Intentionally Goalless...

So a few months ago I made the decision that 2020 was going to be the year I really did it. No goals.

And of course as soon as I decided a little part of me started to panic a bit. And another part of me started to fill in "these aren't goals, merely suggestions with timelines" and then the part that originally decided was all, "Shh! I told you! No goals!" said like Edna says "No capes!" which then amused the part of me that never made it past 7 and started to imagine a goal cape you could swish around when you completed a task...

I tell you, it's very busy up in here.

Anyway...

I'm still in the no goals mindset. And I know that part of the reason is because the last few months I've been very much meh about finishing out 2019 goals. I just don't really have my motivation for them. And I know and I get it, it's because of Mom dying and that has thrown a monkey wrench into my pond of self, BUT...it's still a thing that happened. But to be fair the no goals thing was bouncing around in there with all of the other mixed metaphors before that happened.

AGAIN ANYWAY...

Last month while in the throws of the no goals mindset I bought my calendar for 2020. Yeah, not going to do stars and goals but I still need space to write down my to do lists because cleaning the bathroom or running an errand that needs done doesn't really count as a goal, but it's a must do thing and I like having a written space. I remember things more if I write them down. I can put a reminder in my calendar on the phone (and often do both) but writing it down just sticks a little more.

SO ANYWAY....

I bought my 2020 calendar and somehow instead of a smaller one than I had I bought a HUGE thing. It's got all of this space for writing down detailed plans and checklists and timelogs and what the hell was I thinking? This is much more than I have now and I am running 8 goal checklists a month! What? I'm going to need to find a different calendar that is smaller and more in line with my no goals year.

But...

I keep looking at this monster thing. It has cool quotes and spaces for notes and a place to write down daily gratitude and space for reflection on the day. And...

Well...

Okay.

So.

Apparently my no goals year is all well and good but my subconscious is not super comfortable with an aimless year. Which I am down with. Not the aimlessness, but the not being aimless. I can tend towards sloth if I'm not careful. Even if I am careful I have to budget sloth time in or I feel cheated. But I could see sliding into sweatpant wearing, bon bon eating, six months of the year is gone and what...pretty easily. Especially with the grief nips all around the edges.

And really, I mean it, I'm fine. Mostly. I am not wallowing. I am not catastrophically sad. I was ready and prepared as much as I could be and I would say that 80-90% of the time I am perfectly fine. But what I don't want to happen is to merge grief and a small depressive swing and end up reliving 2015-2016. That would be no bueno.

SO ANYWAY....

What I'm getting to is that 2020 will be the year of living with strong intentionality. No goals, no end game in mind, but not drifting. The weekly and daily plans will be just that, what needs done today? This week? This month? And then really paying attention to those things. When I am doing them, I am really there, doing them. Not thinking, oh okay, after this blog I need to write 16 more (just as a random example).

Intentionality.

That's the theme for 2020.

That and #BlueNoMatterWho  ;-)