I haven't had this few blog posts since 2016. Now to be fair I still have three months left this year so I could suddenly get prolific and end up in a more normal territory.
Today while I was looking at numbers and saw the low 2016 number I thought...was that the year I was depressed all year just dying for a manic swing? And yeah, that was it. I read my birthday blog from that year (which would have been written before the election but during the season) and the deep frustration I had with how people didn't pay attention to facts anymore. Man, I had no idea that those would soon be the good old days.
That now we have separate sets of "facts" for everyone.
Today, for instance, I read about a lawsuit being dismissed because anyone should know that Tucker Carlson doesn't deal in facts on his TV show. Well, I would argue with you that most of the people, if not all of the people, who watch Tucker Carlson think he's dealing in facts. The rest of us know he's dealing in manufactured outrage, but his viewers? They believe him. It reminded me of when Alex Jones told a judge that he plays a part on his show. That it wasn't real. He was acting. And I thought, well there goes his following. AND IT DIDN'T CHANGE! He admitted that he was spewing bullshit and the people who watch and listen were like, that's fine.
I don't get it.
I'm also feeling really on edge right now. I wrote about it when I wrote about RBG dying. It just all feels like we've passed the point where we can affect change. Like if she had been able to hold on and Biden won and the Senate went blue and the House stayed blue, then maybe, just maybe we could have pulled it back from the death spiral. But any one of those things not happening and we were either going to spin in place or go up in flames. I've been worried about Trump winning again (see above where people of that ilk don't fucking care about facts). I've been worried about the Senate (the odds are really tight there) and I was praying to every possible deity around that RBG would hold on. Now? Now it feels like I should just check my bank account, buy a gun and hole up with my new mixer, and bake my way to an early death.
Breonna Taylor got no justice. I didn't think she would. I'm always completely surprised when an officer is held responsible. They have manipulated the laws so thoroughly that it's pretty much impossible to charge them, let alone find them guilty. But it does seem especially galling that the only charges that happened were from shooting a wall. Like spitting on her grave.
Brent and I were talking about it at breakfast this morning and I said that I shouldn't have been surprised. That conservative branch has a real thing about protecting walls. I mean most of what they deemed "violence" and "riot" here in Portland has been spray painting walls. I had no idea you could be violent to a wall, Then I said, they should be the party of walls and as it came out of my mouth I realized what I was saying...Oh yeah. They've been upfront for the past 5 or 6 years that they love a wall much more than they care about people who aren't white. All white walls matter.
Which did not make me feel better.
Right after RBG died friends of mine did a flurry of groups and added me to a ton of them. There are so many activist groups out there. Which should give me hope, but instead it completely overwhelmed me. Like if there are so many of us that know what is happening is bat shit fucking crazy and deeply wrong then why is it still happening? Which my inner nerd voice said, almost 3 million more votes. Oh yeah, there has always been a plurality of people who know what the right thing is, they've just had their voices drowned out by dirty political shenanigans.
Which then again put me right back at the despair spiral.
It's really hard. Part of me feels like just unplugging. No more news. No more social media. No more information. I know what I'm doing in November. I know the Republicans will do everything they can to cast doubt and shadow on this election. I know that there is nothing that can be done to prevent the uber conservative tilt of the Supreme Court. I know that's all going to happen and why watch?
Then there is the part of me that realizes what an extremely soft candy ass position that is to take. It's hard and I don't want to...
Bah.
So...
I'll keep doing what I can. Which is write. These blogs, posts on my account, thinking things through and sharing those thoughts. It might not make a difference, but then again it might.
I'll keep doing what I can. Which is donate. I can send money to organizations fighting for the things I believe in. It might not make a difference, but then again it might.
I'll keep doing what I can. Move forward without getting bogged down. It means not being part of a bunch of groups because I can't deal with that much wound up energy coming my way. It means not fighting with people who aren't looking for a discussion, just an argument. It means stepping in to say something when it really needs to be said but otherwise holding my tongue. It might not make a difference, but then again it might.
I'll keep doing what I can. Reading. Learning. Expanding my own knowledge base and understanding of what it is like for people who aren't like me. People who can't just shut it all down and pretend the world isn't what it is. People who deal with much worse shit than a bad case of the I don't want tos. This one I know does make a difference. Every time I learn something new I become a better version of myself. Every time I learn something new I can share it with others and help them learn something new as well. It does make a difference.
So here we are...we keep doing what we can and seeing what makes a difference. We keep trying.
And we wear our fucking masks!
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