Follow ups...

Ten years. That's how long it's been since the story I wrote about in today's Throw Back Thursday posting. Reading it I have to imagine that people who know me can't imagine me ever acting that way. And I have to say I am shocked as well. Because I did. For at least a year I was fairly unrecognizable. I took shit, I took grief, I took slights, and I brushed them off. At least publicly. I bitched to friends and I cried to Brent. But I needed the job. Or at least I felt like I needed it. Looking back I should have had more confidence and walked away to another space. But I didn't feel like I could.

Insecurity leaks in from one area and bleeds in to others. And at the time I was feeling really insecure.

I talked about it when I wrote about work at that time. How I had never had to deal with the whole "mean girl" thing and I was completely incapable of handling it. If it had been a group of guys I would have told them to fuck off and been done with it. And eventually that's pretty much what happened. I blew up at my boss told him that I wasn't putting up with it any more and I was quitting, and since I was managing the lion's share of the client billings at the time...well...things changed.

And here is the second part that is really odd for people to understand. Especially my husband. The woman in that story? I am still friendly with her. I know, right? But let me tell you why. 

See, when I had my two stage epiphany (I could link the old blogs but am feeling really lazy so know that they are back in 2009) and the first part was "don't let who they are change who you are" I knew that I wasn't going to be nasty back to them. And then when I reached the second part which was that I didn't have to stay at that job and allow them access to me anymore either the shift came. When my boss took the ringleaders aside and basically said I would leave and they would end up out of work because of it they realized they had lost their game. But being mean girls means never having to take the blame. So they pinned it all on the woman from the first story.

See? They were nice girls really...it was all her. And all of the grief they had been sending my way for the past year they turned to her. 

And I realized that I felt badly for her. 

Because my guess (and it's just a guess here because we've never talked about it) is that she was part of that group in the beginning because she was used to hanging around with those sorts of girls. The nastiest comment in the email chain came from a friend of hers, not from anyone there, after all. And since she was older than I am and the rest were younger my other guess is being part of that nasty little clique made her feel young and accepted. Since I was never interested in being part of that sort of group when I was younger or when I was older I didn't have the same need to belong. Which of course made me the perfect target at first. 

But as upsetting as it was to me, someone who didn't really know how to deal with it? Imagine how awful it was for her. These were people she had bonded with. People she had hung around with. Spent quality girl time with. And now they turned on her. Quickly and completely. Den of vipers. But how much worse for her than it was for me. I mean after all she knew exactly how nasty they could be and the sorts of things they were saying behind her back. 

So I forgave her. Without ever confronting her. Don't let who they are change who you are. 

But don't get me wrong, because I am who I am, and it's not all sunshine and light here, I hope that at some level by still being in her life somewhere in her mind I am a reminder not to treat people like shit, because you never know if you will the next one on the bottom of the shoe...

Quick dash of politics...

So this morning I posted a Rock the Vote video to my timeline. In the video they have people talking about why they are voting, what their issue is. I liked the idea of it. I think we are horrible voters in this country. We don't do it in large enough numbers and we are rarely actually informed about who and why we vote the way we do. Just a hint, picking a party and voting for all of them is fucking ridiculous. And truth be told I would rather you stay home and don't vote if you can't be bothered to actually do a bit of research as to why you are voting the way you are.

Anyway...I got a notification of a like and when I clicked to see I was taken to the original posting of the video and got to see a half dozen comments about it. Basically what it boiled down to was the video was too liberal. The people stating their reasons were Hollywood types, and you know how those conservatives hate celebrities, why I believe it was Ronald Reagan who once said...."Ted Nugent, my boy, what can we do about all of these actors and singers saying political things? Maybe we should call Clint Eastwood and get his opinion."

Anyway...

So all of the things these celebrities were turning out to vote for were liberal issues, not conservative. Like women's rights and deforestation and education reform and prison reform and...wait? Why are those things liberal issues? That's just stupid. It's like back in the days of Bush the younger where the conservative party decided they were the party of family values and people just let them get away with it. What? Like liberals don't care about their families? Are you now trying to tell me that conservatives don't care about education? Because I'm pretty sure the majority of the people I have seen not happy about common core have been a little more to the right. That's education reform.

And guess what? Turning out because gun control is your issue doesn't mean you are left or right. You can be for MORE gun control or LESS gun control. Whichever way you go, it's your issue. Find the candidate that agrees with you and look at what else they agree with and then decide if that's who you are voting for.

GMOs are on our ballot this year. I will be voting on GMO issues. I have a strong opinion about them so I will vote. But just by my stating that you don't know which way I will be voting. Just that I will. (yes, I know those of you that know me know exactly how I will be voting, but that's beside the point!) There are ballot measures, candidates, issues, potential laws so many things that need decided. It's not a liberal issue or a conservative one to say look at your issues and then vote! Sheesh...but if you insist on viewing a video and deciding you don't like it because it is encouraging a lot of liberals to go out and vote this fall my suggestion to you is to make that point when you repost it and encourage your conservative friends to educate themselves on the issues and vote as well.

Educate yourself.
Get yourself armed with information.

Then rock that vote!

Ouch...

I cannot straighten my arms without wincing. Or I guess I should say I couldn't. It's a little better today. Though it will probably be worse again tomorrow.

See I changed one thing in my workout on Monday. I added a different arm exercise. That on top of the others I do was challenging. Which is good. I've mentioned before I am vain about my arm and back muscles. I tend to be able to get good enough definition there that I feel fitter than I really am by working them out. Anyway, I added that one new exercise Monday. And then the garbage disposal fell off the sink Monday afternoon so I had to put that back together.

Why are those things related?

Well, I worked my arms hard Monday morning and then had to turn around and lift and hold the disposal while laying under the sink. It isn't that heavy normally but holy cow was I having issues by the time I was done. The angles were tricky. The weight of the thing seemed to be increasing by the second. Getting it lined up. Then realizing the pipes had moved too much so I was going to have to take it off and fix them again. By the time I was done I was shaking.

Which led to the the wincing when I straightened my arms yesterday.

They really would just like to stay bent and rested.

And then this morning as I did my workout I am pretty sure my right biceps said, "Oh no you don't!"at about rep 12 in my second set. It came out more as a whimper, but I think it was supposed to be sassy attitude. So I imagine tomorrow I will be super sore again. Ouch.

So why do it? Knowing that I will be sore. Knowing that Friday when I go to carry my bag on the plane and pop it in the overhead I will be thinking, WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH MY ARMS?? And more to the point why will I be back at the gym Monday morning doing it again?

Because the only way to change the way my arms look is to work them. And the only work that will actually do any change is going to stress them. And the stress on the muscle is going to cause some pain while it repairs itself. But it's that repairing that is going to make all the difference in the world. A stressed muscle that has healed is stronger. Even if it hurts to go through the process.

No matter how much it hurts while we heal when we do heal we come out the other side stronger.

Yes, it's a metaphor. Doesn't make it less true.

Heal. Get stronger.

And remember while you are in the worst of it, it will get better. You will get stronger. Life is challenging but the challenges are what change us and what makes us better. Healthier.

Stronger.

Oh I hate it when this happens...

I have a touch of writer's block. I set these arbitrary number goals that seem like such a good idea to make sure I write and write a lot and then...

(Imagine a giant flashing cursor in a field of endless white here)

I'm sure it has to do with the fact that I want to do 31 blogs this month and I am not really sure if I am going to get through that. Or then again it could be because I've got a lot of half formed ideas tossing in my head right now and I'm not sure which thread to pull. Or it could be because part of me feels a bit like I've said everything I have to say right now and maybe I should just be quiet for awhile.

Okay, so let me pick a half formed topic and just run with it.

What do you do about friends who hold beliefs that you find to be not just "not yours" but truly offensive? You like other things about them but every once in awhile they pop off with something that you just are taken aback by. It's racist. Or sexist. Or homophobic. Or just really not your thing at all. What do you do? Do you call them out on it? Ignore it? Tell yourself that they have a lot of other fine qualities?

I'm sort of struck by this on Facebook every once in awhile. Someone will post some stupid little meme and I will think, "Can you not see how racist/sexist/vile that is?" But then I wonder, do I say something or just ignore it. And usually I just ignore it. I'm not going to change anyone's mind, right? But them sometimes I just can't so I have to say something. And it usually does zero good. So what should be done?

I will give you a for instance here. Last week a friend of mine posted this really truly awful piece about a supposed crime. I have to say supposed and allegedly here because it was (to me) obviously completely made up. I mean top to bottom fabrication. The blog he linked used a lot of "unnamed sources" but he believed it because it was written about a Muslim. And he believes that Islam in inherently violent. So for him once he started reading this truly vile story all of his bullshit meters shut down because he easily believes the worst things about someone as soon as you say Muslim. When I pointed out that this was an "unnamed sources" "people say" article I was ignored while the "SEE???" people fed off of each other. And then the last thing he said in comments was "The only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing." Which made me think...should I have done more?

Because see, that's the thing. I don't think he realizes that from my point of view those sorts of links, the look at this how awful, stuff is the evil. Now, I am going to do something that I never do. I'm invoking Hitler and Nazi Germany.

When you study WWII and the holocaust specifically what is one of the major questions you are always left with? How could this have happened? How in the world could an entire country full of people start to believe the things that were said about the Jews? There was a systematic dehumanizing done first. Propaganda. Books for kids. A whole slew of time spent making sure that Germans did not think of the Jews as people but as a problem.

And as I watch people who I normally consider decent individuals lump an entire religion together under an extremist umbrella and cannot see, in fact will flat out argue with you, that they are wrong about doing that, I wonder how close we really are to doing the same thing. Watch CNN "interview" Reza Aslan and remind yourself that you are watching CNN, not Fox Fearmonger News. Watch Bill Maher be embraced by the conservatives for his ignorance on Islam (while they lambasted him for his ignorance on Christianity not once NOT ONCE thinking, well if he got our religion wrong maybe he is wrong on this as well). When people whine that the moderate Muslims don't say anything but pay no attention to the fact that they are, you just won't listen, well I worry.

I don't believe in their religion. I find parts of it to be repugnant. But I feel the same about Christianity. Doesn't mean I think one is bad and one is good. Doesn't mean I can't look at someone who identifies themselves by a religion and still be able to understand that it's not the religion, it's the person. KKK members identify as Christian. Doesn't mean we all think all Christians hold racist beliefs even if they don't act on them like the fanatics do?The Catholic church has a pedophile priest problem. Do I think all Catholics, hell even all priests, are pedophiles? No. And neither do you. But you might feel perfectly fine spreading nastiness about Islam. Because well, that's them...

Like I said at the beginning, this is a half formed idea. I have no ending for this. I just wonder. What do I do? Do I keep pointing out, "unnamed sources say", linking to articles featuring moderate Muslims, walking away and letting them stew in their own bitterness and hatred because I'm not going to change their minds? Never wrestle with a pig. You'll just get dirty and the pig likes it.

I wish I had more answers.

But all I have is this, spend more time questioning what you see and not buying in to the easy hate. You don't want to be a footnote question in a history book in 50 years, "Why were the Americans led so easily in to hating an entire religion?"

Expert Advice...

The vacation had not started well. Josh wanted to be on the road by 9 and they did not get started until 10:30. Instead of lovely family time driving in the car singing along to the radio they were both stewing silently while Zara slept in her car seat, tears still drying on her cheeks.

The purple sippy cup. That's what had started it. Well, that wasn't exactly true. The purple sippy cup hadn't started it, but it was what set them off today.

When Grace was doing the last minute check of what they had packed she had noticed Josh had packed the red cup and the green one but not the purple. "Where is the purple sippy cup?"

"I couldn't find it, so I just grabbed those two, no big deal."

"Sure, if you only want Zara to drink grape juice and water the whole trip. She won't drink milk out of anything other than the purple sippy cup."

"She can drink milk out of any of the cups."

"She could. But she won't."

"That's ridiculous. They are all the same!"

"Just help me find the purple sippy cup and we can leave."

"No, I am ready to go now, we need to leave now. It's just a damn cup."

And that's where Grace had lost it. It was Josh's fault that Zara would only drink out of purple. He had read an article that parents needed to let their children make their own decisions. That it was this generation of helicopter parents who were always making everything perfect for their kids that was ruining them. They grew up not knowing how to make decisions at all. Their parents had picked out their clothes, their books, their schools, their sports, planned their play dates and even did their homework for them. What needed to happen was to let kids direct themselves.What they wore. What they ate. What activities they wanted to do. This was the perfect parenting method! And so Zara was presented with choices, "What do you want to wear? Where would you like to go?" She would be perfectly prepared to take on the world.

Grace's mother had laughed at her when she found out. "You are going to let her make all of her own choices? She's two."

"The experts say that at 2 she is perfectly capable of understanding what she does and does not like."

"The experts do, do they? Well let me tell you my not so expert opinion, you give a two year old all the decision making power and you will be living with a tiny tyrant. Toddlers are dictators by nature."

What did her mother know? She hadn't read a single parenting book her entire life and had admitted when her first grandchild was born and her brother asked for advice that she had made it all up as she went along. Her mother had no clue.

That's what Grace thought then. After the first time Zara changed her mind on what to wear four times before they could leave for daycare she started to wonder if maybe they had made a mistake. Josh was still buying in to the whole program, but it was much easier for him. Grace worked part time and did most of the heavy lifting in the parenting department. He swooped in a bed time and let Zara pick a book and how many times he would read it, tucked her in and was done. For him it was all smooth sailing and he couldn't understand that a half hour of "We are all out of carrots. Would you like peas or broccoli?" had worn Grace out before dinner even started.

And then this morning, he really thought that it would be fine to leave without the purple sippy cup.

It took her a half hour of looking to find it. Then it needed washed. Then Zara saw it and decided she really wanted some milk. Josh had explained to her that they needed to get on the road for vacation and she could have milk when they stopped for lunch, but not now. And then the melt down happened. She wanted milk NOW not at lunch, NOW. So Josh decided that fine, she could have milk now but to try and prove a point to Grace he had put the milk in the orange sippy cup.

"Orange is for apple juice." Zara put her tiny hands on her hips.

"It's a cup, sweetie, anything can go in any cup. See? Isn't that neat?"

"Orange is for apple juice."

And they went on like that for another half an hour. Finally Josh relented and put the milk in the purple cup. And then Zara wanted apple juice.

That's when Josh had yelled. Zara burst out in to tears. Josh went pale. He had never raised his voice at his daughter before. Ever. He had never been the cause of his daughter's unhappiness. Ever. To know that he had done both was too much. So he turned on Grace. "She's gotten spoiled!" He hissed so Zara wouldn't be able to hear him over her wails. "What have you done?"

"What have I done? You are the one who wanted to give her all of the choices." Grace whisper shouted back, "This is what happened! Welcome to my life, Josh, what did you think I had been complaining about?"

And with that the sippy cups were rinsed out and repacked. Zara was given some apple juice for the car ride and packed in to her car seat where she fell asleep 5 minutes after pulling out of the driveway. Sippy cup full of apple juice falling from her hand leaving a trail of sticky drips every where it rolled.

"Maybe we give her fewer choices?

Grace looked at Josh, "You think?"

"This is hard, you know? What are we doing here?"

"I think we are making it up as we go along. Like all the real experts..."

You don't sing me love songs...

"Shhh...listen...I love this song. It always reminds me of dating in college."

Sarah rolled her eyes, "You and every other woman our age."

"I swear you are the least romantic person I have ever met."

"Some boy sings you a song that some other guy wrote for some other person or wrote for a buck with the sole purpose of getting in your pants and if it doesn't work on you, or better yet if it does, he sings it to some other girl later and you think I'm not romantic for not falling for it?"

"See? So cynical."

"So realistic."

"Ah, Erica, leave her alone, we all know she's broken. No flowers, no songs, no chocolates..."

"Hey!" Sarah interrupted, "I never said no chocolates! You leave the chocolates as an option!"

"If you wanted chocolates what would you do?" Brian asked knowing the answer would prove his and Erica's point.

Sarah laughed, "Fine, I would just buy them for myself. The same with flowers. And music."

"See? Your romance switch is broken."

"It's not broken. You just have to work hard to flip it, okay, that sounds dirtier than I intended!"

"So have you ever fallen for a boy with a romantic song or have you always been like this?" Erica asked. She always fell for the guy with the flowers and the romance and could not imagine what it must be like to be Sarah. Always so guarded, so practical in everything. She had been her friend for almost ten years and had never seen her swept up in the romance of a new relationship. The guys she dated were always serious and polite, like her, but no poems, flowers, or overly romantic gestures.

"Once."

Brian and Erica both leaned forward, "Oh go on! Now we want to know!"

"College. Freshman year. There was a boy in my English Comp class who wrote poetry. But not the flowery stuff, really moving pieces. Struggle and beauty. They were incredible. He's actually a pretty successful author now, but not in that genre. Anyway...we dated for awhile. I remember sitting outside one night after a football game. A song came on the radio, it was a pretty popular love song at the time, and he looked at me and said, 'Every time I hear this song I think of you.' I melted. It was just so very...Very. You know? Eighteen, on my 'own' and here was the perfect boy on this perfect night with this perfect song and it made him think of me."

"Aww...see? It's sweet!"

"Sure it was. Until a few weeks later when I was studying with a group of girls from another class and the song came on. I turned it up and one of the girls reached over and turned it back down. She apologized but this guy she had dated said that it reminded him of her and she just couldn't hear it right then. And yes, it was the same boy."

"Ouch! Okay, so that one boy was maybe a player. But we aren't all like that."

"So, Brian, you've never sung the same love song to two different girls? Or taken more than one woman to the same romantic little restaurant? Or told more than one woman that her eyes were the most incredible eyes you had ever seen?"

Brian smiled a little, "Maybe. But at the time I really meant it."

Erica looked shocked. "At the time?"

"Yes, at the time, when I am with a woman that I really like and I look in to her eyes right then they are the most incredible eyes. That doesn't mean they will always be the most incredible."

"Unbelievable."

"What? Like you've never said the same thing to two different guys."

Erica looked a little chagrined at that. "Okay, maybe. But..."

"But you meant it at the time?" Brian smirked at her.

"Fine! Yes, but now I think maybe I have it all wrong."

Sarah held up her hands, "Oh no, Erica. You love the big gesture. Don't let me ruin it for you. It's just not for me. I want to be special and different and stand out from the crowd. When I find the guy who tells me that nothing he has ever seen or done is anything like me. That's when I will know I have found the man of my dreams."

Erica and Brian both sat back and looked a bit stunned.

Sarah looked puzzled, "What?"

Erica smiled, "That might be the most romantic thing I've ever heard."

Fascinating...

We are going to Michigan next weekend. Planned it ages ago. Going to visit with family and see a football game. Which at the time we planned it sounded better than it does now. It's Michigan Football, it's a night game, which we've never done, and we get to tailgate with family. The family part is still great...the rest...well...The feelings about Michigan Football have gone from dismayed after the first loss we shouldn't have had, to distraught over the drubbing we took that broke the record for most consecutive games without a shut out, to disgust after last Saturday. The coach should have been fired. My opinion. The AD should have followed close behind. Also my opinion. But it's not one I am alone in having. If it was your kid at school "I didn't see the hit" would not be acceptable...It's your damn job to see the hit, or at least have someone who can tell you THE KID HAS A CONCUSSION PULL HIM THE FUCK OUT OF THE GAME... anyway...

So I was talking to C this morning for his birthday and we started talking about the trip. And I said, "all things considered it could still be really interesting to be there. I mean, it's going to be ugly, but to be in the belly of the beast while all of this is going on? Could be pretty cool." And he replied, "Yeah but you find life to be interesting."

And I had to laugh. Because it's true. I do. I find it all to be so fascinating. Why are people doing what they are doing? What are they thinking? How are they feeling? And it IS all so interesting! People are doing their thing for a variety of reasons. And there is a good chance a part of it will make absolutely no sense to you.

Watching people freak out about Ebola right now. We know how it's transmitted. It's a really specific way. And yet, people say, "Oh what about everyone that was on the plane!" "What if I walked by him?" "How fast is it going to get here?" And part of me is super frustrated. I want to tell them how dumb they are. And part of me is super interested. How can you just block out what you are hearing about transmission and contagion and still be running around scared?

And I also have discovered that I am much happier in my life when I remember to be fascinated and interested in what people are doing. Especially instead of frustrated. There is someone in the periphery of my friend group who is a topper. No matter what story you tell they can top it. Bigger. Worse. Better. Whatever, they can top it. I got so frustrated that I dropped them off of my Facebook friend list. I couldn't stand it anymore. When someone is experiencing a loss; a pet, a family member, a relationship, the appropriate thing is to offer condolences, offer support. Not tell a "my life is worse" story. Now she is still around, still posting on friend's things. But what I've tried to do is make sure I look at it as a sort of psychology experiment. Can she really take this random post and make it about her? And look at that skill level! And I've applied that to others who have the absolute skill to turn random things into things about them. As long as I stay fascinated I don't get frustrated.

And there you go...it dove tails right in to my main life philosophy. Choose to be happy. Being interested in the world and fascinated with the people in it keeps me happy. Reminding myself that you can't blame a dog for chasing cars keeps me even keel. The only thing I have control over in life is my attitude about it. So go on ahead doing dumb things, making things all about you, not firing the coach and the AD when you should have, I will find it all so very interesting.

And then I will write a blog....