It all started out innocently enough.
I've noticed over the past year or so that I not only inherited my father's eye color but also his eyelids. The left one is in the lead but the right is starting. They are getting a little puffy pocket in the corner. If it continues the same way Dad's did eventually I will have to have a little procedure to remove it so it doesn't affect my vision. Not technically plastic surgery like you think of for vanity sake, but plastic surgery nonetheless.
But as I looked at my eye and tried to guess how long it would be before it was a real issue I thought about what else I would have done, if I were the type to get things like that done.
I'd get a tummy tuck. Just get rid of that little rounded bit that has been there since I had C and decided I was eating for 12. And while I was at it I would smooth out the skin. Get rid of those stretch marks. Lift my boobs. I've always wanted perky boobs. They don't need to be bigger, but higher would be nice. Oh and smooth out my legs and butt. I've had cellulite since I was born and wouldn't it be nice to have it all go away? And lift everything there too. Just tighten it all up. It would make the muscles stand out more and just be smoother. Oh and since I am resurfacing things, how about my face? Just to get rid of the scarring from the bout of hormonal cystic acne in my 30s. That would be lovely. To go back to the face I had in my 20s. Or at least the scar free 40s version of the 20s face.
And yes, I realize that this idealized version of me is exactly what advertisers sell to us every day. Smooth. Blemish free. Tight. And that nobody really looks like that without help. And it's silly to even want it when I know it's not natural.
But that doesn't stop me from looking in the mirror and lifting, squeezing, smoothing...
The surgery will never happen. I'm not a fan of the idea of major surgery for vanity. Anytime you go under anesthesia there is a danger of complications. And then with the things I want done I would get one result but end up with scars. So would that be better? I don't think so.
And what about unintentional results? I remember an interview with Kenny Rogers years ago, before his latest round of oh my god what have you done, back when he had a little lipo to get rid of his love handles. He was talking about after the surgery his back got fat. See he removed the fat cells in his belly but still was eating too much and his body had to store it someplace so...back fat. And then there is the oh my god what have you done aspect. Sometimes things don't turn out quite like you imagined and you end up with a face that is unrecognizable, not only as your face but as a thing found in nature at all.
So I'll keep the body I have. Knowing that the little rounded bit at the bottom of my stomach is there because I grew a person. That my boobs don't sit high and round on my chest because I'm 45 and I've had them since I was 9. That's a lot of living with these girls, and if they are a little more relaxed, well so am I so that's cool. The scarring, well let's see, it's a reminder that stress can do serious things to you and that you should pay attention. The cellulite? Yeah, I will rail against that the rest of my life. I know that it has to do with connective tissue and mine is just prone to splitting but...nope, not ever going to be happy about that one.
And that's okay as well. I don't have to think everything is perfect to love it anyway. My legs and butt might not be smooth but they are strong. I can kick down a door if I need to. Not that I've ever had to, but it's nice to know I could if I needed to. The scars are mine. The pouches and puffs and droops are as well. And all put together it's not bad, not bad at all.
And will all of that self affirmation keep me from tucking and pulling and smoothing in the mirror every once in awhile?
Hell no.
Yeah, sorry, I could have lied and said Of course! I'm all shiny and new and full of self love, but you all would know I was lying so instead I will just say, in the right clothes, in the right light, with the right people, who have had the right amount to drink, I am just as perfect as I ever was.
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