Quite a few years ago I read an article on belief and one of the things that stuck with me was the notion that to believe in a thing, you have to believe in all of the parts of that thing. It resonated with me because it reflected how I left the church. I stopped believing in one thing about it, then another fell, then I looked at all of the tenants of the faith and they didn't hold up to scrutiny anymore. Once I knew one thing was wrong, I was no longer able to hold on to my faith.
To believe in a thing, you have to believe in all of the parts of that thing.
When you realize that people are born gay or straight then you question why there would be a god who would make people a certain way and then tell them that if they ever act on it, they are going to hell. Are you a perfect being who never makes mistakes so there is nothing wrong with being gay, or are you an asshole deity who sets some of your creations up for lives of misery or certain sin? Which is it? Because it can't be both.
And it all fell apart from there. I questioned the patriarchal parts next. Started reading about how the bible was actually put together. Started reading texts from other religions. Started questioning everything I knew. To believe in a thing, you have to believe in all of the parts of that thing. It was all a house of cards just waiting to come down.
Now I know that there are people out there now who have decided to pick and choose a little bit more. To reconsider certain parts of the text and come to different conclusions, and if that works for them then I'm happy for them. But for me it just didn't.
I've been thinking about this decision a lot lately. I have a friend who recently left the Evangelical fold and is finding his way in a different mindset. He's dealing with it differently than I did. But I think in a few decades he will look back and see a lot of similarities to my story. He stopped believing in one part of the faith (or the faithful) and the rest started to fall apart. Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain, moments.
But the thing that you don't really get when you first stop believing something like that, is that it doesn't just affect your belief. If you were raised in a church, all of your family has one religion, you've been going to church and Sunday school and youth group and choir practice and bible study and you can see that the majority of your social circle is in that belief system. And when you decide you aren't it makes things a little tense.
I've been dealing with it for years. Some of the people I grew up with (most are still in the church at least "on paper") are surprised to hear I don't believe anymore. They can't wrap their brains around it. They stopped going to church most Sundays, they drink, have had a divorce or two, a little extra marital sex here and there, but they are still good Christians and cannot believe I would abandon god like that. It always makes me shake my head a little bit.
See, the stance on homosexuality was the piece that led me to leaving for good but the very first thing I questioned was what I was just talking about. I knew some real jerks in the church. And I'm not talking about skipping church or divorcing, I mean some very bad people. BUT they were baptized and could ask for forgiveness at any and all times and it would be granted so they were getting in to heaven. I also knew some really outstanding people who did great things for others, who were kind, generous, salt of the earth but weren't baptized so that meant they were going to hell. This never made sense to me. Especially when you added it up with people who our missionaries were supposed to be finding and reaching with the gospel to save them from eternal damnation. We were back to the whole, why would an omnipotent, all knowing, all loving god put people in parts of the world where they could go their whole lives and never hear the Word and then just send them on in to hell. Who would do that? It was the first unsteady card in my house of cards.
But I left. The rest of my circle did not. My family still has the same faith. The people I grew up with still do as well. I am the sinner. The fallen one. The black sheep. And I'm usually fine with it. I left over 30 years ago. I've spent more time on the outside than on the inside. It doesn't usually bother me. Not when they tell me I'm going to hell (it's hard to be upset about going someplace you don't believe exists), not when they tell me they are praying for me (I have no problem with you doing something that comforts you even if I don't think it's doing anything else, that's a fine thing for it to do), not when they tell me that their heart just breaks because I don't believe what they do (though this one makes me a little sad, your heart breaks because of who I am. Let that sit with you for a moment and understand what you just said to me).
I talked about my lack of faith when Dad died. How that set me apart from my family a bit. They all believe that they will see him again. What a great comfort. What a great feeling of peace that can bring. It's not loss, it's temporary separation. I don't have that. What I believe is what I have left of my father is all that there will be for me. I'm not going to be reunited with him on some celestial plane. The voice in my head that I have of his is all that I will ever hear from him again. The part of me that he influenced. That's what I have left. It's enough for me. It's what I believe. But it is very different than thinking he's someplace with our siblings just waiting for the rest of the family to show up.
But like I said, I'm usually fine with it. Usually. But at times it makes me frustrated. The moral superiority that is felt. As if I am fundamentally broken because I don't believe in your god. Because I spell god with a lowercase g. Being good without god is a really easy thing to do. I'm not kind to people because I think I will get a reward for it later. I didn't teach my son to be a good person so he could get in to heaven. I don't donate to charities that need help because I think it will help me on my path to those streets of gold. I live my life the way I live it because it's the right thing to do. I don't think you doing similar things for the heavenly reward puts you on a higher moral standing than I am.
The TV show The Good Place touched on the concept of moral desert in their season finale this year. The concept of deserving rewards because you did the right thing instead of doing the right thing because it's the right thing to do. Eleanor didn't want to be good for goodness sake, she wanted that gold star. And you don't always get a reward. There is a reason there is an expression "no good deed goes unpunished" because sometimes you get screwed by doing the right thing. But you do it anyway. That's what being a good person is.
Now, if you are being a good person because you think when you die you will be rewarded for that behavior, fine, you live your life reaching for that goal. But don't tell me I'm a horrible person for living my life as a good person without the thought of a reward. Because that's a shitty thing to do.
And that's when it bugs me.
Not enough to stop being who I am. Because I believe in me. All of the parts. The good ones and the bad ones. And because I believe in all of the parts of me, I continue to believe in me.
"As soon as you trust yourself, then you will know how to live." generally attributed to Johann Wolfgang Von Goethe
Continually lived by Denise Mastenbrook
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