Recall Notice...

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

He read the email again. Weirdest damn thing ever. Then he deleted it and went on with his day.

An hour later his phone buzzed. Text message.

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience.”

What the hell? The return number was blocked. No way to reply. One of his friends was messing with his head; had to be.

Knock at the door. Postal worker with a registered letter.

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

This was a lot of work to go to for a joke. He knew then that is was his buddy Al. Al was always up for a prank and no set up was too much.

He sent him a text. “Good one. You had me going for a minute.”

The reply came: “That’s what she said.”

Then the next: “But what are you talking about?”

So not Al. He would own up to any joke as soon as he was found out. Taking credit was part of the joy.

How could his soul have a defect? What does that even mean? And how could it be recalled? That wasn’t possible. Right?

He stopped himself. Really? Really, Ed? You are believing this now? Come on…

He called his girlfriend.

“I had the weirdest thing happen today…” He told her about the email, the text, the letter. She would make him feel better. “Defective soul. Crazy right?”

There was a pause.

“Well…I can sort of see it.”

“What? You can sort of see that I have a defective soul? What the fuck, Julie?”

“Well, you never cry. Like ever. Not at Titanic. Not at The Notebook, not even at Brian’s Song and every dude cries at Brian’s Song.”

“Not crying doesn’t mean I have a defective soul. It just means I don’t like to cry in public. Damn, Julie, that’s harsh.”

“Sorry, I’m just saying it doesn’t seem that far out to me. Can they fix it?”

“Swear to god, Julie, you are pissing me off. I cannot have this conversation with you. I will talk to you later.”

And with that he hung up. So he didn’t cry at movies, what the hell, that didn’t mean anything. He cried. He cried when…he thought for a little bit. He knew he cried when his dog died. Or at least he felt like he had. But now that he was thinking about it he hadn’t really. He had been sad. Or at least he felt like he knew he should be sad. No! He had been sad! Julie was just messing with his head now. His soul was perfectly fine.

He called his mother. She would make him feel better.

“Oh my…”

“Oh my? That’s all you have to say? Oh my?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing. I mean it’s probably a joke. It seems a little late for them to be noticing a defect now.”

“Noticing it now? As in you think it’s always been there?”

“Now, don’t get so worked up, Edward. You know how you are when your temper flares.”

“How I am? I’m fine! I don’t have a temper problem.”

“Of course you don’t, darling, of course you don’t. The letter didn’t say anything about what caused it did it? I mean, I only had the one glass of wine while I was pregnant with you, I’m sure that couldn’t have been it, right?”

“Jesus, Mother! You are worried if this is your fault now?”

“Parents always worry if what their children suffer from is their fault. But your brother and sister are just fine so I am sure it’s nothing I did. I’ve got to get going, I need to get dinner started. You know how your father is when he’s hungry. Hmmm…maybe I should ask him if he got a letter. Bye, darling, love you.”

He couldn’t believe it. First Julie and now his mother? What the hell was wrong with people.

His phone rang.

Unknown number.

He ignored it.

It rang again.

He sent it directly to voice mail.

It rang again.

Fine. He answered it.

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

“Look! Whoever you are, this isn’t funny anymore.”

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

“I’m not kidding! This isn’t funny! I am going to report you to the authorities! This is harassment!”

“We are the authorities, Edward.”

He froze. Gooseflesh crept up his arms. He shivered.

“Edward.”

“Yes?”

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

It wasn’t a joke. They were taking his soul.

“Wh…” he paused and cleared his throat, “When?”

“Please be advised that a representative for the All Souls, Inc. firm will be arriving within the next…”

The was a knock at the door.

“Edward?”

“Yes?”

“Answer the door.”

He hung up the phone and opened the door. A man and a woman in matching business suits stood on his threshold. The man handed him business card and the woman said:

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Ed tried to keep his cool.

“Yeah, I got that part. Thanks.”

They walked in to his apartment and sat on the couch.

“Please take a seat. We have some paperwork to review.”

Of course there would be paperwork. He had never seen a recall notice that didn’t include paperwork.

He started to read through the sheets as they handed them to him pointing out spaces where he would need to initial.

Standard legalese. He acknowledged being notified of the recall. He agreed to limit disputes to arbitration in a neutral court. He understood the risks involved in soul replacement.

“Wait, what risks?”

“Every procedure involves certain risks. This is nothing more than what you signed when you had your tonsils taken out.”

“My tonsils are not the same as my soul. And what do you mean taken out? You are taking my soul? Can’t you just install a patch or something?”

“A patch? To fix a defect? Like we are Microsoft?”

With that they both laughed. Or at least that’s what Ed thought they were doing. It wasn’t a sound like he had heard before.

“No, Edward, we will be taking your soul and replacing it with a new one.”

“A new one? How does that even work? I mean, isn’t my soul me? If you give me a new soul it won’t really be my soul anymore will it?”

The woman cocked her head to the side, “A new soul is more than fair compensation. You are 32 years old. This one has a lot of wear on it.”

“But it’s my wear. That’s my point. A new one won’t be me.”

It was the man’s turn to cock his head now, “If we give you the soul then it is yours. You will be you, after a fashion.”

Ed looked at them both. Heads tilted to the side. Truly puzzled that he might not want their brand new non-defective soul.

“After a fashion? But I like who I am. Is it really that serious of a defect. I mean, it’s not like I’m a mass murderer or anything. I’m no Jeffrey Dahmer. I just don’t cry at Brian’s Song. That’s not that big of a deal, right?”

The woman started tidying up the stacks of paper.

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

“Yes. You keep saying that. That’s your standard answer for everything. I am telling you that I reject your offer and will keep my defective soul, thank you very much.”

This time the man answered. “Jeffrey Dahmer did not have a defective soul.”

“What the fuck? The dude ate people!”

“As that may be…”

“As that may be? What is wrong with you people? You are recalling my soul because I don’t cry at movies and saying his soul was just fine and he FUCKING ATE PEOPLE!”

“That was not our division. Your issue falls in to our division.”

Ed clenched his jaw.

“You two need to leave and you need to tell your boss that I am rejecting his proposal to recall my soul. I will be living with my defective soul, now leave.”

The two exchanged a quick glance and shrugged their shoulders. They gathered their paperwork and stood to leave.

As Ed walked them to the door his phone rang again.

“Tell your people to stop calling me as well. I’m not interested.”

With that he showed the two All Souls, Inc. representatives out and slammed the door before they could tell him about his defective soul one more time.

He sat down on the couch. That’s when he noticed the letter they left behind. He didn’t even want to open it. He knew what it would say.

"I'm sorry, we have uncovered a defect in your soul and are issuing a recall. We apologize for the inconvenience."

Of course. But it went on.

“Due to your refusal of a replacement soul we will no longer be recalling this soul for replacement, repair, and reissue. Please be prepared for a representative of Disposals, LLC a subsidiary of All Souls, Inc. to visit you. Our representative will be arriving…”

There was a knock at the door.