Just give it up already...

So I wrote the poem thinking that was good enough. But apparently I have more to say on this subject and not just in the form of bad poetry so here we go...

First off you never know where or how inspiration will hit you. This morning it was this picture:

When I saw it on a friend's feed my first thought was "that's nice" then my second was..."hmmmm...."
Because my brain was starting to whirl with things that you do give up to be happy. Or at least that I did.

One of my favorite quotes of all time is from Joseph Campbell: “We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us." It's all about giving up.

Just not the giving up we think of normally. Not the quitting. Not the whining "it's tooooo haaardddd..." and stopping. Because life is often hard and quitting each time it gets hard would get you nowhere. But even so, sometimes you have to know when to give up.

I'm as stubborn as the day is long, just ask the people that know me best, and I had to learn the hard way that sometimes you really need to just give it up. Let go. Move on. I also have had the struggle with the disease of perfectionism. I KNOW! It's so hard for a lot of you to imagine since I'm so laid back now...

Stop laughing.

But I really was awful about it for a long time. And it's so not helpful when you are trying to get things done. Perfect is the enemy of good enough right? You are constantly tweaking this one more thing, working on this one more polish, and then you never finish. I did it with writing for decades. I would write something, polish, polish, polish, then delete it because it was never going to be perfect. It's a big part of why I do a lot of speed write/post things on here. This is my area where things aren't perfect, but they are done. I have folders of other things that are in the super polish category, and honestly they aren't much better than the things I write and post in a day.  Which either says something about the quality of my first draft, or the quality of my polishing.

So what have I given up? I gave up thinking that I would ever be motivated by money. Don't get me wrong, I've been poor and I've been middle class. Middle class is better. Not worrying about repo men or grocery trips at the end of the month is wonderful. But when I was working? I never got paid as much as everyone else because I never remembered to ask for a raise. Now, that doesn't mean it didn't piss me off when I found out someone was being paid more than I was for the same or less work, but that was about fair treatment, not the money.

I have been offered lots of money at different times (and lots is a sliding scale in life, as you all know) to do work that I didn't want to do. It never grabbed me. I have worked G.O.O.D. jobs before (get out of debt) and was grateful for them, but as soon as money was covered by Brent's job? I was out of the money making business and on to exploring other things. While I was in massage school it was sort of a joke that I was going to spend two years and a few thousand dollars to get a job that paid less than half of what I was currently making. Money doesn't motivate me. I gave up pretending that it would.

I gave up being concerned with what people think of me. I am what I am. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. I can't control what you think of me, I can only control who I am. And the rest is on you. Now that's not to say that there aren't times where I am shocked that someone doesn't like me, or says something nasty about me, or has an opinion of me that I don't think is valid. But the shock is transient. I'm not going to change who I am for you to like me better. If I've done something truly offensive to you then I will examine it and decide if it's my offense or your offendedness that is the problem. But I am who I am. And I really dig me so I gave up worrying about if you do too.

And in that same vein I gave up on relationships that weren't healthy. We've all had that "friend" that really wasn't right? Energy vampires. Negative Nancys. People who needed to put you down to lift themselves up. I don't have time for that. I give up on those people pretty quickly now.

There are other things, smaller things, I gave up buying shoes that don't fit hoping they would stretch. Life is too short for uncomfortable shoes. I gave up buying clothes that I didn't love, just because they were in style, or someone else liked them, or they weren't trashy as fuck, I happen to look good in trashy clothes. It's just the way it goes. I gave up thinking I would wake up tomorrow looking like Cindy Crawford. My legs are never going to get longer and they are never going to be skinny. My butt is never going to be small and I'm never going to be described as petite. But I haven't given up working out and being the best me I can be, that would be giving up vanity (not there) and health concerns (bad idea) and letting the arthritis settle in and make me miserable (fuck that shit) so I haven't given up on that.

And probably most importantly I gave up giving up cake.

I love cake.

(and I could totally Rick Roll you right now and it would fit and be glorious but I'm not going to. So you're welcome.)

I give up...

She was tired.
Bone tired.
Soul tired.
Tired of working and striving for nothing.

Tired of getting no credit.
Tired of the grind.
Of the slog.

Of the pain.

So she gave up.

She gave up shoes that didn't fit.
Food that didn't taste good.
Dreams that were never hers.

She gave up artwork that didn't move her.

Books that bored her.
Music that didn't make her weep or dance...

She gave up hopelessness

Helplessness 

And friendships that never were.

She is rested.
Awake.

Aware.

Reaching for everything she wants.

Amazed at the world around her.

Striding forward.

Confident.
Content.

She gave up.

What do you hear?

I was reading about the disruption of the Bernie Sanders event in Seattle this weekend by two women who might or might not be part of the official Black Lives Matter movement depending on who you listen to. They are either disgruntled activists who saw an opportunity to reach the mainly white, highly liberal, audience that Sanders draws and point out that just using a hashtag doesn't mean they are doing anything to make things better. Or they could be really misguided people who feel strongly about their cause but are alienating the very group that is doing their best to further those same issues along with a candidate whose civil rights stances are verified and bonafide. Or they could be members of OA 206 who use the phrase black lives matter but aren't really part of the organization Black Lives Matter and are trying for some of the same agenda but in very different ways. Or they might be plants for either the Clinton campaign who is feeling the Bern or secret Republican operatives who are trying to make sure the Democratic party collapses under infighting like it did from the late 60s through well... the male Clinton? Though Carter was in there for a hot second...And then there is the whole idea of where OA 206 actually gets their funding if they are from OA 206 which makes the whole conspiracy theory take another turn... Anyway...it depends on what you are reading on what happened.

I don't know which of these narratives is the right one. I have a hard time believing conspiracy theories. My brain just isn't wired that way. But the people who are talking about that angle make some good points. The fact that a majority of Black Lives Matters activists are distancing themselves from this. The fact that even though there is a really active group in Seattle there were only two women who took the stage. The fact that Bernie Sanders drew almost 30,000 people to a rally in Portland the next day and that has to be worrisome to the Clinton campaign.

I don't know what the truth is. I'm not sure when or if we will know what really led those two women to hijack the event. I'll wait until there is more clear information before I make a judgement.

Another story hitting my radar right now is about Patrick Kane of the Blackhawks. There is a rape investigation against him and so of course there is a 45/45 split of people screaming either that woman is OBVIOUSLY lying because he's a sports star and just won the Stanley Cup for keerist's sake...and the other side screaming that OBVIOUSLY he did it because he's a professional athlete who thinks he can get away with anything he wants to. And then there is a small 10% saying ... ummm... well, we don't know yet what happened. Why don't we do the whole presumed innocent until proven guilty thing we are supposed to do? And I mean that on both sides. Let's not presume she's a (and I quote) "money grabbing whore" or that he is a "rapist bastard" until we get more information. I'm a fan of the Blackhawks. He's a great player for that team. But that doesn't mean I believe he is incapable of raping someone. I don't know that he is capable either. Which is the point. I don't know. Presumed innocent. Both of them.

It's all about what you hear. When you hear a charge against an athlete do you assume they are guilty because they are athletes? Or do you presume they are innocent because you like their team or their talent? When you hear about a rape investigation do you assume the person bringing charges is telling the truth or lying? Do you automatically start discounting the story with the "they shouldn't haves..." shouldn't have had so much to drink, shouldn't have worn that dress, shouldn't have flirted, shouldn't have...whatever. What do you hear?

Which then leads us back to another part of the first story. When the Black Lives Matter hashtag or organization is brought up there are always people who respond ALL LIVES MATTER! Oh holy shit, shut up. That's been my reaction to them. But I read something this weekend that made them make a little more sense to me. See when they read Black Lives Matter their brains fill in an implied "Only" at the front while mine fills in an implied "Too" at the end. I get that when someone says Black Lives Matter they aren't saying that no other life matters, they are saying that black lives matter just as much as all other lives and right now they aren't feeling that. See? There is a difference in what you hear.

Thinking about it I came up with an analogy that works if you had siblings. Not sure the only children would get it but here we go...So you remember when you were a kid and you would be minding your own business and one of your siblings picked a fight? Or you were watching TV and they came in and changed the channel while you were watching something? Or you were in the car riding someplace and they punched you out of the blue? When that happened you yelled and your parent said, "You kids knock it off!" And you were all like...Wait, what?? You KIDS?? I was minding my own business! I didn't do anything wrong!

All Lives Matter is like You Kids Knock it Off. It's a general coverage to a problem that is actually not general. And it's unfair. Of course all lives matter, but right now it's not all lives that we are talking about. Don't be obtuse. Listen for the too at the end of the phrase. Look for the fairness instead of the general. And for goodness sake try to open your eyes to the issues they are bringing up. Just because in your day to day life you don't encounter instances of racism that doesn't mean it's not there. There are people speaking a different language in France, just because I don't hear it doesn't mean it's not happening...

Pay attention to what you are listening to as well as what you hear.

Wait for more information before leaping to conclusions.

Try your hardest to get more than one side to a story.

And realize that sometimes life doesn't come with easy answers.

Writer world problems...

I had a dream this morning that I was in a haunted house. It was one of those dreams that seems fairly normal at first but there is this lurking sense of dread hanging around so you just know it's going to turn bad soon. Now I have had nightmares for as long as I can remember (insomnia and nightmares and night terrors often go hand in hand in hand) and I learned about lucid dreaming a long time ago to combat this problem. Quite often when I realize that a dream is going to go bad, or has gone bad I can turn the dream around.

It's a really great skill to have if you need to sleep without panic.

Except when it pisses the writer part of your brain off.

We were trying to clear this old house of the furniture and belongings so we could sell it, or remodel it or something and there would be these accidents. And things moving that we didn't move. And just...dread...So in the dream I was just starting to figure out (writer me) that the furniture was possessed by Agnes (an Aunt maybe?) and she was watching through mirrors and reflective surfaces and then coming out when she was alone with who ever her intended victim was and horrible things would follow.

Well as the writer part of my brain was going, "Oh cool!" the lucid dreamer part of my brain was like, "Oh no, let's fix this!" and so Agnes was becoming less and less menacing and more and more fairy godmotherish. I was so relieved and frustrated at the same time.

I wanted to see how it would end up. How did we take care of Agnes or did she win? Still living in her house on the hill in her furniture peeking out at the world through her mirrors...but my brain was busy rewriting things so that Agnes wasn't hurting anyone, she was just trying to protect me from people who might not have my best interests at heart. She was a benevolent spirit. Only there to help. Which is great for sleeping and lousy for story potential.

But considering my sleep tracking has looked like a bad joke all week I will take the lucid dreaming stay asleep portion over the wake in a cold sweat with a perfectly written story ready to go.

I guess.

If I have to.

But I still think she's watching....

I know it's early...

I watched both of the Republican debates yesterday. I know it's awfully early to be watching this. The field is still too wide. There is nothing decided. Technically I cannot vote in any primary because I'm registered unaffiliated. But I still felt like I should watch. One of these people is going to get the nomination and I want to hear what they say when they are talking to their base, on their news station, in front of their audience, when they are trying to break through. I don't want to just get introduced to the them when they are trying to appeal to me, but when they aren't.

I also am not a fan of soundbite politics. I knew that the almost 3 1/2 hours of coverage yesterday would get trimmed down to the juiciest of bites today and that those might or might not have anything to do contextually with what was actually asked and even answered so I wanted to watch.

The first debate was quieter. Very small audience so not raucous cheering and booing like we saw in the second. And not a lot of cross talk between candidates. This group seemed to at least be somewhat aware that though they are running against each other for the nomination they are running in the same party.

Things I took from that one:
Rick Perry is doing better this time than last. But he was heavily medicated and recovering from back surgery last time so that's not a huge stretch. He is REALLY interested in border security. That's pretty much it.

Carly Fiorina came ready to throw down. If she could insult a few people or the entire group of "progressives" in her answer she was thrilled. She was also very composed and ready. But I still have to ask why they drop the "in to the ground" part off every time they announce she ran HP.

George Pataki was asked a question leading with "you are the only pro-choice republican candidate..." so pretty much the finish to this is "bye, Felicia..." Sorry, George, not sure why you came out tonight.

Rick Santorum is still Santorum and ready to fight gay marriage, though it seems everyone else is pretty still about that one being settled. But you know, he's not ready to allow the Supreme Court to rule on gay marriage anymore than Lincoln was satisfied with Dred Scott...which actually made me say out loud to the TV, "What the fuck? Seriously? Gay marriage is equivilant with a ruling that black people are property not people? Are you high?" So yeah, Santorum has no shot of getting the presidency. Sorry, dude, but you have to appeal to a wider swath than who ever it is that you appeal to.

Jim Gilmore. Well now I know who Jim Gilmore is. Sort of. I mean, I had to go look up his name just now because I honestly couldn't pull it, all I could think was, "the other guy...used to be a governor of ummm..Virginia?" So yeah, he didn't make a huge impression.

Bobby Jindal. When asked why people should vote for him when his own state can't stand him you sort of understood what Fox believes his chances are. He is trying to take the hardline stance. One of those being that there should be no hyphenated Americans, and anyone who immigrates here should be forced to only speak English, so there was that...

And then there was Lindsey Graham. This man must never make it to the Oval Office. I'm not even super comfortable with him knowing where the Oval Office is to tell the truth. If he were elected president we would be going to war. Like now. And forever. He was very clear about it. Said it over and over again. No matter the question he would pivot back to war. Just scary as fuck.

Over all they are all going to repeal Obamacare (though what they are going to do about the millions left uninsured was left unanswered), tear up the Iran deal (though how they think they are going to get a better one was left unanswered except, we just will), defund Planned Parenthood and fight ISIS/ISIL either by more air strikes or by WAR BITCHES!! CONSTANT ONSLAUGHT OF WAR!

In my opinion if there was a winner it was Fiorina. Perry maybe came in second.

Then the main event and I won't break down each of them. You all were more likely to have watched that one. Just my main takeaways...

Man, Fox does NOT want Trump in the race anymore. They built the monster and are now trying to figure out how to take it apart. He's having none of it. The opening salvo of "take a pledge to support who ever gets the nomination and swear fealty" struck me as awful. Especially when you have some really divergent beliefs over the 17 candidates. How can you say you would support any one of them? Crazy. When Trump makes the choice that strikes me as the least insane and most thoughtful there is a problem in the room.

Scott Walker was asked about abortion and made clear that he is not backing down from his no exception to rape or health of the mother stance. I wrote about that particular bullshit addendum here a while ago, so I wasn't surprised by his stance, but I am surprised he has the fortitude to stand by it. And to then drag Rubio over to it as well. The Planned Parenthood debate rages on...

Jeb Bush seemed a little out of sorts to me. Is it because we all (well most of us) think his brother wasn't the brightest bulb in the box that we now look at Jeb through that lense or is he really not that bright? Like he's barely keeping up with the rest of the class?

The only candidate asked about race was Ben Carson. So that's not racist at all... I mean everyone needs their one black friend to tell them how all black people feel about things, right? Just had to shake my head. The man is a neurosurgeon and seems like a nice guy but he is not ready to be president. Just not. If he wants to be in politics he should maybe start smaller and get at least a little bit ready?

Rand Paul yells a lot. Like A LOT. And he yelled at as many people as he could. He and Chris Christie basically re-enacted the debate Guillani and Ron Paul had last election cycle about surveillance so that's obviously not going anywhere either. He also took a shot at the "hug" from Obama that Christie got during the hurricane Sandy time. That shit makes me crazy. You want to talk about what is dividing the country? It's shit like that. The man was governing a state that just got hit by a massive natural disaster, the President of the United States is there and offering support and the federal dollars that his state needs and you all are upset because there was a moment of friendliness in the face of disaster? What the actual fuck is wrong with you people? Seriously...

Kasich came out well I thought. Seemed thoughtful and like someone who might possibly find some middle ground in issues. He obviously had home-stage advantage too, but the fact that the crowd liked him (unlike Jindal your state hates you from the early debate) so it was interesting.

The candidates were asked about the standards, immigration (BOO! WE HATE IT! BUILD A WALL! Let's watch Bush get uncomfortable because he has a more nuanced take on this); ISIL, (BOMB THEM! Mock the well established fact that people without options are easier to radicalize than people with jobs and opportunities); Planned Parenthood, (Defund them! Investigate them! Make them an excellent fundraising point!); Obamacare, (Repeal and replace the same fucking thing we've been saying for years and haven't done or come close to doing or come anywhere near finding what we would replace it with!); God, (He loves Republicans and not Democrats and will tell us exactly what to do everyday we are president and God Bless America, just look at how we are being persecuted for our beliefs as we stand on this stage invoking God and his blessing on our country and candidacy and nobody finds this odd, see the persecution??).

The things I found most interesting and it was clear in both debates, Fox seems to know exactly who they want the front runners to be and questions (tone and content) seemed to show that. They might have all faced somewhat challenging questions for them on perceived weaknesses but the difference in level was interesting. Watching the first debate they really seemed to want Fiorina and Perry to come out well, and they mostly did. The second it seemed like they really wanted Bush to make a strong showing but he didn't help them out at all. They wanted Trump to flame out not thinking that it's his flame outs that people seem to love. And why is it okay for him to slam Rosie O'Donnell but not Megyn Kelly? You have to be mad when he's an ass to the less attractive lesbian if you want me to take you seriously about him being mad at the smoking hot news-personality. I think Rubio came across well and Kasich. I still think they (and the dems) should be more worried about Rubio than they are. He's young. He's smart. He's got a good back story. He's got Florida. I think he's a challenger.


Oh Huckabee and Cruz were there too...yeah.

All at once...

This morning as I was on the treadmill at the gym I noticed my heart beating really strong. Just thumping along as I did my workout. But then as soon as I noticed that it was beating harder my lungs were all like, "Hey! Hellllooo! We are really working here too! Did you not notice how hard you were breathing?" So then I started to pay attention to that and not my heart beat. Then my legs were in on the action, "Hey! Dipshit, if it weren't for us you wouldn't be moving at all. Stop paying attention to the glory hogs up there and look at the work horses actually doing the job." So then I was like right leg...left leg...forward...back....lift lower and stopped paying attention the my breathing. And then my stomach was like, "HEY! Talk about glory hogs! If it weren't for us here in the ab muscle department you wouldn't be able to stay upright!" and my back was having none of that, "Oh no you don't! We work just as hard to keep her upright! You can't take all the notice!" So then I was like...Oh right..upright...abs engaged, back strong...and then my boobs were like, "Look at us! We..." and the rest of my body all screamed, "SHUT UP! You always do this, come in and demand the attention! There are so many more important things!" And then I fell off the treadmill and lay dying on the floor because I was no longer pumping any blood, or breathing any air, or able to stand upright let alone walk because how could I if I was only paying attention to one thing?

The part of your brain that you don't even pay attention to is capable of paying attention to multiple things at once. Keeping your body moving. Functioning. Changing through the day. Workouts to meals to typing on the computer and for a lucky few to sleep. It's amazing. All day long. Just whizzing along paying attention to everything. Sometimes one thing more than another. Twist your knee? Guarantee right then you are going to pay more attention to it than you are your breathing but the amazing thing is you won't stop breathing because it will still be there in the background, just as important as it ever was, just not what you are focusing on right that second.

Aren't you glad your brain doesn't function like social media?

I am so over being told what I should and should not care about. What is important and what isn't. It is the exact same thing as the PC police. The outrage stirrers. The insulted masses. Just because at this moment I care about one thing does not make other things not important. Just because my issue is what I am talking about doesn't mean you don't get to care about your own issues. Just because I care deeply about something doesn't mean you have to.

When I care about trophy hunting it has zero things to do with how much I care about veterans.

When I care about Sandra Bland it has zero things to do with how much I care about the war against ISIS.

And the even trickier ones for people to imagine. When I care about a police officer who was shot down in the line of duty that has nothing to do with the fact that I also care about a person who was wrongly shot down by a bad cop. Tough one right? You can in fact care about the police as a whole. Think as a whole that they are good people doing a really hard job AND AT THE EXACT SAME TIME want bad cops to be prosecuted and taken off the streets. I would argue that because I have respect for most officers I want the bad ones taken out of the service even more.

Don't tell me what I should care about or not care about. Don't tell me that because I think a trans* person is brave for standing up and telling their story I somehow don't think a firefighter rushing in to a burning building is also brave.

And being outraged over what someone else is outraged about doesn't make you better than them. It makes you worse. Because at least they are outraged over an actual issue that is important to them, you? You are mad that they dare have feelings.

So unless you cannot breathe and pump blood at the same time don't think I can't care about more than one issue at a time.

Weird where they come from...

I got an idea for a story this morning while I was putting on my sport's bra. It's new and very tight, as sport's bras are wont to be so I was doing the hook it in front spin move to put it on and all of a sudden I had a story idea for a girl in middle school and the hazards of fitting in and I had two vignettes already worked out and now I'm trying to decide how long this story is. Is it just a quick write and post or is it part of something that could be longer? Hey, maybe it's a YA novel and I could write it and and get published and actually have a book...I could totally Judy Blume this bitch!

Oh wait...yeah, because I think things like "Judy Blume this bitch" I'm probably not really destined for the YA market...

So then while that idea is brewing in my head I was reading stuff online and just so over the "my outrage is more important than yours" BS and I thought about writing a blog about that then thought..."Wait, I'm pretty sure I've written this blog before" so I went searching. Didn't find it, but I got distracted when the search turned up an odd line that I couldn't remember writing. So I clicked that blog and read it instead and yep, short story I wrote a couple of years ago that was a quick write and post and I had totally forgotten it. Not going to lie, I read it and thought, "I really like this." Which always makes me laugh. Well of course I like it, I wrote it!

But re-reading that story I thought about a book I recently read that was a re-imagining of the Red Riding Hood story and it was always on the cusp of being really good and how much I like that sort of thing when it's done well and maybe I should write more of those. But is the market already overly saturated with things like that? And would I be able to do them well or would someone some where be reading it and thinking, "Well there was a good idea in here that she danced all around but..."

So while I was pondering that line of stories I had a cross communication with someone that pissed me right the fuck off and I had to walk the line between screaming meemies and being the adult and ending up squarely in between. Which is wholly unsatisfying really but sometimes that's the best you can hope for. When a big knock down drag out isn't going to do any good at all and really what you are fighting about is ridiculous and not worth the time or effort, yet at the same time you can't just walk away and let it go because fuck that shit... So you end up with a watered down version of what you wanted to say and your tongue bleeding from being bitten so hard and yet you are still pissed. Ugh.

And so then I went back to trying to decide about the blog for today and realized...

I have to get a good night's sleep tonight. I just fucking have to....