"How about this one? Everyone says I look lovely in this one."
"Yes, you do look lovely in that one, Mom, but you really need a picture of just you. Having a picture of you and Dad doesn't really send the message that you are ready to start dating again does it?"
"Oh! How about this one? We could use this one!"
"Mom, that's a picture of Angie."
"Everyone says she looks just like me. I think it would be fine."
"Mom, you cannot use a picture of your daughter on your dating profile. Angie is 45 years old. She looks like you did at 45, you are 70. How about this one? It's a good shot of you and it's only a few months old."
"I look like an old lady in that shot. How about if we go to the mall and get one of those glamour shots taken? I could get all made up and use that one!"
"Trust me, Mom, this one is perfect. Okay, now let's work on your interests. What do you want to include?"
"Are you sure we are using the right dating site? I got an email last week from Cougars.com offering to sign me up for free. Polly Ann says that cougars are very hot right now so maybe we should be using that one?"
"No, Mom, that's not really what you are looking for. Trust me this site will be better for you."
"Are you sure? I think I would make a lovely Cougar. I'm a complete MILF."
"Mom! Do you even know what that means?"
"Of course I do, dear. Polly Ann's grandson told her that it means Mature Interesting Lady Friend."
"Okay, well, that's not exactly what it means, but Polly Ann's grandson is a quick thinker. Let's just stick with Match okay?"
"Didn't your friend Janet find her boyfriend Marcus on Match? They were a lovely couple. He was so nice and polite and they seemed to have so much in common."
"Yes she did, and yes they really did."
"Why did they break up?"
"Well, umm, when Marcus was filling out his profile he forgot to mention that one of the things he and Janet would have in common was that they both liked men."
"Oh, well, that's too bad that they couldn't make it work anyway. Gay men can make wonderful husbands you know."
"What?"
"Oh they can. You remember my friend Betsy right? Her second husband was just wonderful and gayer than a Judy Garland movie marathon."
"Mother!"
"Oh I know, your generation thinks you know everything there is to know about everything. But we had a few tricks up our sleeves as well. He was a lovely man. And after her first husband died she just wanted someone that would take her to the show and to dinner and hold her hand and tell her she was pretty. He did all of those things and more. Just the best friend she could ever have and they really did love each other. So I wouldn't mind a gay husband either. Is there a site for that?"
"No, Mom, I don't think so. Why don't we just stick with this one? What do you want to list as your interests? Reading? Knitting? Traveling?"
"How about skydiving? Or white water rafting? Those sound like fun."
"But you don't do either of those. You are trying to find an actual good match for yourself. So being honest will be your best bet."
"Oh fine, you just fill it out and I will look at it later. Are you sure we shouldn't head to the mall for a glamour shot first? I could get you one as well. You have a nice rack, you should show it off more."
"Mother! Seriously!"
"It's true you do. Maybe I should take a picture that shows off a little more cleavage at least? You know men can't resist that sort of thing."
"Okay...and done. Your profile is now live. The next thing that will happen is the site will make recommendations for you based on your interests and what you are looking for in a companion. You can also look through profiles and see if anyone interests you and if they do you can send them a message."
"Oh, I don't know that I feel comfortable sending them a message. They should message me first I think, I don't want to seem too forward."
"Mom, you were just talking about posting a better shot of your cleavage online, and now you are worried about being too forward?"
"There is using what your momma gave you and being too forward, dear, there is a difference."
"Alright...well...anyway...let me know if you need anymore help but this should get you started. And remember, don't make dinner dates, meet for coffee only to see if you like the person. Don't give them your address or meet them at the house. Always let someone know if you are meeting someone for coffee..."
"....keep a quarter in your shoe in case you need to call for a ride. You sound like your father and I did when you girls first started dating. Don't worry so much, I've done this before. It's been awhile, but I'm sure it's just like riding a bicycle."
"Okay, you're right, it's just that world has changed so much since you were dating, I worry. Let me know if you need anything else, I need to get Bri from soccer practice but should be home by 7 if you need to call."
"I'll be fine, dear. Don't worry. Though I still think we should get one of those glamour shots."
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