The Firsts Are the Worst and the Ninths Are Only Kind Of Better....

It's Mom's birthday.

It's the anniversary of Dad's death.

I found a way to make those blend better in my head when Mom died on Kelsey's birthday.

But it still sucks.

This year it really sucks.

It's the first of her birthdays without her. There was the email from the flower company reminding me to order her flowers. There was the On This Day a couple of days ago from last year where I almost forgot to get her flowers set up and was grateful for expedited delivery. And then there is the day.

It's funny, Facebook hides the posts from the actual day my father died. So I have my On This Day memory cycle and that year is missing. Like if they hide it I won't remember? I didn't do it. You can do that if you want. You can filter out dates or people you have tagged, but I didn't make that choice, they just did it for me. How nice...I guess like the Trump theory that if we stop testing for Coronavirus we won't have any new cases, if I don't see when I posted that Dad died he's still alive?

And of course this year it really sucks because we are still reeling from Ann's death. It hasn't even been a month yet. We are still stuck at the mercy of New Mexico waiting for the death certificate. We found out today that the person we had been working with at the funeral home left and somehow nobody picked up his clients. So maybe now we will get the certificate and be able to keep moving forward.

So yeah. This year, the first is the worst as is to be expected, but it's just so much worse than I was actually expecting.

I've played way too much Toon Blast. I think I mentioned that I figured out it's a good tell for when I'm depressed. Matching games in general, not just that one. But I delete it from my phone so I don't play mindlessly unless that's what I really want. Just mindless. This weekend I hit that point. I'm full of grief. Which makes sense. I mean, I know it does. We lost my mom within the year. I lost two friends in the weeks before we lost Ann. The whole freaking world is fighting a virus and the US is maybe finally starting to deal with its original sin and that's, of course, a huge emotional toll. The personal and the world and the country pain is all blended.

And today is the anniversary of Dad's death and Mom's birthday.

The fact that I'm sitting upright is a huge win, I think.

The firsts are the worst.