Changes...

"I'm going to change the color of my hair, I just didn't want you to be surprised."

He felt like saying, "It's your hair, I don't fucking care what you do with it." instead he bit his tongue and reminded himself that she was just being polite. Trying not to cause him anymore shock. "Thank you."

The first physical change after his father was gone was her fingernails. For as long as he had remembered her fingernails had been small ovals painted what he thought of as seashell pink. The nails weren't too long, just over the tips of her fingers. Shaped into those perfect ovals tips and painted that pale pink. When he was two or three he painted his as well. There was a picture in the book of his hands next to hers. The tips of his fingers splotched with pink. He didn't remember the day but she would laugh when she would tell the story. He had been so proud. "Look, Mommy! Just like you!"

Now the pale pink ovals had been replaced with longer, pointy nails and the color varied depending on the week. "Styles change."

Before his father was gone his mother's style was chic. He'd heard her friends call her that. "She's so chic." Her chestnut brown hair was worn in a bob. Her clothes were classics. Pencil skirts and jackets for work. Levis and soft sweaters at home. Her nails were perfectly done but not showy. Very chic. He thought she was perfect just the way she was. But she was his mother so of course he did.

After the nails changed, the clothes did as well. "Styles change." The classic wardrobe was replaced with very trendy things. Things that would be described as flashy or maybe even desperate by his mother's friends. Though of course he didn't know what they thought of any of the changes. Not anymore.

His mother had eaten very well and taken very good care of herself. She was in perfect health for a woman her age. Which had made her laugh and his father had teased her about. "For a woman your age you are holding up miraculously!" They had thought it was all very funny.

Now he wondered.

When his father was gone things changed.

Now he was eating breakfast listening to her talk about the shade of blonde she would be. "I always wanted to have long, thick, blonde hair."

He nodded and kept chewing.

He tried to be grateful. She was responsible for his financial well being. The reason he would be entering the top college in the nation next week. The reason he had a nest egg at 17. The reason he was able to live in the house he grew up in instead of one of the state homes. Which as bad as this was, watching her change, it wasn't as bad as those homes. Or at least the stories from them. And the private residence would have eaten away at his nest egg. So really he should be grateful to her for arranging the 4 month extension on staying in his old house and being able to attend the same school. He knew that his mother had thought it was best for him. But she couldn't have known what this would be like.

Watching this woman change everything about her.

She didn't eat as well or work out as often so the very healthy, very fit mother he had always known was now a little softer. A little rounder. It helped that she didn't look exactly right.

Though he wondered why. She had paid top dollar for his mother, did she think that she would be able to magically stay the same?  Though he guessed it didn't matter. If she ruined this body she would just buy another one.

When his father was gone their lives changed.

He looked at this woman and wondered if she had made it happen. If it was her fault. If she knew that his disappearance and the freezing of his accounts would drive his mother to this. The only option his mother thought she had that would guarantee his future. A mother will do anything to protect their child. That's what she had said in her letter.

His mother had arranged his fund. Worked with her lawyers to make sure it could not be stolen from him. And then gave a portion of her fee to a charity organization that worked with desperate people. Those that like her felt they had no other options for their families. He would go to college. He would get his degree. He would make a life for himself. He would have the money to buy anything he wanted.

His mind went to the cube in his room. She was in there. When they removed her from her body they put her in the holding cube. She could stay there forever. She had made sure he had legal ownership of the cube. But she put restrictions on its use. He could delete the contents. He could offer her to research for the empty shells they were trying to develop. He could put her in a mainframe. Anything but what the woman in her body had done. He could not buy a living human who felt that they had no other options to save their families. He could never do that. If he did she promised the first thing she would do would be self terminate. No matter how much money he had that was off limits.

He looked at her again. This new woman living here, looking almost like his mother and he wondered if she knew how often he thought about killing her. Probably not. Afterall in the notes he was described as a good natured young man, smart, dedicated to his studies and his family. Mother left extensive notes and a cube for him. He should be no trouble. Well...

Styles Change.

Day 19!

Okay first some housekeeping...

Habit broken! I'm not checking on my phone. I don't absentmindedly open up Amazon now. I swipe the notifications away people have posted. Facebook has upped their game on that and tells me about a LOT of things now. The people I interact with the most I am guessing. When Caren posts a  picture, when Dana updates her status, when Eric tags Susan in a picture, those sorts of things. I just swipe them away without clicking. I could delete the Facebook app from my phone but I'm not sure Messenger would still work if I did and I would lose my birthday notifications. Which I made a list of July birthdays as well but if the Facebook notification pops up I can click that and go directly to a birthday post area without seeing anything else on Facebook. It helps keep me honest.

So birthday posts, cross posts from Instagram, one post from another website for a deal for a new food delivery service I'm trying, and the blog.

Oh, and Brent shows me things here and there. Like he'll send me a video of the goats visiting the otters at our zoo because he knows I would miss that not being online and I really love baby goat visits. He also tells me things you all have said. Not a lot, one he's being supportive of my time away and two he's a guy so he thinks that "there is a discussion on your post" is plenty of information when I want to know who is discussing, what are they discussing, and what does their latest profile picture look like?

I also dropped the crossword game like I thought I would and today deleted another game that I've been playing. I need to make sure I'm not replacing one bad habit with another. And since I have a little less than two weeks left this is the perfect time to make sure I'm not.

I've also read a good chunk on my year for every year list and some extras. I did five years in four days this past week. Now to be fair a few of the books were not very large (there was a graphic novel in there and a YA that moved very quickly) but still. I've made enough progress that I'm actually eyeing a stretch goal of starting my 50th year book on the week of my 50th birthday. I think that's a bit ambitious, especially considering I will be on Facebook for three of those weeks, but it's in my head as a strong maybe right now. 

So anyway that's where I am.

Now I want to give you all a shout out.

One of the hardest parts of this experiment has been this page. Posting into the void. You all know how much I HATE submissions. Part of that is that I am not a good editor. To submit I write, rewrite, cancel, rewrite, delete, write, make Dana read it five times, rewrite it again. Then submit. And then, usually, nothing. You hear nothing. I was so excited this year with the first contest I entered that I got rejected within two weeks. Yes, it was a rejection and those sting, but it was something. The second submission this year I still haven't heard back from even though they SWORE everyone would get feedback.

The silence sucks. It's a big part of why I have this blog. First off the I hate editing part. Most of what you read from me I wrote in an hour or two I re-read once, tried to catch any errors (which you all know I didn't because you read my stuff) and then toss it up. And then you click on it and I can see that 5 people read it. And then I get a few comments and a couple of likes and I feel good. Because you read it. It's not posting into the void.

This month has just been posting into the void. Even though I am SURE there are comments on the posts (at least the one with the poem, because Brent told me) I am not looking at them or answering them or getting this is great or this isn't clear or this sucks or you're brilliant or you're misinformed or anything...I'm not a fan.

So...what I'm saying is thank you. Thank you all for reading my stuff, my fiction, my non-fiction, my weird goals lists, my political rants, my ideas. Thank you for reading it all. Thank you for letting me know that you've read it. Thank you for being in my world letting me know that I'm not just shouting into the void.

See you all in two weeks.

(You know the living room still isn't touched right?)

Ghost Hunter...

She went hunting for a ghost and found one. It's a pretty standard story.

She had always known there was a ghost.

Well maybe not known, but suspected.

 At first she suspected there was a ghost. But by the time she went hunting she knew. It's not that unusual afterall. There is almost always a ghost. It just varied on how strong it was.

This was a very strong ghost.

Not at first.

Well maybe it was at first and she just didn't notice. But by the time she knew for sure that there was a ghost she also knew it was very strong.

Or at least strong. She learned it was very strong later. After the hunting.

She had suspected there was a ghost in the beginning. She learned that there was indeed a strong ghost. A ghost who was much stronger than she had even realized.

There. That was fairly accurate.

You have to be very brave to hunt ghosts.

Well maybe not brave.

You could just be very stupid.

People sometimes get those two mixed up. Brave or stupid. It all depends on the outcome, doesn't it?

She was very brave.

Until she realized she had been very stupid.

But by then it was too late. Which is often the case when confusing bravery and stupidity.

She went hunting for a ghost and found one. The ghost was stronger than she had known. She had been very stupid to hunt this particular ghost. It was a pretty standard story. Just not the one most people liked to tell.

The ghost was untouchable. As most ghosts are. Though sometimes they would strengthen and come back to form. That is why she went hunting this one. If she were being honest. Which she had no reason not to be now. Now that it was over. But she had been afraid. Afraid that this ghost would come back and end her life. It was all very dramatic in her head. Also a pretty standard story.

You cannot hunt a ghost directly. You have to come from the side. Everyone knows this.

Well maybe not everyone knew this. It was just how she did it. Coming directly at a ghost would give it too much power. That's what she thought. If you came from the side you could see what you were dealing with, how strong the ghost was, then you could handle it.

Somehow.

That was the piece she wasn't sure about. She'd dealt with lesser ghosts before. And most of them faded away on their own. A few stronger ones here and there had popped up, but again, nothing she hadn't been able to handle. Ghosts had their own sort of half-life. Like radioactive material.  They might start out fairly strong but they faded as time passed. Most of the time. Only very strong ghosts had a long half-life. So long that they didn't seem to fade at all. And, as she had mentioned, sometimes even reformed and came back as whole.

So she went at the ghost from the side. Information was always the key to any situation. So she researched. Mostly by listening. Trying to catch the ghostly whispers. The ones that would tell her what she needed to know. Ghosts leave traces behind. That's how you knew there was a ghost after all.

When she had the information she felt she needed to hunt the ghost she made a plan.

Well maybe half a plan.

Well maybe one step of a plan.

When she had the information she felt she needed she could no longer contain herself and set off to hunt the ghost ill prepared for what she would find. Very bravely. Or stupidly as the case may be.

The ghost was formidable. Larger than she thought it would be. Not in size, but in presence. She could feel the ghost from across the room. Silver. Gold. Glowing. That was how the ghost was. Glowing. Large. Resplendent. That was the word that came to her mind. Or wait, not resplendent, regal. Glowing, regal, not at all aware that a ghost should be small and easily dealt with.

Did you know that the sense of smell is the one that is most closely tied to memory? If you want to remember your grandmother very clearly bake her recipe for lasagne. As soon as you open the oven the smell will wash over you and she will be there with you. In the room. Like she never left you. Her ghost will be strong.

She went hunting for a ghost. And as she neared the ghost she smelled...she smelled...she smelled...

It was their third date. He brought her a gift. She knew then that he was special. A gift. It was a small bottle of perfume. A very distinctive scent. Not her usual fragrance, but she wore it for him. Because he liked it. He would close his eyes and breathe deeply...

She went hunting for a ghost. She found one.

Too Soon...

I wrote my blog too soon yesterday. I was mad about what the president had been tweeting and the reactions to it from the Sunday talk shows and the Republican talking heads. It was frustrating me so much that they give him a pass so very often. Little did I know that he was going to have a "here hold my beer moment" soon after I finished writing.

That press conference...Wow.

Brent got the full blast last night with a lot of "AND THEN!" and "AND ANOTHER THING!" I am pretty unshockable at this point where Trump and what he will do is concerned.Or at least I always think I am. But I was shocked yesterday. He didn't even pretend to not show his throat. Body language, tone of voice and of course what he was saying. I guess it took two hours in private to fully measure their dicks but Putin's is much larger. Maybe with spikes. And Trump's testicles have crawled up into his throat.

Yes, it's all sexist language, and yes that's on purpose. The Republicans talk about how they want a REAL man leading, no more apologies (their word for diplomacy) and they like that he's a tough guy! Yay! Macho! Well, let's just say that if Trump met Trump he'd grab him, because yesterday he showed he was Putin's pussy.

And the crazy thing is they are going to let him do it...when you're Trump you can get away with it.

There were rumblings of "oh hell no" from the Republicans not running again. There was a this isn't good but don't mention the president by name from TurtleBoy. Even a few Fox News people not named Shep Sheppard were using words like "surreal." And then there was the interview with Hannity last night where they handled the real issues. Hillary's emails. And that the Mueller investigation is driving a wedge between Russia and the United States.

Umm...I don't know, but since we have proof enough to indict don't we want a wedge? Don't we want there to be a wide gap between the countries? The one run by Putin and the one that is supposed to be the leader of Western Democracy? Wouldn't a wedge be a good thing less than 4 months from our next election? Call me crazy...

I want people to understand things. I really do.

The Mueller investigation is not a witch hunt. The Russians really did interfere with our elections. And you can try to both sides it, whatabout it, or flat our decide it wouldn't have mattered in the end run, but it happened. Everytime Trump and his handler Hannity deny it, it makes him look more and more guilty. The whole don't piss on my leg and tell me it's raining thing about trying to con someone has a counterpart. Don't stand in the rain and pretend it's a sunny day. You just look like a wet idiot.

Trump's other big reveal last night was that Manafort is like Al Capone. They couldn't bust Al Capone on his big crimes so they got him for tax evasion. But see, we all know Al Capone did much worse. We know he was a capital B Bad Guy. So his witch hunt analogy is now that they got Manafort for Witchcraft when they couldn't nail him for serial killer? Is that it? Just another hint for Trump, don't compare your compatriots to gangsters. It's not a good look.

We will see what the fallout from this will end up being. I'm not hopeful that it will be anything more than some defensive posturing and then some "I didn't say that" gaslighting. Business as usual from the White House.

Vote. Vote in November to change the power balance in Washington.
Vote. Vote in 2020 to try and stop the tilt before we all have to learn Russian.

Seriously, I'm having a hard enough time with Spanish and considering German. Russian is just too complicated. Especially the whole keep your mouth shut or die from poisoning...you know I'll never be able to get that down right.

Blame Game...

The Republicans blame the media for reporting on Trump. It's somehow unfair and biased reporting to quote him. What?

Trump blames the United States for the relationship with Russia. Including the very dishonest Enemy of the State media that won't let the whole Russia election meddling go. Trump says we're foolish, which we are, but I don't think in the way he's implying.

The Republicans call it a witch hunt.
Except there are witches being found so it can't be a witch hunt. It's a bear hunt. An old advertising maxim is to hunt where there are bears to be hunt. This is obviously a bear hunt.

But if only the media would stop talking about it then it would all be okay.

And his followers eat it all up.

Over the past two years the favorability among Republicans for Putin has gone up.
The trust in the media has gone down.

And for two hours today Trump met with Putin with only two witnesses and those were their interpreters. So no official record of what was said.

This should bother you.

I don't care what political party you belong to, this should bother you. We are not a dictatorship, we have a governing system. The president is not supposed to have unilateral powers on most decisions, and though we have eroded that over and over since 9/11, it does not mean we should all just accept it as okay. If governing through Executive Orders is bad for one side it's bad for both. If a do nothing Congress is doing nothing we should fucking vote them out. We have all rolled over and shown our bellies and are now facing a wanna be despot in the White House (stop acting offended and look at what he's said REPEATEDLY and tell me that he doesn't wish he had unlimited and unfettered powers) and still...nothing.

In fact his base celebrates him. And all that he does. Cult 45 it's called. I think that's becoming more and more accurate.

Yes, I know, we need to not be so divided as a country. This is exactly what Putin wanted to do with Russian interference and he did it. Just because I know it's what he wants doesn't make it any easier to not be disgusted with the minions towing the line on whatever Trump says or does. He blamed the United States today for the bad relationship with Russia. He ignored the 12 new indictments on Friday (that he was briefed on, by the way, before he ever left for his NATO summit where he tried his best to wreck our relationships there before taking credit for a referendum that happen in 2014). He says Putin is good guy. Former KGB agent, poisoner of people he's miffed at, invader of Crimea, Putin. He's a good guy. We should have a good relationship with him. Putin says he didn't do anything wrong and who are you going to believe our ENTIRE intelligence community or Putin?

How in the world can you not be at least a little concerned over Trump and the Russians? Say he isn't a Russian pawn, what would he be doing differently if he was? Because it's hard to see.

Republicans keep saying that his administration has taken action against Russia so it shows that he is strong against Russia no matter what he tweets or says in speeches. No, no it doesn't. For one thing he keeps getting forced by Congress to act. Which is what our governing system can do. CONGRESS keeps acting against Russia and forcing the White House to comply. The White House says: the United States is foolish, Russia a great country and Putin is a really good guy and the investigation in to their meddling in our elections is RIGGED, FAKE, WITCH HUNT!

Because he can't possibly think for a second that the outcome was affected by anything but himself. I mean, that's a big part of it in my opinion. Putin is telling him what he wants to hear and who the fuck cares if nobody else believes that, Trump wants it to be true so he will believe Putin over everything and everyone else. He lives in a world of tissue paper lies. Very fragile place to be. If he were a stronger person he would be able to say, "Russia meddled in our elections. We need to stop them. They tried to do a number of things. Some of them were successful. Thank goodness that they were not able to actually change any votes. We need to send a message that this is not something we will tolerate. And we need to assure ourselves that they could never actually affect the outcome of an election." This shows he won "fair and square" (which we can all argue until we are blue in the face but we will never actually know) and still puts the blame on them for messing and getting caught.

But he can't do that.

So instead we are left wondering is it that he can't do that because his ego is so fragile he cannot fathom that an election he called RIGGED from the moment he entered it might actually have been meddled with, just in his favor, or is it that he is beholden to Russia in some way? Pick your poison because it's one or the other.

We are being governed by a fragile man baby or a pawn.

Vote in November. At least put some brakes on him.

Vote in 2020. Let's send him back to rage against the machine on Twitter alone.

Sick of Him...

"...and then Te..."

Janie interrupted her friend, "Could you not mention his name? In fact could we change the subject altogether? I'm not feeling very well."

"Oh my god! You did it! Where were you even able to get it?"

Janie gave a wan smile, still feeling a little green around the gills she wasn't sure if talking about the pills would make it worse or better. She waved Paula away, "Give me a little bit to feel myself again, okay?"

"Okay, but we are going to talk about this. I have questions."

"I'm sure you do."

After a few minutes of chatting about the weather Janie finally felt like she wasn't about to vomit all over the table. "Gloria's friend has a friend who got me a bottle."

Paula was glad to be back on the subject she really wanted to discuss. "But I thought they were illegal?"

"Well I didn't exactly go to a store and buy them from him. Gloria and I were talking and she asked if I wanted them and I said sure so, there you go. It's only temporary."

Gloria nodded. That's how they had been marketed. Like Antabuse for alcoholics. Something that would make you so ill you would not drink anymore, except in this case it was think instead of drink. Cognitive therapy in a pill with negative effects to speed it along.

"And is it working?"

"Well I literally get sick to my stomach when my mind wanders and as you saw even hearing his name in conversation is enough to make me want to hurl so...I guess?"

"You guess?"

"It's giving me all of the negative symptoms but it's not really keeping me from thinking about him. It's less Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and more Eternal Sickness of the Queasy Stomach. Probably won't be as beloved of a movie."

"If it's doing nothing but making you miserable why don't you stop?"

"I can't. The side effects of stopping mid dosing schedule are severe. That's why they got pulled from the market. Too many people decided that the nausea was worse than the heartbreak and quit early. Then...well..."

Gloria remembered. People died. The drug company tried to blame it on something else but the tie was too strong. Their customer's hearts would give out during withdraw. People tried to make it romantic, the broken heart death. But the bottom line was people died. It didn't stop them from wanting the drug though. The lab moved to some island without regulations and kept making the pills and people kept buying them.

"How many days is a full cycle?"

"Thirty days to make a habit so they say do it for sixty to make sure it sticks."

"Two months? That's a long time to be sick to your stomach."

"Well to be fair I was feeling fairly sick to my stomach before the pills so it's not much different. Now I know if I think about technical things like medication and side effects it goes away."

"How long have you been on them?"

"A week."

"Oh man...."

"Yeah, it's a ways to go. But bright side I should lose the 10 pounds I put on with the cry and eat ice cream first portion of the breakup." Janie tried to joke but it was too close to thinking about him and she felt the wave hit her stomach.

Gloria watched Janie's face go from normal to pained, "So how's work?"

She had a feeling she would get very good at changing the subject over the next few months.

Day 11...

Day 11...has it gotten easier? No. Will this be a permanent change? I am thinking hell no. Will I make it to the end of the month? Well, yes. Because I am stubborn and I said I would so I will.

I will say that even though I have really solidified that I am not ever going to go social media free this still has been a good experiment for me. I know exactly what I really like Facebook for and what I don't get any enjoyment out of. I will be changing my feed when I get back on. Dropping one of our local news stations and trying out a different one. Clearing out a few more people that I don't dislike per se but that I don't ever interact with and that I feel at best meh about so my feed is more likely to pick up on the ones that I do interact with and do really enjoy.

Basically this has reinforced that I like Facebook to be a place where I can talk to my friends across the world, read long articles from The Atlantic and get quick news hits from The Post. Instagram is all well and good and it's helped me keep my Picture of the Day yearly goal, but not enough people are on there, or use it frequently, or interact much. It's mainly a place where you follow famous people and see what they are doing, or at least that's how it seems.

And, just in case you were wondering, my famous people list is pretty much hockey players and drag queens. Which is a pretty good summation of who you are getting when you deal with me.

I'm still really bummed when I think of a clever status update and can't share it. Facebook has been a boon to my ideas that need written down but aren't really a story or even a poem (Brent ratted you out, Skippy, I know now that you really miss poetry month. At least that's what I'm pretty sure he said you meant) I'm sure that what I will do is look deeply at my overly inflated need for interaction and over think it a bit. But I like when you tell me that you laughed at something I posted. Or thought differently about an issue because of something I said. Or even that you disagree with me and here are the reasons why, that still means you thought about what I said. I like you guys, is what I'm saying. Some of you more than others, for sure, but I like you guys. (I'll leave you to your own existential wondering as who I like more cause being off Facebook is making me ornery)

And let's catch up a little bit...

Donald Trump's Supreme Court pick should not have been a surprise as soon as it was known that Kavenaugh thinks sitting presidents shouldn't be able to be sued. Also are we really okay with the reports that not only was Kennedy's son involved in business dealings with the Trumps but that Kennedy supposedly picked his own replacement and that's how they got him to agree to retire? Does that not sound really really bad to anyone else? Maybe you are all posting about it and are up in arms about it, remember I don't know, but the news seems to be barely touching it so I'm not sure. Conspiracy theories are only crazy if they need a lot of leaps, this one seems like it's pretty much just a stroll.

This morning Trump started the meeting with NATO (listen to the contempt in his voice when he says the word) by slamming Germany. Nice. Now I actually do think that the dependence on Russia is a bad thing, but I think there are better ways of getting that point made, and I think Trump (Putin is a good guy, we will have a very good relationship, the meeting with Russia will be easy) is not the one to talk about Russian dependence right, Comrade?

This is after all signs point to North Korea not only not getting rid of their nukes but making more and Pompeo saying it was a good meeting while North Korea said, "get the fuck out of here with your gangster shit" (Okay maybe not a quote but you get the drift). So Trump is blowing up our alliances, screwing up his own peace talks and still sucking up to Putin. Maybe he should have taken July off as well?

AND...oh my god his followers...Tons of news stories about the sanctions and the fact that farmers are being hardest hit. Already losing thousands of dollars. In an industry that plays on the thin edge of black and red anyway. And when they interview those people who voted for him who are now losing THOUSANDS of dollars? They are still okay with him. They are pretty sure he has a plan and it's all going to work out. Why? Why are you sure of that? This is a man who has bankrupted multiple companies. This is a man who does not pay his contractors. This is a man who is being sued by his personal driver for hours and hours of unpaid overtime and who gave him a raise and then took away his benefits! He's not a good guy. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't have your best interests at heart because he doesn't care about you. Again, why do you think he does? Because he says things? Okay...

Yeah, staying off Facebook hasn't changed my disgust with him at all. Or with people who blindly follow him. I wish everyone would do some soul searching as to what is actually important to them. And then own it. "Yes, he's a piece of shit but we are using him to stack the courts to take us to Gilead so I don't fucking care." At least that's honest. But the whole, "I wish he didn't tweet, hee hee, but he's really MAGAing his heart out." Or the worst, "He tells it like it is. He says what we all think."  No he isn't, no he doesn't, he tells it like he made it up and we all don't think that way. Some of us think that until someone shows themselves to be an asshole you should not treat them like an asshole. PC isn't a bad thing if it means you Practice Courtesy toward your fellow human beings, right up the point that they don't deserve it anymore. Because some of you don't.

So there you go. Day 11. I haven't changed. I'm just keeping it inside more, and of course blasting at Brent, he deserves another medal. Facebook isn't the issue, it's me.

Twenty more days to go.

The living room still isn't painted.