Nevermind...

We watched Montage of Heck last night. It was interesting. But not really enjoyable. If that makes sense.

I have to admit I was not a fan of Nirvana when they first came out. They struck me as whiny and petulant and just all around pains the ass. Years later I could appreciate the music and did like it more for awhile until our alternative station did an all Nirvana all the time stretch and then I was over it again. Now they are hit or miss for me. I have to be in the right mood. But I was never a huge a fan. And especially not a fan of Kurt Cobain.

Last night I was reminded why. I have a real problem with junkies. I know it's a disease. I know it's a sickness. I know addiction is really hard to shake. But I also know that often junkies are just assholes and the addiction is an in addition to, not an entire problem in and of itself. Selfish, liars, mean and nasty. Junkie. Kurt Cobain seems to fall in to the realm of he would have been an asshole anyway and heroin just helped him along that pathway. (see Nikki Sixx)

Kurt Cobain is the same age as Brent and I are (he's a few months older). His daughter is a month and a half older than Christopher. So while Cobain was supposedly the spokesperson for his generation and we were clearly his generation the whole time Nirvana was huge he most certainly didn't speak for me. At the time all I thought about him was quit whining and grow the fuck up. Oh how awful for you to be hugely successful and people want to interview you. Oh how terrible that people who bought your album want to see you on tour. What a real shame for you. Please show up and be a dick to the poor person who is paid to try and get an interview before your show.

Watching last night I was right back there. I always felt like he was trying to be a grown up with important things to say while we were actually being grownups and it bugged the shit out of me that we were supposed to somehow fall in to that grunge what ever man...sort of demographic. And when he killed himself? I was pissed. Not because the world lost this huge talent which is what I was supposed to feel, but that he left his baby with Courtney Love. Though after seeing the video footage of him needle nodding while holding Frances I'm not sure he would have done a great job parenting anyway...

But I was so mad. How could you leave your child like that? With someone you knew had issues? I was just angry. And yes, I know, I was totally projecting since I had a baby that age and could never imagine leaving him voluntarily. And yes, I know, my stance on suicide has shifted dramatically since I was in my 20s. But when you are brought back to where you were your new attitudes have to catch up.

So watching last night I got a sense of why he was the way he was. His life was more than a little messed up. His parents did a lousy job of helping him through it all. There were issues early on that should have been addressed and dealt with. I would guess he had some serious demons he was self medicating away. But he was still an asshole. Talented sure. But being a junkie didn't make him an asshole, he was already there. Being a junkie just made him a junkie asshole.

So then after the movie when we went to bed I had a dream about the last junkie I tried to help. Brent and I were sitting at a table with him and I was saying, "I get that you are a junkie. But really you're just an asshole and I've found a program for you to stop being an asshole, if you are ready to take it."
So now I'm thinking there needs to be a rehab program for assholes more than for junkies. Fix the addiction to being an asshole and maybe the junkie part will go away as well...

It's a thought.

Arting...

I've talked before about how I wish I could draw or paint. I can see the pictures in my head, even how they would be done, but I don't have the talent to move that picture to my hands. It's just not my creative talent. Stick figures. And often they are a little wonky...

Right now there is a BIG canvas. It's a pencil sketch, or could even be ink, but it's all done in black and white. The canvas is covered with a giant sketch of a room. One side of the canvas is much darker, much gloomier and the other really light. Even though it's the same room.

On the dark side there are shelves and they are overflowing with books, and loose paper, and knick knacks. There are piles of things on the floor. Books lying open in the middle of the floor. Lots of things that look half done. Just stuff everywhere. And shadowy. Dark.

The other side of the room is bright and light. There is a window where you can see outside to a forest scene. Trees and maybe some birds. There are book shelves, books, and knick knacks but they are neat. Everything is ordered. Probably as much stuff as the other side, but it's all very tidy. All very kempt. And lots of white space between things so it all looks bright.

In the middle of the room is a desk. It's sort of straddling everything. Transitioning from the dark half on the left to the bright white of the right.

The bright side of the desk has an old-fashioned typewriter, a neat stack of paper sitting next to it. A line typed on the sheet rolled in to the machine.

The dark side of the desk...underneath it...there you see her?

There is a fairy. Wings tucked in at her back. You can see her looking out of the picture at you. In profile. Head tilted, gleam in her eye. Book on the floor next to her hip. Stack of broken pencils at her feet. Hands grasped in front of her tightly...piles of crumple paper covered with scribbles all around her.

I can see it so clearly.

If only I could draw.

The picture...

 and the muse away from the dark half of the desk to the light....

Break out...

So I've been watching a few stories about the prison break in New York. There is speculation that a woman who worked in the prison tailor shop had a relationship with one of the prisoners and helped them in their escape.

What makes you look at a convicted murderer and think, yeah this is a good catch? Some of the stories say that he was an attractive man and very charming. I've seen the mugshots so I'm going to have to disagree on the attractive. And as a con I would guess there is a pretty good shot he was charming. A lot of really horrible people can be. It helps you get away with things if you are charming. There was also a rumor that he is very well endowed and that's why. I have a more difficult time believing that one than the charming. Being impressed by a big dick is really a guy thing. Sorry, but it just is. Most women really do subscribe to the it's not the size of the pencil but how you write your name theory of penis sizes.

But for me when I heard the stories though I thought, how lonely was she? I mean that has to be it right? How lonely was she that he was able to charm her like that? To convince her to help them break out of prison? She ended up having a little nervous breakdown over it and missed the final piece which was the get away car, but she most likely got them the tools and every thing else they needed to get out. So she was on board there for awhile. With no one in her life to tell her what a bad idea it was. No one to give her that piece that was missing so he was able to slide right in and convince her that this was a good idea. How lonely do you have to be for that to happen? (follow all of that with an allegedly, who knows maybe she didn't have anything to do with it at all and the prison is just scapegoating her because they left power tools lying around unsupervised)

I don't really have more for this blog. Just that thought. How awful to be that lonely.

Your money, your problems...

So Franklin Graham has moved his bank account away from Wells Fargo because they ran an ad featuring a lesbian couple. (apparently the real reason might be a little more financially motivated but that's his publicly stated reason) He's also called for other Christians to boycott them. As well as Starbucks, Nike and Tiffany's because they all pay advertising dollars to promote the gay lifestyle.

Okay. Get down with your bad self, if that's what you want to do. I don't give money to the Salvation Army, the Boy Scouts (though that might shift here soon) or Chick-fil-A for pretty much the same reason just swinging the other way on the issue. I vote with my wallet. It's the way it should be done.

Now I would disagree with Mr. Graham on specifics. The ads from those companies that have gay couples in them aren't done to promote the gay lifestyle (which you all know I hate that phrase anyway, but I'm using it since he did). They are doing the ads to encourage gay couples to buy their rings from Tiffany's, to do their banking at Wells Fargo, to grab a cup of coffee from Starbucks, to wear a swoosh on their shoe. Same thing ads featuring straight people, or people you are just left to speculate wildly about their sex lives are meant to do. Advertising for a business is done strictly to promote a lifestyle that includes using that business.

But that former ad exec quibble aside, again, I have zero problem with Mr. Graham, or anyone else, not doing business with someone who they think doesn't share their values. It's okay. It's your money, spend it where you want to. Don't spend it where you don't want to. I don't care. I really don't. You can even encourage others who share your belief system to do the same. Though good luck on this one, especially convincing women of a certain age that Tiffany's is bad. Trust me, I've had this discussion, there are people who won't give up their chicken sandwich no matter if the devil himself was slinging the waffle fries. But let your wallet follow your beliefs.

Now, I do care if businesses want to deny services to people based on those beliefs. Like if Nike started saying they would no longer sell shoes to Christians. That would be a problem. Or if Tiffany's told me as a middle aged woman I could no longer get a blue box with a white ribbon because they were only going to sell to young people. That would be an issue. And don't even get me started on what I would feel about Starbucks denying anyone the opportunity to get caffeinated. That would just be cruel and unusual punishment.

As an individual you get to decide where to spend your money. Who to give your charitable donations to. Which chicken sandwich you are going to pay for. Those are all your choices. Vote with your wallet. Now if you get a chicken sandwich, you also have to pay for it. You agreed to that when you ordered the food, because that's the law.

As a business serving the public they get to serve the public. And depending on where they run their business there are laws around whom they can and cannot deny those services to. And they get to follow those, because they agreed to it when they got their business license. That's the law.

It's really pretty simple right?

Oh I know...I can hear you all laughing from here...

Be a fan not a fanatic...

Before I go any further in this blog I want to warn you. There will be a Game of Thrones spoiler. It's from the most recent TV episode so if you haven't watched it yet, don't read any further. And it's not happened in the books. But it appears that it's coming. That this is one of those where George RR let them know what was going to happen soon and they already put it in the show. So if you don't want the books spoiled don't read any further. We clear? SPOILER ALERT has been issued...venture further at your own risk!!


Okay? Ready?

One of the bonus things that comes with watching Game of Thrones is watching how outraged people get the next day over the episode. About what brutal thing happened. The interesting part to me is how arbitrary the outrage seems. A few weeks ago Sansa was raped on her wedding night and people freaked out. Not that she was raped necessarily, but that SHE was raped. See in the books it's a different character. And from what I've gathered it's a much more brutal and depraved scene. But because it was Sansa people were outraged. Okay...

This weeks outrage is another one like the Sansa story-line for me. We knew it was coming. The signs had been there all along. The character told you exactly who he was and what he was willing to do. And yet, Monday morning people are freaking out because it was too much! How could he? How could they? Oh no...

See one of the characters sacrificed his daughter to his god. Burned her alive. It was brutal to watch the scene. The actress that plays (played?) Shireen was incredible on the show and this scene was outstanding. For a child actor especially she is brilliant. And because she has been so brilliant and because she is Stannis' daughter every part of you was sure that he would back down. Because you would right? Anyone normal would. Even though we've seen Stannis burn people alive before. Even though we know he killed his own brother. Even though we know his wife is just as big of a religious fanatic as he is. Even though we know all of these things we are still shocked. Who sacrifices their child to their god?

Well a lot of people do.

Maybe not in such a dramatic way, but it happens all the time.

A few weeks ago we were at a wedding for friends of ours. For one of the brides the family she had there consisted of one blood relative and then all of the "family" she has picked up through the years. Her parents weren't there. They have no relationship to her. Because she's a lesbian. They sacrificed her to their god you see. Now the other bride had all of her family there. Lots and lots of family. Her grandfather officiated the service. They prayed and blessed the union. They welcomed their daughter's new bride in to their family as their own. They thanked god for bringing the two of them together and for the love they have for each other. They did not sacrifice their child to their god.

You see?

In my family when my nephew came out friends of my brother and sister abandoned them. Told them that they couldn't be around such sin. This is after my brother and sister stood by them when the male half of the couple had been accused of a heinous crime, by the way. Heinous. They stood by them during that, but a gay son? Oh no, not going to happen. They sacrificed the child to their god.

In many religious families over the years the second sound you heard after coming out was the door slamming behind you. Kids got kicked out of homes. Disowned. Disavowed. Or sent away to "counselling" to "fix" the issue. They were sacrificed to their family's god. It's getting better, but it still happens.

In the church I grew up in our youth minister was a pedophile. When it was discovered he was banished from the church for being gay. Yep. They called him gay and sent him out in to the world instead of calling him what he was, a pedophile, and calling the police. And they felt this was the right decision to make. According to the church elders his sin was that he liked boys, not that his crime was he abused BOYS. And the scandal that would have hit the church if he had been prosecuted? No way they were going to let that happen. They sacrificed their children to their god.

I was also raised with the belief system that I was responsible for not only my own sexuality and sexual thoughts but those of every man around me. Men are so weak, you know. Just the sight of me in a low cut blouse could cause their rapist nature to overwhelm them, and really could you blame them? I mean, cleavage. It's why when my attempted rapist wanted to shut me up all he had to say was, "No one will believe you. I will say you led me on." And he was right, they wouldn't have. See they had sacrificed their girls to their god.

The reality show family going through the wringer right now? 19 Sins and Counting? Their stance is summed up with a few talking points, it was over the clothes sometimes, it was while they were asleep sometimes, some of them were too young to even know what was happening, we asked around and a lot of boys in the church were doing the same thing...They sacrificed their daughters to their god. The "help" they got for their son? A summer job, basically. Well and I'm sure they prayed over it. The girls? They got a lock on their bedroom door. Which is all good and everything, but I want you to think about that for just a second. Every night as you go to sleep make sure you lock your bedroom door because your molester is right outside. You need to make sure the boogeyman doesn't get you, because we aren't going to. We've sacrificed you to our god.

Lot offered up his daughters to be raped. Abraham took Issac to the mountain to sacrifice him. The entire Christian religion is based on a father sacrificing his son.

So really was that scene about a fanatic sacrificing his daughter to his god really all that shocking?

I wish it had been.

Pure distilled me...

I read someplace that as you age you become more and more you. You shed the bullshit, the unimportant things, the things that never quite worked out for you and just become more and more you.

I see this happening to not only me now, but to a lot of my friends as well. The voices we used to keep in our heads seem to leak out a lot more now. The opinions that we would have thought twice about sharing when we were younger we let fly at every chance. And I wonder sometimes if this is a good thing.

I mean, not where I'm concerned, I know with my own things it's great. I am just becoming even more awesome. But with some of my other friends? The shit they say? The positions they take? Oh my god...they are insane. Do they even understand that they are saying that crazy shit out loud? Where people can hear them??

Okay, I'm kidding. Sort of.

There are times when I hear a friend say something and I think to myself, there is no way you can actually believe that. But then I look back over our years of knowing each other and I see the pieces that were always there. The times they said something that was sort of coming up on that opinion sideways. Just testing the waters. Now they are in full voice about it and I have to say, okay, yeah, I should have seen that coming.

And I kind of wonder where it's all going to lead to. Do we all reach that "You kids get off of my lawn!" moment where the people who distilled down to our opposites are just let go? Or will we grow old together yelling at each other about how wrong the other one is? I would guess there will be a mix.

A few weeks ago I went to look for an old friend on my Facebook list. I hadn't seen a post by her in a long time and normally this time of year she's fairly active. Well as a surprise to me we are no longer friends. That's why I wasn't seeing her things. We were never FRIENDS we were always friends and our politics have never matched up. I had noticed over the past few years that she was becoming even further away from center and my guess is she noticed the same about me. She just reached that "I can't even" point towards me before I reached it towards her.

Because I am even farther from center on a lot of things than I used to be. And I was pretty far away to start with. But as I've gotten older I've lost all of my tolerance, or pretend tolerance for hateful bullshit. I've become more and more aware of my lack of patience for people who treat others badly. And I've become much freer with pointing out the times I think someone is being an idiot. Though there are still times I try to just let it go.

I'm not completely firm in a lot of areas, I still think there is more of me to be discovered. And along those lines I have very little patience for people who are so sure that they are always right they cannot even entertain a different point of view. A closed mind cannot let in a new thought. And I cannot be around people who are unable to take in more information when it's available. Decisions change based on information we have right now. If you are never going to let yourself experience new information you are stuck. I have no interest in stuck.

So who am I now? What am I becoming as I distill down to pure ME? I'm kinder than I was when I was younger. I'm more open minded (that probably has helped with the kindness). But I'm also less tolerant of bullshit. And I have no patience at all for willful ignorance. Which is making sort of a weird mix right now. Though, I've never been able to abide by rudeness or stupidity so I should have seen this coming...

Choices...

We are at a few crossroads right now. Trying to decide on things are BIG (in our world at least) decisions to make and wanting different things fairly equally. It makes making a choice really hard.

When George died I said I was waiting a year before I would get another pet. Well, this week is a year. I still miss that little shit head very much, but it's not like when Sampson died and we got George and Gracie right away. I wasn't ready for them. As cute as they were, they weren't Sampson. Now if we got a new pet they wouldn't be a replacement. They would be a pet.

Out walking this morning in Washington Park and we passed quite a few people and their dogs. Portland is a big dog town. Not that the dogs are big, though some are, but that we have a lot of dogs. And a lot of dog friendly places. To the point that people are truly insulted if they can't bring their dog in to your store or restaurant. Dogs are important out here. And truly both Brent and I love dogs. I always had dogs growing up. And we've talked about getting one now that we (I) have time to really give to taking care of one. And with my new dot obsession (Misfit Shine) taking the dog for a walk absolutely guarantees dots on the weekend.

And of course I love cats. I think personality wise you just can't go wrong with a cat. They always have an interesting one. And it can change multiple times in one day. They want attention when they want it. They want to be left the fuck alone with they don't. Yes, I totally understand there is a reason I am drawn to cats, but we don't usually say it out loud.

So anyway, we are at a year now. Do we get another pet? Or two? Maybe a dog and a cat this time? Get them both young so they can be friendly instead of hate each other. And here is the big confession. I really like not having pets. There is no litter to scoop. No poop to pick up. No vomit to scrub. No vet trips or vet bills. No impatient feed me nudges on weekend mornings (well Brent still gets them but at least it's just me and not a whole menagerie). It's really kind of nice. The house stays cleaner. We can spend the day or the night away from the house and not have to worry. And when we go away for a weekend or longer there is no pet sitting to have to arrange. It's really been kind of sweet.

So I say no pets. Not right now.

Then I see a picture of a kitten. Or a new puppy out learning to walk on its leash. Or an older dog sitting in the shade while their owner drinks coffee and I think....it would be nice to have a pet again. They are such good companions. Really good motivators to get out and do stuff. We should totally head to the pound today.

And then there is the house. Yes, I know. We have made the final decision on the house at least a hundred times. Today out hiking we passed along the edges of the houses built in the middle of Washington Park. Brent asked if I wanted to walk through the neighborhood and see if anything was available. I just laughed. There is nothing in there we could afford. They are gorgeous though. And set in the woods. Just perfect. And when I cook in this kitchen and have no exhaust fan so my whole house ends up smelling like smoked meat it drives me crazy. So those things make me think, we have to move! And I know Brent really wants a place with outdoor space. And out of this neighborhood. And he wants the kitchen vent as well, so he doesn't have to listen to me bitch anymore. So we just have to move.

But then we look. And to find someplace ready to move in to that we want we are looking at about 2.5- 3x what our place is right now. So maybe we buy someplace cheaper and do a big remodel. Great idea. But then the base is more than what we owe now and we have to add the remodel costs to that. So our monthly nut is going to be much higher. And is that really what I want to spend our money on? I mean we are at the point now where a weekend trip down to California just to see friends get married was within our grasp. As well as a trip back to NM. And a trip to Austin. And a possible weekend in Memphis. And a few trips back to Michigan. And hockey tickets, and BAA tickets, and football tickets...do I want to start cutting back on those things just to have a few things in the house I don't have now? So we absolutely don't want to move.

So that's where we are. We are for sure moving and getting a dog and a cat and staying put with no pets so we are free to travel on a whim.

Also, don't bother asking your husband what you should blog about when you are stuck for ideas. His response won't surprise you, but it won't be as helpful as he thinks it is....