House hunters Tucson...

So now that we've all caught up on the back-story where did I leave off?

So we have the letter from the lawyer and the will. Looking through all of the changes she had made over the years we find the original document and finally find where Ann is mentioned. She specifically called her out in the will just to make sure that she got nothing. Sweet. And we can see that it was only a couple of years ago that Dona changed the will to leave the house to C. Before that it was going to some woman we had never heard of. Now this wasn't a huge surprise, as we had no idea what was going on in Dona's life, but it was odd to see her leaving something to a stranger instead of to her sister at least.

We got the letter on a Friday and there was nothing really to do about it until Monday when we could contact the law firm and get more answers. Well nothing to do but speculate a little. My theory as to when the will was changed was due to C's age. She waited until he reached an age she could leave everything to him without it going through Ann or Brent. And we decided that she left him the house because he was the only relative that had never pissed her off, because she had never met him. Brent had to call his mother and tell her that Dona had died, and then Ann had to call Dona's sister and let her know. Nobody had contact with her anymore so nobody in the family had known.

Our biggest concern at this point was that we had no idea what we were dealing with. Had anyone been to the house since she died? Did she have pets that had needed taken care of? Was there a mortgage on the house so really this wasn't a good thing for C but a hassle? And of course being who we are there were the inappropriate jokes, I told C that since he inherited the house and all of the contents if she died there then maybe he got her body as well. As he put it the whole thing was just surreal. His great grandmother who had never been a presence in his life left him a house in a retirement community in Arizona. What do you do with that?

Well what we did was finally get a hold of the lawyer. She died of pancreatic cancer, six months from diagnosis to her death, her last month was spent in hospice care where she got wonderful treatment. She had a dog but it had been put to sleep a few months before she got ill so there was no worry there. They had already changed the locks on the house and taken possession of it when Dona went in to hospice. The trust would handle the sale of all of the contents and of the house if we wanted and we wouldn't have to do anything. Or we could take possession of it all and handle it ourselves. There would be a four month time frame where anyone who wanted to could contest the will. I got a power of attorney for C so I could take over and we decided that I should take a trip down to at least see the house before it sold.

Now anyone who knows me knows this was purely selfish on my part. I wanted to see her house. I wanted to see how she lived. This was Brent's grandmother and I had never met her. She had no interest in getting to know me, but I was dying of curiosity about her. What makes someone like that? Why would she choose to live in such a way that she had no contact with her family? Her daughter didn't speak to her. Apparently her sister hadn't been talking to her either. Her contact with her son had been sporadic and he had only somewhat reconciled with her when he needed someone to take care of him when he was dying. She had no real contact with her grandson and had never reached out to her great grandson. Both of whom are awesome and she was really missing out on not knowing them. Not to mention her granddaughter-in-law who she had dismissed without even a shot. I was on a search. My greatest hope was that there would be journals.

Arrangements were made, the trip was booked and planned and off I went to Tucson. I had contacted my mother-in-law before heading down to see if there was anything she wanted. Her first reaction was that she felt like anything in the house would have bad vibes attached to it, so she didn't want anything. But then she remembered a pitcher that had belonged to her father's side of the family that she thought Dona might have taken so if I found that she would like it. She also offered to come with me. I had already planned out the boondoggle portion of the trip and also honestly felt like that would be a lot of extra emotion to deal with so I turned her down. But I thought it was nice that she was willing to go in to what would have had to be an uncomfortable place so I wouldn't have to do it alone.

So Tuesday morning in Tucson. I am driving through the neighborhood to get to Dona's house thinking to myself that it all looked awfully familiar. After a double check on Tuesday night I found out I was right. That trip we had taken a few years earlier? Well the house our friends were living in at the time was only a few blocks away! We were that close to her. Talk about what could have been an awkward walk around the block...

I get to the house and Toni the legal assistant is there to meet me. Lovely woman who starts out with, "So sorry about your loss" I had to stop her and say that I was not really sure how much of the family history she was aware of but that I didn't know Dona at all so....She relaxed and told me that she knew quite a bit and that I would be surprised how many estranged situations they have to deal with. We chatted for awhile as she showed me around and then let me know that I could take anything I wanted and where to leave the key for her to pick up later. I told her that the only thing I was really interested in was the pitcher and any sort of family history. And then she left and I had the house to myself...

Actually I'm going to back up just a bit. When I got there Toni had the garage open and was meeting with a roof repair guy so we came in through there. And the first thing I see of Dona's house is:

The Sarah Palin Fan Wall

Oh my...well this answers the question that we had on if she had left the money to Bush because of what she believed or as just a sharp stick in the eye of my MIL. See, it seems that years ago Dona was a hard core democrat, so we weren't sure if she had changed world views or if she was just making a point to Ann who still is one. I also had to laugh because when my hair is longer and I wear my gold rim glasses...well...let's just say if I need a go to scary Halloween costume I've got one. If she had only known!

So the methodical search of the house started. I wanted to make sure I looked at everything. I wanted to get a feel for who she was. Still hoping for journals. I started in the furthest corner of her house which happened to be the master bedroom closet. She had jewelry boxes in there and at one point while I was sitting on her bed sorting through them I thought, "I am looking through a dead woman's things, how weird is this?" It didn't stop me, just paused me for a second. And then there was this:

Hmmm...we might have actually had something in common.

She also had some lovely amethyst earrings and rings.  I almost brought the earrings home with me but the thought of wearing someone else's earrings kind of squicked me out so I left them to be sold. 

There was also a recipe box that I pulled down off the shelf:

Brent's grandmother's recipes aren't like your grandmother's recipes.

And this is where I have to say that I just wish I knew more about her. Dona was born in 1928 and she was a scientist of some renown. She had boxes of requests from all over the world to view and teach her research.  Think about that for a minute. She was born in 1928. She started as a nurse then went back to school and got her doctorate all in a time where women just didn't really do a lot of that. In the papers she published with Goodnight (the father of Sheldon, Brent's uncle) she often had top name. I just imagine that she had to have incredible stories of what she went through and how she was one of the ones breaking down barriers and busting through glass ceilings. And she was gorgeous:

Nursing School Graduation Picture

Now that part shouldn't have come as a surprise to me. My mother-in-law did some modeling when she was younger so I knew the genes were there. But I had never really seen pictures of Dona when she was younger so it was hard to imagine. But she was. So strong willed, beautiful and successful? Sounds like someone you would want to know. Except of course for the crazy part. And crazy does trump all.

So as I am exploring this treasure trove of a closet I find a box that came from some science organization. It was shipped to her in the 2000s so long after she was active in the field. I turned it over and over looking to see an opening but it was still wrapped from shipping and she had never opened it. I thought about seeing what was inside but put it back on the shelf to deal with later. 

I'm going to highlight a few of the things I found.

 Okay, so maybe we wouldn't have had much to talk about bookwise...

 She had this box of crosswords that she had cut out and kept, but I didn't see any evidence anyplace else of her actually doing them...

 Girlfriend loved her Southwestern jewelry! 

 This was a box of Sheldon's things. Including a bunch of clues she had left for an Easter Egg hunt one year. She also had all of his cub scout badges. And there was an envelope with a few pictures of Ann.

 She was WELL traveled and there was a drawer full of maps.

Do you all remember these? 

  Adorable picture of my mother-in-law from her school years.

This one was actually a bit of a shock.  That's a picture of C from maybe 4th or 5th grade. In front and behind are pictures of Brent and his uncle, yes she liked to dress them alike for pictures.

And there were these all over the place. Pictures she had cut out of the former president and first lady. This was on the same shelf as the rest of the family pictures.

 Knew it! The notes figuring out how old someone born in 1992 would be. This was tucked in with the estate planning documents.

She had needlepoint all over the place. She did beautiful work.

Stacks of envelopes from when she was at Western. Not sure why she kept them.

In one of the four offices she had in the house. A copy of an old Christmas letter we sent and C's birth announcement.

So this last one made me shake my head. This particular folder was tucked in with other correspondence she had received. Quite a bit of it being from people thanking her so much for the lovely cross stitch birth certificates she had sent. She kept C's birth announcement, had all of the information there but didn't make one for her own great grandson. Now to be fair I would have just been pissed because it would have shown his mother to be some woman named Sharon...but still.

So as I am looking through things I am gathering clues that are piecing a life together. She still had a lot of things that had belonged to her dog around. And a lot of pictures of her dogs through the years. So she loved those dogs. She had family pictures around, though an odd collection of them. The picture of C on the shelf surprised me. We sent them every year but to see she had put them out was nice. Though she stopped at an odd age. When I got home I stood looking at the pictures we have of him and that year, that picture the resemblance to that side of the family is the strongest. I'm not saying that's why she didn't change it out after that, but it wouldn't surprise me. Seeing pictures of Ann was nice as well. I hadn't expected there to be any proof in her house that she had a daughter as well as a son. But there were pictures.

So then I started to wonder if she had them for herself or for her neighbors? She lived in a retirement community so you know that grand children were talked about and bragged over. Families were discussed. So did she have the pictures because she wanted to see them or because it was expected of her? When I was talking to C about it my kind child pointed out that it could have been that she wished she had made different choices and had the pictures out as what she wished life could be like. He's a good egg that boy.

I found the books holding the original estate planning documents, from right around the time she wanted our social security numbers. So it looks like she really was doing her will. She still didn't need our numbers, but at least that panned out. And as I was reading those documents and got to the part that was her wishes for what happened after she died I wasn't surprised to see that she had donated her body to science and that they could cremate her when they were done and hmmm...this name is familiar, where have I seen it before? And then OH MY GOD...the box in the closet that I was turning over and over looking at! It was from the same company, shipped in 2005! Oh holy hell....I texted Brent..."Umm...just found your uncle."  Yep, it was Sheldon I was so cavalierly turning over and over. Seriously, you should label something like that!

So I decided it was time to take a bit of a break. I sent my mother-in-law a picture of some pieces I had found that I thought might be what she was looking for, texted Brent to call her to have a look and left the house for a bit. 

Sitting at lunch trying to absorb everything I had already seen and trying to get a full picture of who she was the realization that it was probably not going to happen was dawning on me. I had a lot of pieces, a lot of things showing me a bit about what she was like but nothing really stitching it all together. And of course as often happens when I think about family I started to think about the progression. I don't know much at all about Dona's mother but there was a picture in a photo album of her that Dona had labeled, "The Monster" so let's say that relationship wasn't good. Dona was brilliant, no doubt about it but extraordinarily rigid. From what I know about Ann's father (also a lot of gaps there) he was much more of a free spirit. Much more. Ann was raised mostly by Dona, she didn't even know her father until her teen years. So her role model for life was Dona. And she rebelled. And they ended up with no contact because Dona couldn't bend.

My mother-in-law is also brilliant. And at times she has been a little rigid, though nothing like Dona. And she has mellowed a lot over the years. Ann married Jack (twice) who was a bit goofy. Brent was raised by Ann mostly, Jack and Ann divorced when he was young and didn't reconciled until his early teens. So really she was his main role model. And he did rebel a touch, not as much but there was a period of time where it was touch and go if the family legacy of estrangement was going to continue. But we made it past that and we are still in contact with her, still visit when we can and we have no doubt in our minds that she loves us all very much.

Brent is brilliant. But he's not really rigid, serious but not rigid. And he married me. And I know this is going to come as a shock to you all, but I can be a little goofy. Okay a lot goofy. It's like they were all seeking out that other side. The goofball side. The piece that was going to mellow them out just a bit.  Each generation adding a layer of goofball to the brilliance to mellow the mix.  And we had C. Who is brilliant. And a goofball. I guess it worked. It will be interesting to see what the next generation brings. And I will see it because there is no fear on my part of estrangement from C. It's unthinkable to me.

Or maybe I had low blood sugar and was just making connections where there weren't any.

So back to the house.

Turns out that one of the pieces I found actually was the pitcher Ann had remembered. Brent said she called it the hot chocolate pitcher. Her aunt (edit: actually cousin of her grandmother) on her father's side used to serve hot chocolate out of it and she had always loved it. I shipped it and a book I found that I think must have belonged to her grandfather and both made it to New Mexico safe and sound.

Isn't it lovely?

I mentioned that Dona had like four offices right? There was a touch of hoarder in her. I think a lot of that has to do with age. Not just that she was older but she had been a depression era baby and like my parents (she was two years older than my father) they kept everything! You just never knew what you could use or turn in to something else right? And paperwork was one of those things. She had four different areas set up with paperwork. It sort of seemed like each area was dedicated to different things. Personal correspondence, bill paying, travel planning, and one that I have no idea. In each of the areas I found something from us. The Christmas letter/birth announcement in the personal correspondence area. Another Christmas letter in the travel planning spot, oh my goodness was she at one point planning a surprise visit? Another Christmas letter in the random area and then in the bill paying area the envelope from the last Christmas letter where she had written my name and C's name next to our return address label. Well there you go, it only took her 26 years but she finally figured out what my name is.

There was also the Christmas letter from two years ago along with the scratch note on how old C would be in the estate planning documents. The letter talked about how well he was doing in school and how well Brent was doing at work. I hope that she took a little pride in that. But that was when she changed the will to take out the mystery woman and add C. But the mystery woman was no longer a mystery! I found a copy of her Christmas letter in a file and it had a line in there about going to Tucson and having lunch with an old college friend Dona! So the woman that was going to get her house was someone she went to college with. Wow....imagine how surprised she would have been!

Okay, I know this is super long already but I'm almost done. The final room. 

I mentioned the touch of hoarder right?

And in this room at her desk I found:

Oh my gosh!

At this point I might have yelled out YES! I was so excited! And do you see the little corner of an envelope sticking out? That's the Christmas card I was telling you about earlier with our return address on it. I honestly thought I was going to open this and get some insight in to Dona. And I guess I sort of did.

Yep, notes from some vacation she had taken detailing the area.

And that was really it. There were photo albums and I pulled out the older family photos and brought them home. Hopefully the next time Ann visits we can figure out who is who. And then there were albums from the travel she did. She went to the most incredible places. And when you looked through the albums there would be a divider labeling where it was, and then five or six pictures of interesting sites there. Then the next section. No pictures of people. Every once in awhile a picture of just her standing someplace, but that was rare. After Goodnight died and Sheldon left home she must have continued her traveling but gone alone. Though to be honest I didn't see any pictures of her traveling with Goodnight either. There were some from them being in Arizona together, so I know he was around for awhile, I just don't know for how long. 

As I was leaving the house I texted Brent to let him know I was done. He asked what I had learned and I had to admit not much. I feel like I know a little more about what she was like but I don't understand her any more than I did before I went. The photo albums full of places but no one to share them with. The family pictures that were all decades old. Keeping letters from us but not reaching out to have an actual relationship with us. Then I told him the time had been interesting but sad. He texted me back and said that was probably the best way to sum up his grandmother.

Interesting but sad.