Happy Birthday!

So I did this last year and I liked the idea enough that I decided to do it again this year. Last year I waited a few weeks after my birthday to wrap up the year but decided this year what better day than today?

So 44 today. That's me. I like the sound of it. Forty four. It's an odd word thing because it's not fourty like you would think it should be but forty. Like a fort. But then you get four following it just to point out how ridiculous our language really is. Forty four instead of fourty four. So for a word person it tickles me. I also like the double number, 44. Forty two was great just because it was 42. Round numbers are better than others so 40 was also nice. Forty three always felt off to me. I'm 43. It was just lacking. But 44, that one I can get behind. And it puts me one step closer to 45 which is cool because it's a mid-decade number AND it's sequential. 4-5.  But for now I am really happy with 44, it's even, it's doubled. The numbers geek is pleased.

So what lessons did I pick up in the last year? What were my big moments? I had to think a little harder this year than I did last year. Mostly this year was about making the big changes of the year before fit in to my life again. It was a true year of meditation and preparation I think.

I spent a good amount of time mourning my father. I still miss him, of course, but the sadness had mellowed from the gut wrenching pain to a soft melancholy now. On the anniversary of his death as I talked to my mother I was able to get through the whole conversation without breaking out into the big cry. I am still a little bitter about the whole timing of his death. Someday I really do believe I will come up with some poetic reason for it being on my mother's birthday, but I'm still not there. I also know that there are those in the world who say they miss their parents every day when they pass, and I know I am not one of those people. Sure, if I stop and think about Dad or if something reminds me of him that day I will stop and think how I miss him. But I will also go for days and not think about it at all. When I realized this (sometime in the Fall of last year) I sort of felt bad for a bit. Like I was a bad daughter. But then I thought, he raised me to be independent and to take care of not only myself but those around me. I cannot for the life of me imagine that he would have wanted that to change just because he died.

I didn't try many new hobbies last year. I took another round of ice skating lessons, I like to skate. I don't know if I will take many more lessons or not. Brent would like to get better but I am at a good level for what I want to do, which is just skate. I don't want to play hockey or learn how to figure skate. I just like skating. So for me this is probably enough. Though I might take a few more series of lessons just to keep Brent company.

We did pick up season tickets to the Winterhawks (speaking of hockey) halfway through last season and enjoyed that so much we bought a full season this year. We enjoy hockey and junior hockey has been a hoot. The team is a lot of fun to watch and the crowd really gets in to it. Hard to remember sometimes how young the players are, then you see them off the ice and in street clothes and yep, kids. Most of them younger than C. Brent is worried that I will become a billet. I thought about it for a little while, but I raised my son. I don't really want one or two more teenage boys in my house. I'm pretty sure. Mostly positive. But the season tickets we will keep. It takes a chunk of time out of our week during the season but we have it, so why not? C goes with us when he is home from school and he likes it too. Nice to have a family activity that we all enjoy.

Last year I was trying to decide what I was going to do when my massage license expired. I had already pared down my client list and was thinking about closing the doors for good. Well I had just reached the decision to shut it down in August when the license lapsed when I was told by our doctor that I needed to stop sooner. I had a shoulder injury that just wasn't going to get better if I kept working. So I stopped abruptly in April instead of slowing down and wrapping up. It was a little odd for a few weeks. Even knowing I was planning on stopping to have to stop before my time, and not on my terms? I felt a little out of sorts. But that has passed and now I just need to sell my equipment to fully move on from that section of my life. The lesson there was that I knew what I wanted to do, I just had to accept it when the universe told me that my timing was off.

I turned another corner with my writing. I think by reaching the conclusion last year that what ever comes of it comes of it and that I write because I must I freed something that had been stuck in my brain. I sent out a children's story to a few publishers this year. I haven't heard anything back but all that means is I am in the same place I was before I sent it, except braver. I will send to a few more and see if I hear anything back and if I don't then I will decide what I want to do. But I'm not worried about it. I also started writing here more. And putting out some fiction pieces here and there for you all to read (as you know) and that was super scary at first. Which is so odd. Since most of my blog is personal all about me stuff you would think that posting something made up would be easier. But it wasn't, as odd as this sounds, it was more personal than the personal stuff. When I write about what I think about life, it's about me reacting to the world, when I write a fiction piece, it's all my world. So thank you all for reading those pieces and for giving me feedback and encouragement, it's meant a lot to me.

My biggest challenge has been coming to grips with the weight issues. Realizing that I haven't put all of that behind me. That I am having the same conversations with myself, the same rationalizations, the same arguments now as I was 5, 10, 15, 25 years ago... It's been an eye opening discovery. And I am hopeful, ever hopeful, that now that I have really faced it. Or admitted it at least, that I can put it all away. Starting a new fitness program right now with the goal of changing my focus. Fit instead of skinny. Trim and toned without worrying about the numbers on the scale or the size of the clothing. Seeing what I can do with my body. How strong can I be? And how healthy can I make my mind while I do it? We will see what I learn from this new phase.

But for the most part last year was quiet. Time spent doing a lot of thinking. Reflecting. What is working in my life and what isn't? What do I need to fix and what is just fine the way it is? Like I said, it really feels like it was a year of preparation, of really starting to understand who I am and what I want in this phase of life. Which gives me a lot of hope for the coming year. Big things on the horizon, I think. Unless they aren't. Which will be okay as well. One of the things I discovered works for me is my ability to accept life as it comes. On its terms. I'm okay with the world and the world is okay with me.

See you all next year!

(okay, well, honestly I will see you all tomorrow or the next day as well, but that just sounded better as a send off)

Life, the Universe and Everything...

Being the geek that I am I was very excited when I turned 42 because now I was the answer to the Ultimate Question. Now that I am 43 I thought it was a good time to look back at last year and see what answers I really found.

As you all know there were two very big events in my 42nd year. One I knew was coming, had been planning for it and still wasn't sure how I was going to deal with it. That was C leaving for college.  As a West Coast parent when your only child announces they plan on attending college on the East Coast you go through a bit of denial before accepting it to be true. He was leaving. And he wasn't going to be a short drive or even a short plane ride away. Coming home for a weekend here and there was out of the question. When he left it would be for long periods of time. I always make the joke that parenting is all about taking this crying, smelly bundle home and taking care of it, feeding it, teaching it manners, putting up with it through the terrible twos, the even worse teens and then when it becomes someone you would love to hang out with it leaves...All of a sudden it wasn't so much of a joke as a reality. (Though to be fair he was pretty cool to hang out with all of his life, even when he was a smelly mess)

And it was horrible. I cried the ugly cry. The first weekend we were back home and he was gone I became a Facebook stalker trying to see if he was online and okay. I worried when he got sick for the first time and I wasn't able to check on him and make sure he wasn't getting pneumonia. When the first big snow storms started coming I double and tripled checked that he was warm enough and had the right clothes. I kept an eye on his money and made sure he didn't need anything. And you know what? He was fine. School was good, he was taking care of himself...just fine thank you, Mom, but I'm fine...and his life and mine rolled along. Every time I took him back to the airport after a visit I cried again, but not the ugly cry and not for days. Just the "I'm going to miss you" cry. And now that he is back in school for his second year, I miss him again.  But I know that he and I will be just fine. And that this really is the way it's supposed to work. My job with him is done. Now I just get to come in for assistance and consulting duties here and there, but the real full time work is over. And that's okay. Good lesson, good answer.

The next major event I knew was coming, eventually, but I didn't plan and I didn't expect it and I really didn't know how to deal with it. When Dad died in June it was one of those situations where you realize very quickly there are no right answers. There are no absolutes on how to deal with everything. You just put one foot in front of the other and keep moving forward. Dad's death and the trip home and the following months have been full of more questions for me than answers. I miss my father terribly. Which is so very odd to me as I haven't lived in the same state as my dad for decades. But knowing he was there, and would be there gave me an anchor I didn't realize I was using.

The sadness creeps up on me at unexpected times. When Brent and I were stationed in San Diego we were friends with a young married couple who had a toddler daughter. When the guys were out to sea and Bailey would get overwhelmed with the world she would throw herself down and cry..."I just miss my daddy!" The other day while cleaning the bathroom I had a moment just like that. The sadness came in a wave and I thought..."I just miss my dad."

The only answers I have right now are to keep moving. And to think about the life he led and the examples I can take from it. He was a good man. A strong man. A family man. He loved my mother more than life itself and loved us kids just a shade under what he felt for mom. He was deeply religious. He was a staunch Republican. I always tell people when they ask that my family is the Religious Right. Though I will never share his religious or political beliefs I know that one of his favorite country song lyrics was "You have to stand for something or you'll fall for anything." That I can believe in. Family. Friends. Love. Belief. Those are lessons I can take with me and cherish and try to be the daughter he would want me to be. Still no answers, still a lot of questions.

The rest of the year was filled with my normal array of trying things on and taking them off. Ice skating lessons were a hit. I need to find another round of them to take as I enjoyed spending time on the ice. I am not graceful, speedy or what you might call good at it...but I enjoy it and I think that's the important part.

Knitting was another try this year. I wish I would have discovered it when I was quitting smoking years ago.  It's good for me for keeping my hands busy, but it didn't do anything to quell my mind. I might knit a half dozen scarfs but I don't see me doing anything else with it. It just wasn't for me.

Photography and I had a come to Jesus year. I stepped up from my point and shoot camera that was finally dying after years of service and got a "real" camera. I read some books, I watched a few online tutorials, I asked questions of friends. And I discovered that I like to take pictures. I am a fauxtographer not a photographer. The "real" camera went up for sale and a lovely new point and shoot was purchased. The fact that it's red fills me with joy every time I look at it.

My latest career choice came to an end. I discovered that the reality of the situation was that I used massage therapy and going to school to become a LMT as way out of Advertising. That my initial thoughts on it were really the true ones. I loved going to school. I loved learning more about the human body and learning ways of helping people through massage. But it's not a calling for me. I have pared down to where I work on a few friends. And I enjoy that. I like the time we have to visit and I like knowing that I am helping them be better at things they love doing through massage. But I don't call myself a massage therapist anymore, I don't consider it my job, I am not accepting new clients and I am trying to decide if I want to keep up my licensing or let it drop.  That will be an answer to search for at 43.

Writing...well...writing. This is a complicated one. I tried to set up a deadline this year to actually get something published and I rebelled against it just as badly as I would rebel against someone else setting a deadline for me. As many of you know I also had a little moment of insecurity when Blogger actually showed me how many people are (or are not in this case) reading this blog. And even though technically that happened in my 43rd year I will lump it back with the big 42 lessons. What I have come up with is that I still feel like words are magical. I still feel like if I can get the right combination of them I can make you understand the way I see the world and if you share back with me I can understand how you do. When I read a book by a talented author I am always in awe of the world they created. When I read a funny status update from a Facebook friend it can make my whole day better. So I will continue to write. If I ever publish then I will publish. If I don't, then I don't. If I spend hours writing a blog that only 5 people read, then that is the way life goes. But I write because I love to. And that's a pretty good answer for me.

I also made some new friends and lost some old ones this year. A few of those losses were hard to understand and process and some of them were understandable and a long time in coming. Discovering that someone you have been friends with for a few years cannot understand your point of view and you cannot understand theirs on something as basic as racism is a hard lesson to learn. But it was a good one as well.  Even at 42 people were still coming and going in my life. Making it better, richer, fuller and more interesting.  I know that at 43 that lesson will be learned again. And probably at 44 and 45 and 46....

So there you have it. For my brief time as the answer to the Ultimate Question of Life, the Universe and Everything I really end up a wash. Maybe if I had actually known what the question was I would have done better....