Phantom Pain...

She hadn't remembered. That's the first thing that struck her. She hadn't even thought about it. She thought about the years when she would dread it as the day got closer and closer and she could feel the weight of anger and sadness start to take over. And then there were the years where it had snuck up on her. She was fine and then she would write out the date and remember. Oh. 

But this year? She almost made it the whole day without thinking about it. Almost. It was finally there at the end. Some small part of her mind told her, hey, you know what today is right?

Oh yeah. It is. 

And she thought about it. Thought for a second that she was going to get mad or sad all over again. As she had before but...

No.

She could remember it. The anger. The sadness. The feeling of being betrayed. But that's all it was. The memory of the feeling. Not the feeling. Not anymore.

It had been like a sore tooth. She had poked at it with her tongue. Not being able to leave it alone. Feeling the pain, swearing she wouldn't do it again, but she would. Then having the offending tooth pulled and her tongue still searching out that space. That sore spot. Until eventually the pain was gone but by habit her tongue would return again and again to the same space. A nervous habit without any remembrance of the pain. And then one day she didn't do it anymore. The missing tooth was just part of who she was. No need to poke at it. 

She had been so angry. She had been sad as well. But anger. There was so much anger. 

It took her awhile to reflect. 

She had known it was coming. She had known eventually she would have to deal with it, but when it happened? She had felt betrayed. Blindsided. He hadn't considered her at all. And that was what hurt. What made her furious. 

What fueled her life for a longer time than she would like to admit. 

She had realized that for so long she had still thought of what he might feel before she did something. Even though there was no reason to. No real reason to. But she had. Until then. 

Then she used it. He didn't think about me so...

So she cut her hair. Even though he liked it long. Why did she care that he liked it long? He didn't care about her. 

She toured Europe. Even though it was his dream vacation. Why did she care if he had always wanted to do what she was doing? He didn't care about her. 

She bought new clothes.
She bought a new car.
She got a new job. 
She got a new life.

And eventually she didn't think about what he wanted, what he liked, what he cared about. 

She cared.

And that was enough. 

Maybe eventually she wouldn't remember at all. The day would pass and it would be weeks before she thought of it. Realizing that she had missed the day. 

Maybe. 

But for now the memory of the pain was still there. But the pain was gone. The old rotted tooth had been pulled and she had healed.