Whispers in the dark....

She had fallen asleep while he was in the shower. Snuggled deep in the tussle of blanket and sheets they had messed up just a few minutes earlier. The lines in her face were smooth. The crease in her forehead and the pucker around her lips that were there when she said, "I suppose you won't be staying the night" were gone now. Her breathing deep and even.  She was lovely but he knew this would probably be the last time he would see her. He had told her at the start that he only had so much to give and she, like the others before her, had said she understood. And she did for awhile. Then the subtle complaints started.

"You never spend the night."
"I never hear from you on weekends."

"Just once I wish we could spend a holiday together."

Each time his response would be a smile and "You know I can't. Let's enjoy what we can have instead of what we don't." And that would work for awhile. Until it didn't any more. He looked at her one last time. She really was lovely but she deserved someone who could love her completely and that wasn't him. He left a note on the bedside table and quietly left her apartment.

In the cab ride to his condo on the other side of town he looked at his watch. The twins would already be in bed by the time he got home. He had called Lindsey earlier and let her know he would be late tonight and to go ahead with dinner and bedtime without him. He wasn't sure if he heard a small sigh from her end of the line or if he was just imagining it. Tomorrow they would take the boys and Stacey to the museum. Stacey had a report to write on one of the travelling exhibits. He would take the boys in to the Little Explorers area while Lindsey and Stacey looked at the exhibit. Then they would all go to lunch and have a family movie night later. Stacey could write her report on Sunday while he and the boys roughhoused in the living room or maybe went to the park. Lindsey would take the day for herself while he handled all of the household things.  

He opened the front door as quietly as he could just in case the boys weren't sleeping soundly yet. He didn't want to wake them and have them get wound up again. It was almost impossible to get them back to sleep after that and the last time it had happened Lindsey had told him he was on his own getting them settled since he was the one who woke them up. It was fair, but it was still exhausting. Two four year olds with just enough sleep in them to have recharged were more than a match for a 40 year old after a long day at work and then out with a friend.

Walking through the living room he picked up a couple of empty glasses to take to the kitchen. Looking at the toys strewn all over the floor he had to smile. When he was a newly married man living in the big city he would scoff at the television sitcoms showing harried families and their disaster area homes. It would never be like that in his family. They would be perfectly behaved children who picked up their toys every night before bed and the house would be pristine. And with Stacey it was easier to keep things mostly clean, but once the boys came along they had given up on pristine and most days slightly tidy seemed like a big win.

Lindsey was sitting at the kitchen table when he walked in a book open in front of her. "Hey, how was your day?"

"Good, long, but good. And you?"

"Not bad. The twins both got gold stars in Miss Diane's class today for being excellent helpers and they also both ate all of their vegetables without any negotiating. I am not sure what they are going to ask for tomorrow from the museum gift shop but I have a feeling they are laying the groundwork for something big. Stacey started work on her project tonight. We did some research together on the internet to get started. I don't remember having this detailed of work to do when I was in the third grade, do you?"

"No but it was hard work to get her in to the best school in the city, I guess this is what we should expect. Is she enjoying the project at least?"

"Oh yes, she is. You know Stacey, she is finding it all interesting and having an excuse to get an extra 45 minutes of computer time was a treat for her. She's looking forward to the exhibit tomorrow. She asked if she could go through it with both of us. Once with me and then again with you. I told her she could ask you and see."

"I notice even optimistic Stacey didn't want to try and go through it with the boys."

"Oh no, not at all. She helped with dinner and bath times tonight. Though they are getting to the point where they can handle pretty much everything on their own. Just a quick behind the ears inspection to make sure they used soap."

"They grow up so fast. Even boys.
Okay, I'm going to go check in on Stac before she goes to bed."

He stood for a second at his daughter's door. She was lying in bed reading a book obviously engrossed in the story. Her face changing expression slightly as she read. When she noticed him standing there she put the book down and held out her arms for a hug. "Dad! You're home! I missed you today. Did you hear I helped with the boys tonight? They were really good today. I have an idea about the museum tomorrow you two could trade off watching the twins and each go through the exhibit with me. That way I can see it once for fun and once to take notes and you both get to see it that way as well. It wouldn't take much longer because the time for fun would be fast, and the boys love to play in the explorer room so they would be happy to be there."

He started to laugh. Once Stacey got talking you couldn't slow her down. All of the thoughts in her head would come out as one big rush. Like she was afraid if she didn't say everything right then she wouldn't get the chance. "Slow down, Tiger, take a deep breath. I think that's a good plan. The boys will be fine and you can soak in all there is to see. Now don't stay up too late, it's going to be a busy day tomorrow."

"Okay, Dad, just one more chapter." Stacey was already picking up her book.

He smiled, "You sound like your mother. Night, sweetie."

He couldn't say how many times he had heard, "One more chapter then I will go to sleep" One more chapter usually meant reading until I can't keep my eyes open anymore. Stacey was definitely her mother's child. Smart, pretty, kind. The boys were him but in duplicate. Action stars in their own heads. Jumping and running and taking everything apart just to see how it works. All three of them were the joys and lights of his life. 

As he left Stacey's room he saw Lindsey coming down the hallway for bed. "I thought I'd make pancakes tomorrow before we left, what do you think?"

Lindsey smiled her patient smile, "You really want to take the boys to the museum after syrup? Maybe pancakes for Sunday?"

"Oh yeah, that's a good point. Eggs and toast tomorrow I think then. We can plan on breakfast around 8 and getting to the museum when it opens at 10?"

"Sounds good to me, good night."

He bid his nanny goodnight and headed off to his room. Even after three years this was the worst part of his day. The kids were asleep. The details of life were taken care of for one more day. One more day living without his wife. One more day missing her. One more day carrying on like her death hadn't killed a part of him as well. He climbed in to bed, took the picture from his bedside table and whispered, "I love you. Good night"