Standing When You'd Rather Sit...

Last night I went in to my Facebook messages and read all of them that Kevin and I had exchanged over the years. There weren't many on his current account. A swapping of phone numbers. A check in to make sure everything was okay. But then I went to his old account. And the last exchange on it was a tense one. 

I'm not sure what he posted on his wall to trigger it, but apparently I had taken offense and snapped back at the post. I can tell you it was a meme. Because part of our discussion was that he didn't find it offensive and it was just a meme. BUT...he had taken it down because it had bothered me. And then he sent me a long message that was part apology, part defense, part anger, and all love. It was Kevin.

I replied that it was fine that he was angry with me. But that I had made a promise to myself that I wasn't going to let things like that (wish I could remember what "that" was) slide. Even when it was hard. And how much harder it was to say something to family than it was to anyone else. 

Because that's who he was. Family. I used to tell him he was one of mine. That's what I tell my people. You are one of mine. You might not have come from me physically, but you are part of me now. And he would say it back. That we were his. He opened it to me and Brent and Katie and the kitties. We were his. He would always have my back. We were part of our own family. Degenerate or Wanderer or Escapee from the boards. We (and so many others of us) had somehow found each other and we were now tied. 

But that exchange was the last one on that account. If you were to stumble on it you would think it ended the friendship. That we never recovered. 

He lost control of his account shortly thereafter. Somehow logged himself out and couldn't remember the password or the email account that the password was tied to. After a few weeks trying to get back in to his account he gave up and started over. 

Even, obviously, knowing all of that it gave me pause last night as I read that last exchange. The cap to a few years of messages. I was grateful on one hand that I hadn't ever deleted the message. I was grateful I hadn't unfriended the old account since I knew it wasn't active anymore. I had even thought about it once, clearing it out since I knew it was a ghost account, but I didn't. I wanted to keep access to it incase I wanted to find a post or exchange. I'm glad I had it. 

But it also made me feel so sad. Because as some of you know, I've talked about it before, there is another account out there that the last messages we exchanged were tense. But there was no recovery point. There was no reconciliation. There was no coming back together. Death separates both of those people from me. With Kevin I grieve the recent loss, with Rex I lost him long before he died. 

Looking back I had to think for a moment if I would change what I did. If I would, knowing the Kevin would be gone if just a few short years, if I still would have called him out on the meme. And I would have. I promised myself, afterall. 

With Rex the last fight was about how he was killing himself and I wouldn't stick around to watch and I sure as fuck wouldn't send him the money to do it. Would I still have sent that message? Still have had that fight? 

Yeah, I would have. 

I'd done the more supportive how can I help? I'd done the I'll listen but I'm not sending money. It had just progressed. I knew where that road ended and I could either stay silent while he walked it or try and get him to change course. Even though you cannot want someone's sobriety for them more than they want it for themselves. It doesn't work. 

But I still had to say something. 

Standing up to the people who are important to you is much harder than shouting at strangers. Because it matters. What they think of you matters. What you think of them matters. What the cost to the relationship could be matters. If it's someone you either don't know, or don't care that deeply about it's easy. You know cutting and running is always an option.

When Kevin sent me the message about deleting the meme, tucked in there he said he'd understand if after reading all that he sent I wanted to dump him. He knew the potential cost for standing up for what he felt. He just forgot for a moment that he was one of mine, and this was just a disagreement. He didn't have to agree with me. He never had to agree with me. He just needed to understand that if I felt he was wrong I was going to say something. 

It was a hard discussion but we made it through just fine. And as you can tell by me not remembering what it was that he posted, what it was that I said to him on that post to get the reaction I did, and that I wouldn't have been able to tell you that message was even in our DMs, it ended up not mattering at all in the course of our friendship. 

Except of course it did matter. 

It always matters that you stand up for what you believe. Even when you'd rather sit it out.