Jerry tried to catch Steve's eye when he came in to the break room but Steve was already looking at the women huddled around Sarah's cell phone. So then Jerry started sending out a psychic message, "Don't ask, don't ask, don't ask." But either he was no good at sending or Steve was no good at receiving because Steve opened his mouth, "What's up?" Jerry wondered if he could make a break and get back to his desk before the fall out but Sarah and her group were between him and the door so the odds weren't good. He sighed and settled in for what he now knew would be an unpleasant lunch.
Jerry had three older sisters so this made him somewhat of an expert in dealing with women. And by deal with what he meant was he had learned how to avoid most, okay some, of the major pitfalls that his friends seemed to walk blindly in to. He would like to say that he figured all of these things out because he was a genius but really it was his father that was the genius. He had taken Jerry aside when he was about 9 and explained to him that he was outnumbered and disadvantaged. His sisters and his mother would always have the advantage so he needed to learn how to get along in a woman's world. And then he explained that when Jerry made his way out of the house he would still be outnumbered and disadvantaged. That even if he was sitting one on one with a woman he would still be at a disadvantage. "They just think differently than we do, son. The sooner you understand that the better it will be for you." Then he explained the rules.
1. Don't ever try and fix a problem they are having. Even if you could fix it, they don't want you to fix it. This is the one that every man in a successful relationship knows. And the one that every man fails at often enough that it's still an issue. It's just so hard not to fix things. But don't do it. Unless they ask. Then you can only fix that specific problem and nothing else.(Change the blown fuse for instance) Not even a helpful suggestion on how to avoid the problem in the future. (Maybe don't plug your radio, hairdryer, curling iron and the light into the same socket) Fix it, move along. But mostly don't fix it. Unless they tell you to.
2. Don't make eye contact. This goes back to rule #1 (as most of the rules do) if you see a woman in a discussion with another woman about a problem they are having and you make eye contact you will be expected to ask how they are and then you will be tempted to fix the problem. So do not become aware of the problem if you can help it.
3. However if eye contact is made you cannot at that point ignore the fact that they are having a problem though you must not under any circumstances try to fix the problem. If you try to ignore them then you are now the problem. And you really can't fix that.
4. Understand that as a man you will become the representative for all things male. Try to stay out of discussions when they are mad at a man. Refer to Rule #2. And then again to Rule #1 if you think pointing out that you are not the man they are actually mad at will help.
Now, Jerry had heard enough of the conversation between Sarah and the other women in the office to know that the only viable option he and any other male had was to avoid eye contact. Better to be an oblivious guy than in the middle of this discussion. But Steve (Steve who was raised with only brothers) had ruined all of that. "What's up?"
Sarah turned and glared at Steve. "Men are pigs, that's what's up."
"Hey, now, not all of us are bad guys, right Jerry?" Steve then looked to Jerry for support. Crap. Now we are both in it. Thanks, Steve. Thanks a lot.
Jerry stepped in to try and mitigate the damage before Steve made it even worse.
"What's wrong, Sarah? What happened?" Jerry used his concerned voice. There was a line to be walked here. Too detached and he would be the uncaring bastard. Too comforting and he would be the condescending bastard. He was trying to avoid all bastardization at this point. If only he had a hand signal or something to give Steve. Some sort of get behind me and don't say a word and I might just get us out of here alive thing.
Sarah thrust her iPhone at Jerry. He was looking at a picture of a lovely view of the city, but he knew it couldn't be just a lovely view of the city. There was a piece he was missing. Now how to get the answer without stirring the pot?
Steve looked at the phone as he was passing it back to Sarah, "Nice picture. Great view."
Steve, just shut up!
Sarah turned on Steve, "It is a great view. Of my secret spot. And it's not my picture. What do you think of that?"
Steve looked at Jerry with fear in his eyes. Oh now you realize you've stepped in it? Now will you shut up?
"I'm sorry, I don't understand, Sarah, I think I have missed something." Jerry went back to the calming voice.
Sarah took a deep breath, "This is a view from a picnic spot I found. It's not easy to get to. You have to park in a certain place and hike in. Nobody goes there. I took Keith last summer for the first time. We had a romantic picnic there and went back a few times after that. Today this picture shows up on his new girlfriend's Facebook page!"
"Why are you looking at his new girlfriend's page?"
Steve, really dude? Just really?
Jerry stepped in front of the bomb, "He took his new girlfriend to your spot?"
Sarah shot a dirty look Steve's way, "Yes, can you believe it?"
Steve nodded his head slowly, "Yeah, I totally can. Dudes are like that."
Jerry looked at Steve, maybe he could be salvaged after all. That wasn't a terrible thing to say this could go okay for both of them.
"I mean, I bet he got laid when you all went the first time right? You said it was a romantic picnic."
Or maybe not.
"You are saying that he took her there because he got laid when we went? Not that I am saying he got laid. But you are saying that's what he was doing? Jerry, what do you think?"
Oh hell, and here it was. The point where he was going to have to not only walk a fine line to get out of this alive but walk that line 30 feet in the air over a pit of fire. Thanks, Steve, owe you one buddy.
"I think Steve is right. Wait, wait, hear me out. There are some guys out there that would do just exactly that sort of thing for exactly that sort of reason. Men are simple creatures, ladies, I am sorry to say. And we tend to follow simple routines."
"Yep, got me laid, didn't get me laid. It's a two folder filing system in our brains."
"Well, yes, Steve, sort of like that. But it's really more basic. Men like to make the women they are with happy. What your ex knows is that you were happy when you went to that spot so he has it tucked away in his brain as a happy place."
"Or a got him laid place."
Jerry closed his eyes for a second and took a breath, "So when he took his new girlfriend to this spot all he was thinking was that it made you happy so it would make her happy as well. Now, I know, that's a horrible thing to think. This was a special place to you and you were sharing it with him which made it a special place for the two of you and now he's shared it with someone else which has ruined it for you. But I would bet that he didn't think that way at all."
"So what you are saying is that he doesn't think of me at all anymore?"
Oh wait, that is not what he meant to say. Shit. Shit. Shit.
"He probably doesn't. Or at least he tries not to." Steve again.
"What? We dated for over a year!"
"Exactly. You dated for a long time. You both probably thought you were the one, right? It didn't work out. Men don't like to focus on their failures."
"So I'm a failure now?"
"No, no, no, you aren't a failure. He would view it as he was." Jerry tried to give Steve a look that said thanks for the assist, "He blew it with you and he knows it. By taking the new girl to this spot he is probably trying to fix what he did wrong with you. Trying to recapture those moments when he knew he was doing something right. But probably all subconsciously. Because he doesn't want to think about how he screwed it up with you. He just knows he wants to get something right."
Okay, this could work. Sarah looked calm and thoughtful. Her girlfriends were giving each other the looks that said, "this is something to think about" and lunch break was just about over. Not bad, not bad at all.
"Or he was just trying to get laid."
Oh for fuck's sake, Steve!
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