Forgive and forget...

She was the type of person who would always come up with the perfect response. The cutting line. The hilarious joke. The exact right thing to say. Unfortunately she always came up with them much too late. On the drive home from work she would think of exactly what she should have said to the snotty woman in line at the coffee shop that morning. At a party she would blurt out the name of the actress they had all been trying to remember, long after every one else had moved on. The exact right thing to say to a coworker who was trying to shift the blame on to her plate always came to her at dinner instead of when she needed it. It had always been like this. So she cherished the times when she did come up with exactly what she wanted to say at exactly the right time.

This was one of those times.

As she listened to Him go on and on about how life turns and changes and how it all works out for the best in the end she knew that when He was done with His little speech He was going to ask her for her forgiveness.

He needed everyone to like Him. To love Him. To make His world run smoothly. She was the one loose end. The one person He couldn't point to and say, "Yeah, we are still great friends." She also knew that He hadn't even considered it could be possible, that she might not have forgiven Him, that she might not like Him, until a few days ago. That's when she had run in to Ryan, an old friend of theirs, who mentioned that He was engaged. Ryan asked how she felt about it and in of those rare but sweet occasions when she knew exactly what to say she had looked at both of her empty hands and back up at Ryan. "What does that mean?" he had asked her, "I was just looking to see if I had any fucks left to give about what He does and apparently I am still out." Ryan had roared with laughter. And apparently told Him about it because she got the call the next day.

"We should grab a cup of coffee."

She could have turned Him down but she didn't. She thought about that after she agreed and realized she had never turned Him down for anything. Not once. She had always done what He wanted. What He needed. So in truth she had probably started forming her perfect response then. Instead of being right on time she was a day late from what she should have said on the phone. But that was okay, she'd take it. He didn't need to know.

Forgive Him?

No she would not forgive Him. He broke her. He left her. He chose someone else when He swore she was the only one. When she had asked Him over and over what was wrong He had lied to her. Told her it was all fine. And then He left. Telling her that it was her insecurity that had caused it, really. That if she couldn't trust Him then He was forced to be untrustworthy. And the real bullshit of it was that for a long time she believed Him. Until she realized that she had trusted Him. She had believed Him. Over and over and over. Until it became too obvious even for her that He wasn't trustworthy.

So no, she would not forgive Him. And honestly they both knew He didn't want her forgiveness. He wanted her absolution. He wanted to be able to say "It all worked out perfectly. Look how happy we both are now. Where we should be." He wanted to somehow take credit for her life now. For the happiness she had made for herself. For the work she had done, bit by bit, rebuilding herself in her own image instead of His. Putting the pieces back together in to a whole new picture. He wanted to be able to say that He did that. That He knew they would be better off with other people. That really she owed it all to Him.

Forgive Him?

She knew that forgiveness was as much for the forgiver as it was for the forgiven. But she didn't really care. Making Him feel better wasn't her job anymore. It just wasn't. She had spent so many years doing everything she could to make sure He was okay. She had put her career in a holding pattern when it became obvious that too many hours at work meant fewer hours with Him. She had stopped traveling because He couldn't always go. She tailored her life around His. Anytime He mentioned something about her that He didn't really like she would change it. Her laugh, her friends, her clothes. And it wasn't until He left her that she even realized it. That she had nothing that was hers.

She was broken.

Was.

Now she wasn't. She had her own friends. Her own interests. She was dating someone who loved everything about her that He had worked so hard to change. She was happy. And He had nothing to do with that. She did that all on her own. And what He did was of no concern to her either. So no she wouldn't forgive Him, she was working on forgetting Him.

That was what she was going to say.

He looked at her with his soulful eyes and took her hand in His and said, "So it all worked out for both of us. I just need you to forgive me."

She looked back at Him, smiled, and said, "No."

Then She got up and walked away from him. She loved it when the perfect thing to say came to Her at the perfect time.

You think you can get away with that?

Brent and I have a theory, the more attractive a person is the more shit they can get away with. We make the joke when we see a couple that is physically mismatched. He/she has to take a lot of shit. It's the balance. The more attractive one gets away with more. Shallow, but funny.

Worst seasickness in my life. The seal on the underwater camera broke and ruined the battery. A floating urchin or something stung my foot (finally got the last of the stingers out yesterday, I hope). The vog was so bad even the natives kept saying, "It's never this bad for this long." El Nino keeping the coastal waters too warm for the whales so very few in close to shore. Huge flocks of birds every morning at 5AM that would scream until around 7. A cancelled snorkeling trip because of rough seas. An entire area of the island closed due to dengue fever and oh yeah, one case of dengue fever to bring home. And yet...fabulous vacation. So much fun.

Hawaii is that attractive. It can get away with a ton of shit and still leave us thinking it was awesome.

This is our third year in a row escaping Oregon's extended winter for some time in the sun. This year it was the Big Island. We are trying out each of the vacation islands to see which one is our favorite. We had already been to the Big Island so it should have been Kauai's turn this year but when we went to the Big Island last time I was working during the trip so we felt like we didn't give it the full vacation treatment and headed back this year. So maybe Kauai next year.

Anyway...

I am a lousy vacationer. Or at least a lousy typical vacationer. I want to see and do and experience as much as possible so I tend to really schedule our time. It is going to be rare that you find me just lounging by a pool reading a book. First off, I burn I don't tan so that's not going to be fun, and secondly, I read all the time. Why would I want to have my nose stuck in a book when I could have it pointed to sea? Or under water? Or tilted straight up staring at the stars? BUT...I tried this year to schedule a little less heavily so Brent got some down time to just do nothing. It didn't really work out that way, I tended to make him wander around the resort instead of just sitting, but at least it was free form rambling.

So what did we do? We started with a sunset cruise. I thought that would be a really nice kick off to the trip. A couple of years ago I scheduled a luau for our first night and it really set the tone of "you are now on vacation" I thought this would do the same. And it did. Except for this part:

Yeah, those are clouds for our sunset cruise. Oh well! It was an open bar with a very generous pour so it was fun anyway. There was a birthday group on board who were enjoying everything VERY much and a couple who renewed their wedding vows which was lovely to see. We also got a little bit of this:

And that always makes me happy.

And even with the clouds the sunset wasn't half bad, really.

This is all we got. What you can't really see is the line of vog that takes over about 2 inches below the sun. We never did get a full on sun setting in to the sea this trip. But it's still gorgeous.

The next day was an early up and at 'em for a five hour three stop snorkel extravaganza! We love snorkeling. One of these days we will learn how to scuba dive and leave the surface behind, I'm sure, but for now snorkeling is one of my greatest joys when we travel.

 So this was the water as we left the boat dock. Should have been a warning...

The first place we went to is listed in the guide books and online as one of the BEST snorkeling spots on the Big Island. Just great for turtles and fish and the water is beautiful and...

 We had a little different experience. It was clear for about 10 minutes and then visibility went to shit. But in those first 10 minutes it was lovely and I did spot a turtle. So we went on our way. We explored some lava tubes and sea caves and watched as the waves crashed over the shore. And we sped along those same rough seas topping waves and DROPPING out of them. Over and over and over....

 "How are you doing?" "Nauseated as hell. But other than that...."

One nice lady gave me dramamine. Seems she gets sea sick but her husband loves to snorkel so she goes on one trip a year. I thought, if I felt like this every time I would kiss him at the dock, go for a hike, and pick him up when he was done. But good for her! Another lady gave me a ginger candy to chew on. That was lovely as well. Because there was more snorkeling to be done and I was NOT going to miss out! (you actually feel better if you are in the water and not on the boat as well so even if I wasn't going to snorkel I was at least going to float)

This was the next spot. So much better.  Lots of fish. And we stayed for a bit until the water got cold.  Then on to the next stop. 

Oh look! A bathing suit shot of me! Aren't you all so lucky! But really look how clear that water is.

 Great shots right? Brent used the very technical hold it out and click method. Trying to aim and shoot fish as they swim without wearing your glasses is tricky. I think he did a good job just pointing randomly and clicking.

The best snorkeling was at Captain Cook and we stayed there for quite awhile exploring the whole shoreline. Including where freshwater streams came in to the ocean underwater. The mixing of the salt and fresh water was really cool to see. It looks totally different. There is also a very steep and sudden drop off in the area and seeing how deep blue the sea got along the edge was very cool. Swimming along the edge wondering how deep it went and what was under you right there was great.

Speaking of under you...we also saw the shadow of a shark in the water. We were in the boat at the time so no worries. He didn't surface so no fin action but you could see the shape of his body gliding along and then he was gone. I also got a quick glimpse of an octopus while we were swimming. It was a very cool trip. Right up to the vomiting on the pier part, but hey, that means that I truly burnt more calories than I took in that morning right? And I did feel so much better as soon as I hurled so that was great too.

We were going to do a night time dive that evening but rescheduled it for later in the week. Brent was pretty sure I wasn't going to want to go back in the water that soon. I fought him a little but he was right. It took me the rest of the day before I was really back up to snuff. So instead that night we took a sunset walk by our hotel and explored a little there.

We found some tide pools.

A protected marshland.

And watched the sunset into to the vog.

The next day was a "free morning" meaning that I had 4 "suggestions" for things to do but nothing we HAD to do. Turns out we only did two of them, so that was relaxing. One of the things on the list was closed due to the dengue outbreak and the other one we ran out of time but we did it the first time we visited so we didn't feel like we missed out. 

So the things we did do were drive to the other side of the island to see Rainbow Falls:

Which was an hour and half drive from the hotel to see a fall that wasn't as nice as the ones we have here at home. It was also right by the side of the road so there was no hike or anything to make up for it. But it was nice enough AND because it didn't take much time it gave us a chance to go to the Botanical Garden which was lovely. I love our Japanese garden here in Portland and this is the only garden I've been to that I could make the argument for being better. 

It was stunning. So many things to see. Quite the hike around the grounds as well. And when the woman in the gift shop asked about bug spray when we bought our tickets we should have said yes please. See, I brought bug spray for our flume trip, thinking that a water trip through the rainforest was probably a mosquito banquet, but a garden in a rainforest? Didn't even cross my mind. Because I'm slow. So we didn't get bug spray and Brent left with one mosquito bite on the back of his leg. 

After the garden we headed back to the other side of the island to wait for our ride for the evening. Sunset and stargazing on Mauna Kea. 

Temperature at the summit before sunset was 30. With wind gusts that moved me. After sunset it was mid 20s right quick. The tour company provided parkas. 

So many observatories. They opened as the sun set. 

The sunset was simply stunning.

And then there was the stargazing...

Okay, so I told you how much I love to snorkel. And I had a great time even with the seasickness. But if you do one thing on the Big Island I am telling you do this. I cannot even describe it completely. And as I am just a point and shooter with a simple camera I couldn't even take a picture to show you. But there was a lot of "wow...." "amazing...." "incredible" going on! When I was younger I would go to camp in the mountains of New Mexico. No cities so no extra light. We saw a lot of stars. But I have never ever seen anything like this. It practically gave you vertigo there was so much depth there. And the tour company had high powered telescopes so we saw other galaxies and the Crab Nebula and Jupiter with four of its moons. I cannot even tell you how incredible it was. It made me feel small and large at the same time. I thought of my friend Rex who could have done justice to the view I had of the Milky Way and not only Orion's belt and dagger but his bow! I saw Leo clearly and Taurus' red eye. I saw three shooting stars and Brent watched 2 satellites cross the sky. I thought of Chad and N and how much they would LOVE to be there. It was incredible. Don't skip this if you go to the Big Island. 

 The next day was Flumin' Kohalo. It was fun. Not super exciting, don't think you are going to be riding the rapids, but it was something you couldn't do anyplace else. This is where I discovered something was wrong with the underwater camera. I had checked on pictures the day before to see if they came out and all was fine. Then when we got to the Flume the battery was dying. At first we thought it was because we used it all up snorkeling and just should have charged it. Found out later the seal had busted and salt water and batteries are not a good mix. So I only got a couple of shots of the flume.

Things that amuse only me...It's like a minion. A minion named Kev.

Also the fact that insurance required us all to wear these flotation devices in 2 feet of water...

We look kind of beat here but really we are just a little bored. When you are the type of people that get places on time it's boring waiting for those that are always late.

Above the flume carrying the irrigation water. 

In one of the 10 tunnels. Brent had to paddle. I felt badly for him. He always has to drive while I look around at the cool stuff.  I did offer to switch but he said no. 

The next day we had our helicopter tour of the island. My thought was this was a good way to make sure we didn't miss anything. Since I was only lightly scheduling our time. LIGHTLY!

Staring in to the sun...

See that??? That's HOT LAVA!

And gorgeous waterfalls and cliffs as well.

Then we headed back to change for our re-scheduled evening snorkel trip. Which got cancelled as we were driving there. The water was just too rough. I felt horrible. It was the number one thing we were both looking forward to on this trip and my seasickness screwed it up. Then today I looked online and found out that the trip we were going to take had been cancelled as well. So I don't feel as personally responsible. Still bummed, but nothing would have changed if I hadn't gotten sick so not as bad. 

The last day we took a pre-breakfast walk to soak up the last bit of the island before we had to head home. 

Waves crashing..

Whale spouting...

Turtle swimming...

Plane leaving...

Gourmet eating...

And off we went. I, of course, have hundreds more pictures which I will post on Facebook later. But this is a good sample. We had a great time. Saw some incredible things. Got in some snorkeling, some hiking, saw some beautiful sites, ate some great food and came home happy, relaxed and with just a touch of dengue fever for Brent...

He's fine now. Seems the first time you get it is the easy one. We won't be skipping bug spray ever again though!

Aloha...and mahalo!

Promises in the dark...

She was incredibly shy.

The sort of woman who never made eye contact. When he spoke with her she always looked slightly to the side or to the ground.

She was the type of woman who covered her mouth when she laughed. And she never laughed too loudly.

As if her happiness was something to be kept under wraps.

She never held his hand in public. She would walk beside him.

Quiet and content. But she was never one to show her affections to others.

They always made love in the dark. The curtains drawn. The lights all out.

And in the dark she became another woman.

Ravenous.

Sensual.

Greedy.

Her hands seeking out his body. Her mouth following. Touching him everywhere. Loving him in every way. Covering him with her body. Leaving him dizzy with her need.

He believed that that darkness freed to her to be someone else. Someone who loved to be seen. To be touched. To be adored. The darkness gave her that. Freedom.

What he never knew was that she wouldn't pretend to be someone else in the dark.

She would pretend that he was.

Promises Made (Part 8)...

"Oh my god, Greg, you are such an asshole."

"I know. Look, I know, I just..."

"You just couldn't help it? You just wanted to make sure? You just what? Dude, you're an asshole. There is no other way to put it. Now get your shit and get out. And don't ever fucking text me again."

Looking back maybe telling Janice that he couldn't see her anymore should have happened before they had sex, but Helena was out of town, and Janice was all over him as soon as he got to her apartment. Okay, he probably could have handled it better. Maybe by phone or even text. But that seemed really cold. They had been hooking up for the past year. But that's all it was, he really didn't think she would take it so personally.

Okay, yeah, he was an asshole. But at least it was done and Helena never needed to know about it. And Janice was right, deleting her number was a good idea. And Ruth's. And Gloria's. He should probably just go through his contact list and do a lot of deleting actually. Because Janice was right about one thing, okay two things if you count the asshole part, he was making sure in his own way. He really needed to see if things with Helena really were that much better than with anyone else. And it was. It was like night and day. Janice was lovely and they had always had a lot of fun, but Helena was so much more than that. The way he felt when he and Helena made love, well, that was it right? He and Janice had had a lot of sex. A lot. But when it was Helena, it was more than that. There was a physical connection that couldn't be beat, for sure, but there was more. It was like their hearts were tied together as well. It was deeper.

And now he knew it was better. It wasn't just his imagination, it was really good. It was all good.

...........

His cab pulled up in front of Helena's building. She was back in town and he couldn't wait to see her. He felt like a new man. A one woman man from here on out. A man who had the world on a string. A man who was...

The laughter made him pause.

Edward Newsome was sitting up staring at him. And not just staring but laughing at him. It was unnerving. The laughter itself, which was bordering on maniacal. And the way he was looking at Greg. And now pointing at him. One hand over his heart and one hand pointing at Greg. Laughing.

"What are you laughing at?"

With one last burst of laughter Edward's eyes rolled back and he slumped against the wall. Greg started to walk over to him to make sure he was okay when Edward started singing. This time it was Katy Perry. Well at least his musical tastes were jumping decades. It was still unsettling but at least it was more normal, or at least as normal as Edward got. Greg made his way in to the building while Edward kept singing.

"Good evening, Greg. I will call up and let her know you are here."

"Thank you, Charles, I mean Terry. And ummm, I think something might be going on with our friend Edward out there. He's acting even weirder than normal."

Terry raised his eyebrows at Greg, showing concern for Edward's well being wasn't something he expected from this one. "I'll check on him and call his sister to come bring him home."

Terry spoke on the phone for a moment then turned back to Greg, "Go on up. She's waiting for you."

As Greg got on the elevator he heard Terry open the front door and then heard Edward's voice ring out clearly, "...there's no going back..." Greg pressed the door close button and tried to ignore the noise.

The elevator opened on Helena's apartment and the first thing Greg saw was the giant painting of Cupid from the Angels and Demons exhibit. It was now hanging on Helena's foyer wall like it had always been there. He stood and stared at it for a moment. It really was an impressive look. Strong, solid, holding his bow. He didn't look like a sweet little cherub, he looked like a warrior with wings.

"All is fair in love and war." Helena spoke in to his ear.

Greg startled, he had been so absorbed in the painting he hadn't noticed Helena come stand next to him. "What?"

"All is fair in love and war. That's what I think when I see this painting. People use that expression wrong, you know. It was first used to describe Cupid. See, he is love and war. The child of love and war. And he contained all of that inside himself. Love and war are closely tied. The passions that drive both. Cupid cause a lot of damage for many years because he mixed the two so often. It was Psyche who tempered him. Even after Jupiter gave her the ambrosia to make her immortal she still had her human side. Her humanity calmed Cupid and made him realize how fragile the lives he was dealing with really were. Their love story became a love story for all humanity. Because without Psyche, Cupid would have continued raging war. All is fair in love and war."

Helena smiled at Greg, "Enough with the art lecture..."

Greg looked at the painting again, "How did you get this?"

"It's mine. I lent it to the museum for their exhibition and they've returned it along with a few other pieces." She gestured around the apartment and Greg noticed a few more of the paintings and sculptures that he had last seen in the museum. "No wonder you knew so much about them."

"Yes, they've been in the family for generations. Now, I've been gone for over a week and you haven't even kissed me hello, what is up with that?" Helena teased.

Greg smiled and bent down to kiss her. Maybe they would be late for dinner. Their lips touched and she raised her hand and placed it on his chest. He leaned in to deepen the kiss and...

Helena pulled back from him and placed her finger tips on her lower lip. She pulled them away and looked at them running her thumb from finger to finger.

"Did I smear your lipstick?" Greg asked.

Helena's forehead crinkled for a moment then smoothed out. She took Greg by the hand and led him in to the living room. "Did you see this piece? I can't remember if we talked about it."

It was a small sculpture. Three figures, two adults reclining, leaning against each other with a small child in front of them. The adults watching the child. There was love on their faces. You could almost feel it. Just from a sculpture. "This is amazing. A family right?"

Helena turned the piece slightly so Greg could see the wings of the adult male folded against his back. "Cupid and Psyche had a daughter. Hedone. Her grandmother called her Bliss. She was adored by her family.

Now, Hedone was raised to believe in love. But also in promises. She knew what had happened when her mother had broken her promise to her father. She also knew that though Cupid fought for her, and Psyche fought to redeem herself, that the broken promise always hung over their marriage.
A promise freely given is a powerful thing.

When Hedone was teenager she fell in love with a mortal boy. He was beautiful and she had wanted him very much. She enslaved him. Not on purpose, she didn't know that she could do such a thing. But her want of him overpowered his sense of self. He became consumed with just want of her. When Cupid had discovered Hedone and the boy together he had taken him away from her. He gave the boy a drink of wine and whispered in his ear clearing out the thoughts of only Hedone. Then made Hedone watch as the boy went back home to his fiancee. 'He was already spoken for. You cannot take what is not yours to take. They made vows to each other on my holiest of days.' Hedone thought her father was being cruel, the mortal boy had wanted her, that was real. She had felt it.

Psyche sat down with her daughter and explained how overwhelming it was for a mortal to be faced with a god. It was why her father had made Psyche keep her eyes closed when he came to her. Why he had worked very hard to ensure the promises Psyche had made to him were of her own free will, not just his. Psyche cried while speaking to her daughter and Hedone saw the pain she still felt for breaking the promise so long ago.

Hedone was ashamed of herself for what she had done and as happens sometimes when you are young and ashamed of your own actions she lashed out. She blamed her father for her pain. She swore that she would find someone who would love her. Freely. Without guile. Without using who she was to enchant him. She was worthy. She was more than just Cupid's daughter. She was Psyche's child as well.

She thought of the trials her mother endured to win back her father's affections and decided that she would perform a quest of her own. She would find a mortal who loved her, and only her, who promised himself to her of his own free will. She would show her father that she was worthy of love as her mother was. As he was. And so the legend goes that she walks the world searching. Looking for that perfect love. That abiding promise."

Greg had watched her tell the story, noticing how her eyes flashed, showing the pain of Hedone, showing the passion of Cupid. Helena was a wonderful story teller. "I had never heard that one before."

"Because there isn't a happy ending. The poets only like to tell the sad parts of stories if there is a happy ending. Like Cupid and Psyche, they lived happily ever after so the sad parts aren't so awful."

Greg reached over to hold Helena's hand, "I am all about happily ever after making the sad parts go away."

Helena gave Greg a small smile and pulled her hand away gently, "I told you I had been engaged once right?"

Greg nodded.

"We were really happy. He proposed on Valentine's Day. So cliche right? But it was very romantic. I was so completely in love. It was complete Bliss. For awhile. Edward came home from a weekend trip away..."

"Edward?"

"Oh yes, I believe you've met my former fiancee. Edward Newsome."

Greg swallowed hard. The little hairs on the back of his neck stood up and it felt like the room dropped by 20 degrees.

"Anyway, Edward came home and kissed me hello." with that she put her fingers to her mouth again. "And I could taste her there. Sour. Spoiled. Rotten. He tasted like a broken promise." She ran her thumb over her fingers wiping them off again. Then she looked at Greg and shook her head once, "I should have known better, but you really are just so beautiful."

The last thing he saw was her raising her hand to his chest. Then the world faded to gray.

.......

"Wake up. Come on, rise and shine. It's a brand new world for you."

Greg blinked slowly. He was in the lobby of Helena's building looking up at Terry. Way up at Terry. "Have you always been this big?" Greg asked groggily.

Terry laughed a deep booming laugh, "The effects will fade. You are just seeing me as I am. And it's actually Astraeus. Terry is just easier for most people."

"Astraeus?"

"Astraeus, second generation Titan at your service. Okay, not at your service, I'm actually at the service of Cupid keeping an eye on Hedone so she doesn't cause too much damage, cause a girl like that can cause a lot of damage if you know what I'm saying, and I'm pretty sure you do. And if you don't you will soon." With that Astraeus laughed again.

"Okay, we don't have a lot of time before the effects of her taking back her heart fade so let me tell you the deal. You aren't ever going to recover from this. This is the big heart break of you life. You blew it. I'm just letting you know up front. Oh wait, let me back up to the formalities."

Greg's head was spinning, "Formalities?"

"Yes, did you Greg Atchison freely and without coercion give your promise to Hedone, also known as Helena? Did you look in her eyes, hand to heart and promise her your affections?"

Greg smiled remembering their first night together. "Yes."

"And did you Greg Atchison after swearing your promise to Hedone and renewing your promise multiple times, even multiple times in one day, then break that promise by engaging in a sexual relationship with another? Knowing that such an act was breaking a promise given of your own free will?"

Greg was an asshole. He knew it. "Yes."

"Okay, good, got that out of the way. Look it could be worse, don't get me wrong, promises made are a big deal. Promises made on Valentine's Day carry extra weight. You are in for a few years of grief, but at least you didn't propose on Valentine's Day, am I right?" Astraeus nodded toward the front door where Greg could see Edward leaning against the building laughing that crazy laugh again. "He knows you screwed up. You are tied to him now as well as her."

"Tied?"

"Yeah, see, if you had been the one, if you had given her that happily ever after she has been searching for you would have freed him. Since you didn't he's stuck here waiting. Sort of a warning for anyone who cares to pay attention."

"So, I'm going to be stuck here with him?"

"Oh no, you are going to be stuck at her office building. I think in the mail room. My daughter, Astraea, she's a goddess of justice, Eos and I couldn't be more proud, anyway, Astraea (she goes by Drea right now) will be keeping watch over you. You won't come to any more harm than you've brought on yourself. But your dating life is over. It will be work and well, loneliness for the next decade, maybe two. Unless she finds her true and faithful companion before that then you and the lifer out there will be free to go. If Hedone is happy everyone is happy. Until then that sliver of ice you feel in your heart right now will just continue to cause you pain. That's the piece of her she took back. The piece you will be driven to try and get her to give you again. But you won't be able to. She's done, she'll see you and look right through you at the same time. Torture really. And you won't even really remember why. There will be flashes, you'll know you screwed up. But remembering that she's a direct descendant of Mars? Nah, that's fading even now." Astraeus laughed again.

"You seem really giddy about all of this."

Astraeus gave Greg a cold smile, "Well, Greg, I never really liked you. How hard was it to remember the name Terry? Seriously dude, you're kind of an asshole."

Greg watched as Astraeus began to shrink. Becoming Terry sized again. He shook his head a little to try and clear the cobwebs. What had just happened?

"Feeling better? I've called you a cab."

"Umm, thanks, Terry. I guess I'm okay." Then it all came flooding back to him, he had cheated on Helena and she had found out somehow. She dumped him. Not surprising really. He deserved to be dumped. But how in the world was he ever going to live without her? Without seeing her? He would have to figure out some way to be close to her. To win her back. Maybe if he went to work in her office building. That seemed like a really good idea. Then she would have to see him there. Waiting for her. Always waiting. He promised.

Ferris Wheel Politics...

Taking a small break from finishing Promises Made to write a rant. Sorry, had to be done.


This morning at the gym there were two older guys talking politics. One finally says to the other that; "...I've always said the fairest tax is a sales tax. You get to make the choices then and it's all fair for everyone."

They both agreed and decided they were very smart and should run the world.

I was doing Super Sets so didn't have time to challenge him on his perspective but I so wanted to.

I tell people that the only Fair thing comes with Ferris Wheels and Cotton Candy, because fair (like he meant) is all about where you are standing at the time. His idea that sales tax is fair is fine for one measurement. Sure, if you want to say we would all pay the same percentage on a gallon of milk, then that's fair. Except that percentage of your income is very different so it's not very fair at all.

Taking him at superficial levels he's in a gym on a Monday late morning working out wearing his Big Island Running Club t-shirt. He's late 50s early 60s so his kids are probably grown and out on their own. So his choices are, do I buy the Audi or the BMW? Do I go to Hawaii again or to Mexico? They are fine choices, don't get me wrong, but they are very different than the young family both working full time with young kids who are deciding, Do I pay the power bill on time or the rent? Do I buy a gallon of milk or a gallon of gas?

I've been on both sides of those choices. When Brent and I were first married we both worked full time. He was in the military and I worked retail. Hard work. Lots of hours. Still month left at the end of our money. And we were making significantly less than just he makes now. That sales tax that is so fair in Gym Dude's eye would have hit us much harder than our current selves. You know the upper middle class, working out at the gym mid-morning on a Monday leaving for Hawaii in two weeks, selves. Percentages work that way. Everyone paying the same sales tax percentage and calling that good for our only tax isn't fair if you are on the other side of the Cotton Candy stand.

It's the same argument I have with a few of my younger friends right now. I am not really in favor of free college for everyone. They tell me about it being fair. I think, well, I have two associates degrees, Brent has his MBA, C has his bachelor's degree and none of them were free. So now you are asking me to pay more in taxes so your kids can go to college for free after I already paid for mine? How is that fair? And I don't believe everyone should go to college. I think it's not for some people.

I didn't go to college right out of high school. It would have been wasted on me. I barely made it to class in high school. I went to college in San Diego because I couldn't get a job as a bookkeeper without at least an associates degree. Even though I already had a few years experience it didn't matter. They wanted that piece of paper. So I went through their junior college system which was extraordinarily inexpensive, but I also paid with opportunity costs. See, by going to school full time I wasn't able to work full time so we paid for my college not just in tuition but in the lost income. You better believe I made it to class every day. Because it cost me something to do it. Paying for it made it worth more.

So two things there, one, because getting your associates was so inexpensive a lot of people did it, which actually made the degree worth less in California. I got a job after graduation doing something that I was doing without the degree in other states. Because the degree was so common it wasn't worth as much. Not really fair, right? But that's what happens. If everyone has one it's not worth as much. An associates becomes like a high school diploma. It's just the entry ticket.

Secondly, because I did have to pay for it, I took my schooling more seriously. The kids I was in class with who had mom and dad paying? Who were right out of high school and not giving up income to get that degree? They were much bigger slackers. It wasn't costing them anything to be there and they didn't understand yet, what is was going to cost them to NOT be there. Much like I was in high school.

Do I think college has gotten much too expensive? Considering we just paid off all of C's student loans, please believe that I do. But guess what, I'm not going to get a refund on those so when you talk about raising my taxes to pay for your kid I think, "nope, not fair." I think we need to look and see why those costs are so high. What is driving them? What changes need made?

What do I think we should do? I think we should have some sort of civil service. You give 2-4 years you get 2-4 of schooling. Military, Peace Corps type work either nationally or internationally. At the end of the time you get a voucher that you can use for a two year degree, a four year degree, tech school. Whatever your continuing education goals are. You've worked for it. You've earned it. I'm much more comfortable with my taxes supporting a program like that. It seems a lot more fair to me from where I'm standing.

So you see, fair is all about where you are standing. What we need to do is look for more or less fair. More or less balanced. More or less burden sharing. Benefits and costs need to be weighed and we need to see what is best for most. Which you might not view as fair. Or you might.

My fair isn't your fair.

Pass the Cotton Candy.

Promises Made (Part 7)

Greg woke up suddenly. Heart pounding, thin sheen of sweat across his chest, breathing like he had run a marathon. He had screwed up. He knew it.

When he started pursuing Helena it had been driven with wanting her. He admitted it. He was shallow. He knew it. But he had always known that once he had her then he would grow bored. The chase was his real love. The challenge. The problem was Helena was better than a chase. The woman that had fascinated him before totally enthralled him now.

He had mistaken her reluctance to have a relationship, a physical relationship, with lack of need. He had taken her past history, four serious relationships before him. He was the fifth and only her fourth sexual partner. He had taken that history to mean she wasn't as sexually driven as he was. But he was so wrong. After that first night the flood gates had opened and he had realized that though he had had more sexual partners in his lifetime he had never had better sex. She did things to him that he had never experienced. An orgasm with Helena wasn't a fleeting few seconds at the end of a groping session, it was like falling over a waterfall and in to a pool of deep warm sea water where you crashed with exhilaration and then floated on a peaceful wave right up until it all started again. She loved sex in the morning, at night, and one memorable Saturday five times in between. The woman who had barely held his hand in public before now took him to dark corners of bars and teased him until he couldn't wait to get her home.

But it wasn't just the sex. Though the sex was incredible. It was her. She had completely opened up to him now. They could talk about everything. And they did. He took her to the Angels and Demons exhibit when it opened and she shared all of the art history she knew. And she knew a lot. She talked about the artists, what drove them, what shaped them, she talked about the paintings and the way the church had tried, sometimes successfully, sometimes not, to get the deities of the past diminished so their vision of one god could shine. Though it never quite worked out. The gods of the past were always lurking. That painting of Mary, see how she poses? Now look at this painting of Venus, see how they match? Mary is now the mother of the Christ, but was she really Venus the goddess of love? Helena wove stories of artists and their visions. How they could see what was there, and what might have been there, and what should have been there. He could listen to her talk all day. Especially about the old Greek and Roman myths. She would tell him stories that were filled with little details that made learning about them all over again so much more interesting than anything he could recall from school.

The talked about money. About investments. She was building a portfolio of real estate holdings. She owned her own office building. Not many people realized how incredibly well off she was. She sat on the board of three different charitable organizations. Things he had never realized about her. She was so young to have been so successful. Though she admitted she came from old money so had a head start. Normally that would have made him feel small somehow. Like he hadn't done enough, but instead it made him feel proud. That this incredible woman had chosen him. And then shared with him. Told him who she was.

The nights they spent together she would fall asleep, head on his chest, her hand over his heart, their breathing deepening and matching, and as they would drift off he would think to himself how lucky he was. And in the morning? When the sheets would have drifted off of her, when he could see the line of her body? The wave curved from shoulder to hip? The swell of her backside as she snuggled up against him for a few more minutes before rolling over her mouth seeking his...his erection responding to just the thought.

"hmmm....morning, lover, I see you slept well."

Greg looked over at his bed mate Janice.

He had screwed up. He knew it.

Promises Made (Part 6)...

Tina's phone rang, "Edward Newsome."

She laughed, "Hello, Kyle. Yes I know, Edward Newsome. Greg already told me."

"Greg knows? How did he take it?"

"I guess just like you since he called me right away to tell me. He is sort of fascinated I think."

"Fascinated? Not freaked out?"

"Maybe a little. Like how could that happen sort of thing, I guess."

"I think it's obvious how it happened. Is he raging jealous?"

"Jealous? Why in the world would he be jealous?"

"Come on! He got all aggro with me and Al the other day for pretty innocent comments..."

"So you think just the proximity to Helena would make him jealous?"

"Proximity? I guess that's one way to say it. They've been in proximity of each other."

"I don't know how else you would put it."

"So the dude freaks out when I joke about bringing pillows and is fascinated by a guy who buys her a building for an engagement gift. Okay, makes perfect sense."

"Wait! What are you talking about?"

"Edward Newsome. We are talking about Edward Newsome. You said Greg called you when he found out."

"When he found out that the crazy homeless guy who sits outside Helena's building all the time is Edward Newsome."

"Wait, what?"

"Yeah, exactly. Wait, what? Let's start over. You tell me your news. Edward Newsome gave Helena a building when she was engaged?"

"When they were engaged."

"Oh."

"Yeah. Oh. Okay, here we go. I feel in to a Google loop. I was reading a story about downtown renovations and at the end of a story on the economic impact there was a linked story about a renovation of an older building in to a multi-use facility and at the end of that story was a link to a story about Edward Newsome's engagement news. And BOOM! There they are. Edward and Helena at some charity event, Helena rocking a giant ring and beaming up at him. He gave her a building to celebrate. Made the joke that diamonds might be a girl's best friend but real estate held its value better."

"Wow. So her mystery fiance was Edward Newsome. Damn. Now that you say it I remember her talking about Eddie. She moved here to be closer to him. But when they broke up she never mentioned him, never wanted to talk about him. Nothing. The only thing she said was that he had an issue with keeping promises."

"Yeah, that's one way to put it. I dug a little bit after that and found a gossipy piece about the break up. Seems he was got caught with his hand in the company cookie jar. A cookie jar who worked in commercial properties. Helena found out and dumped him. Sold the ring and donated the money to the art museum and kept the building."

"Wow."

"Yeah, wow. Now tell me about the crazy homeless guy."

"So it seems that there is this guy that sits outside of Helena's building all the time. Greg found out from Terry that he isn't just some random homeless guy, but Edward Newsome."

"Wow."

"Yeah. Wow."

"You know Greg's going to really freak out when he finds out that he's not only not a homeless guy but he's Helena's ex right?"

"Yeah."

"When are you telling him?"

Tina laughed. "I don't think I am. I think I will leave that to Helena."