Not my fault...

“I just want to point out that it wasn’t my fault.”

“And I just want to point out that a number of your stories start this way. And usually that ends up being up for debate.”

“But it’s true! It’s not my fault.”

“What did you do?”

“Nothing! That’s my point. I didn’t do anything. It’s not my fault.”

“Okay, fine, it wasn’t your fault. What happened?”

“Okay…so…did you see on the news how they had to evacuate the QFC?”

“OH my god…what?”

“No wait, you’re right, let me back up.”

“I’m not sure that’s the point…”

“Shhh…okay, so you know how I was reading that ‘Life Hack’ article last week and I told you that most of the things in there were just silly.”

“How did you life hack your way in to evacuating the grocery store?”

“Hey! Not my fault remember! I didn’t do anything!”

“Okay…okay…not your fault. So how do we get from life hacks to evacuations and how is it not your fault?”

“Okay, so the life hack thing was all about getting things unstuck that are stuck right? Like lotion on your finger to get a ring off, or that thread trick, which I really don’t get because if the ring is stuck how are you supposed to have room to get the thread under there. I mean if you can put the thread under the ring then it’s not really stuck, there is plenty of room…”

“Focus…”

“Right! So anyway while I was at the store this adorable little kid was pushing one of those little mini-carts they have. He wouldn’t let his mom put any groceries in the little basket though so she was pushing her own cart as well putting stuff in there while he pushed the empty one. It was really cute. I thought about taking a picture but then didn’t because it would be really weird to take a picture of someone else’s child right?”

He raised his eyebrows….

“Okay…Okay! I’m telling you! So anyway…like I was saying…There was this really cute little guy pushing a cart of his own while his mom pushed her own cart. It was super cute. So I’m doing my own thing picking up some cleaning supply stuff and I hear ‘Oops!’ from the aisle I was just in. So, of course, I go to see what happened. And it’s the mom and son. Seems like he put something in his cart after all and somehow while she was trying to get it out she got her finger stuck in the wires. Some people are just really klutzy right?”

“Yeah, some people.”

She gave him a little bit of side eye, “So anyway she’s like tugging and tugging trying to get her finger out of the hole and it’s just really stuck. I remembered that show so I put the stuff I was holding down really carefully so it wouldn’t make a mess (now he gave her a little side eye of his own but she pretended not to notice) and went to go find lotion. Because if it works for a ring it only makes sense it would work for a cart right?”

“Umm…sure?”

“So I find a bottle of lotion and head back to them and get her finger all greased up and we pull and pull and it still won’t go anywhere. So then I realize that ice would help too! So I tell her wait right there and I rush over to get some frozen peas out of the cooler. So I come back and someone from the store is there and asking if we should call 911 and I’m like, no wait, we can handle this! Easy! So I ice her finger down a little and then put a little more lotion on and pull the cart and it starts to move so then the grocery clerk is like, ‘it’s working!’ and the lady is like, ‘it’s working!’ and I’m like, I KNOW! So then I give it one last gentle…I swear GENTLE tug and POP it comes right off!”

“Okay…and why did this lead to the grocery store being evacuated?”

“I told you! That wasn’t my fault. I just saved this woman from huge embarrassment. Can you even imagine if they had called 911 and then it would have been police and firefighters and EMTs and…okay, well, I guess they all did come but it wasn’t because of her. So that was great.”

He shook his head, “So…why did they evacuate the store? I feel like you are missing part of the story here?”

“So it seems like while I was helping this woman out all of this other stuff started to happen as well.”

“Other stuff?”

“Yes! Other stuff. That was totally not my fault.”

“Okay, what was the other stuff?”

“Well from what I heard from one of the firemen there was a bit of a chain reaction accident in the store. One of those freak things that nobody really knows how it got started.”

He closed his eyes for a second, “Nobody?”

“Well, probably nobody. Anyway… it seems as though it started after I got the woman freed from her cart. See, the woman, her son and I went to the front of the store to fill in an incident report, I told her it wouldn’t take long, and she asked if I’d ever filled one out and I told her ‘Oh tons of them!’ but then I let her know that it was never my fault. I was just one of those people that seemed to be around when interesting things happen, like her finger getting stuck in the cart. So we are at the front of the store and then there is this loud CRASH and one of the shelves started to tip and then there was yelling about bleach and ammonia and how we all needed to clear out. It was really intense.”

“Okay, wait…what? There was just a crash and the bleach and ammonia? What the hell?”

“Like I said, freak accident chain reaction type thing. So it seems like there was this guy shopping who wasn’t paying a lot of attention to where he was walking and tripped over a stack of stuff that had been left on the floor. And when he started to fall he reached out to steady himself by grabbing one of the shelves. Which totally would have worked but he lost his footing on some lotion that was on the floor making it really slippery and started to scramble again…anyway…as he start to lose his balance again he stepped on a bag of frozen peas which burst open and rolled everywhere. Like little frozen marbles. On a slippery floor. And that’s when we heard the crash which was the shelf falling over in to the cleaning supply aisle. And I said, ‘Oh the cleaning aisle, I hope the bleach and ammonia don’t mix.’ And then BOOM! Yelling everywhere and announcements on the loud speaker and we were all evacuated. Just because of one really klutzy guy.”

“Because of him? Really? You don’t think anyone else had anything to do with it?”

“Okay, yeah, maybe I am the one who reminded them about the bleach and ammonia being bad to mix, but they would have figured that out on their own. Really all I was doing there was being helpful. So I don’t think that you can say that makes it my fault.”

“I wouldn’t say that was the part that makes it your fault, you are right.”

She brightened, “See? I told you it wasn’t my fault.”

“It never is.”

“Oh, one more thing…”

“There usually is.”

“QFC asked that I find someplace else to shop. With this and that incident last Christmas and that one little thing with the fireworks, well, they just think maybe their store isn’t quite right for me.”

“Maybe we should just have you start shopping online?”

“Oh…I totally forgot. I need to tell you something weird about the computer. But before I start I just want to point out that it wasn’t my fault…”