Halloween Blues...

"I hate Halloween."

"Well excuse me as I move away from you."

"What?"

"I mean, I don't want to be standing next to you when they come for your gay card. You will then lose all rights and responsibilities contained therein. No more pushing for all of those special gays rights and advancing the gay agenda for you!"

"Oh stop it."

"Seriously though, isn't Halloween like the gayest of holidays? It's your Thanksgiving, Christmas and Super Bowl all mixed together and doused in obscure costumes."

"See? That's the issue. It used to be. It used to be like this really underground thing, you must be this gay to enter sort of thing. But now the straights have infiltrated. They saw how much fun we were having and have taken over. Like a bachelorette party at a gay bar. Like middle aged white women at Drag Brunch." 

"Like corporate sponsorship at a Pride Parade."

"Exactly. They want the fun and then as soon as there is actual push back from the 'don't call me cis het' crowd they run away."

"So you now hate Halloween because they haven't yet run away?"

"And I don't think they are going to. They've turned Trick or Treat into Trunk or Treat. Which, come on, you want it to sound better so you take away the 'trick' but add in 'maybe I'll shove you into the trunk' instead?"

"I don't think anyone is shoving someone in a trunk."

"We spent our whole childhoods being told to be aware of strangers in a van with candy. And now they take their kids to church parking lots with nothing but strangers hawking candy out of their trunks. Somehow they've decided the church is safer than ringing a doorbell on a house? Come on."

"Okay, maybe Trunk or Treat is a little odd, but didn't churches have harvest festivals when you were a kid?"

"They did. It was the first step in trying to take over. But we pushed back. We said, keep your little fishing games and bobbing for apples, which come to think of it bobbing for apples? Wasn't that what got Eve in trouble in the first place? Anyway... let the little church kids do that while all of the secular kids were out getting candy. But then the church kids were like, wait a minute, you got a lot more candy than I have so we need to figure out how to take that away from you."

"They aren't taking your candy."

"They did! They took away Trick or Treating. They convinced people that kids were getting drugs in their candy. Nobody got drugs. If you are high enough to pass out your drugs you are too high to be able to answer the door. But they convinced everyone it was, so they made them do mall trick or treating first, and when the stores all handed out the lame candy they switched to 'Oh look over here at Trunk or Treat.' Diabolical."

"Okay, so the kids thing you are mad at. But your parties were never kids things."

"Yeah, but that's been overrun as well. We didn't say anything when the college age crowd turned everything into a Sexy Whatever costume. We just let them have it. Fine, any excuse to get drunk and have sex in college right? But then they didn't stop. They kept having parties once they grew up. Or maybe not grew up but got older. And they kept doing the stupid Sexy Whatever costumes. No creativity."

"I've seen some pretty sexy costumes at Gay Halloween parties."

"Of course you have! But never just Sexy French Fries or some shit like that. You saw The Devil wearing Prada, just the logo. You saw Hot Priest from Fleabag. You saw..."

"Okay, I get it. Straights need more pop culture in their costumes."

"No. Straights need to leave Halloween to little kids and the gays. We don't ask for much, let us have this one thing. And give us Pride back. And Drag Brunch. And gay bars. Let us have those things."

"Is that the real gay agenda?"

"Leave us alone? Yeah, that's it."

"They'll never go for it."

"I know. It's all trick, no treat."

"But you look really good in your sexy librarian costume."

"I'm Prue reading The Book of Shadows. May Shannen Doherty's memory be a blessing."

"I just proved your point didn't I?"

"I mean...yeah."