Thursday, October 9, 2014

Follow ups...

Ten years. That's how long it's been since the story I wrote about in today's Throw Back Thursday posting. Reading it I have to imagine that people who know me can't imagine me ever acting that way. And I have to say I am shocked as well. Because I did. For at least a year I was fairly unrecognizable. I took shit, I took grief, I took slights, and I brushed them off. At least publicly. I bitched to friends and I cried to Brent. But I needed the job. Or at least I felt like I needed it. Looking back I should have had more confidence and walked away to another space. But I didn't feel like I could.

Insecurity leaks in from one area and bleeds in to others. And at the time I was feeling really insecure.

I talked about it when I wrote about work at that time. How I had never had to deal with the whole "mean girl" thing and I was completely incapable of handling it. If it had been a group of guys I would have told them to fuck off and been done with it. And eventually that's pretty much what happened. I blew up at my boss told him that I wasn't putting up with it any more and I was quitting, and since I was managing the lion's share of the client billings at the time...well...things changed.

And here is the second part that is really odd for people to understand. Especially my husband. The woman in that story? I am still friendly with her. I know, right? But let me tell you why. 

See, when I had my two stage epiphany (I could link the old blogs but am feeling really lazy so know that they are back in 2009) and the first part was "don't let who they are change who you are" I knew that I wasn't going to be nasty back to them. And then when I reached the second part which was that I didn't have to stay at that job and allow them access to me anymore either the shift came. When my boss took the ringleaders aside and basically said I would leave and they would end up out of work because of it they realized they had lost their game. But being mean girls means never having to take the blame. So they pinned it all on the woman from the first story.

See? They were nice girls was all her. And all of the grief they had been sending my way for the past year they turned to her. 

And I realized that I felt badly for her. 

Because my guess (and it's just a guess here because we've never talked about it) is that she was part of that group in the beginning because she was used to hanging around with those sorts of girls. The nastiest comment in the email chain came from a friend of hers, not from anyone there, after all. And since she was older than I am and the rest were younger my other guess is being part of that nasty little clique made her feel young and accepted. Since I was never interested in being part of that sort of group when I was younger or when I was older I didn't have the same need to belong. Which of course made me the perfect target at first. 

But as upsetting as it was to me, someone who didn't really know how to deal with it? Imagine how awful it was for her. These were people she had bonded with. People she had hung around with. Spent quality girl time with. And now they turned on her. Quickly and completely. Den of vipers. But how much worse for her than it was for me. I mean after all she knew exactly how nasty they could be and the sorts of things they were saying behind her back. 

So I forgave her. Without ever confronting her. Don't let who they are change who you are. 

But don't get me wrong, because I am who I am, and it's not all sunshine and light here, I hope that at some level by still being in her life somewhere in her mind I am a reminder not to treat people like shit, because you never know if you will the next one on the bottom of the shoe...

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