She sat against the wall staring at her phone, not sure which she wanted more; another text or to never hear from him again.
Sitting against the wall might be overstating it. Really she was slumped against the wall. That's where she had been when her legs had given out and she had slid down to where she was now. Sitting, leaning, slumping against the wall. Knees tucked up to her chest, phone on the floor next to her, tears streaming down her face.
A friend of hers had once said "The worst tears in a breakup are the ones that come when you think you are through crying about it."
She hadn't understood at the time but now she did. She had thought she was past this part. But today she discovered there was still a deep well of bitter hot tears waiting to come out. And they were the worst. She hadn't been prepared for this to still hurt like it did. "Oh you thought you were healed? Let's just rip the band-aid off and poke at the scab a bit, shall we?"
To be fair she had cried about this on Saturday as well but it was quick. The fleeting grief over things that once were. This was the wrenching pain of never will be again. And yes, she knew she was being dramatic, but that's what it felt like. And the only way she knew how to get past it was to figure out what it was.
Every other break up she had ever had had gone well. She was the "Queen of Good Breakups." Relationships just drifted apart but the friendships stayed in tact. At 26 years old she was still friends or at least friendly with every guy she had gone out with since middle school. Her friend Jenny had told her it was because she had never had a "real" relationship. One that hadn't come with a predetermined end date. Looking back now she could see that was true. Summer crushes end when camp is over. High school boyfriends fade at the end of the school year. College boyfriends transfer or graduate. But this had been her first grown up, out on her own, real world relationship. The first time she had ever woken up next to someone and thought, "I could do this for the rest of my life."
So when it was over it hurt more.
But that had been months ago and she really had thought she was fine.
Until she got the call Saturday night. Or more accurately until she missed the call Saturday night.
She had been at the movies with friends and her phone had been tossed in the bottom of her purse. In the cab ride home she had pulled it out and noticed the 1 Missed Call, 1 Voice Mail Message notification. When she opened the voice mail and saw that it was from Ray she actually smiled. Jenny was wrong. She could maintain a friendship even after a breakup and this showed it. As the message started she wasn't sure at first what she was hearing. He had pocket dialed her by accident. He wasn't really calling her at all. She could recognized the low vibration of his voice as he talked to....who was he talking to? She couldn't make out the words but recognized the tone and then...
The realization that she was listening to Ray and his date flirting, teasing...She had pulled the phone away from her ear like it had stung her, hitting delete message. She had listened to less than a minute of the message, but it had seemed like forever. So she had cried that night. But it was quick tears. The acknowledgment that he had moved on. Which she knew he would. And really she wanted him to. She still liked him enough that she wanted him to be happy. She just hadn't ever expected to actually have to face it. Or at least not this soon. And not this personally. But a quick pep talk about life moving on and it being better for everyone and she was fine. Just fine.
Then today the text came. "Just saw that I accidentally called you Saturday, sorry about that."
"It went to my voice mail. No problem."
"Did it leave a long message?"
"Don't know, deleted it when I realized it was a pocket dial. No worries."
"Okay, cool, lol."
"lol?"
"Well, yeah, it could have been awkward if you had listened to it."
"You should probably just delete my number so it doesn't happen again."
And that's when her legs had given way and the tears had started. He knew. He knew what had been in the phone message. Lol? Who leaves a message for their ex-girlfriend of them with a new girl and follows it up with lol? And that's when she knew it was over. Even though they had been split for months, even though the break up had been needed, she hadn't really fully let go. Not until right then. lol.
So she stared at her phone not sure if she was willing him to send another text message or to never hear that ding again. And she cried.
The worst tears in a break up are the ones that come when you think you are through crying about it.
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