse video for YouTube. But that's not really where my talents are so what should I do with it? Should it become part of a longer story about a couple? Or maybe just a short story about sleep? Or...maybe you should stop thinking about this and actually get back to sleep. How would that be?

So I pushed the thoughts of synchronized sleeping out of my head and started to follow my breathing and relaxing back in to sleep. Which I did. Off and on for the rest of the night. Each time waking up to the thought...what music should be in the background? or...should it be one big dog or two little ones? or...would the couple be in the old fashioned split pajamas her in the top him in the bottoms or would that be too cute? Then finally...well at least I have something to blog about tomorrow...

I am Insomnious of Borg...

Last night I discovered that my guided relaxation sleep CD ends with a long stretch of music. The night before I discovered that there is a part in there about a box under a tree that has a key in it and you unlock another box with it. The first night I only made it down the escalators and in to the field. Then in to the field and to the tree. Then to the tree but never past the part where you write Relax on the chalk board three times. Can you see what happened there? As the nights listening to it progressed I got farther and farther in to the playing. And to be honest I am fairly pleased it took over a week for it to completely stop working.

Oh yes, it could have just been last night and I could use it tonight and pass right out on the escalator again, but the odds aren't strong for that. See, I have adapted to and overcome almost every single sleep cure I have ever tried. I am an insomniac and that's just the way it goes. I have never been a good sleeper. I thought for years that everyone was like me. That we all went to bed at night and then lay awake most of it waiting until morning. It wasn't until high school that I discovered that most people actually slept all the way through the night! Like 8 or more hours! Crazy! I go to bed and stay in bed for 8, 9 on the weekends, but I sleep about 4 on a normal night. A really good night for me is 6, a bad one is 2 and I have stretches where it's pretty much nothing. The most I have gone without sleep at all is three days. Which is when the crazy starts. You start seeing and hearing things that aren't there and then your body shuts down and sleeps because it has to. But even then I will only get the few hours that I am used to.

I read an article recently that described people like me as functional insomniacs. I like that. Because I am. Unless I get absolutely the worst sleep for more than a few nights in a row I do pretty well. I am just fine on 4 though I would rather have 6. I have tried any number of things to sleep better. Down time with no electronics for an hour before bed. No TV watching in the bedroom. No caffeine after a certain time. Melatonin pills. Valerian root. Exercise  Guided relaxation. Over the counter sleep aids. And they all work. For awhile. Then my body adapts and overcomes and I am back to little sleep. And usually I get a few days of very very little sleep like my body is making up for the lack of sleep.

What you aren't seeing on the list of things I have tried are the prescription pills. I don't want to do those and my doctor agrees with me. See as a kid I was a sleep walker. I still talk in my sleep at times. And when I was younger my brother came home a few times to find me eating in my sleep. So if I do that normally can you even imagine what I would be capable of on the pills that can cause it? No thank you. That and I hate drugs like that. They tend to make me sleep, sure, but not SLEEP and then I am groggy and off my game the next day anyway, so what is the point?

I also read an article recently about how before the widespread use of electric lights broken sleep was normal. That people wrote about things they did between first and second sleep. Seems like they would sleep about 4 hours, wake up for a couple of hours and do quiet activities, sewing, reading, things by candle light in the house (or not so quiet, it was thought one of the best times for procreative sex was between first and second sleep) and then they would go back to sleep for another 3 or 4 hours. So 8 hours was the norm then as well but no one expected you to get them all at once. Which fits with my pattern more. On a good night I get to sleep by 10:30 or 11 and sleep until about 2. Then I am awake for a couple of hours. I lay still and rest and think about the world, then I fall back asleep around 4:30 or 5 and wake up either when the alarm goes off during the week or around 7 on weekends. Though the second round of sleep is usually in like 20 minute cat nap batches. I sleep, wake up, sleep, wake up over and over. 

Brent has told me for years that I should just get up when I wake up. Go write or read or knit or whatever instead of staying in bed. And I think about it. But I honestly feel like the laying still is good for me. Resting isn't as good as sleeping but it's close right? That and it just feels weird to leave the bed while he is sleeping. Rude or something. I've tried keeping a book next to the bed and reading during that stretch of time as well but then I don't ever fall back asleep. I just finish the book. Which is great for reading, lousy for resting. Oh and I don't nap. Unless I am sick or exhausted the odds of me napping aren't strong. It happens every once in awhile, but normally it's laying down and closing my eyes and staying there for as long as I can stand it then getting up again. Skipping the sleep part. 

So for now I will try the CD again. Hoping to fall asleep before the end, but I won't be shocked if I don't. And I will go back to falling asleep for the first time closer to 11 than 10. And I will figure out what to try next.

Rotating frequency on sleep systems...engage....