Just a little paint...

First coat of paint done. She stood back and looked at the wall. And laughed.

It actually seemed to highlight the spot instead of camouflage it. She could still clearly see the outline of the old china cabinet. Well a few more coats of paint should do it, after all that spot had a lot of catching up to do.

The cabinet had been so heavy and so big that they had decided it was easier to paint around it over the years. There was no where else it could go in their small, we'll just stay here until we have kids, until the kids are out of elementary school, middle school, high school, place. The plain beige wall that greeted her when the cabinet was finally gone was a surprise. She had forgotten what color it had originally been.

That section of wall had missed the first application of slate blue that it was now wearing. And the sage green. And the fiesta orange. And the mauve that she had loved so much in the mid 80s until the morning she woke up and hated it and they had to paint the whole house NOW...what was it that time? Seafoam? She couldn't even remember anymore. But all of those coats of paint were on the walls; one layer over another. And primer for those very bold choices. Except for the china cabinet shaped space she was now looking at.

She had sanded the edges of the painted area down before starting. There had been so much paint there had been a ridge. A clear line of before and now. She had thought that would take care of it. That a smooth transition from one to the other would be enough once a fresh coat of paint went up. But no such luck. Now she had a lighter colored blue patch of wall shaped just like a china cabinet.

For a second she thought about running to Home Depot and buying some drawer pulls and attaching them to the wall. Making it an art piece. She loved the idea for a little while, until like the mauve paint she hated it. A shadow of a former life. That's all it would be. A reminder of what was here but now is gone.

She would not get maudlin over this.

Maudlin. Maaauuudlin.

What a great word. Maudlin. Were women named Madeline more likely to get maudlin? She giggled to herself.

Okay, time to open a window. The paint fumes must be thicker than she thought.

She sat outside on the porch and drank a Coke. How long to wait between coats of paint? She checked her phone. Google says an hour. Wow. That's not too bad. Didn't it take longer before? It used to take a day at least, right? Longer before you could just move on. Pretend like the cabinet was never there.

When the movers had come to take that piece and the others away he had stood at the door to what used to be his house, waiting to be asked in. She had stood behind him. A younger version of what he already had. Hair still red without the dye assist. Face still smooth even in natural light. Directing the movers with what they were taking. Taking things that didn't belong to her.

When the cabinet was moved and the bare wall stood out one of the moving guys had whistled, "Look at that, it's like a shadow."

She had smiled sweetly, "Yes, like a shadow. But don't worry, nothing that a few coats of paint and a little time won't fix. Soon you'll never even see the difference."

She finished her Coke and walked back inside. Time for another round.

Looking at the room she noticed how much bigger it looked with that heavy old piece.

Do you trust me?

Standing at the top of the tower looking down the giant water slide.

Legs shaking.

Teeth chattering.

"Do you trust me?" he asked.

She looked deep in to his eyes.

Trying to see only him.

Not how impossibly high they were.

Not how terrifyingly steep the water slide was.

Just see him.

"Do you trust me?" he asked again.

Heights weren't her favorite.

Everyone knew that.

But you have to challenge yourself.

That's what he told her.

So now she stood at the top of the Raging Rapids.

"Do you trust me?" he asked slower this time.

She took a deep rattling breath.

Her palms were sweating now.

The attendant gave her a small smile.

"You can always go back down the stairs. You wouldn't be the first to change your mind."

He blocked her view.

"Do you trust me?" once again. Now with an edge. A demand.

She gathered herself together.

Walked to the edge of the slide.

"No."

And with that she let go and plunged in to the rapids alone.

Updates...

Okay here we are at the end of the first month of new goals. How is it going?

Well...

To get to 10 lbs down by the end of March it averages out to 3 1/3 pounds a month. I lost 1.8.

To get to 85 books read in a year I need to average right at 7 a month. I read 6.

To get to 180 blogs in a year I need to average 15 a month. This makes number 12.

So yeah, I'm a little behind on the tangibles. How about the rest?

Cooking at least three times a week? Except for the week my kitchen was torn up that has been working out well. Even worked it around an abundance of hockey games this week. And it has been fun and is widening our choices quite a bit. Blue Apron has a vegetarian option as well as the one we are doing. I am somewhat tempted to sign up for that one as well to cover three more nights. But Brent's not too sure about that one. And honestly 6 nights might be pushing it most weeks. At least during hockey season.

Stepping up my workouts again? I've increased all of my base weights and cardio time. So that's going well.

Tai Chi? I've learned three out of six sections. I can go from parting the wild horse's mane to repulsing the monkey step back four times with nary a hesitation. Once I've got all of them memorized then we will see how it works as a moving meditation. Right now it's still kind of a moving, "Wait? What? Left arm push and what?" But I'm getting there.

So things are progressing.

The weight thing is (of course) the one that makes me the most crazy. Because I am predisposed to crazy where that is concerned. I started out way ahead of the curve and then gained weight back. Now it could be the cold, it could be my body holding on to weight just because I've been so mean to it over the decades. It could just be a fluke and I will drop it all back off next week. But it's still frustrating. But I'm still keeping everything I am doing really public so I don't go off the rails, or at least am less likely to. Or when I do someone will catch it. How is that?

Books and blogs I can make up for pretty easily. So that shouldn't be a problem to catch up on. There's a new Gaiman book out next week so that should be devoured in a day. Worst case scenario a blog a day month and I have a full month of catch up taken care of. I also just realized I didn't post a single piece of fiction in January. How odd. I'll have to make up for that in February. Maybe some really lousy Valentine's Day poetry.

Right now I am finishing putting my house back together from the new floors. The baseboards are all re-installed I just need to put a line of caulk on them and they are done. Which is really not fun. Messy and disgusting actually. But I should have them finished soon. Painting the wall in the living room after that. Finding a rug or chair mat solution for the chairs in the study. Getting a new couch to replace our busted one. Then looking to see what we want to do next with the house.

So that's where I am on goals and projects so far. One twelfth of the year done.

How are you all doing so far?

Get it out!!

So as you all know my house has been in varying states of disarray the past two weeks. Part of it when they were putting in the new floors and part as I start putting the baseboards back on and putting the house back together again. What these two things combined to do was to keep me off of the computer for awhile. Not offline. I had my phone and my tablet, but off of the computer. Where I do my writing.

I did set it up last week in an awkward space and wrote a quick blog. But balancing the keyboard on my knees while I sat on the floor didn't really work for me. And this week even though the desk is set back up I've been too busy, or in the case of yesterday too sick, to sit down and write. Which has put me a few blogs behind where I wanted to be for the month, but more interestingly has lead to seepage...

Okay, nothing gross. But I noticed earlier this week that my status updates on Facebook have gotten longer and longer. If I wasn't going to make time to sit down and write my subconscious was going to take the time to at least let off a little of the pressure. So instead of one or two lines cracking a joke or talking about sports there were three and four paragraph long musings about random aspects of life. Hmm....three or four paragraphs of randomness? If only I had someplace that could go.

I get like this when I don't read as well. I notice that if I haven't spent some time reading a book (magazines and online news stories don't fill that need; it has to be books) two things happen. First off I start to get a little cranky. Secondly I start to read everything else. Descriptions on the food boxes, the fine print on internet TOS agreements, billboards, t-shirts, any words any where. It's like I get a little starved for them so I must find them someplace else. If I don't find the words the words find me.

So I have to say I'm actually pretty pleased that writing has become like that as well. I've finally done enough writing, consistently enough, that I miss it when I'm not doing it. That there will be seepage in to other areas if I don't sit down at the computer and work on a project or type out a blog.

Even if it is just a short one over lunch just to release a little of the pressure cooker going on in my head.



And lastly a wish for Colleen McCullough. I read my copy of The Thorn Birds so many times it fell apart. I am pretty sure there was a cycle for a few years where it went The Thorn Birds, East of Eden, Flowers for Algernon, toss in a few new things, rinse and repeat...  rest in peace, Ms. McCullough. And thank you.

Perspective...

Your view of the world depends entirely on where you are standing.

Yesterday I watched a few different discussion on Facebook. I watched old friends from high school debate and discuss the merits of a TV show in a way that never ever crossed my mind. I watched people reshape and reform Dr. King in to a variety of soundbites and messages that fit their worldview. I overheard my floor guys talking about budgets and then had a funny interaction with them that lead Brent to decide I was probably the star of a "You won't believe this woman" conversation in the floor guy's house.

So let's start with the floor guys. At one point the younger of the two was talking budgets with the older. He was saying how he kept telling his wife she had to watch the bank account. They had X number of dollars in the account and X number of bills that hadn't hit yet and with Christmas there were extra things so they really needed to be on top of it watching. I thought to myself how well I remembered those days. It doesn't seem like too terribly long ago that there was a lot of month left at the end of our money.

So at the end of the day they were clearing out the old flooring. They had been stacking it in the garage during the day and pulled their van around to load up at the end. There was a little pile of sawdust and junk that they asked if I had a dust pan for. I said not to worry about it, I would get it next time I cleaned out the garage. He said he could get it with his hands, and scooped it up. I said, seriously, don't worry, it's just a garage. And he looked up and said, "It's a garage with an Audi in it." I laughed and said, "Well sure, don't dump the trash on the Audi, but it's just a garage."

I might remember what it was like to be watching the bank account that closely but to him? I'm the woman who is paying someone else to put in my floors and isn't worried about a pile of junk near my expensive car. It's all about perspective.

The TV show that was being discussed? Empire. I have it on my DVR. Looks like Nashville with Hip Hop so I will give it a try. That was my thought process. The discussion I read yesterday was between two friends from high school and other friends of theirs. All African American and the discussion was a lot deeper than, Looks like Nashville with Hip Hop. It was much more about representation of Black Culture in general and Hip Hop specifically. Did it help or hurt the image of an entire group of people? Should it be supported even though there are some negative stereotypes just to show that there is an audience for a non-white drama? And were they unfair stereotypes or just a reflection of history? So much more to consider than I ever would. Because when I see a show like Nashville I never even think that people would consider it being a representation of all white people. Duck Dynasty has nothing to do with me. And neither does The Real Housewives of where ever they are from this season.

But because most people on TV are white I don't ever think about it. Because I've seen my face on screen forever in a wide variety of roles it doesn't even cross my mind to worry about the message that is being sent out. I can even roll my eyes at people who think Portlandia is the way we all are, and it really is a spoof on where I am. Because it all depends on where you are standing. Perspective.

I saw Dr. King described as a man of peace. As a man of action. As a man who was calm and as a man who was an agitator. I saw him claimed by every group there was. I saw someone post a reminder that he wasn't a hero to all when he died and was a lightning rod personality. I saw someone insult a huge swath of their friend base and probably not even understand how they did it. I read a blog that reminded us all that though we have a long way to go it's okay to acknowledge how far we've come. I saw people post quotes that had been cherry picked to prove a point they were trying to make and wondered if they had ever listened to a full speech by him? Or read a book about him? Or understood anything more than that he "had a dream?"

I listened to an interview with David Oyelowo about how he felt it was easier for him to play Dr. King because he wasn't raised here in the states. He didn't have all of the baggage and symbolism that was tied up in growing up black in the US with Dr. King as the mythic figure, he was able to get in to understanding Dr. King the man easier. And then he also spoke about growing up in Nigeria and how that made it easier for him all the way around compared to black people growing up in the states or in the UK. He wasn't a minority. He never had the minority mindset. He could spend less time breaking through and more time just being. He talked about how he felt Sidney Poitier was the same way. Since he grew up someplace else, where his color was not the first thing people took in, he never had the feeling that he couldn't and so he did. He had a great line, "He couldn't understand the notion that everything on the plate wasn't his to eat." It's all about where you are standing.

So yeah, yesterday was all about lessons on perspective. A reminder that your world view is all based on where you are standing at the time. Interesting day.

Adjustments...

I spent the morning trying to fix a kitchen cabinet that wasn't closing quite right. I noticed it yesterday and worked on it a bit then but couldn't make any headway so left it for today. After a few more tweaks and a youtube video I've got it to good enough. It's still not perfect but it's closing enough now that it won't make me crazy.

While I was working on it Brent asked if I needed help. I said not yet. I was still working on it. When I was looking online for help he asked again, a valid question since the answers I was finding online were "move the screw" well thanks, internet geniuses, I know that! Which fucking way? But again I said, no, not yet. And he let me work through it. Now that I am finished he might take a crack at it to try and make it perfect or he might not. But he didn't touch it while I was still adjusting the hinge myself.

In the beginning of our marriage he would have come in to help me and taken over the project. Most likely it would have been done quicker and with less back and forth trying to figure it out, but it would not have been done smoothly. Because I would have been mad. Let me do it. Let me try. It took a few years of him not understanding that his helping me wasn't really helping to figure that one out. He had the best of intentions but I didn't want help. I wanted to do it myself. Once we worked that out he understands that I will ask when I need help and other than that let me struggle until I can figure it out myself. I know it's hard for him because he really wants to make my life easier and it's hard for him to understand that for me easier isn't always better.

Adjustments come in all shapes and sizes.

Working toward my goals with weight and I am making adjustments there as well. First off I have given Brent access to my food diary. Now the main reason is that he tracks his food as well and it's easier to just go in and copy a meal that I've figured out the calories on than to try and re-enter all of it on his own. The other part is that I know he can look and see what I've eaten for the day. He most likely won't. But I know that he can. So when I start to get weird. I mean if...if...okay, yeah, who are we kidding, when...when I start to get weird and start gaming the system with not quite enough calories or just a skosh too much workout for what I am eating he can see that and start watching. You have to understand where your crazy is and make adjustments. For me that means when I am working on losing weight I make it very very public. That way I'm not as likely to get too obsessive. Too crazy. Too thin. Adjustments.

On the flip side there are also other adjustments to make to keep on the right track. Next week we are getting the floors redone. Which means that I have no idea how much a of a wreck my kitchen will be at any point during the day. I've cancelled my Blue Apron delivery for next week and figure I will eat out most of the week. Which means making sure I stay within calorie goals with restaurant food. Not as easy. Also I work out in the morning after I drop Brent off at work. The floor guys will be here between 8:30 and 9 which doesn't really give me enough time to drop him off, go to the gym, come home and shower. So he is going to go to work a few minutes early so I can get a workout in. Adjustments. I could just not work out next week, and eat out all week, and watch what I gained (lost?) disappear. But I don't want to do that. I want to get through this so my knees feel better and so I feel better. So we adjust.

Last week I was mad at something someone said to me. Just pissed me off. Brent asked if I would have been mad if anyone else had said it or if it was because this person said it. And I had to think about it. Because it's true. We adjust our reactions based on the people around us all of the time. I have friends who are like me and take very few things seriously so I expect them to come back with a quip and a joke to most everything I say. I have friends who are a little more serious and so they don't. It's hard for me because sometimes I give the "wrong" response. Last night a friend was being serious and I made a joke, best of intentions, I knew she was upset and I was hoping to get her to smile, but it wasn't what she needed at that point, so I needed to adjust my response to what she was looking for, what she needed. I gave it a try and hopefully she understood that I was there for her however she needed me to be.

Don't fix it, let me struggle through it, easier isn't always better, work on the goals without going crazy and make sure you know who you are talking to. Adjustments come in all shapes and sizes.

Hiding...

I'm hiding in the study while the plumber fixes my sink.

Okay, not really hiding, he knows where I am. I'm just hiding like not sitting out in the kitchen watching him work.

I hate having strangers in the house; I know that's shocking since I'm such a social person, (yes, that was sarcasm) which always makes it awkward when you have to have repairs done. I never know exactly what to do. Standing and watching them work seems really odd, like you don't trust them to do the job, but honestly if I knew how to do the job I would be doing it myself right? And not watching them seems like sort of dismissive...like, "Oh you...fix this!" So I always try and make a little polite small talk then go away.

Next week is going to be like the pinnacle of ick for me. We are having the floors replaced on the main floor so I will have a week of workers in the house, in my main living space. Starting at 8:30 every day. It should be full on uncomfortable. Do I have to make chit chat every day? Can I just hide upstairs in my room? That's what I did when they redid all of the windows. I hid in the basement. But I had the excuse of it being cold and needing to keep the cats locked up so that worked. Now I am just saying, "Yeah, I don't really like people too much, no offense, so I will be avoiding you whenever possible, mmmkay?"

But today it's all about the pipes. There were two things wrong, the first being our patched together mishmash of plumbing. You might have remembered me bitching about this when I had to replace the garbage disposal. At the time I opted to just put the puzzle back together the wonky way they had it instead of having the entire area re-plumbed. The second is the pipes are actually clogged. So when the dishwasher started to drain yesterday the water hit the plug and backed up. Then it kept hitting it, and BLEWY! there go the wonky pipes. Leaks from every joint. Then finally they completely uncoupled. Ugh.

Good news is the plumber fixed the wonkiness and is now snaking the drain to fix the clog. The floors are getting replaced next week so the water all over them isn't even freaking me out too badly. A little, sure, I have a feeling when they pull up the old flooring there is going to be an expensive surprise waiting, but since I have a feeling it's coming I will be okay.

Today.

Yesterday I was overwhelmed and covered in hot dishwasher water trying to clean up a mess that was getting bigger by the second and I was already knee deep in to another project and well...there might have been tears.

But today? Today I'm all...let me write you a check, you fix it!

.....

Okay, well...the plumber just made a "hunh..." noise. Looks like it could end up being a really big check. And I could be hiding for a very long time. Send food....