What Do You Think Of Yourself?

I got blocked on Facebook this week. 

To be fair I told the person who blocked me "Fuck you" and unfriended them first, but still, I thought it was funny that I then got blocked. 

And it's not the first time someone has blocked me after I've unfriended them. I always wonder what the point is. Is it a way of getting the last word? Is it a way of claiming some sort of power in the situation? Like if you unfriend someone you can always send a friend request later, but if they block you only they can lift the block. It makes me wonder what's going through their head when they do it. 

It made me think of when Corrie and I were driving in to Toronto a few years ago. We were going to meet people that neither of us had ever met face to face. To be fair we had only met each other face to face that day. But anyway...we were driving in to Toronto and Corrie said, "I hope everyone likes me." I laughed because I was thinking, "I hope I like everyone." 

It summed up our ways of looking at the world. I, and I know this sounds harsh, but I could give a shit if you like me or don't. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I am a strong cup of coffee and it's best that the people around me realize that. For the coffee lovers I can be exactly what you need; I can be a little bitter and somewhat of a jolt. But I won't ever be tea, I'll always be coffee and it's just best that the tea lovers realize that and move along to a different cup. 

I am who I am. 

It's nice to be liked, but I am past the point of trying to fit in to make it happen. 

Corrie is probably at this point now. This was about 15 years ago and that sort of Fuck 'em if they don't like me, attitude tends to come with age for most people. Some of us it comes earlier, but it almost always comes for everyone eventually.

So why did getting blocked make me think of that drive into Toronto? 

Because I decided that they blocked me because we have so many mutual friends it would be awful for them to see me making hilarious comments on those posts and know that I don't speak to them anymore. It would be too painful to them to realize that they fucked up having me in their life so they have to pretend I don't exist anymore. It's really the only thing that makes sense. 

Because I'm fucking hilarious and to miss that...well that would be a real shame. 

Tea drinkers, am I right?

Things That Help...

Remember how I talked about how we kept some of the things from the pandemic? 

Today I was able to attend a funeral through an online feed. That's pandemic carry forward. When people were dying in large numbers and we also were not able to join together for things like funerals. Virtual funerals were held. 

When my mother died my niece held up her phone on a video call for one of my nephews to see what was happening. That was pre pandemic. We would never have thought to set up a live stream, or a zoom call, or Microsoft meetings, or any of the tools we all use now fairly regularly to connect with others. Either for work, or socially. It was just an "old fashioned" video call. And there were people there who thought it was the weirdest thing, and a few who thought it was disrespectful. But it was the only way he could attend so they made it happen. 

I attended a few funerals virtually during the pandemic. And a few remembrances. Things that weren't the funeral, more like the wake. And as the time went on we all figured out how to make them work. The first one was a zoom call very early on, and it was a bit of a mess. I'd never done a zoom call, and a few others hadn't either. This was our first exposure to the way people had been having work meetings for the past few months. It was challenging, but we figured it out. 

Today all I had to do was click a link from the funeral home and there was a camera set up for viewing, and microphones set up to hear the proceedings. 

I'm glad that the option was there. If it hadn't been I would not have flown in for the funeral. I was friends with the deceased but we weren't close friends. We were friendly, a touch more than acquaintances. He made a difference in my life, I was grateful for the help he offered, and for the silly jokes we shared. But my presence wouldn't have meant much to his family, I don't think. In the "before times" my name would have been one on a condolence card where they asked themselves, do you know her? And at some point maybe a mutual acquaintance would say, oh yeah that's...

But instead I could attend the funeral, stand at the back, say my goodbyes, and leave quietly. 

Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living. And I was glad to get a chance to hear his family speak. To listen to people who loved him describe the person that I thought I knew. To smile at the music choices and the reading that meant something to him. (Nine Inch Nails, a passage from Ready Player One, and Guns N' Roses) I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye. 

But all that being said, I am not having a funeral. 

I don't want to put Brent though it. It wouldn't mean anything to me, and I know it would be overwhelming to him. Most of my friends are scattered across the country, and a few across the world. They could do a livestream, like today, but even that would be a lot for Brent to deal with during a time when you don't want to deal with anything. 

I've told people, and I'm telling you now, to honor me I want you to lift a glass and toast my shoe and boot collection. Mention how young and thin I always looked. Talk about a moment where I made you laugh at something completely inappropriate to laugh at. And then say goodbye. Those are my wishes. 

So sad day for me, but nothing like what his family and close friends are experiencing. And also a grateful moment for me that I could be there, without being there. 

Rest in peace, gentle soul, love to your wife, to your children, to your siblings and parents. May they find moments of calm in the storm that they have been hit with.

Goals Schmoals...

Okay, maybe not but...

I'm having a hard time thinking of what I want to focus on next year. A large part of that is that I am not optimistic for the future. Not in a I'm having a depressive swing way, but in a I think the world as we know it is not going to last. 

Everything that Trump campaigned on doing, all of the things that people and the media tried to sanewash away, or he didn't do it last time justify, he's putting in motion to do. He's announced tariffs on China, Mexico and Canada so absolutely everything we buy is going to go up in price. He's putting Project 2025 Heritage Foundation Religious Extremists in to positions of power. He's going to have all three branches of the government under his thumb so there will be no restraints on him. 

I know it's going to be bad. I just don't know exactly how bad just yet. 

I told Brent this morning I've given up on the idea that I want to live to be 100. That's always been my end goal. The goal to rule over all of the other goals. But I think if Social Security and Medicare are destroyed there is no way to afford to live to be 100. I think if we destroy the environment at an accelerated pace there is no way to survive to be 100. I think once the billionaire class has stripped everything of value out of the United States, which is what they are being set up to do, there will be no desire to live to be 100. 

I also know that over the next stretch parts of my head will just normalize all of what is going on. We all will to a certain extent. It's the only way to make it through things like this.

Look at what we did during the pandemic. How quickly it got to be normal to stay inside most of the time. To grab a mask before you went inside a store. Or to the doctor. Ordering groceries online. Making substitutions on the fly for things that weren't available. We all adjusted pretty quickly. We adjusted so well we even kept some of those changes after we didn't need them anymore.

It's a survival mechanism. That adjusting thing. 

So I know that we will normalize and adjust as well as we can. Though I think part of it this time is going to be willfully ignoring as much as possible. I just don't think my system can handle the stress of paying attention all of the time. 

Like I said, I'm not optimistic about the future.

I'm not optimistic about the survival of our democracy.
I'm not optimistic about the survival of a free world. 
I'm not optimistic about the future in general.

So I'm having a hard time thinking about what little goals I want to set for next year. I know I need them to keep my head from spinning but what do you work on when you are pretty sure nothing really matters anymore?

And I know, I know it sounds like I'm in a depressive spiral, but I assure you I'm not. It's not that I feel like there is nothing out there for me, it's that I feel like what we've all just assumed will be there for all of us is going away. That the structures and systems we rely on are going to be torn apart. Because that's what that group has said they want to do do. To blow up the whole system. To take what they can for themselves and fuck everyone else. If you aren't rich it's because you aren't worthy so fuck you...

It's like pessimistic realism instead of depression. 

I don't know how bad it will be or how quickly it will get there, but I know it's going to be bad and I'm not sure we recover. 

So that's what I'm trying to push out of my head while I think about what 2025 might be for me personally. What I want to do for me and my head alone. 

The one thing I can say is that I have firmly decided NOT to do the half marathon. If the Maleficent medal was for the 10K race I would do it. But I just don't want to run a half marathon. Training for it sounds like the worst possible way to spend the next few months. About an hour is the longest I want to run/walk at a stretch. After doing like 10 miles each day wandering around the parks I told Brent imagine adding 3 more miles to this, and trying to get it all done in less than 3 hours. Yeah...no. 

I'm a slow jogger. I like being a slow jogger. I still get enjoyment out of the workout doing it that way. Upping it to a half marathon, I think, would squash that. 

And I think that's going to be the focus of any goal I set next year, how does this bring me joy or peace? 

Reading, writing, working out, those all bring me joy or peace in some way. As long as I set them up in realistic amounts. 

The world is going to be shitty. Let's not add things to that voluntarily. 

So those will be the goals. Or the goal theme. 

Let's make our own worlds, our pockets of the world, as pleasant as possible. 

Now I just have to decide on specifics. 

First: NO half marathons

Childhood Fears...

She was a grown ass woman and still couldn't sleep with her closet door open. 

Before she turned out the lights in her bedroom she had to make sure the closet door was closed. Tightly. No cracks. No gaps. If she could figure out a way to weather strip it without it getting snagged along the carpet she would. Airtight. That would be best. 

And if she somehow forgot to turn out the light inside the closet before shutting it up and turning off the bedroom light? There would be no sleep that night. She couldn't just turn on her bedroom light, open the closet door and shut off the light. She would instead lie in her bed paralyzed with fear. Convinced she had turned off the light, she ALWAYS turned off the light after all, and that there was something in there ready to pop out. 

When she was a teenager she stopped going on sleepovers because it was too embarrassing to admit to people that she needed that door shut before they turned out the lights.

As an adult she had ended relationships with people who didn't understand that the closet door being shut was a nonnegotiable. Including one very public break up when the man she had been dating for a few months thought her fear of an open closet door was a hilarious anecdote to share at a dinner party. She had gotten up from the table and told him he could find someplace else to sleep that night and every other night. Then she had left.

She might be afraid of an open closet door but she was not afraid to stand up for herself. And as she explained to a girlfriend when she shared the story, it wasn't about the closet door at that point, it was about him mocking her fears. It didn't matter if her fear didn't make sense to him, it still wasn't a joke to tell at parties. 

Once in her twenties she was visiting a friend who lived in an old Victorian style house. She had apologized profusely that there was no closet in her guest room. None of the rooms had closets. She had been acquiring armoires for each space but the guest room still didn't have one. It was the best night's sleep she could ever remember having. 

If she ever bought a house she thought it would be a Victorian like that. No closets would end up being a selling point for her. But for now she was a renter and every apartment had closets. Including the one she was in now. A giant walk in closet. 

A friend who knew her phobia suggested turing the closet into a dressing room space. Take the door off completely. Put a small dressing table in there instead of clothes. If she could think of it as a different space maybe that would be better? Like her Victorian dream house. But she knew it would still be a closet. You couldn't just unmake a closet. 

It wasn't rational. She knew that. It was a room like any other room in her apartment. Or even less of a room really. No windows. Just the one door. One overhead light. That she always turned off before she shut the door. Always. 

But no matter how much she told herself it was a silly fear she still was terrified. 

Lying in bed. Seeing the light through the crack around the door. Listening to the soft knocking. 

Books Chapter 20...

 Books Chapter Nineteen

Gloria was busy shelving books and didn’t notice when Jade walked into the store. Jade stood near the door and watched her for a few minutes. There was something about the way she held the books that was almost poetic. Like they weren’t objects but the actual stories, the actual living breathing stories of lives.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jade, stop it.” She thought to herself.

Right at that moment Gloria turned and saw her. “Jade, hi, thanks for stopping by. I wasn’t sure you would.”

“Yeah, Ellie called and sort of explained what happened and said you’d like to talk to me as well. So here I am.”

“Here you are.” Suddenly Gloria was feeling very unsure of herself. She had planned out what she was going to say to Jade in her head a dozen times but now that she was here everything seemed so stupid. So overdone. She had behaved badly, and she was just embarrassed.

“Okay, well this is getting uncomfortably awkward.”

Gloria laughed a little, “It is, and that’s my fault. Again. I just don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I thought the worst of you and of Ellie. And I’m sorry you got dragged into a really weird and not at all typical moment with us.”

“I’m not going to lie, it was weird.”

“It’s hard to explain. I think it’s because Ellie and I have been friends forever basically and I think we started to rely a little too much on assuming the other one would know what we were thinking. And then we filled in a lot of our own doubts when we should have just talked to each other.”

“That’s pretty close to what she said. And I just ended up swept up in it.”

“You did. And I’m really sorry. And if you still want to, I’d really like a second chance at getting to know you. We could still go see that exhibit together?”

“Well, I went and saw it on my own, but I could go again.”

“Honestly? I went as saw it on my own as well so…”

Jade laughed. “How about coffee? We could go get a coffee?”

“That sounds like a great idea.”

From the back of the shop Adele called out, “You can go right now. Take the afternoon off. I’ll see you tomorrow. Not that I was eavesdropping on your personal conversations just a coincidence that I heard that last part.”

“You heard the woman. I have the afternoon off if you are free?”

Jade smiled, “I am.”

Coffee turned into dinner, which turned into a long walk, which turned into talking all night, which turned into breakfast the next day, which turned into Gloria almost being late for work. As far as second chances went it was a good one.

Books Chapter Twenty One

Sabbatical Trip #2...

Trip #2 (what was supposed to be #3 before we got slimed) is in the books. 

Hawaii was a little disappointing, or as disappointing as Hawaii can be because it's still Hawaii. How was Disneyland?

It was great. 

Because it's Disneyland. 

And Disney at the holidays is amazing. And I mean pretty much any holiday. Easter is probably the most underwhelming, but even Easter has hidden Disney character eggs around the park you can look for and some pretty springtime decorations. The Fourth of July fireworks are incredible, above and beyond their normal fireworks which are pretty spectacular. 

But Halloween and Christmas are next level. The amount of detail they put into the decorations is amazing. The special events and showcases are fun. Christmas takes the edge because to really enjoy Halloween to the fullest you need to do the Oogie Boogie Bash and that's an extra ticket and a limited amount of time. Christmas is all day, everyday, with bonus extras in the fireworks and World of Color shows. 

We went this week because it's the first full week of Christmas being open, and also the lowest attendance levels. We've been closer to Christmas and holy smokes it was packed, like close the parks because they've reached capacity packed. This week was busy, and each day closer to the weekend was busier than the day before, but crowded to really crowded instead of you are going where this crowd moves you crowded. 

I've written before about one of the things I love about Disneyland is that every type of person goes to Disney. Goths and girlies. Families and singles. Disney adults and Disney toddlers. Families, like the WHOLE family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, all the kids. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing a fully tatted, pierced, over dyed black hair, combat boot wearing, person wearing a Disney t-shirt waiting in line for Pirates. Or Soaring. Or Toy Story Mania. I just love the contrast. 

I wear my Disney stuff, of course. Old school Disney merch, or my Maleficent collection. Brent has a few things as well. Because it makes me smile. It's like a rock concert where you wear the t-shirt from their last tour. Or going to a sporting event and wearing the team jersey. You are marking yourself as a fan. I wear my Disney stuff outside of the park as well. It makes me happy, and if it's a Maleficent t-shirt gives Brent a heads up on my mood. 

Before we left Brent said, "I wonder how many MAGAs we will see?" I told him I wasn't sure, but maybe they wouldn't wear the stuff because it's Disney, he said, "It for sure won't be zero."

Waiting in line to play Toy Story Mania and he leans in ands say, "I told you. Whole family." I look over and across the line from us is a family, Dad, the two older boys, the younger kids (boy and girl twins) are all in Trump shirts. Mom is in a Disney sweatshirt, but the rest of them wearing the stuff you see in pictures from his rallies and think...surely this cannot be something they really wear? The (guessing) 15 year old boy was wearing a shirt with a much thinner than he really is Trump standing in front of the White House with "Daddy's Home" printed on it. The 17 or 18 year old boy was wearing one with multiple pictures of Trump on a horse (thankfully not shirtless like Putin but, I mean, they know that's what it's supposed to be like right?) The Dad's was a list of grievances on the back with Trump Will Fix it! with Trump holding a hammer on the front. I couldn't see what the younger kids' were exactly, just could make out the hair. 

Now you know when they picked out their shirts it was to get a reaction. They were going to own the libs for sure. Trigger some snowflakes. Drink some liberal tears. And I'm not sure what their whole day was like, I know they got more than a few eye rolls in line (more than just from me) but nothing else. If that's all they got all day I bet they were really disappointed. Because they want a reaction. There is no joy in the win for them. It's your loss that they savor. It always feels like they don't actually know what they want, they just know they don't want you to have something. 

Heather Cox Richardson just wrote an update that showed that people now think the economy is better. A few weeks after the election, no change in administrations, but now it's better. Why? Because they aren't constantly being told how lousy it is. Because the republicans know that they want people to think it's great starting the end of January so they need to lay the groundwork. They can't steal credit for the positive outcomes if they don't start now. 

But I know that even before that people were saying they were so worried, but a good amount of people were not. How do I know? Because we just went to Hawaii and Disneyland and we weren't there by ourselves. Now, for sure, it's possible that everyone paid for Hawaii on points and miles like we did, but it's not plausible. And Disney? They don't play that shit, you are paying for their stuff with cash. Sure the flight you can do on miles, but park tickets? No, no thank you, that's real money. And if you stay in a hotel at the park, not one of the ones close to the park, you aren't using points either. And the Grand Californian was full.

And none of that is cheap. And if you are worried about putting food on the table you don't take trips like that. 

Brent and I both have had to travel for work during lean economic times and airports were not full of families, it was business travellers. Hotels were not bustling with kids at the pool, it was strictly conferences. If you really are struggling, you don't do extras. And when the country is really struggling tourism suffers. 

Are some people struggling? Sure. Absolutely. But is paying more at the grocery store slowing down major purchases for a large chunk of the population? Apparently not. The country is not struggling. That is the difference. And now that the election is over you won't hear as much about it at all. Except for maybe a few people who seem to think that they will be better off under the billionaire brigade. 

We aren't sure how many more trips like that will be in our future. One of the things Trump has said he wants to repeal is the CHIPS act. Intel is already struggling (as I've written about) and that could be an unsurvivable blow to them. Which leaves us not taking the retirement package because we needed Brent to be able to work for another few years at least to not having a job and also not having that voluntary retirement package. We'd be screwed. But we'd figure it out. I've been out of the workforce for a long LONG time but retail and food service are almost always hiring so we'd scrape along. But we would not be going to Disney or Hawaii. Because when you are scraping, you aren't splurging. 

That's the reality we are looking at. 

But for now? The world is ending and we went to Disneyland where I ate my weight in churros! Which was a trick because the more you eat the more weight you have to eat your weight in...Man I love churros. 

Disney did not disappoint. It rarely does. 

One more trip left. 

Three and half more weeks of sabbatical left.

It's been lovely so far. 

Precocious...

As you can imagine a life entering a body causes quite pull. That first gasp of air before the cry. It's not just the lungs filling. It's the whole essence of who you are entering. First breath. First life. First spark. The uniqueness of you, what is commonly called your soul, enters the vessel and you begin your life. 

The moment the girl was born, the instant she drew her first breath a woman on the floor below in the hospital was drawing her last. 

In the rush of entry and exit there was a bit of an accident. 

The pull of her own soul entering her body was so strong that it sucked up the soul that had left the other woman.

It didn't happen often. But it wasn't unheard of. Some people argue that's really what schizophrenia was, you weren't imagining the voice you heard, it was the extra soul you accidentally trapped as you were born. Multiple personality disorder could be explained this way as well. It really was multiple personalities trying to control one vessel. 

Luckily for the girl the woman she shared her space with was the patient sort. The calm in the face of a crisis sort. She figured out what happened right away. Some souls took longer. Being plunged into a new vessel, one that didn't feel like the previous one, one that didn't have the control over itself that the old one had, one that had limited resources to move, think, reason, on its own, it could be a scary proposition. But the woman understood where she was, and how it had probably happened and that she wasn't alone.  

She had been a teacher and mother and a grandmother in her own life. She had worked with children for many years. Her own and her students and her grandchildren. She understood how to get the best out of them. So that's what she did.

The girl's parents wondered what they did to get so lucky. She rarely cried for long. Was a self soother. Would hum songs and rock herself back to sleep. She potty trained herself basically as soon as she could walk. She was reading by age 3. And always seemed to be considering the world and what it had on offer. When asked a question she would pause before answering. A deep thinker. They were so lucky to have her. Her younger brother dispelled any idea that they might have had that it was their superior parenting and genes. 

She excelled in school. Her teachers always remarked that she was just an old soul. So grown up. So thoughtful. 

When she was 17 years old she was in a terrible car accident. Broadsided in an intersection by a drunk driver. The paramedics said it was a miracle she survived. What they didn't realize is that she hadn't. Not completely. She had died in the wreck. But only one soul was expected and so only one soul left. The woman made sure that it was the right soul that left. With a final push to tuck the girl away in a corner she fled up and out of the vessel. She blew a kiss to the girl and was gone. 

The girl was lonely at first. Her thoughts all her own. No other voice mulling things over with her. But the woman had taught her so much. Had talked to her and more importantly had listened to her over the years. 

After she left the hospital she researched the public records to see who had died on the day she was born. She narrowed it down to three women, then two, and finally to one. She visited the gravesite of Ruth Claire and placed a bouquet of violets on the headstone. Violets were her favorite. And she knew that was because they were Ruth Claire's. 

She whispered thank you and turned to walk out of the cemetery.

 Alone. 

I Was Told There Would Be No Math...

Totally miscounted and miscalculated what I would need to write to hit my fiction totals from last year. Somehow I subtracted 10 pieces that I've already written. So instead of 33 pieces I needed to write 23 pieces. Which now is down to 18 pieces with 15 of those being new for the blog and 3 being new for Dana. 

This is so much more doable. 

Not that I wasn't going to do the other, but looking at 15 pieces for the blog over the next 6 and a half weeks is so much more manageable. Especially considering we are travelling for two of those weeks and three of those weeks have a holiday in them. 

Bonus for Skippy that means much less chance for a ton of poetry. Still will be some poetry, but not as much. 

Now, let me be honest, that's still a ton of fiction. Trying to figure out 18 ideas for pieces is a lot. Trying to figure out 18 ideas for pieces in just 6 weeks is still sort of crazy. But that's me...still sorta crazy...

I'm also tossing around the idea of running a half marathon next year. I have talked myself out of it 3 times so far. All very legitimate reasons why I shouldn't do it, and yet... So I might have next year's goal all set up and it might just be the one thing. We will see what I land on. Part of me REALLY doesn't want to do it, but part of me thinks that's the reason why I should do it. 

Which is such a weird thing really. 

Hey, you know that thing you don't want to do? LET'S DO IT! 

From my own brain! 

What the hell, brain, what is wrong with you?

Registration for that race isn't until December 3rd so I still have a little bit of time to either fully talk myself out of it, or in to it. 

I also have zero idea what I'm going to work on next year. Like in general. I know I need goals, I've proved that, but I don't know what they should be. How much writing? What sort of reading? I've given up on trying to manage my weight. Until the whole thyroid thing is figured out there is no point. For the record my weight dipped down for a moment and now has started to climb back up and since I'm going to bury myself in churros next week at Disneyland it's not going down again for awhile. But at least that gain will make sense. 

And will totally be worth it. 

So next week, don't expect much from the blog. I'll try and post something tomorrow and I might get adventurous and post on Saturday but odds are you won't get anything again until the Sunday cozy story goes up. For the two of you that are reading that.  

But it's okay, because I suck at counting so I've got a little bit of a buffer! Yay!

Whew...

Books Chapter 19...

 Books Chapter Eighteen

Ellie heard the door handle rattle and stopped pacing. She had been waiting, hoping that Gloria would cool off and come home so they could talk about what had happened in the cafeteria, but it had been hours.

Gloria stood in the doorway, and they stared at each other for a moment. Then both spoke at once,

“I’m sorry I…”

“It wasn’t supposed to be…”

“I’m sorry, you go ahead…”

“You go…”

Then they both laughed.

“Let me start,” Gloria said, “I’m sorry I got so angry and stormed out. I should have listened to what you were there to tell me.”

“No, I’m sorry that it seemed like we were ambushing you. We thought it would be better if we both talked to you at once instead of seeming like we were piling on. We were, are, both worried about what’s happening with you. You haven’t seemed yourself lately and you aren’t talking to me, or to Peter and so we just handled it badly.”

“I would like to say it’s all your fault. But I got so defensive because you’re right. I haven’t been myself, and I have been avoiding the two of you. I didn’t want to disappoint you and I didn’t want to seem like I had wasted his time and help over the past few years. I’ve known for a while I needed to talk to you, but I’ve been scared.”

“Scared? Why? What happened?”

“You know we have had our lives planned out since we were kids. You have always wanted to be a writer and I have always been going to be a teacher. Everything we’ve done has kept us on those paths. We had a life plan together.”

“Yes?”

“Well, god this is hard…”

“What?”

“I don’t want to be a teacher.”

Ellie just stared at Gloria for a moment. Then she burst into laughter.

“I’m not joking.”

“No, I mean, I don’t think you’re joking. I’m just so relieved. I thought it was something serious.”

“Umm, this is serious. So many people have helped me out to become a teacher. My scholarships were awarded due to my essays about wanting to teach. All of the time and energy Peter has put into guiding my academic choices and trying to get me into the best student teaching slot. So many people had put in a lot of effort to get me here. I can’t ever pay all of that back.”

“Why would you need to pay it back? The scholarship was to send you to college. You went to college. You have great grades. You’ve done all of the work. People change their minds and majors all of the time.”

“People with money change their majors. If you don’t have money college is a different experience. It’s where you go to get a better job.”

“You could have gotten your certificate and started teaching a long time ago if it was just about money. And you know you were never going to get rich teaching.”

“But I didn’t just want my certificate.”

“Right. Because part of you always wondered if teaching was what you wanted to do. I mean, I knew that. Teaching appeals to you, I get that, but so does being a librarian. So does working in publishing. So does running an independent bookstore. Gloria, you’ve always talked about other things you could do. All of them are you being around books. That’s been the only constant. Teaching is just what you told everyone who asked. But you told me a lot more than that.”

Gloria sat for a moment and thought. She had talked about all of those things with Ellie but never seriously. Teaching was always the end game. The rest were just silly things she talked about. She didn’t realize that Ellie hadn’t written them off as easily as she had.

“So, you aren’t disappointed that I’ve ruined our plans?”

“How have you ruined anything? Are you moving away and never want to see me again?”

Gloria laughed, “Of course not.”

“Then nothing is ruined. Honestly, I wasn’t looking forward to you doing your student teaching next semester anyway. I never see you anymore as it is, and if you had to move to a new place? Well, it’s selfish but I’m glad that this was your big secret. I’d like to get to see you more.”

“Do you think Peter will be mad? He’s been a good friend as well as a good advisor, I hate to disappoint him.”

“I think he’ll be fine. He’s been worried about you. He’s really a good guy.”

“Are you blushing? Wait, what has been going on with you two?”

“Nothing, not really. We’ve been talking, it started with both of us being worried about you, and has continued with that, but…”

“But?”

“I really like his company. I understand him and he knows where I come from and what that means and what I’ve fought against becoming. Which sounds so pretentious, and I know that, but he gets it. And he is really…”

“Cute?”

“Ha! I was going to say deep but yeah, he’s really cute too.”

“Do you want me to stay aloof and act like I’m in crisis so you can keep seeing him without having to tell him it’s really because he’s cute?”

“Thank you, that’s very generous of you, but I think we’ll figure it out.”

“I’m sorry I worried you. I’m sorry I was too scared to tell you the truth, I just didn’t want to disappoint so many people.”

“I’m sorry you thought you couldn’t tell me.”

“I just built it up too big in my head I think.”

Ellie reached out for Gloria’s hand, “There is never going to be something you can’t tell me. I mean it. You know I wouldn’t lie to you.”

Gloria smiled, then frowned, “I love you. You know that. I’m sorry for my part in this whole misunderstanding but…”

“But?”

“Sending in Jade to spy on me was really low. That hurts a lot.”

Ellie shook her head, “I didn’t. I mean it.”

“But she knew you and you knew her?”

“Yeah, we met last year, I kept meaning to tell you about her, but you were pulling away so much I was afraid you would think I was trying to replace you, and then it got to be so long that it seemed even weirder to mention her. Especially since you were going to be leaving next semester and…”

“So, you didn’t set up our meeting?”

“No, I swear. I didn’t.”

“Well shit. I guess I fucked that up then.”

Books Chapter Twenty

Family Ties...

She woke from a deep sleep and stretched out, opening her eyes for just a second before closing them again. 

Then reopening them and sitting straight up in bed. 

"Don't scream. It will just end up making you look foolish."

She started to reach for her bedside table.

"Don't think the pepper spray in that drawer is going to do you a bit of good either. Honestly, child, pay a little more attention to your surroundings."

How in the world did this woman know about the pepper spray? Had she already looked through her drawers? Was she being robbed? Robbed by an old woman who then decided to sit on the edge of her bed and wait for her to wake up. An old woman sitting on her bed but putting no weight on it at all. An old woman putting no weight on the bed where she was sitting who didn't quite block the view of the wall behind her. Through her. 

"Ta da. You are getting it now."

"Who are you? Or were you?"

"Oh well that's downright insulting. Were. Do I look like a were?"

"Well you aren't exactly fully here are you?"

With that the old semi transparent woman on the edge of her bed moved one index finger and she was lifted up off of the mattress about a foot then unceremoniously dropped back down. 

"I'd say I'm fully here."

"Okay...okay...don't do that again. I'm sorry. Who are you?"

She had decided this was the most realistic dream she had ever had and might as well go along with it. Do some lucid dreaming and see if her subconscious was trying to tell her something. 

"Oh come on. Are you trying to Scrooge this? You think I'm a bit of undigested dinner? A bad dream? Child."

"Well I mean, it's either I'm having a really vivid dream or ghosts are real so I'd say it's a dream."

"Well that is part of why I'm here. Your lack of knowledge."

"Fine, I'll play along. Who are you? And why are you here?"

"I'm your Great Great Grandaunt Helen. I'm here because you've been a very bad witch."

"Excuse me? I'm not a witch at all, let alone a bad one."

"Are you going to tell me you haven't been cursing strangers because I'm pretty sure you've been cursing strangers."

"I haven't been cursing anybody."

The old woman on the edge of her bed, her great great grandaunt apparently, fluttered her fingers and a scene played out on the wall of her bedroom. Like an old movie. Low def, black and white footage, but clearly a scene out of her life. That was her on her bicycle stopped at the light. Oh! This was the day that asshat almost hit her. 

Her great great grandaunt waved her fingers and the scene froze. "Are you going to tell me this isn't you?"

"No, it's me, but..."

"Are you going to tell me that this didn't happen?"

The scene started again and she could see her lips moving. There was no sound but she knew what she was saying. It was a little poem she had seen on a Tik Tok video. It was supposed to make you feel better by venting your frustration in the moment. A silly little thing, but it had really made her feel better so she had started using it. 

"Wait, are you trying to tell me that I cursed that driver?"

"Did you not say that they should "find the world treats them as they treated you" was that you or no?"

"But that's like, that's just the Golden Rule."

"The Golden Rule is YOU do unto others as YOU would have them do unto YOU. You said you wanted OTHERS to do unto THEM as THEY had done unto you. Do you get the difference? One is a personal behavior choice, the other is a curse."

"Okay, fine, it's not nice. I know, but it's not like I can make others' treat them rudely. It just makes me feel better to think that they were going to get some karma."

"Karma is not your job."

"Fine, but it's also not something I can cause. Just saying those words doesn't make it happen. Thousands of people who watched that Tik Tok video say them and it just makes them feel better."

"Thousands of people watching silly videos aren't witches from a long line of witches."

"I'm....what?"

"Look, this really should be your great great grandmother handling this but she off dealing with your cousin who has decided to charge crystals under the full moon and sell them with spells on Etsy. She thinks she's going to make a quick buck cashing in on a trend. But what she's doing is messing around with things she shouldn't be."

"None of that means anything. Crystals and spells and witches, none of that is anything but people trying to feel..."

"Feel like they belong? Like they are part of a coven? Yes. It's an old pull, but it's still there. And most of the time it's just people enjoying each others company. Maybe forming a bowling league. Or a book club. But sometimes you get someone in the mix who has the actual bloodline to make something happen. And you get you and your cousin out there making a mess of things you don't know anything about."

"Okay, so if you are my great great grandaunt how do you know about bowling leagues and book clubs? They wouldn't have had those when you were alive, would they?"

"Do you even do math?"

"Excuse me?"

"You're 20, your mother is 45, your grandmother is 70, your great grandmother would have been 95 this year, your great great grandmother, my older sister, would have been 122, I would have been 118. That means I was born in 1906. I died in 1983. Do you think we didn't know what bowling and reading were in 1983? Not to mention I've been watching all of you continue to live for last 40 years so I've kept up."

"You said would have. Isn't that the same as were? You got really mad at me for were so you're being kind of hypocritical."

She felt her mouth go dry with fear from the look her great great grandaunt gave her. 

"I would have been 118 years old. Once you die that particular clock stops. I only lived 77 years. Young for our family, actually, you probably want to take note of that and start saving for your retirement right away. But you don't really want to celebrate the day you were born once you are dead, it's not pleasant."

"Sorry."

"Thank you. Now, listen, you need to stop with the curses and you need to find a way to practice safely."

"Again, not practicing, and not cursing anyone. Just saying a silly rhyme to make myself feel better."

"Did you know your cousin was selling crystals?"

"What? The thing you said my great great grandmother was dealing with? No. I didn't. I mean I know she liked crystals and would say what each one would do for you but I didn't know she was selling them. Doesn't surprise me though. She's always looking to make money and it fits her whole pretend witchy vibe."

"Well because of who she is, who you are, she's got more than a witchy vibe. She's an actual witch. She's out in the woods laying out crystals and binding them to spells. Spells that will work. Spells that she has no idea what they really do."

"They are like little money spells and love spells, just silly stuff."

"Did you know that if you mistranslate ancient texts shackles becomes shekels which then becomes money? Or that the only difference between devotion and obsession is an accent over one letter?"

"And?"

"You really are thick. She's selling curses, just like you are cursing people who cause you minor inconveniences."

"You're trying to tell me that we are actual witches and what we do casts actual spells?"

"Now you're getting it. Your great grandmother hid who she was. Your great grandfather moved her to a new community, one where men didn't use dowsing rods to find wells and women weren't healers and midwives. Where a woman with too many dried herbs in her cabinet could be cast out or worse. So she hid what she was but she couldn't stop her need for belonging. She ended up finding it with a group of women from the local church. She forswore all of our teachings from then on. Her mother and I tried to warn her that it wouldn't work. That she was who she was. And that it was no way to raise her daughters. Ignorant of who they were. It would prove to be dangerous."

"My mother and my aunts have never shown any inkling that they were dangerous."

"They were raised during the Satanic Panic of the 80s and 90s. Raised in religious houses where any inkling that they were dabbling would have been met with a backhand and a bible verse. They had no idea who they were. And no idea they needed to warn their children. Teach their children."

"But my mother and one of her sisters left the church and they still aren't..." she waved her hand like she was holding a wand.

"Oh they aren't," her great great grandaunt mocked her gesture, "tell me what you think of when you think of your mother's house?"

She closed her eyes and smiled. "Cooking. She is the best cook. Her house always smells like..."

"Rosemary. Sage. Thyme. Protection herbs. She practices. She just doesn't realize she practices."

"So why haven't you visited her?" 

"She's making stew to protect those around her, you are casting curses at strangers and your cousin is selling them!"

"Okay, so say I believe you. What am I supposed to do?"

"Well, we will have to work on an unbinding spell to break all of the curses you've put out there. And I'll have to try and teach you as much as I can how to live a more aware existence. What you do from there is up to you."

"And my cousin?"

"She's going to have to pay some penance."

"But she didn't know."

"But she still did evil. Actual evil in the world and that's going to need to be rebalanced. You might want to reach out to her to help her deal with the guilt."

"What if we don't do anything?"

"If you don't make it right? That is your choice. And you will live with the consequences. But more importantly the people you've harmed will live with them. And possibly more."

"What do you mean more?"

"Aren't you curious at all as to why your great great grandmother and I are still here watching out for you?"

She started to answer...

"No, I can see it never crossed your mind. Kids today are all sure they are the only character in a movie of their lives. We're here because of your grandmother. We went to her when she had children and tried to explain what her mother had chosen and what that might mean. She didn't believe us. Or didn't want to believe us more accurately. She got very upset, and magic is always more potent when there are strong emotions behind it, and said, 'If you're so worried about how I'm raising my children you can just watch them yourselves then!' And so we have. We watched her children, and their children and will probably their children."

"So you can't just move on?"

"No. Not yet. I don't know when. As I've tried to explain to you, you come from a long line of very powerful witches. It was an unformed and untied curse, but it was an effective one."

"But Grandma is still alive. Couldn't she, what did you call it, unbind the curse?"

"Possibly. If she believed she cast it. If she was willing to admit to being a witch. Does that seem like something she would do?"

She thought about her grandmother. The stories her mother told her about her upbringing. How religious she still was. "No. No it doesn't. But maybe I could help?"

"Maybe. But what is most important right now is that you stop cursing strangers and you work with me to undo the damage you've done. And work with your cousin to heal that mess as well. Do you think you can do that?"

She nodded yes and the old woman faded away. 

She thought to herself, "That was the craziest dream I've ever had." 

A voice in her head rang out loudly, "NOT A DREAM" as she again was lifted a few feet above her mattress and dropped. 

She said out loud, "Not a dream. Not a dream. Not a dream."

And faded off to sleep. 

Do I Know You?

She saw him again yesterday. She was standing in line at the bank and could see the cars in line in the drive through. He was in the second car from the window. A red Mazda Miata. Which she thought didn't seem like the kind of car he would drive. 

But of course she really had no idea what kind of car he should drive. 

She didn't know him, afterall. 

He just was a face in a crowd. 

But one that was always in the crowd. Always. She couldn't remember a time he wasn't around. 

From the time she was a child in elementary school. He wasn't in her class. She saw him passing in the hallway. When she was in high school he played for the opposing team at a Friday night football game.When she sang in choir he was competing at State, on stage right before her choir was ready to go on. When she headed to the East Coast for college he was at Freshman orientation. When she came home for Midwinter break he was coming in to the airport as she was leaving. She saw him at the movies. At concerts. Standing in line at the grocery store. And now here at the bank.

One time he looked really sad and she almost asked him if he was okay. But then remembered, she didn't know him. But she still almost asked. Like she almost told him he looked great in that shade of green and he should wear it more often. 

She wondered if he recognized her. If he told his friends that he'd seen her again. That she was getting a Coke when he was getting popcorn. That he'd almost asked what movie she was seeing but then remembered that he didn't really know her.

Though she had never seen him with friends. Or a girlfriend. Or a boyfriend. He was always alone. 

But then again, so was she. 

Not that she was always alone, but that she was always alone when she saw him. Or that only she recognized him. That was probably more accurate. It wasn't like she was with a group of friends and everyone said, "Look! It's that guy!" or "Don't look but he's here!" Nobody but her seemed to even notice him. Or at least nobody talked about it. 

But then again, neither did she. 

Only once had she ever mentioned it, seeing him over and over again. One friend said he was probably her destiny and she should talk to him. One friend said clearly he had something important to tell her and she should ask. And yet another said there were only 6 faces in the whole world so it probably wasn't him at all but just that face. 

Six? Really? That seemed like too few. But she did agree that a lot of people look alike. There were actors she watched that she thought were really busy and always making movies only to find out that it was two different people. Still busy, but not two movies a year busy.

But it was the only time she had mentioned it. They had all been a little high at the time and nobody seemed to remember her talking about it. Or at least thought it was important once they were sober. 

He moved to the front of the drive through and she couldn't see him anymore. 

She knew she'd see him again though. She always did. 

(Prompt was "Write a story about a character that looks eerily familiar." This might be the first time I took a creepy prompt and De-creeped it.  Or did I?) 

Dissociated...

"I have dissociated from my therapist."

"I don't think that's what dissociation means."

"I used to be associated with my therapist and now I am not. I have dissociated. Which, according to my therapist, I have a problem with anyway."

"I still don't think that's exactly what your therapist means by dissociate."

"Oh I know. I mean, I know I actually dissociate in the sense that she's talking about. I can completely leave a situation without ever going anywhere. It's how I've made it through every family dinner since I was like 9. Uncle Bobby starts talking about what he can't say anymore, while saying it, and I'm on a beach in Hawaii while my mashed potatoes go cold."

"Right, so it's not surprising that your therapist would say you do it."

"Oh and I don't have a problem with that at all. She was the one who had a problem with me."

"Oh?"

 "She didn't like is when I said the medication she wanted to give me was just chemical dissociation."

"What did she want to give you?"

"She wants to put me on antidepressants. Which, I mean, might be a good idea. But when she explained them to me she said it would help to alter my brain chemistry so I could become less reactive toward things, less likely to be set back by things. More motivated."

"That sounds good."

"It does, but it also sounds like I'm not being me. I'm altering my brain to be something else. Dissociating."

"But not really. I mean, instead of dissociating to deal with things, medication could actually help you just deal with them. Like, telling Uncle Bobby that you don't want to talk about what he's talking about and could he change the subject."

"What a terrible idea. Then he would get mad and throw a fit and ruin everyone's dinner. Better to just let him spew and ignore him until he stops talking. I don't want medication that makes me forget what a smart choice shutting up is."

"Okay, maybe that's not the right example, but medication can help you just, I don't know, manage a little better. Okay, like I'm on medication for my ADD and it just helps to quiet the distractions. I'm not any different than I was, I'm just able to ignore all of the extra stuff while I focus on what I want to get done."

"But isn't that what I'm saying? That it's just a chemical booster to your brain to make it stop being like your brain is without it."

"Yeah, no, maybe? I mean it sounds like you think it's a bad thing?"

"No, not at all. I think it could be really helpful for me. I know your meds have made a huge difference in how much you enjoy your life. I'm not against them. I just think maybe we should stop being so precious in how we talk about them. Like my brain wants to wallow. Meds would make me stop focusing on those things."

"I think that's your disconnect. They wouldn't make you stop, they'd help you stop. You can still wallow on antidepressants. But it's easier not to if you don't want to if you are on medication. You don't get trapped in your head so easily. Medication is like a flashlight that can just help you find the way out of the dark. The right medication. I mean, there is some trial and error involved in finding out what works."

"Right, like the beach in Hawaii works, but pretending to be at the library doesn't."

"What?"

"To ignore Uncle Bobby."

"Oh, right, okay. Yeah, you have to figure out the balance."

"Okay. But I guess first I have to figure out how to find a new therapist."

"Yeah, that's probably a good first step."

"And I also have to stop saying dissociate because now it's lost all meaning."

"You've dissociated from dissociate."

"Nice."

 

Bad Dirt...

Bad Dirt

Was it the soil that was spoiled?
That's what she was wondering now.
How many times had she replanted?

How many flowers?
From seed, from bulb, from starts.
Blooms, maybe, maybe some growth

Leaves yellowing
Blossoms dropping
Shriveling and dying

She had tried over and over
Did they need more water?
Less water? No water?

Was it too sunny for that plant?
Did it need a shade lover?
Or was it the wrong season?

Now she looked at the soil
Was it spoiled? Poisoned?
Was there anything she could do?

She replanted. 
Tried again.
Maybe this time. 

What else could she do?

 

On Second Thought...

 Okay so that's not going to happen...

I looked at my fiction numbers yesterday (you knew that I would!) just to see how close I was and if I could make up ground. 

Holy shit I was prolific last year. Some years are like that for sure, last year was a record book one. To make the numbers I did last year I would basically have to write a new piece almost every day until the end of the year. 

Which, I mean, I love a challenge, you know that I do, but new fiction for that many days? Basically I would be looking at needing to write 30 fiction pieces in 39 days remaining (taking away vacation days and days I've already got a piece due to Dana) and with the state of the world, that's asking a lot from my muse. Who is, frankly, tired. The fact that I've basically been relying on the things I have been writing for Dana for new pieces for the blog this year shows that. 

Which, of course, makes me wonder what I am going to do next year. 

It's going to be a shit year. Either spent trying to ignore all but the most pressing things coming from Washington, or getting gut punched every few days with more batshittery, like the first go round. 

I don't know what it's going to be except bad. And I don't know how that is going to affect my desire to write let alone my capacity. And I know that that is not important to anyone but me. 

And of course as I write this part of my brain is trying to talk me into trying. Like Brent sent me a list of 9 children's Christmas story ideas this week. Stories for kids to write, to be clear. I told him even though he was joking one of them would probably end up a Krampus story, he told me that he was sure I could "Denisefy" them all. So I mean, there's a patch of potentials, and I do have a website I've used to get ideas as well...

But that would mean that I wouldn't be writing nonfiction, most likely. And I know that my brain is going to be buzzing with things I need to clear out so shouldn't I make sure I have time for that?

And 30 (33 if you count what I need to send to Dana) is a lot. Anything in November and December is a lot right? Like that was part of the challenge of NaNo, not so challenging anymore since they are allowing you to use AI, but in the old days when we were expect to write our own works, it always seemed like a good idea until November actually got rolling and pre-Christmas stuff started, and Thanksgiving hit full swing and...

I mean, sure, I always completed it when I did it but...

Thirty three new fiction pieces by the end of the year is a lot!

I'm not going to do it...

I'm totally going to do it, aren't I? 

Normal...

The next four years (I say four years but I honestly believe that this is not ending at four years) will be a mix of catastrophe and banality and joyfulness. The normal everyday living and the seismic shifts that change everything. And because humans are incredibly resilient we will all figure out how to make it work. 

I've talked on status updates that I will be living my angry joyful life for as long as I can. I'm going to be livid and pissed and determined the whole time about our country and our politics and the people who let it happen. And I'm going to be joyful and happy and enjoying my life and my loved ones as well. 

And I know that there will be days where the swing from disbelief and despair to wonder and joy will be massive. 

I know because we've lived it. We've seen what his presidency can do. And it will be worse this time, I know. And we've all also lived it through private grieving. Times when we've lost someone, or something, important to us and we go from full body sobbing to whole hearted laughing. 

People are resilient. 

You have to be to survive. 

And the normal things have to be done. Chores have to be taken care of. Cats have to be snugged. Workouts and meal planning and shopping all have to happen. The normal things that make a life just keep happening. Even when the latest news is that Project 2025 has been added to the president elect's webpage as a blueprint for the transition. I mean...we told you. 

So here we are. 

I noticed last week that I hit my writing goal numbers I set back in April when I realized that no goals was no bueno for me. I had decided just to duplicate last year's goal numbers even though I wrote more than the goal, but since I was starting a few months behind I could still have a productive year without stressing. So everything from here on out is gravy. Extra time. Of course I automatically switched to trying to hit the numbers I did last year. Come from behind goal shattering. Woo!

I won't be as productive with fiction (odds are) because I am posting things I wrote last year here on the blog and counting those in the goal numbers. I did tally up all that I wrote fictionwise last year in total so I can see how many fewer I've written so far. I might do that at the beginning of next month and see if a heavy fiction December would catch me up. That sounds like something I would do...

So that's my normal stuff right now. I'm still looking at goals and numbers and things I want to get done before the end of the year. Soon I'll start thinking about next year and how I want to handle it. I mean...it's hard to imagine I will be interested in my normal routine, but I know that I will need to. I know that the more normal I can make my day to day the better it will be for my head. 

That balance of catastrophe and banality and joyfulness. The everyday grind. The boring things. The beautiful things. The joyful things. And the relentless march of WTF coming from Washington. 

People are resilient. 

Thank fuck for that.  

Wolves...

She was cleaning her shotgun. If she had lived in the city people would have been aghast that she was cleaning a gun, and appalled that it was her own gun, and she had known how to shoot it and how to clean it for years already. But out here? People lived differently. A gun was just another tool on the ranch. Instead of in the city where it seemed that a gun wasn’t a tool but was owned by many who were.

There had been a wolf attack the night before. One of the calves had been taken. Tonight, they would bring the herd in closer to the house. The riders would stay up all night with their dogs at heel. Circling the mothers and babies to make sure that there were no more thefts.

Though she could never really think of it as a theft. More a cost of doing business here. The wolves were here first. The people took over the land. Planted grass, chased off the wildlife, and put in herds of docile, easy, prey. Losing a young one or a sick one to the wolves seemed inevitable.

Her family agreed for the most part. They didn’t kill the wolves that hunted their herd. They scared them off. Made them look for easier pickings. Which in a way was just chasing their problem away to become someone else’s problem. But you did what you needed to, to protect your herd. And the wolves did what they needed to as well.

When she was little her mother read her bedtime stories. When they would finish the story her mother would ask her what the lesson was. She learned that most of the stories we tell children we tell them to learn a lesson. Stories about getting lost in the woods were to teach you to be safe and stick to the path. Stories about getting popped into an oven for eating the witch’s house taught you not to take things that didn’t belong to you.

When she heard the story of Little Red Riding Hood in school she came home and asked her mother what the lesson was supposed to be. Red met the wolf on the path. She hadn’t been someplace she wasn’t supposed to be. The wolf snuck into her grandmother’s house and ate her. The grandmother wasn’t someplace she wasn’t supposed to be. The wolf was doing things no wolf would do. What was the lesson?

Her mother responded by giving her Goldilocks and the Three Bears to read. She told her mother she’d, obviously, already read it. But her mother told her to read it again. Thinking of the wolf in Little Red Riding Hood while she did.

What was the lesson?

Goldilocks didn’t get punished for breaking into the bear’s house and eating their food and breaking their things. She just got chased away. But what did I think happened to the bears?

What happened to the wolf?

How did a woodsman happen to be there right away? And why did he cut grandma open so quickly? And what happened to grandma’s house?

Maybe the stories were a distraction to be scared of the wolf instead of the woodsman.

When you are reading the stories, always remember to think about the wolf and the woodsman and the little blonde who thinks she can take whatever she wants. Who should you be scared of?

Protect yourself from the wolf. Protect your herd from the wolf. But know that they are doing what nature says they should do to survive.

But always question what the woodsman and Goldilocks are planning.

And keep your gun clean.

Books Chapter 18...

 Books Chapter Seventeen

“You want to talk about it?”

“Talk about what?”

“Talk about whatever is making you scowl like that.” Adele motioned at Gloria’s face. “If you think you are hiding your mood, you really aren’t.”

Gloria shook her head and sighed, “I’m trying but I am just so angry. Ellie and Peter and Jade blindsided me today with some sort of intervention about what a terrible person I am.”

“You’re going to need to give me more than that I think, why do they all think you are a terrible person? And isn’t Jade the girl you have a crush on? How does she fit in with Ellie and your TA? Oh, don’t look surprised, of course I know you have a crush on Jade. As we just pointed out, you don’t hide your emotions very well.”

“I don’t know if I would say crush. I don’t think I had gotten far enough to have a crush. Or maybe a little crush. Okay? How about that? But now I know that she’s really just a plant from Ellie.”

“That doesn’t sound like Ellie.”

“I wouldn’t have thought so either, but Jade just happened to show up today in the cafeteria at school when Ellie and Peter staged their intervention. And Ellie didn’t even try to pretend that she didn’t know her. She was just upset Jade showed up too early.”

“Okay, let’s come back to Jade later, tell me about this intervention.”

“They cornered me with their concern that I’ve been avoiding them and not acting like myself and then I found out that they have been meeting and talking about me for who knows how long.”

“Well, have you? Been avoiding them I mean. It’s been a few months since we first talked about you not being sure you wanted to teach. Did you ever talk to Ellie about that? Or your TA? Or have you just been avoiding them so you didn’t disappoint anyone?”

Gloria pursed her lips tight.

“There it is again. Your face is telling me the answer. You never talked to Ellie or to your TA did you? You’re just going along with the plan but still aren’t sure you want to do this?”

“I just don’t want to disappoint everyone. There have been so many people that helped me get to this place and…”

“Yes, they helped you get here. And here is where you are. That doesn’t change. I think we tell kids the wrong thing about college. College shouldn’t be where you go with a plan to become something, college should be where you go to learn what you want to do next. It bothers me that we make you all declare majors so early. Spend a couple of years taking a little bit of everything. Then figure it out.”

“It’s too much money to do that.”

“That is another conversation but it’s the same problem. Remember when I told you there are a lot of ways to be a teacher? Well, there are also a lot of ways to get an education. We need to stop acting like it’s a better one if you pay more for it. Okay, enough of my ranting, let’s get back to your issue. Did they really tell you that you were a terrible person or are you projecting that on to them?”

“Well…”

“Feeling a little guilty that you didn’t ever have that conversation that you knew you should have and instead ignored your friends? Is that why you are so angry? Maybe you got defensive instead of listening to them?”

“Whose side are you on, anyway?”

“Yours. I will always be on your side, but part of being on your side is letting you know when I think you aren’t facing the truth.”

“Okay, yeah, I was a little shocked that they were talking about me behind my back, but I can see that I got really defensive about it because they were right, I should have talked to both of them about what I was feeling. It still doesn’t excuse Ellie for sending in Jade to spy on me though!”

“No, it wouldn’t. And I think you need to ask her about that. But calmly. Maybe start the discussion over again, tell her why you’ve been acting the way you have and ask her why she did that. She is your best friend, and I have a hard time with everything you’ve told me about your friendship believing that she would do anything to hurt you like that.”

“You’re right. I need to talk to her.”

“I know I’m right. And I also know that I am not going to get good work out of you until you take care of this. And you are going to scare the customers off with that face so go home early and take care of this.”

Gloria reached out and hugged Adele, “Thank you. You are the best boss I could ever imagine having.”

“I know. I’m awesome. Also? Call your mother and talk to her after you talk to Ellie. Don’t keep the people who only want what’s best for you in the dark. Trust that they will understand and probably even want to help.”

Books Chapter Nineteen

And There We Go...

Well, you fuckers let me down. 

Yeah, I know it's not YOU fuckers specifically. But once again the people of the United States looked at that supremely unqualified man and decided to not vote for the supremely qualified woman running against him. 

Just a few days ago I wrote about remembering that feeling from 2016 and let me tell you it doesn't feel any better the second time around.

We saw just a few results starting to roll in Tuesday night. I wanted to not obsess since it could take days to know for sure, like it did in 2020. But what we saw was not great. Brent said, maybe it's like 2020 where the red wave of early counts hit then the blue wave caught up? I told him this feels much more like 2016 than 2020. It just feels bad. 

We went to bed with both of us worried. That sick feeling creeping in. Checked the results first thing in the morning and yeah...just sick. 

Cried. Again. The kind of crying that happens when you are mourning. Where you are doing things, going on with your day, but your eyes won't stop leaking. It's just too much to shut off. So I cried while I made breakfast. I cried while Brent read some of the breakdowns of what the fuck happened. 

And then...

I stopped crying. 

Last time I cried for literal days. And I was on the edge of tears for ages. 

This time I shifted right to anger. 

I think it's because I don't have the stunned disbelief that I had last time. The feeling of "this isn't us! how could this be?" Because I know it is. I know that it could be because it has been. And is again. I know that for a large part of the country he is somehow appealing. 

And this time, this time he will even win the popular vote. 

I mean.

What do you do with that?

Except get really fucking angry. 

I think it's the helplessness that makes me so mad. I literally cannot do a thing about it. He won the presidency, the Senate flipped to Republican and the House quite possibly will as well. Add that to the Supreme Court that said he can do whatever he wants and we are all just screwed. Even most of the people that voted for him, they just don't understand it yet. 

There is a small handful of people who are going to do really really well, they are going to make even more money and gain even more power.

There is a base of religious extremists that are going to gain a lot of power and will be happy with that even if financially they start to realize it was a mistake. Power to dictate what we all can do based on their religious beliefs has always been what they are after. 

And the rest of us will suffer. 

All of the breakdowns talk about it being inflation. That's what did it. There was no way for Biden or Harris to win because groceries were too high.

Harris had a plan to take down the prices. Page 15 in her posted book of plans. I know the page number by heart because I posted it so often for people. But she had a plan. His plan? He's going to add tariffs and mass deport a large chunk of our supply chain workforce. Do you think that is going to lower prices? Because it's not. 

He's going to put people into positions of power that have no business being there. Including Musk who has said he's going to do for the American economy what he did for Twitter. He's even said it's going to be awful for awhile, then it will get better. He's telling you he's going to crash our economy. He's going to slam us into a recession. But don't worry, it's going to get better, he's going to make a lot of money for himself.

It's infuriating. 

And I get it, we aren't supposed to say that people are stupid because that's what loses Democrats elections. Being snobby elites. But, come on, don't be so fucking stupid and I won't call you stupid. 

I also don't believe it was just the cost of groceries. I believe the racism and sexism are too baked in to our country for her to be able to break through. Maybe if she had been one or the other, but both? Nah. 

And yeah, it just doesn't make sense. There was so much momentum behind her. So much excitement. And people were starting to seem to see his drastic mental decline. People were leaving the rallies early, or not showing up. There wasn't the maniacal support that there had been. Even he seemed to understand that he was losing this one. But when it came time to move on from him they just couldn't. They voted for him. And people on the other side of the aisle stayed home or voted third party. 

When we vote we win. Well we didn't vote and we lost. 

We all lost. 

Democracy was on the line and we said, pass. 

In 2020 we got it. It was important. We needed to save the country. We voted him out. Then he staged an insurrection, got impeached again, got convicted of multiple felony counts, became an adjudicated rapist, was charged in multiple other crimes, tied to trying to rig the election and holding on to classified documents, talked about his close friendships with dictators and people said...okay, let's give him another chance.  They understood how important it was to defeat him in 2020, then he got worse, and they voted for him, or at least didn't vote for his opponent which is the same thing. 

I just don't fucking get it. And I never will. It's not disbelief, as in I didn't think it could happen, I told Brent this summer I thought it was going to happen, it's I don't fucking get it. How do people do that? How do you vote for a criminal?

How do you put the price of my daughter's life at a couple extra dollars at the grocery store? Oh and I get it, it adds up, I mean if you were paying an additional $100 a week that would be $5200 a year. And honestly can I expect you to think my daughter is worth more than five grand? 

Yeah, fuck you. 

That's where I am right now. 

I'm angry. 

And I'm going to stay angry. 

They might have wanted to drink my liberal tears, but they can choke on my righteous anger instead. 

Mistakes Were Made...

One of the things that is giving me hope to cling on to today is the number of people who have come out and said "I voted for Trump in 2016 and (or) 2020 and I am voting for Harris this time." 

It's really hard to admit that you've made a mistake. Especially publically. 

And especially for those that identified as MAGA. 

In the 2020 election someone I know who works for Amazon kept saying that they were sure Trump was going to win again because he hadn't seen a bit of Biden merch go out but he'd packed a ton of Trump stuff. Maybe even more than in 2016. More hats, more flags, more yard signs, more shirts, more car magnets. You remember all of that stuff. 

I say remember because you haven't seen nearly as much of it this time around. 

That also gives me some hope to cling on to. 

In 2020 I wasn't convinced by the argument that more Trump stuff meant more votes. Because I was voting Biden, a lot of my friends were voting Biden, and not a single one of us had any Biden merch. We were voting Biden, that's it. The identification with the candidate, like they are an avatar of who we are wasn't there. 

I'm excited that I got to vote for Harris. Back in 2020 my original hope for the ticket was a Warren/Harris ticket. I was thrilled I at least got half of it. So voting for Harris was easy and I'm thrilled. I feel from my friends a lot of the joy of voting for her that they had voting for Obama. Again, another thing that gives me hope. She's an inspiring candidate. 

But again, she's not an avatar for me. I know (already) there are things I don't agree with her on. But I also believe she's the closest to my beliefs by a landslide. 

But for those former MAGAs admitting that they made a mistake? That's a lot harder. They've identified with Trump. They made him a leader of their party, and also some sort of avatar for themselves. And to break away from that, to say, okay, he wasn't actually standing up for me, he was and is a grifter who is only out for his own good. That's hard. 

When you make a mistake it's hard to own up to it. Those people that are voting for Harris after voting for Trump, or after voting Republican their entire lives, that's amazing. 

I know. 

I voted for Jill Stein. 

Breathe...take a deep breath. Not this time. Not last time. Not even the time before that. I voted for Jill Stein during Obama's second term. 

I knew it didn't matter. I live in deep blue Oregon. It was even deeper blue back then. My vote for president literally did not matter. But I was unhappy with the Obama administration. I felt like he had squandered a majority in both houses and not gotten done what he should. I wanted to somehow voice that opinion. So I (safely) voted third party. 

It was a mistake. 

The night of the election when results started coming in and that thing where it looks like the Republicans are winning before the Democrats catch up thing was happening and I started to think...oh shit. 

Now Oregon was still never in play. If it had been I wouldn't have voted the way I did. But...even so...what if? What if a lot of us were like, LOOK we're mad! What if? What if I had helped usher Romney into the White House? 

I knew better. I knew that Nader was one of the factors that cost Gore the election against Bush. 

But I still did it. 

And I will give myself slight credit (aside from the safely Blue part) and say she wasn't a Russian asset at that point in time. She really was just a Green Party candidate. But the problem is that so many of us voted for her in 2012 that Russia noticed. She didn't receive much, less than a percent of the vote nationwide (but a little over 1% in Oregon) but it was significantly more than the Green Party had ever received before. So when she ran in 2016...

Well her vote margin in three swing states would have been enough to tip the election to Clinton. 

I did not vote for her in 2016. I actively warned people against voting for her because it was too close. And with her stating that Clinton was a bigger threat than Trump it seemed she had lost the plot. 

But I still have to own that I voted for her in 2012. I gave her candidacy some validity. Not just me, I'm not that vain, but me and the rest of us who voted for her. And the Russian machine promoted the hell out of her in 2016 and 2020 and now again in 2024. Though it's gone from Russia is promoting her to pictures of her having dinner with Putin so maybe not a real mystery there. 

Her running mate this time is also anti trans, so she's got that not going for her as well. 

The thing I learned as I watched those results coming in in 2012 is that I wouldn't ever do a protest vote again. That feeling in my stomach when it seemed there was a shot of Obama not winning his second term...well it wasn't as bad as the feeling when Trump won his first, but it was more personal. It was a "you did this!" feeling. 

Since then I've read Biden's book and Obama's book and I understand what was happening that first term. Why things didn't get done. And I understand what he doing. He was trying to build coalitions. To make sure things that were passed were bipartisan. He was no drama Obama afterall. It was a miscalculation as to how united the Republicans were in making him fail. Super frustrating to read those books and see how they were trying to do the right thing, knowing that there was no way they could. It brought back the frustration of that first term when I just wanted him to use the power he had and get shit done. 

The other thing that changed was how I approach political discourse. Obama's first term and second I didn't really talk about politics publically very often. If you knew me, you might know where I stood. I wasn't ashamed and I was very informed. I would have a discussion with anyone who asked. But I didn't go out on my own to start those conversation for the most part. On Facebook I'd even apologize before a post if it was even remotely political. 

Can you imagine? 

But that stopped. After I realized that I almost threw (not really, it was never close, it just felt that way for a few moments) the results of an election to someone I didn't want to win because I was pouting over not getting my way? Oh holy shit...that stopped. 

Protest votes aren't effective. Unless you want the person you are protesting against to lose. If that's your end game then fine. But otherwise you are much better off getting the people who are closest to your alignment elected and then petitioning them for change. Call your congresspeople. Post on the White House petition forms. Campaign for change. 

Write status updates and blogs and postcards. 

But don't throw your vote away in protest. 

It's okay to make mistakes. It's okay to be wrong. But once you realize it was a mistake, correct it. And then don't do it again. 

Fingers crossed enough people are rectifying their mistakes today and it will be a Harris victory with no room for doubt. 

Here We Are...

The phone banks have been banked. The post cards have been posted. The think pieces have been thought. And the oh fuck you posts have been posted. 

This is it. 

Here we are. 

Tomorrow is the last day of voting.  

After an impossibly long campaign season.

I told Brent I needed to write today but all I could think about writing was, "You fuckers better not let me down" and that I think I'm positive that those of you that read my blog that can vote in an American election didn't. So I wasn't sure what to write.

Because right now that's all I can think about. Please let this go the way I hope it will go. 

That's me right now. I keep seeing things that make me really optimistic that this is going to be a wonderful result. 

And then I see something that makes my stomach clench. 

I think it's that I will never forget what it felt like in 2016 to be so sure it was going to be Clinton and then it wasn't. I cried. Actual tears. I would lay awake at night in dread of what was coming. No matter how much I tried to convince myself it wasn't going to be that bad, I knew it was going to be that bad. 

It was that bad. 

And this time it would be worse. 

I have no doubt he is going to lose the popular vote. I mean, he's never once won the popular vote. More people voted against him than for him when he did become president. I know that more people in the United States would rather he lost but that's not going to matter if the people in a handful of states decide to vote for him. 

I've never been a fan of the Electoral College, I never will be a fan of the Electoral College. We should abolish the Electoral College. But as long as the Republicans can't win without it we will never be free of it. And right now they can't win without it. 

Gerrymandered states and the Electoral College keep them in power. And nobody likes to give up power. Heaven forfend they had to come up with better ideas to get people to vote for them. I mean...who does that?

My plan tomorrow is to watch something on streaming. Not to obsess about results. To understand that odds are it will be a few days before we know for sure. 

That's my plan.

I had a similar plan in 2020.

Ask me if I stuck to it...

Someone on my friend's list posted the other day that he (it's always a he) didn't understand why people were so worried about this. Just vote and then relax, nothing you can do so why stress? OH HOLY FUCK WHAT A POSITION OF PRIVILEGE! I mean, well, sure, if I had nothing really to lose if TFG wins maybe I wouldn't be so stressed. But I do. I have things to lose. And there are people in the world who don't understand that they also have things to lose. That it is never just contained in a small group with guys like him. And like Vance. And let's face it, you know Peter Thiel did not spend all of that money for Vance to not take Trump out as soon as he possibly can if they are elected. If I were Trump and I won I'd be really careful around stairs, Ivana isn't the only one who can take a timely fall.

It's stressful. 

And I get what he is trying to say. There is nothing that can be done at this point and worrying won't change the outcome. 

But...

I'm still stressed out. 

Because there is so much to lose if TFG wins. And there is a big potential for violence if he loses. 

But for now, everything I can do, I've done. 

You fuckers better not have let me down...

Books Chapter 17...

Books Chapter Sixteen B

Jade looked up and spotted Gloria in line for coffee.

“Hey, Gloria! Hi!”

Gloria turned and saw her, “Oh hi! Wait, do you go here?”

“I do. I’m a junior, I did my first year back home and transferred here second semester of my sophomore year. Are you thinking about coming here?”

Gloria laughed, “I have been. For the past three and half years. I can’t believe I’ve never seen you around campus.”

“Well, there are a few thousand of us, so I guess maybe it’s not so weird. But hey! Now we know. Umm, so, I’m on my way over to look at art installment in Rickover Hall. Did you want to join me?”

“Oh, I do want to see that. I’m meeting a friend though so…”

Jade tried not to look disappointed. Afterall it wasn’t like they had made plans, or even were planning on making plans. They didn’t even really know each other. And really Gloria probably thought she was weird for even asking and…

“But, I know she has plans at 3 so if you could push it, we could meet back here around 2:30 and go? I mean, I have no idea what your schedule is or if you have something you could do to waste some time, but I do want to see it and...”

“That sounds great. I was going to return some books at the library after I saw the exhibition and I’ll just swap the order.” Jade grabbed her empty coffee cup and pastry wrapper from the table, “You keep this space to meet your friend and I’ll see you back here in a little bit.” She was trying not to smile too broadly.

“Sounds good, see you again soon!” Gloria settled down to wait for Ellie.

She was reading her book when a chair across from her was pulled out. Looking up expecting Ellie she was surprised to see Peter.

“Oh hey, long time no see.”

“Hi, yeah, Ellie is grabbing coffee and will be over in a second.”

“Okay…”

Ellie came over and took a seat next to Peter across from Gloria. “Okay, no beating around the bush. We’re worried about you.”

“First off, hello to you too. Second off, we? Since when are you and Peter a we? And third, what?”

Ellie blushed a little, “We aren’t a we. Not like that. I just mean we have been talking about you and…”

Gloria cut her off, “You have been talking about me? What? Why have you been talking about me?”

“That’s what we’re here to talk to you about. If you’d give me a chance to explain.”

“We live in the same house. You could have explained anytime you wanted to instead of dragging my advisor in to this.”

“I’m not here as your academic advisor, I’m here as a friend. At least I thought we were friends?”

“Yeah, I thought so too, but this is feeling very much like getting called to the principal’s office over some sort of bullshit.”

“It’s not like that at all. And I didn’t ask you at home because you are never at home. You’re always at the bookstore. Or running to class because you were up so late at the bookstore that you slept in. And every time I try to bring up next semester and where you are going to do your student teaching you run off. So, I went to Peter to see if he knew what was going on.”

“You went to Peter to spy on me? What the heck, Ellie. You are all about honesty and just saying what you mean, and you’ve been discussing me behind my back? And you. Isn’t that completely unethical or something? Discussing my academic plans with someone else?”

“It’s not like that. You are overreacting. We’ve just both been really concerned about you and haven’t been able to talk to you because you are always busy and…”

“Yeah, I’m busy. Unlike some people I have to work and can’t just lounge around between classes.”

Ellie looked stung. “That’s…that’s not fair.”

Gloria knew it wasn’t, but she was too mad to really care. “And did you tell her that my grades are fine and I’m doing the work? Or do you not trust that anyone other than you can judge my output?”

Peter sat back a little, “Look, this is not at all the way we had planned on this going, or what we were trying to do. We weren’t meeting to talk about you behind your back as some sort of judgment. Just you’ve pulled away from both of us and have seemed really evasive when either one of us has tried to ask you questions and so we thought it was best if we just…”

Ellie interrupted, “Jade? Hi… I…”

Gloria spun and looked from Jade to Ellie, “Wait? You know each other? Oh perfect. You couldn’t just be content meeting with Peter to discuss my future you sent in a spy? Oh, I’m sure it was for my own good. Something your mother would do, right? Cover all the bases. But with the best of intentions only. Unbelievable.” She pushed away from the table and grabbed her pack, “Talk amongst yourselves. I’m fine. If you had bothered to just ask, I could have told you that.”

And with that she stormed out of the cafeteria leaving Peter and Ellie to wonder how their good intentions had been so misconstrued and leaving Jade having no idea what had just happened.

“Either one of you want to explain to me what that was and why I’m apparently seeing the new installation by myself?”

Books Chapter Eighteen

Universal Homework...

Funny story about the Universe.

On Wednesday I made a Facebook post about your sphere of influence and would you be proud or embarrassed by what you put out there. Then I went to the grocery store and the Universe said, "Show your work."

I was unloading my groceries and there was a young man ahead of me. I started to catch the conversation he was having with the checker. 

"That's $42.16."

"I only have $30.00"

And so they started going through his things to see what he could take off. Off went the Dr. Pepper. But that wasn't enough. She suggested the Chinese noodles he had gotten from the deli. That would take the rest off he needed. He said, "That was going to be my lunch, but I guess."

So she took those off and his total was twenty nine dollars and some change. 

I got her attention and told her just to ring those up on my order. 

He first looked at me kind of horrified, like I was going to take his Dr. Pepper and noodles, then realized that I was paying for them and he could take them. He thanked me, I told him it was not a problem that we've all been there before and I was glad I could help him out. Then as he left he thanked me again and wished me a good day. 

Nice kid. Zero eye contact. Very uncomfortable speaking to me directly. But nice kid.  

What a good day at the grocery store, which I HATE going to the grocery store so anytime I can leave with a positive feeling that's...oh wait. I'm not done. 

The guy behind me in line had something to add. 

"You shouldn't have done that. Now he's just going to expect people to do that for him all the time. It's like feeding a stray dog."

Oh lord...now I'm not sure if all of you know my feeling on that particular analogy but for those of you that do know that Bad Denise stepped in without even a moment of hesitation from Good Denise getting out of the way. 

I smiled at him. "First off you did not just compare that young man to a stray dog because he didn't have the money to cover his groceries. And secondly, if there was a stray dog near me that was starving and I had the means to feed it I would. Because decent people don't let others starve."

"He wasn't going to starve. Those were luxury items he didn't even need."

So I looked at his groceries that were now on the belt. "Should I start labeling what you need and what you don't?"

He puffed out his chest. "I'm paying for this with my own money so it's nobody's business what I buy."

"And that was my money. It's none of your business what I buy with it."

"You could see how he kept looking back at us waiting for someone to pay for his things."

"What I saw was a kid who was clearly embarrassed to be short and was aware the line was backing up and that people were probably going to judge him. Which, clearly, they were."

"He conned you."

"Even if he did, what business is it of yours? Maybe pay attention to your own things and stop worrying about mine."

And then when he started to speak again I held up my hand in a stop motion. Man the huff he huffed at that. 

The checker finished checking me out smiled and said, "I won't ask you if you want to donate to the food drive since you already have." I smiled back and told her "We all need to help out when we are able. Sometimes it's just a lot more direct."

And as I was walking away he told the checker, "She was..." and the checker cut him off and said, "I think it was a nice thing to do."

So I left the store fairly ticked off. But also glad I could help out that young man. I've literally been the person taking things off my total to cover it. I've been the person at the gas pump putting in exactly $4.00 because I had exactly $4.00. I've been the person embarrassed to my core that I was broke. I'm glad he got to have his noodles, that I'm sure he had been looking forward to, and his Dr. Pepper. 

I'm glad the checker felt emboldened enough to shut that guy down again. Even though the vein in his forehead probably exploded over it. 

And I'm glad that I don't have a problem making my voice heard when I need to. Speaking up to cover the few dollars he needed. Speaking up to shut down the dude behind me. My sphere of influence on Wednesday was a different one than normal, but I hope I made a positive difference.

Even though when I got home and Brent looked at the grocery receipt he was bummed there wasn't actually Dr. Pepper and Chinese noodles for lunch. 

And when he heard the dude used the stray dog line on me and I didn't swear or punch him in the nose he gave me the appropriate virtual gold star. 

Overall it was a good trip to the grocery store. And the Universe was appeased.