Driving down the freeway in New Mexico last week...
"I know it's awful to say, and I wish I didn't feel this way, but I'm really mad at your mother."
And I am. That's not all I am, but it is part of what I am.
We last talked to Ann on Mother's Day. We had talked to her a few weeks before that, just checking in when the pandemic hit. That first conversation after hanging up Brent and I agreed that she wasn't really aware of the changes just yet. She was on her way to dinner (things hadn't completely shut down yet) and then the grocery store. We had already experienced our first pandemic bare shelves grocery run and tried to warn her. She was pretty sure it wouldn't be that bad.
When we talked to her on Mother's Day she said that she had been surprised at the shortages in the store. We also talked about how the shut down wasn't really all that bad for all of us. She was a loner as well and had retired last October so staying in and staying by herself wasn't difficult. Then she said that her massage therapist was seeing clients out of her house and she had gotten a massage the day before and that was great and that her hair stylist had come to her house and given her a cut so that was nice as well.
Brent and I stared at each other for a moment (when we talked to her we would put it on speaker phone) and then I couldn't help it, I said that I didn't think that was a good idea. I said I couldn't imagine how to safely give a massage right now (I used to be a therapist and had actually spent some time trying to figure out how I would practice during a pandemic if I was still in practice). I tried really hard not to sound shocked, but I am sure the tone came out in my voice. She was 71 years old, a diabetic and a heavy smoker. She was the prime demographic for this being something to take seriously. We wrapped up the conversation and said our I love yous (thank goodness) and I told Brent "I don't think she's taking this seriously enough." And he agreed but there wasn't really anything we could do to make her take it seriously. She was a nurse before she was a counsellor and she was going to treat it the way she was going to treat it and that was that.
That was May 10th. The rest of this I am recreating through text messages and talking with other people.
On the 15th she rescheduled her next massage appointment. Her cat was going to be at the vet and she didn't know if she'd be able to make it out to Tijeras. On the 16th her massage therapist pushed her off again for her own scheduling. Then on the 17th Ann cancelled her appointment because she wasn't feeling well, nothing major, just not feeling well. On the 19th she said she had flu like symptoms. On the 20th she said she was pretty sure she had Covid 19. She listed out her symptoms (breathing, fever, body aches, gastrointestinal issues, lack of taste) and yeah, it lines up that she had Covid.
On the 26th she texted her friend and said she needed help. She was too sick to go to the store and was out of groceries and cat food. On Wednesday her friend (the massage therapist) brought her stuff to her. She said she was really pale, and clearly sick but that Ann didn't want to go to the doctor. She was just going to handle it herself. Wednesday night she stopped answering text messages and phone calls.
Her friend tried to get the police to do a wellness check on her but they said she had given them the wrong address and so weren't able to do it. This part makes zero sense to me, because they didn't call her and say, hey you gave us the wrong address where do you want us to check, they just made a note and didn't follow up until she called them back. When she checked with them and found out that they hadn't made contact with Ann she went to the house and with the property manager found a way to break in. That's when she found Ann's body. That was Friday the 29th.
Looking at the condition of the house and when she stopped answering her phone and her texts I think she died Wednesday night. Her dinner plate was next to the sink with part of her meal gone and the rest left on the plate. Her phone was in the living room by her chair and not in the bedroom plugged in to charge for the night. So sometime after her friend was there but before she would have gone to bed for the night. That's my guess. So the wellness check from the police probably wouldn't have mattered and all we would have had was a door busted down that needed repaired. It's probably a good thing they went to the wrong house. Probably.
But we'll never really know. I would guess the date of death will be the 29th since that's when they found her and the official cause will be natural causes, even though I'm pretty sure, and so was she, that was Covid 19. But the medical examiner let us know that if we wanted an autopsy it would be a long delay, and honestly at the time he was telling us that we were still in shock and probably shouldn't have been making those decisions, but it is what it is. There will be a lot of those cases, so keep that in mind when idiots try to explain to you that Covid is being over counted, or that it's not that deadly.
And again as I mentioned she was a 71 year old smoker with diabetes, so there are your pre-existing conditions that everyone wants to discount the deaths with. When sorting through her paperwork I saw her note from the doctor for her January physical. Blood sugar levels looked good. They were really pleased with her overall health and were optimistic that the medication change they were trying was going to do even more good. So yeah, she had pre-existing conditions but I've been consistent in this, and I will say it again, anyone who thinks that just because someone is older or unhealthy in some other way it makes it fine that they die, Fuck you.
But yes, I am angry with her too. I'm angry that she didn't go to the doctor. I'm angry that she didn't call us and tell us she was sick. Now, I know that she didn't because she didn't want us to worry and she didn't want us to nag her to go to the doctor. She was incredibly stubborn. Was sure she knew best about pretty much everything, but especially health things. But still...
And then there is the guilt that goes with it. Would she have called us if I hadn't said anything about her massage not being a good idea? If I had kept my mouth shut would she have felt like she could tell us she was sick without the risk of an I told you so?
I've talked before about our relationship with Brent's parents. It was complicated from the start. We worked really hard to make sure there was a relationship. And even though we worked at it and it was pretty good by the end it was always a little tenuous. Brent is dealing with his own guilt right now wondering if he had done something different would she have called. And would it have made a difference?
And we will never know.
We will never know exactly when she died.
We will never know exactly why she didn't call us.
We will never know exactly why she didn't call for medical help.
We will never know if that would have even made a difference or if she just would have died in a hospital, surrounded by strangers, racking up major bills instead of quickly at home.
We will never know.
And I'm a little angry about that.
And feeling a lot of guilt as well.
Which is normal. I know. I'm still working through patches of guilt from my mom's death so we will just add this to mix. All we can do is say that we will never know. And try to find peace with that.
And I will work to convince Brent that he has nothing to feel guilty over as well, which is so much easier to do because I believe that part.
As for my part? I will never know.
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