Making It Harder...

 Math, man...math...

Adjustments to Make...

 More 2025 preplanning type stuff.

Unpopular Opinion...

 Only another week of these dual links. 

Looking Ahead...

 Talking Goals

Forwarding Addresses...

 

Tis the season...

All Good Things...

 I know this seems weird, to just link the other, but I want to get a clean number for the end of this year on this site. It would bug my brain if I didn't. So...

All Good Things.

Not Really Talking About It...

 Not Really Talking About It

Dear ABC

 Dear ABC 

Homecoming Christmas...

 "Are you heading home for Christmas?"

"I am home."

"You know what I mean. Back to your hometown. Are you going back this year?"

"I don't think so. I think I'm going to go back for New Year's Eve this year. Let things clear out and calm down first."

"Won't your folks be upset?"

"Nah, not as long as I make it back sometime. My mother will fuss a little bit about it not being the same and she will be upset I won't be there to be fixed up with whatever poor guy she's picked out for me, but she'll get over it as long as I show up for New Year's Eve."

"How about your brother? Will he be mad that you're putting all the holiday pressure on him?"

"My brother? Are you kidding? He's so busy this time of year he can hardly see straight. A visit after Christmas will be perfect for him. And it will give me a chance to meet the latest girlfriend."

"Oh? Is he seeing someone?"

"Now? I'm not sure. It's probably just at the seeing each other around town stage right now, but by then? Sure he'll be deeply in love with Holly or Noelle or Carol or Eve or..."

"Oh come on! They aren't always named something like that."

"Aren't they though? I mean, maybe not their real names, but the one they tell him is always something like that. My favorite was Vixen. She knew what she was after and made it happen without any shame."

"Does it bother him?"

"Nah. I mean, eventually he will find someone and settle down, but for now he's fine playing Christmas Fantasy Man. And if he ever decides to move any big city he's got contacts in Real Estate, Law and Publishing just to name a few. I mean, his network of Christmas Girlies is vast."

"Is that what you call them?"

"I do. I mean, it sounds derogatory, but in a way I envy them. They found a way to cosplay their favorite movies and have their own December to Remember. None of them really want to stay in a small town in Vermont and work the Christmas Tree farm year round, but for a few weeks in December, maybe a little bit of January? It's fun. It's fairly harmless. I mean as long as everyone knows what's going on. And Nick has always seemed to be aware that he was a prop not a real proposal."

"But he really is a good guy and they really would be lucky to have him."

"For sure. I mean, I'm biased, he's my baby brother after all, but he is a good guy. He's good looking. He's honest. He's a hard worker. He's named Nick and runs a Christmas Tree farm. I mean, if he isn't perfect he's darn close. And eventually someone will snatch him up and probably make him start going by his middle name, at least during December."

"Ha! That would be hilarious. My names Ni...I mean Abner."

"Well, yeah, his middle name isn't Abner but that would work too. He could always hire an apprentice. The pay isn't great, but the perks are fun. But how about you? Are you staying here or heading back to your hometown?"

"I'm staying too. Hey, since you are in town did you want to come to our celebration? We're having a bunch of people over. The mixed group of don't want to be alones, but don't want to go homes. We start on Christmas Eve with a potluck dinner, white elephant gift exchange, board games until drop, pajama party sleep in, then Gary's famous cinnamon rolls for Christmas breakfast."

"Oh my gosh, that sounds perfect and I think I might not ever go back to Vermont for Christmas again as long as you are hosting that!"

"Great! I'll put you on the food list. We pick randomly out of a hat who brings what, so cross your fingers it's something you like to make!"

"Cross your fingers I get dessert, I mean, I did help run the bakery after all."

"Oh my gosh that's right! Maybe I'll just slip a little note on the list, Joy is bringing cookies"

"Julie."

"Oh, that's right, I totally forgot you were going by your middle name now."

"Especially this time of year."

"Especially."

Books Chapter 23...

 Books Chapter Twenty Two

“Oh no!”

“Why oh no? I think that was great. He was pretty slick getting her to back down from attacking him because of his name. And we even got a plug for the event…oh no!”

“Exactly! It’s sold out. People can’t just stop by. Hopefully nobody will think they can. I don’t want to make anybody mad. Do you think that people will just stop by?”

“Okay, even if they do, how many people would it be? It’s a local TV show in the middle of the morning so how many people are even watching to start. And the event starts in an hour. Most people will check a website before they head out and our website clearly shows that it’s sold out. It will be fine. I’m sure of it.”

“Okay, you’re probably right. And we can always ask him to sign a few extra copies just incase somebody does stop by and…”

“Breathe. Just take a deep breath. It will all be fine. We’ve done this before. You know what to do. You have this.”

“You’re right. It’s just that this is so many more people than we’ve done before. And I want it to go really well.”

They had held events for each of Ellie’s new releases and they had gotten bigger and bigger each time. But Ellie had always wanted to keep the numbers fairly small. Even though she was able to sell out much larger event spaces for readings now, she wanted to feel as though she was reading to just friends when she was in Gloria’s store.

Peter wanted to have the biggest event he could have in the space. He only wanted to do one reading and signing instead of a full book tour. He had no plans to write another book ever. He hadn’t really planned on writing this one, but Ellie had convinced him he could reach more people this way than just through the outreach program of the charity they had set up. She reminded him that there were people who could do a lot of good in the world who would never join a group to do so.

Gloria was also sure that there were people who had signed up to listen to Peter who had done so hoping to see Ellie. She would never say that out loud to Peter, but honestly, he probably already knew. He was never intimidated by how successful Ellie’s writing career was. All of them had known she would be huge. Gloria was her original fan, but Peter and Jade had been there since college. You couldn’t help but fall in love with her worlds.

Owning a bookstore hadn’t been her original plan but looking back over her life she thought there was no other ending that would have felt as right. Every good thing in her life had come to her through books. Either reading them, recommending them, learning not to judge someone by the one they carried, or hitting someone in the face with them.

Today during Peter’s signing she and Jade would be announcing their own contribution to making the world what they wanted it to be. They would be starting up a free book program. Modeled after Dolly Parton’s Imagination Library they would be working with local groups to make sure every kid had books of their own. She and Jade had dreams of eventually having a scholastic book fair type set up with books, posters, and games for the kids to choose from. But for now, it was a selection of books that had been donated. New books. With plenty of choices.

Every good thing in her life had come to her through books. She couldn’t wait to pass that along.

“Uh, hon?”

“Yeah?”

“Does that look like more people that we were expecting?”

Gloria looked out the window and saw a massive line forming in the parking lot. Definitely more than they were expecting.

The bell on the back door rang as Ellie and Peter arrived.

Ellie called out, “We’re here! The interview went well! Did you see it?”

“We’re up here. I think we might have a problem.”

Ellie’s eyes widened, “Does the store really hold that many people?”

“No, it doesn’t. I think there were a lot of people watching that interview who decided to come check it out for themselves. I’m not sure what we are going to do.”

Peter laughed, “This is great!”

“No, it’s not. We were already sold out. I mean, we have some extra books, but I don’t even know if we have enough extra for all of them. And I can’t fit them inside. And they are going to be so pissed…”

“I’ve got a few boxes in the car that they sent me to sign, and we can sell those today, the publisher can send me replacements later. And we can let in the first wave of people, the ones with the tickets for the original event for the reading and let everyone else know that I will sign until my hand gives out if they want to stick around.”

Ellie chimed in, “I think I can help entertain the overflow crowd for a bit as well, I’ve actually got a piece I’ve been working on that we could give them a sneak preview. We will make sure that everyone has a good time.”

Jade took Gloria’s hand, “We’ve got this. We always do.”

Peter laughed, “Yes, we do! Let’s go be the change!”

Ellie smiled, “He’s still a little pumped from the interview. Let’s see how he feels after a few hours of signing Berranger over and over.”

“Peter B. works!”

“Alright, let’s get this party started.”

With that Gloria stepped outside to sort the crowd announcing the changes to the schedule and what they were going to do to make sure everyone left happy. She hadn’t needed to worry so much. Friendships were formed in that line that day that did end up changing the world.

Every good thing in her life had come from books.

Miscommunication

 His father had always told him that someday his mouth would get him in trouble. He talked too much. No filter. If it popped in his head it came out of his mouth. He had two ears and one mouth. Listen more, talk less. Like his brother always did.

His brother was like his father, but without the cruel streak. He was a big listener. Didn't say a lot but when he spoke people paid attention. And agreed. Yes! That is exactly what they were trying to say. He was good at managing unruly groups of people. He would say that oftentimes what was happening was violent agreement. They all actually felt the same way but just had different ways of expressing it. Once you got people unlocked from those patterns they could work together.

He knew his brother would have handled this differently. Just another way he didn't measure up to their father's expectations for them both. He didn't resent his brother, infact if it weren't for his brother he wouldn't have even gotten this job. His brother recommended him for the work. Told everyone he was a good solid worker. Could be trusted. He didn't resent his brother for being better at things than he was, it wasn't his brother's fault he was the favored child any more than it was his fault that he wasn't.

Honestly though he really was the lucky one.

Not like, completely lucky, after all he was trapped underground in a cage with no real belief he was going to survive but still luckier than some.

When his exploration party had been captured it had all happened too fast for him to really understand exactly how it happened. After all the planet wasn't populated with anything they considered dangerous. There was life, but it wasn't like them so they had dismissed it as something to study not something to be worried about.

At least until the first few parties were abducted, now the rest of the settlers knew that they needed to be on guard and take some precautions. Apparently they had sent back messages to Earth for more weapons and they were experimenting with isolated burns, trying to eradicate the life without exploding their own homes.

He had picked up this information from his captors. They told him things. He wasn't sure if they did it on purpose or if it was just a side effect of the way they communicated. But he knew about what was happening on the surface. He knew what they needed from him. He knew what their plans were.

They needed him to learn how to speak. They didn't communicate through vocalization. They just knew what each other was thinking. Telepathy, but more than that. They were tied together, not just with each other, but with the entire planet. It was one giant organism in a way. Like mushrooms, or some other fungus. But that seemed sort of derogatory in his mind so he tried not to think of them like that. But that's the closest he could come to understanding them.

It was how his party had been taken. They knew where they were. They knew where everyone was, where everything was, and when they decided to take them the ground under them moved and swallowed them up. Brought them down under the surface, who knows how far, into this room. He and the others were put in cages, mud rooms really, and then the experiments started.

Like he said, he was lucky. The first person they tried communicating with they literally melted his brain. There was the smell. Like roasting meat. Then the smoke coming out of his ears. It would have been comical if it hadn't been terrifying.

All humans are is electric pulses. Every thought they have, every heartbeat, every nerve impulse. It's all electricity. These beings are the same. But they are at a much higher amperage than humans are. Putting all of that energy into a human brain did not work. It took them four tries at converting and reducing their output so human minds could handle it.

Luckily he was the fifth person they experimented on.

Their plan was simple. At least for them. They were going to travel to Earth and explain to the population that they were destroying the planet and that they needed to take care of the ecosystem that they were a part of before it was too late. Earth of the past. They were trying to decide when they would need to arrive to make the change before it was too late.

Apparently time is just a map. You could pick any spot on that map and go there, if you understood how the energy waves worked. And they did. He really wanted to get back to Earth and share that information with his brother. The things they could do with that knowledge. It was dizzying to think of.

But they didn't want to exploit the system, what they wanted to do was go back in time and stop the destruction of Earth. Stop the need for colonization of other planets. Stop them from destroying things they didn't understand.

For months now they had kept him in his cage. They had taken supplies when they took his party so he had food, though they all left the area when they would feed him. He could feel their disgust at what was in the MREs. He couldn't really blame them, they weren't the best tasting, but also it was deeper than that, it was what was in there.

They took their nutrition from the soil of their planet. And gave back to the soil what it needed through their waste. Honestly, he was disgusted at the thought of essentially eating poop so he couldn't blame them for being disgusted with him eating beef stew. To each their own.

But they had taken decent care of him. For awhile when there were more of his party still alive, he had had people to talk to. Now it was just him. And them. And they had learned how to communicate directly with him. He could understand them and they could understand him. They were just working on how to vocalize the words. They wouldn't be able to just tie into every Earthling's head the way they had with him. They wanted to be able to speak to them. To reason with them.

And that's where his mouth got him into trouble. Just like his father said it would. Though this time it was his mind. No filter. What he thought he shared.

He told them that there had been people who had tried that but it hadn't worked. That for decades before they used up all of the Earth's resources there were a lot of their own scientists that said it was happening. But nobody was willing to change. The thought that it was easier to just start going to other planets took hold and that was that. Infact, it had actually sped up the destruction of Earth when they started testing rockets and mining for the minerals needed to power them.

They spread a blanket of calm reason across his mind and explained that they would be able to make his people understand. They would show them how to care for the planet and what the damage they were doing would cause. Reason was the way to reach them.

He had laughed. And reminded them that when his people discovered that they were sentient beings, sentient beings that were not happy with the colonization of their planet, his people had sent messages back to Earth, not that they needed to leave, but that they need more weapons. Reason wasn't really going to work.

He felt it then. The first shift. He had gotten through to them. Just like his brother would have. He had listened to them and explained to them why what they were saying was flawed. He had done it. He had a moment of feeling proud.

Just a moment.

He wasn't sure what would happen to him now. They tried to explain to him. It would be instantaneous. And painless. But he couldn't wrap his head around it, even with their help.

Instead of trying to save Earth they would be going back to destroy it.

They didn't view it as total destruction, just a little alteration in the timeline. When that first being pulled itself from the primordial ooze it would be met with a life that was already formed, and it would be absorbed and then given back to the Earth to try again.

Ish Then...

Okay, after all of the back and forth in my head I've finally decided. I'm not leaving Facebook. Ish. I mean I'm leaving Facebook. Ish. I'm totally ishing.

The Terms and Services changes saying they can use my posts in perpetuity really bothers me. So clearly I cannot stay.

But the majority of my social circle is there. So clearly I cannot leave.

The Terms and Services changes saying that this is the last time you have a choice in being notified of changes and leaving really bothers me. So clearly I cannot stay.

But there are companies that I deal with who have moved almost their entire customer service department to Facebook messenger. So clearly I cannot leave.

Zuck has shown that he will not be any sort of bulwark against the onslaught of mis and dis information coming from the new regime. He's already bent the knee and shown his belly. So clearly I cannot stay.

But I have family that I only "see" on Facebook or Instagram. There are grands growing up that this is the place where pictures and stories are shared. I have family members who would never think to send a text or a letter but do occasionally post about new things in their lives. I would miss all of that. So clearly I cannot leave.

I have friends who are the same way. Some of them have migrated to Bluesky, but aren't as active. And as they aren't leaving Facebook or Instagram they never will be. Some of them live in different countries, or different time zones, or just different circadian rhythms, so connecting in real time is hard. Back and forth writing to be read when we are each awake works. Messenger works for that. So clearly I cannot leave.

My child is trans. I don't have a single picture of her growing up on display in my house. It causes her discomfort to see that little boy looking out at her. She doesn't feel connected to him at all. That's not who she is. But I have different memories of those times. I have a different experience. And on my On This Day page I get to see some of those things. Privately. Just for me. Without hurting her feelings. So clearly I cannot leave.

I have friends and family members who used to be on Facebook or Instagram who aren't anymore. Either by making the choice to leave, or because they are no longer living. I have memories that come up with those people on my On This Day feed. Or under pictures when I go back and look at them. As soon as I delete my Facebook page those are gone. So clearly I cannot leave.

As you can see the clearly I cannot leaves started to overtake the clearly I cannot stays. But it still doesn't feel right to stay. I will say that. I actually hate that I feel tied to the product in the way that I am. It's like tangle weed. The more you struggle the worse it gets.

I tried really hard to make it okay in my head to go. People will either follow me to Bluesky or won't. People will either text or they won't. As far as people who are gone? Well that's a normal part of life, isn't it? We lose friends and family all the time. And when we lose them we lose those old conversations. If we are lucky maybe we have a letter or two, we have a couple from Brent's dad that I treasure. But most of the time we don't.

I don't have any letters or notes from my parents. I have my dad's ring and one of his belt buckles, and his voice in my head telling me how to fix things. I have a few of my mother's owls and her voice in my head and her face in my mirror. We have all of Ann's patient records so I guess if we wanted to break her confidentiality we could go read those. We did see her patient notes on one client and it was pure Ann even as a therapist.

I go between begin grateful that I have the things on Facebook that I have and being resentful that the person/company that owns it is so gross. And it's my fault really. Not that he's gross. That's on him. But that I went along with it all. I even would post about it, free products aren't free. If you aren't being charged for a product you are the product. And I didn't really care. I didn't care that they were advertising to me. I've even bought things from those ads and been happy with them.

But each step in was a warning that I did not heed.

And now I'm a frog in a hot tub choosing to stay there.

Ish.

The ish is that I will not be deleting my accounts. But I won't be posting on them either. At least for now. I might change my mind later, but for now I will keep my posting to Bluesky. I do believe that anything that is on there right now Meta has already mined for whatever they want. I don't trust them or believe them that they will only start on January 1, 2025 after I log in for the first time.

The ish is that I will be using it only to keep up with friends and family and commenting on their things. Using messenger as needed to keep up with them. But my posting will be elsewhere. My new things will be elsewhere. If people want to see what's going on in my life they can follow me there, or read about it here.

Which should, after all this time, actually do that thing I keep trying to do, and reduce my time online. Bluesky is quieter right now. I imagine it will stay that way. Habits are hard to break. And most people don't give a rat's ass about what Facebook will do with their data. Nobody feels important enough for it to matter. And we aren't. Not individually. It's what they can do with large amounts of data from large groups of people that is more worrisome. But... ish.

Facebook has me trapped in a cage I built myself. With posts, photos, conversations, memories. I just can't bring myself to destroy what I've built.

Ish.

But the blog will live here Ghost now, it's honestly a better solution and I should have moved it ages ago. New posts, mostly cat pictures because that's my life, will be on Bluesky.

I'm not leaving.

I'm leaving.

Ish.

Christmas Spiritless

"I'm not sure why I bother."

"Because it's who you are."

"But does it have to be? I mean, I think I've done enough. And nobody really wants me around anymore."

"How can you say that? You're still the face of the whole season."

"Shh, don't say that too loudly or you'll get the 'Reason for the Season' people all riled up."

"They can have their reason, doesn't change that you are the face. Go into any store and there you are."

"No, there he is. That's not me, you know I don't look at all like that."

"Okay, so maybe it's not exactly what you look like, but it's what they think you look like, and it's all you, baby!"

"But it's not me. It doesn't look like me, it doesn't represent who I am. They made me a representation of greed instead of good."

"Greed is good."

"I know you think that's funny, but no. Don't quote movies at me right now. Greed is greed. It's too much. It's grabby. It's rude. It deserves a lump of coal. And not glorious clean coal nonsense. A giant lump of coal, maybe lobbed against a head."

"Oh, hey now, don't let them change you. You aren't the lobbing a lump of coal kind of guy. You're the gentle reminder to do better. You're the embodiment of good will."

"I was. I should be. But nobody wants that. Nobody likes the good guys. They are all in on the villains now. Greedy, grabby, hoarders. They want to be like them instead of despising them. What am I supposed to do about that?"

"Keep trying? Keep reminding them that they can listen to their better angels?"

"Are you saying that because you believe they can be reasoned with or because you know you'll be out of a job if I shut this place down?"

"Look, I don't do this job for the pay. Or the location. Or the hours. I do it because, like you, it's who I am. I was born to do this. It's in my DNA. My family has been here making Christmas happen for centuries, and not just Christmas but my family has been in the midwinter business since, well, since the beginning. There have been Elvens since before there was a Father Christmas. I don't usually pull rank, but you're the face and the figure, we are the whole shebang."

"I know. I'm sorry. That was out of line. I'm just tired. It's been a hard year."

"It has. And I'd like to tell you it's going to get better, but I think we're in for a hard stretch. We've had them before. But that's the time you are most needed. Remember when they were at war with each other and you got them to stop and play football and sing carols?"

"And then the next day they went back to killing each other?"

"Okay, sure, but they remembered that moment. That time where they saw each other as people, and it helped when the time came to lay down weapons. You know it did. It doesn't seem like much to you right now, but they still talk about it. It still brings them hope."

"But is that enough? I mean really. They want the villains, maybe we should just let them deal with it."

"Can you do that?"

"Maybe."

"I don't think so. I think you know you are needed more than ever. A little joy. A little peace. A little hope. They need that now. The ones that will make the change. And maybe you can leave a few lumps of coal laying around to encourage a little lobbing as well."

"Now there is an idea. A little good will and little warning. I think I can manage that."

"I think you can. And I think you have to."

"Alright, you've convinced me. Load up. We're off to spread a little Christmas spirit. As much of it as they'll take. Let's hope it does some good."

Starting Over...

 How's this for a neat trick?

Starting Over

Let me know if it worked. 

Books Chapter 22...

 Books Chapter Twenty One

“You mention briefly in the book that you were estranged from your family. Do you want to go into what happened?”

He smiled his practiced everyone always asks this question smile, “I won’t get into details, but I have talked about the generalities. When I was in college, I made a decision that was the right decision for me. My father did not see it the same way. He cut me off from my trust fund and disinherited me. Which most people have neither of those things, so I don’t expect a lot of sympathy about it.”

“But to be cut off from a fortune like that must have been hard.”

“I don’t view it as hard. At the time I had a scholarship for my schooling, so I was able to live on campus and attend classes. I got a part time job to cover my incidental expenses and I figured out what I wanted to do with my life. In a way it was very freeing. Before he cut me off my future had been planned for me, at 18 when he cut me off, I got a chance to chart my own path.”

“So, you don’t regret it?”

“The only thing I regret is that my father died before we had a chance to reconcile. Though knowing my father I’m not sure reconciliation would have ever been on the table. I did have a chance to be part of my mother’s and my sisters’ lives again I am grateful for that.”

“One more question on this topic, your book is all about being the change in the world, don’t you think you could have had a bigger impact if you had reconciled with your father? The amount of good you could have done with access to that money is staggering.”

“That is the point of my book. You don’t have to have access to a vast fortune or a famous name to affect change. Everyone likes to say be the change you want to see in the world, but what I’m saying is that you already are changing the world. It’s up to you to decide what change that is going to be.”

“You say all of these things, but you don’t have to live them.”

“What do you mean I don’t have to live them?”

“You talk about having influence no matter who you are, and making change from wherever you live but you prove the point that to actually make changes and have influence you need to have more than just a desire.”

“I understand why you would think that…”

“Everywhere you go in this state there is something named for your family. I don’t think a Berranger has ever lived in this town and there are two parks, a street and multiple buildings at the University named after you.”

“Well, first to correct you, I lived here for almost a decade.”

“While attending the University.”

“Yes, while attending the University. And the second point is that those things are named after my family. Not after me. I had to find my own way in the world.”

“Are you saying that being part of the Berranger family didn’t pave those streets for you?”

“Absolutely not. Having a famous last name has opened a lot of doors for me. As has being married to a best-selling author. I’ve used all of those connections at times to have access to spaces where I could advocate for the changes I’d like to see.”

“That is my point.”

“But what you are missing, and I address this in the book, that, yes, I have a famous name and a famous wife, but I also was a TA in college and worked with a lot of people who grew up to have their own spheres of influence that I can now access as well. We all have networking groups. Everyone knows someone. And those people know people as well. Those are your spheres of influence.”

“It sounds like a multilevel marketing scheme.”

“Exactly! That’s exactly what it is. But it’s not marketing as in selling a product. It’s marketing as in selling an idea.”

“I…”

“Again, everyone likes to quote Ghandi, to be the change you want to see in the world. But the point I try to make in the book, and I hope everyone who reads the whole thing takes this away, is that you are already the change. What you are doing right now is the change. What you have to decide is what change you want that to be. Is what you are doing right now what you want to put out there in the world or do you want to do something different?”

“But how much change can you make if your last name isn’t Berranger and your wife isn’t releasing an average of one best seller every other year?”

“I don’t know. Nobody knows. I don’t even know how much change you can make if your wife is a bestselling author, and your last name is Berranger. But what I do know is that you can make a lot of difference in your circle. You can advocate for the things that are important to you. I focus on income inequality. I work with lawmakers to fund affordable housing and scholarship opportunities. But you could be passionate about food deserts, or environmental areas, or peace talks. What is your passion? What difference do you really want to make?

It could be as simple as you want to spread a little more joy in the world and so you make sure to smile at everyone you pass, it could be as complicated as you want there to be peace in the Middle East so you are studying all of the history and talking with people who are familiar with the area and working with organizations that are also headed toward that goal. You speak about it with your friends. You break down the complicated issues into ideas that are easier to understand.”

“Again, how do you know you will make a difference?”

“It all makes a difference. Think about your job. When you are going to interview someone, I bet you have had the experience where the person has come in friendly and open and ready to talk and I bet you have had the opposite. Where they seemed hostile, and they were closed and didn’t want to answer questions at all. Both of those people made a difference that day. And it wasn’t just a one-on-one difference. Sure, they made a difference in how your interaction went but that made a difference in how your audience viewed them. Then that made a difference on if they were going to be asked back on. They might not have intended that to be the difference they made, but it happened anyway.”

“Okay…”

“Think about Bob Barker. He ended every broadcast of The Price is Right with a phrase. Do you know what that was?”

“Something like ‘Please help control the pet population and remember to spay and neuter your pets.’ I think, that’s close anyway.”

“See? That’s a difference. That was important to him, and he took his sphere of influence, which granted was large, and he said that simple phrase and I guarantee you that there are people out there that spayed and neutered their pets because he told them to. But what I’m saying is you don’t need a massive audience to have an impact. If every time you see your friends you tell them that you love them and that they are important to you, you are making a difference in their lives. And because of that difference they will go out and make a difference in other lives.”

“You make it sound simple.”

“It is simple. And it’s also profound. That’s what’s great about it. It’s simple because you just have to decide what you want to put out in the world. And it’s profound because it works. You are the change you want to see in the world, it’s in your hands to act like it.”

“You’ve certainly given us all something to think about.” She turned to face the camera, “If you’d like to read more, Change Is What You Make is available from all major retailers now. Our thanks to Peter Berranger for stopping by today. You can also see him at…”

Books Chapter Twenty Three

Untangling...

I am a creature of habit. Trying to untangle myself from Meta is proving to be more of a challenge everyday. 

I thought I found a way to give blog notifications through this site only to discover that it will only send them to 10 people and, I know I was shocked too, more than 10 people said I want you to send this to me when I posted about it on Facebook. 

So now I'm looking (again) at migrating everything to a different site. Substack is the one everyone uses but Katie has asked me not to. There are some Nazi and anti trans pockets there. I read a few great writers on Substack, and I don't condemn them using it, but I don't go wandering around the site looking for other things. I think every single hosting site has these issues. But when your child says please don't, you don't. 

The challenge is other hosting sites aren't free. Substack is free for the writer unless you monetize your site, then it takes a percentage of that. I don't think I'd ever have a cause to monetize so it would work for that. But again, off the table.

So Ghost io is the one she found for me that has fewer issues. One of the reasons is that it's not free. You are less likely to want to post hate if you actually have to pay for it, right? But my cheap ass is like, wait, I've never paid to post my blog before, now I would have to pay? What? But honestly, of course I should probably have to pay. I mean Blogger has been hosting for free for years. And I understand that part of that is because it's tied to my Google account and so they mine everything I do for advertisers. Google makes plenty of money off of me.

Starting new things is always overwhelming. That's part of it too, I know that. Looking at an unfamiliar layout, trying to figure out how to make it work. But I did copy and paste yesterday's post and sent it out into the world and it worked so that's a good start.

Also have been switching to posting on Bluesky instead of Facebook or Instagram (except for the posts working out how to leave Facebook and letting people know where to find me). That's also different. Not as many people there so it's not as big of a time suck, I will say that. But not as many people there so it's not as interactive. Thus less of a time suck.

It's funny, when Facebook was just starting to hit the mainstream, moving away from just college kids, I had zero urge to use it. All the younger girls in the office had it, from when they were in school, and kept telling me I needed it. I just didn't see that I did. Then when I opened my massage studio Brent set me up a Facebook page for it and a personal one. He thought I should blog about massage as a way to gain clientele. 

That didn't happen, but my personal page started to grow. I was working from home handling the transfer of KFC to the new agency and running my massage studio out of the basement. No co-workers. Katie at school, Brent at work. It was boring. Facebook, and especially the old boards for Mousehunt, gave me a place to socialize. And then I never looked back. 

My massage blog went away, George got his own page, then I set up Totally Random But and it got a page. For along time the joke was how much faster George's page grew than my blog page. But the internet is for cats so what did I expect? After George passed I kept his page up and running for awhile until it really started to bug me that new people were following it even though the first post was about how he died. It seemed really morbid to me. And you know if I think what you are doing is morbid, it's pretty fucking morbid. 

But it's been like sixteen years. 

I'm still not sure I'm leaving. I know I'm limiting my use, no matter what happens. I know I'm figuring out how to change my blog notifications, the censoring really bugged me. But I'm not sure I want to walk away from the people on Facebook who aren't moving to Bluesky. I might change to posting only on Bluesky and Facebook can have all of my old stuff but nothing new. Considering I don't believe for a moment they haven't already helped themselves to all of that. But it would change my usage there to checking in on friends, commenting on their things but not posting anything myself. 

And this is the trap that we are all in. How important is that community to you? Can you replace it somewhere else? Can you move it to real life or to a new online space? For me the challenge is that my community is world wide. And even the people that aren't in another country are all over this one. And it's a big country. 

I'm still figuring it out. And I know the clock is ticking. 

It's funny to me...I built my community through Mousehunt while the whole time Facebook built a better mousetrap, and now I'm stuck. 

Squeak. 

Dear Nancy Mace....

Dear Nancy Mace,

I see you. Bathroom warrior. Protector of women. Endless searcher of a new microphone from which to shout about your fears. About your concerns.

And I understand you.

I have those fears as well.

When my daughter excuses herself from the restaurant table to go to the bathroom and my first instinct is to ask if she wants me to go with her. This, of course, is met with the eye roll that only a daughter can give to her mother. And I know, she's a grown adult woman. She doesn't need me there holding the door. But...

I listen the whole time she's gone. One ear to the conversation at the table, one ear toward the bathrooms. Is that a shout? Is that a thump? I watch as people make their way around the restaurant. Is he a threat? Is he? How about her? Could she not be as safe as she looks?

I worry when we travel. I worry more when she travels on her own. When she and her girlfriends go to the beach for a quick summer vacation. I worry knowing she'll be stopping at gas stations and rest stops and who will be waiting in the bathroom for her? 

I understand that you are afraid. 

I'm afraid too. 

I'm afraid that a white woman with a national stage will announce that somehow where someone pees is a threat to the safety of white women everywhere. She might even cry a little. Look sad. Let one tear go down her cheek as she talks about being a sexual assault survivor. Protect me at all costs, that one tear says. 

But nobody asks if it was a trans woman who assaulted you. We don't need to because we know it wasn't. And yet...that tear. That don't question me armor you just put up...that target you just tied to the backs of women who are just looking for a place to pee.

You are the danger my child faces.

You and your hate and your microphone and your call to arms. 

I understand you. I see you. 

You're afraid of irrelevance and so you make your life about hurting others.
You're afraid if you actually had to have legislative accomplishments you'd never keep your job.
You're afraid that you aren't actually good enough. 

I see you.

I understand you.

I just don't like you. 

Signed, 
A mother who is afraid for her child.

Perchten...

Of course he noticed her as soon as she came in to the bar. Everyone noticed her. She was beautiful. 

The kind of porcelain white skin that made you think of fine china. Or baby dolls. Or breaking things. 

The blue eyes that were like glacier ice. The kind you could stare at for hours before blackening the skin around them. 

The lips as red as a cherry, as shiny as blood.

She was something he wanted to possess. To show off. To prove that he was the top of the heap. He worked hard for everything he had. He had bullied his way to where he was. Cars, houses, multiple ex wives. He had all the trappings of success. Women wanted him and men feared him. Or maybe it was the other way around. Men wanted to be him and women feared him. 

But not all women. Some were brazen like she seemed to be. Meeting his hungry stare without looking away. No deference. It made him crazy. First with lust, then with anger. 

He would have her, then he would break her. 

He thought of how to pursue her. She was beautiful so she had spent her entire life being told she was beautiful. Would she be the type to respond to negging? If he told her she would be perfect if her chin weren't so pointed? Or maybe he could engage her in conversation and pay deep attention to everything she was saying, and once he had gained her trust to start to undermine her here and there. Make her doubt her own intelligence. That would take time, but he was currently single, again, so he had it. 

He wanted to figure out how to get her attention, then make her crave his. 

He wasn't prepared for her to make the first move. He accepted the drink and noted that breaking her would be even sweeter for her confidence. 

He raised the glass to her at the end of the bar and motioned for her to join him. She moved like she was floating. Every head turned to watch her. He noticed that here and there as she would pass a couple the man would shiver. Not all men. But more than a few. 

He noticed things. That's where his power was. He payed attention to the little things. And then used them against people. 

He knew who he was. He wasn't one of those who would say he was a good guy with a good heart. He would say that was what cucks and losers said. The perennial second place finishers. He was a man who did what he wanted because he could. And who was going to stop him? Nobody. That's who. So why be apologetic about it. He was the alpha. He ran this shit. And he deserved everything he had. 

Which would soon include her, a submissive her. He would break her. And then he would leave her. Nobody wants to keep broken toys, afterall. 

She was next to him now and was even more lovely close up. He had never seen anyone as perfect as she was. Not even in the mirror. 

They talked about life, what he did, what he liked, what was important to him. She might have tried to include her own likes once or twice but he was deft at steering conversations back to him. 

And she found him to be as fascinating as he found himself. Or at least she acted that way. And he had no reason to believe it was false. 

When he suggested they leave together she readily agreed. Which only disappointed him a little. He would have preferred that she was harder to get, but he assumed it was part of her confident career woman playset to be a modern woman in charge of her own sexuality. He hated that shit. Unless it was getting him laid like it was tonight, and then it was okay. But he would make her feel less than because of it. Eventually. Just not tonight. 

The walked together toward the parking lot. She stopped to admire the way the moonlight shone on the snow in the woods. He really was going to have to pay more attention to his surroundings. He hadn't even noticed that the bar backed up to a forest when he had arrived that evening. 

She turned to him and smiled. Then he felt the chill around his ankles. A breeze had started. There were flashes of light over the trees, which it seemed to him had gotten closer to where they were standing. Hadn't there been cars over there when they walked out?

He turned back to her again her face was not longer a perfect mask of beauty. Her teeth were now fangs, her hair whipped around her head in coils, her eyes burned like red hot coals in a fire, she threw back her head and called the wild hunt, then turned back to him, and said

Run.

Krampusnacht...

"Are you going out tonight?"

"Eh."

"But you should. I mean you have a duty, right?"

"Eh. They've forgotten me."

"Maybe it's time you remind them?"

"Eh."

"You could team up with him and make a whole evening of it?"

"Eh, he's gotten too comfortable with the costumes and the parades and the kitsch. He's always wanted to have a little of what Nick has and so this works for him. Drunken revelry."

"Maybe if you went out a few times you could get a parade too?"

"You think I want a parade? I don't want a parade. I had a job. I was important. I was feared. A parade..."

"But the parades make some people remember again, that could be good, you used to be remembered."

"Remembered as what? Do you remember what they turned me into? They told stories about me forcing women to weave. To be good homemakers. That I would take my revenge if they hadn't done their chores. They turned me into a judgemental hausfrau. I don't want that to be my legacy. So...eh."

"But, if you go out tonight and show them again who you really are, then maybe it won't be?"

"Eh. Or maybe they will give credit to a storm. Or to an act of god. Their god. Not the gods of old. They won't pay attention to who was taken, they will just rationalize it away."

"But if you don't try..."

"Eh. I'm tired. I'm tired of trying. I'm tired of watching the world cling to rotten men. I'm tired of them being given opportunity after opportunity to turn, and they cling instead. If I did have an obsession with spinning maybe I would make them all spin threads until their hands bled. Just to make them feel something."

"I still think you should go out. Try at least."

"Even you."

"Even me what?"

"Even you have forgotten. Tonight is his night. Tomorrow night is mine. You don't even remember. You have turned me into a "Female Krampus" instead of giving me my own name."

"That's not fair. You often would go with him, in days of old."

"I didn't go with him. I provided the storm that would allow him to move. I did that. I didn't go with him. I didn't ride his coattails. I provide the wind and the snow and the storm. But did he ever go with me on my night? Did he offer his chains in help? No he did not. He worried I might turn on him in the middle of the hunt. See him for what he is and forget what he means to all of us."

"I am sorry. I did not mean to bring offense."

"Go. Leave me alone. See to the hounds. I'm tired."

"I will go. But please consider it. Frau Perchta, the world could use the wild hunt again."

"eh."

Grief Response...

A week ago or so a friend posted a meme that basically said they weren't prepared for how much of your adult life is spent grieving. 

You grieve for those who have died. You grieve for relationships that have ended. You grieve for pets you've lost. You grieve for paths you didn't take, for jobs you've lost. You grieve for opportunities that you either didn't take or that you thought you'd have but didn't.

Nobody talks about the grief. 

Last week I finally decided that yeah, the new terms and services agreement from Meta was more than I was willing to accept. There are three parts to it that bother me. The first is that they control your data forever. They can use it to train AI (written and photo), they can use it in advertising, they can use it however they want to. And, I'll be honest, I think they've already been using my things to train AI. They have to have been. Part of it has been in the open, when you see a summary of comments on a public post, that's AI reading everything and processing it. It's the forever part that bugs me. Because it's paired with the next change. And that's that they can change the rules of interaction at any point and not give you the option to opt out. Your choice ends January 1 as soon as you log in. For ever. 

So if they decide that what they want to do is let tech bros go crazy with replicating AI versions of any user they choose they can. Is that going to happen? Probably not. But could you stop it if it did? Not if Meta decides that it's okay. 

I've had posts go out into the wild and live their own lives. I don't have my settings open to the public so when I make a long Facebook ranty post it's not unheard of for a friend to copy and paste it on to their status. By the way, I LOVE when that happens. Writers long to be read. But that being said I have had the weird thing happen where someone shared a post with me saying, "oh my gosh, this sounds like something you would write!" and well, that's because it was. But it had been copied and pasted and copied and pasted and shared and eventually the person posting it was like, yeah, I'll take credit for these words as if I wrote them, and either my name or the "a friend of mine" part has been lopped off. So I know that it's not completely out of the realm of possibility to see an AI version of my words out there. 

And though I've given up the dream of ever making a living by writing, I still want the credit for what I've written. Because I wrote it. I created it. I formed it. The idea of an AI generated world of words really disturbs me. I get that there are no new stories ever really, just reworkings and retellings of themes, but I don't want to live in a world where that is literally true. Reworked and retold versions of everything that has come before. No new spin, because AI cannot spin. 

And the third part is how quickly they bent the knee to Trump. Ran to Mar-a-Lago and said be nice to me and I'll let you post whatever you want! Who needs truth? We have versions of truth that you can pick and choose from, but we promise to push your version the most! What do you say? Are we buds now? 

As most of you know I had a blog censored during the last election cycle. Posted it to my Totally Random Page on Facebook and got the notice that it had been taken down because it was obviously posted for likes. Um..well, isn't that the point on Facebook? To get likes? If you don't want people posting for those clicks then take it away as an option. And I had a friend tell me it was because the link was in the body of the message and they don't like that anymore so put it in the comments. Which I have started doing. But...again, I always put the link in the body of the message and the only one they took down was a political one. A week before the election. Pro Harris, obviously. 

So it made me give some side eye. 

Because I already believe that this idea that the MSM and social media platforms are liberal is nonsense. They are driven by profit and political ideology always takes a back seat to greed. But greed is more easily fed through unregulated industry. So they tend to favor the republicans, not because they care about the christofascist traits, but because they care about draining every dime they can out of the christofasicsts and the rest of us. Capitalism is their religion, their political affiliation, their life. And they will protect their profits at all cost to us. 

You don't get to own an island or try to colonize Mars by caring about other people. 

So I decided that was it for me. I would download what I could and then delete my Facebook and Instagram and Threads accounts. It's been a long time coming. You all know I've gone back and forth about it for years. But it's always been a case of I think it's bad for me, not just I think it's bad. 

I am sure this will surprise you, but I can be fairly rigid about things and people. Once I've decided that they are "bad" I'm done with them. It's sometimes a little hit or miss what I will and won't tolerate, a lot has to do with when the offense happened, how direct of a line of offense it is, and if I am somehow supporting continuing harm by ignoring it. (And yes, I was being facetious, I know you all know I can be really rigid) So this stopped being about me and my use or overuse of a product and about them and what I think they are doing with my data and what I think they are doing with their product and new loyalty to Trump. 

Easy enough. 

But then...

This is where it gets tricky. Where they have me by the short and curlies so to speak. 

My social life is online. Like the majority of my interactions with people are online. I'm an introvert. Sitting face to face with someone makes me uncomfortable. And I spend days afterwards regretting something I said, or the fact that I talked for four hours and kept them from enjoying the rest of their day. If it's a group, a large group where I have to be social? Oh my gosh, I need a quiet room and soft lighting for a week to recharge. But online? Online I play an extrovert. I am social. I read everything everyone posts. I like things. I comment. I converse. I'm GREAT online. (To the point where people are shocked that I'm such a dud in real life)

I've been on Facebook for something like 16 years. I've never held a job for that long. I've never had a social circle that has been that stable for that long. I've cultivated it with people from my past mingling with people I've never met face to face. I've got friends online at all times of the day because they live in all parts of the world. And yes, before Meta became an ad factory it was easier to connect, but I still can. There are still enough of us here that it's still lovely. Mostly. And when it's not I just leave that person's party. 

I started looking at messaging apps because once I leave Facebook I'm losing access to Messenger as well. What's App seems like it will work but it's also own by Meta so there is that problem. If I could get everyone to download Signal that would be great, I can't send you a message from Signal if you don't have Signal yourself. So that's been a challenge. International messages is what I'm looking for here. 

So challenges but it will all work out. Especially if I can get everyone on Bluesky. 

And then...

The grip tightened. 

My On This Day feed. 

And the grief part from the beginning of this very long blog gets revisited. 

I've lost friends and family in the 16 years since I joined Facebook. Friends and family that were on Facebook while they were alive. And so when I'm looking at a post from years past there they are. Commenting. Telling a joke, posting a picture. Being there. My memories of the them. I get to see them again and again. They live on online. 

Even today there was a picture of George that popped up. Now I have that picture in my files, sure, but I don't have the caption, what was happening at that moment. I don't have the reactions to that post. I lose that as soon as I delete my data.

I lose the posts from friends. I lose the comments and conversations. I lose all of it. And for a few of those posts the people in them aren't coming back. They won't be on Bluesky or in my messages. They are gone. This is the only place they still exist. 

I have a few days to decide if I can do it. Push that button and let all of that go. 

Nobody warns you how much of your adult life is spent grieving. 

Christmas Gifts

Christmas Gifts

What do you want for Christmas?
He asked her every year.

She would say
Nothing

Tell me what you want most.
Wrapped in paper with a bow

She would say
Nothing

A book? A dress? New shoes?
Tell me and I will get them.

She would say 
Nothing

Just tell me what you want
He would practically beg

She would say 
Nothing

So every year he would get her
A book, a dress, New shoes

And she would smile
And say thank you

And wish for nothing

 

Last Push...

November wrap up and December look forward!

November was another fast one. Which isn't surprising. I've talked about how this is the downhill portion of the year. And with Brent on sabbatical for the full month and the Disney trip in there it was a fast month. And a surreal one. 

I talked in October about how difficult doing my Thirty Days of Thanks was in 2016 and that if we had a repeat it would be impossible. Well, it wasn't impossible but it for sure wasn't easy. It's hard to be thankful when you are feeling so resentful. Which is, of course, part of the reason for doing things like Daily Gratitude and Thirty Days of Thanks. They are attitude shifters. Focus changers. It's hard to hold on to anger and joy at the same time. Hard to hold resentment and gratitude in the same hand. 

Which is why I held them in different hands. But I still held on to both. 

There is going to be a part of me that is angry until/unless we break out of this spiral. I'm not interested in reconciliation. I'm not interested in seeing it their way. I view it as that part of the voting population committed the offense, so why should the part that I'm in be expected to patch it over? If someone wrongs you, you are under zero obligation to patch things up with them. Zero. 

So..yeah...the Thirty Days of Thanks was a challenge. But I did it. 

That's kind of how large parts of November felt. Challenging but I did it.

Workout went well. Kept on track with weights and cardio. The Disney trip we walked around 10 miles each day so even the buried in churros portion didn't really cause a weight challenge. Apparently you can eat like that if you are constantly on the move. And to be fair, we snacked a lot, but we snacked as our lunch and dinner. We didn't eat like that AND have full meals. So as irresponsible as it looked, and it was, it wasn't as bad as it could have been. And totally worth it. 

Speaking of weight and fitness, I get my thyroid retested in a couple of weeks so I will know where that stands. Also have an appointment with a new gyno at the end of the month so I'll talk to them about my hormone treatments as well. Getting those last minute medical things checked off right before we reset our deductible for the new year. 

Reading, I need to finish four books by the end of the year to meet the goal I set. Not going to be a problem. 

Writing, I've talked about that, figured out how many fiction pieces I need to write to meet last year's super productivity. I think I'll be able to do it. Not positive, TFG winning the election did put a bit of a crimp in my creative flow, but I'm working through it. 

I did Picture of the Day even though the prompts never did grab me. This month a few of them look fun, Christmas themed mostly, so I'll probably wrap the year up with that. 

Starting to think of what I want to do next year and I wrote a little about that already. It's a challenge. I'm also looking at seeing if I can get everything transferred off of Facebook before the T&Cs change January 1 and they start using all of your stuff to train AI. And own the rights to use all of your stuff in perpetuity. I'm trying to decide right now how big of a deal that is to me. Zuck going to Mar A Lago to kiss the ring is making it seem like bailing is the right choice, for sure. 

Katie gave me the name of a blog hosting site (Substack is convenient but has a neo Nazi and Anti Trans problem so she's asked that I not use it) that I might switch to instead of posting here and then on Facebook. It would be like Substack in that if you want my blog you sign up and it shows up in your inbox. I'm thinking I might make the switch. 

So December will be a big thinking month. What changes do I want to make for 2025? What goals do I want to set? What do I need to do to wrap up the ones I set for 2024? How do I make sure to hold on to the gratitude and joy in my life while my country crashes? 

Oh and also I will be bummed when Brent's sabbatical ends and the reality of him not taking the retirement package really hits. 

Merry? Christmas to us all...

We'll work on it. 

Books Chapter 21...

 Books Chapter Twenty

Gloria looked out over the area she had set up for the signing. It was going to be the largest public event they had ever held in the bookstore. It might even be bigger than the largest private event.

She smiled to herself thinking about that day. It wouldn’t have been for everyone, and a lot of people probably thought it was corny, but it had been perfect.

Instead of flower arrangements there had been books with flowers in the title lining the aisle. There was a place of honor near the front for the first book she had ever recommended to Jade and the first book they read together. Adele had performed the ceremony while their friends and family looked on. And at the reception everyone had left a book recommendation or quote for the newlyweds.

The day had been perfect.

But it would have been perfect no matter where it had been held or what the decorations were.

“What are you grinning about?”

Gloria turned and smiled ever wider, “Thinking about the last big event we held here. It was really a great day.”

“Just the start of them, right?” Jade wrapped an arm around Gloria’s waist, “I love you and I’d love to reminisce all day, but we’ve got to get a move on if we are going to be ready on time.”

“You’re right. What else do we need?”

As they paused to look around the store the phone started to ring.

“I guess we need to start with the phone!”

“Books on Main, how can I help you?”

“Hello! Hello! I hope I’m not too late to wish you good luck today!”

“Adele! Hi! No, not at all. We are setting up right now, but the main event doesn’t start for a while. Just getting the book table set up and trying to figure out if we’ve forgotten anything. Did you happen to leave a check list anywhere?”

“Ha! Oh, you know better than that. Each event is a little different and in all the years I owned the place we never did a signing as big as this one will be. You got the exclusive for one of the presumed bestsellers of the year. I mean, that’s incredible!”

“Well…”

“You still got it. That’s what matters. Since you will have the store open for regular business as well the biggest challenge is going to be your queue. Think about how you want it to wrap so people aren’t blocking the rest of the store. But also try and get the line to go past some shelves of related books, you never know how many extras you’ll sell.”

“Brilliant as always. Thank you.”

“You’d have thought of it too. Trust me, your instincts are good, and all of the years of experience working with the world’s greatest bookseller has prepared you.”

“You drinking out of that mug right now?”

“I am. I’m thinking about taking it into the local pottery shop and adding the word Retired.”

“Consulting. Not retired. You promised us you’d stay a consultant when you sold us the place.”

“I did, and I have consulted today and earned my title. One last piece don’t forget to have fun and to soak in the moment. Signings are big days for you and even more so for the authors. This is their dream coming true. And you get to watch it. It will fill your tank for those days when the books aren’t selling, or the shipment is late, or the tax bill is due.”

“Thank you. I will try my best to relax into the event once it starts.”

“Love you girls, I’ll check in tomorrow to see how it went!”

“Love you too, thanks for calling.”

Books Chapter Twenty Two

What Do You Think Of Yourself?

I got blocked on Facebook this week. 

To be fair I told the person who blocked me "Fuck you" and unfriended them first, but still, I thought it was funny that I then got blocked. 

And it's not the first time someone has blocked me after I've unfriended them. I always wonder what the point is. Is it a way of getting the last word? Is it a way of claiming some sort of power in the situation? Like if you unfriend someone you can always send a friend request later, but if they block you only they can lift the block. It makes me wonder what's going through their head when they do it. 

It made me think of when Corrie and I were driving in to Toronto a few years ago. We were going to meet people that neither of us had ever met face to face. To be fair we had only met each other face to face that day. But anyway...we were driving in to Toronto and Corrie said, "I hope everyone likes me." I laughed because I was thinking, "I hope I like everyone." 

It summed up our ways of looking at the world. I, and I know this sounds harsh, but I could give a shit if you like me or don't. I know I'm not everyone's cup of tea. I am a strong cup of coffee and it's best that the people around me realize that. For the coffee lovers I can be exactly what you need; I can be a little bitter and somewhat of a jolt. But I won't ever be tea, I'll always be coffee and it's just best that the tea lovers realize that and move along to a different cup. 

I am who I am. 

It's nice to be liked, but I am past the point of trying to fit in to make it happen. 

Corrie is probably at this point now. This was about 15 years ago and that sort of Fuck 'em if they don't like me, attitude tends to come with age for most people. Some of us it comes earlier, but it almost always comes for everyone eventually.

So why did getting blocked make me think of that drive into Toronto? 

Because I decided that they blocked me because we have so many mutual friends it would be awful for them to see me making hilarious comments on those posts and know that I don't speak to them anymore. It would be too painful to them to realize that they fucked up having me in their life so they have to pretend I don't exist anymore. It's really the only thing that makes sense. 

Because I'm fucking hilarious and to miss that...well that would be a real shame. 

Tea drinkers, am I right?

Things That Help...

Remember how I talked about how we kept some of the things from the pandemic? 

Today I was able to attend a funeral through an online feed. That's pandemic carry forward. When people were dying in large numbers and we also were not able to join together for things like funerals. Virtual funerals were held. 

When my mother died my niece held up her phone on a video call for one of my nephews to see what was happening. That was pre pandemic. We would never have thought to set up a live stream, or a zoom call, or Microsoft meetings, or any of the tools we all use now fairly regularly to connect with others. Either for work, or socially. It was just an "old fashioned" video call. And there were people there who thought it was the weirdest thing, and a few who thought it was disrespectful. But it was the only way he could attend so they made it happen. 

I attended a few funerals virtually during the pandemic. And a few remembrances. Things that weren't the funeral, more like the wake. And as the time went on we all figured out how to make them work. The first one was a zoom call very early on, and it was a bit of a mess. I'd never done a zoom call, and a few others hadn't either. This was our first exposure to the way people had been having work meetings for the past few months. It was challenging, but we figured it out. 

Today all I had to do was click a link from the funeral home and there was a camera set up for viewing, and microphones set up to hear the proceedings. 

I'm glad that the option was there. If it hadn't been I would not have flown in for the funeral. I was friends with the deceased but we weren't close friends. We were friendly, a touch more than acquaintances. He made a difference in my life, I was grateful for the help he offered, and for the silly jokes we shared. But my presence wouldn't have meant much to his family, I don't think. In the "before times" my name would have been one on a condolence card where they asked themselves, do you know her? And at some point maybe a mutual acquaintance would say, oh yeah that's...

But instead I could attend the funeral, stand at the back, say my goodbyes, and leave quietly. 

Funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living. And I was glad to get a chance to hear his family speak. To listen to people who loved him describe the person that I thought I knew. To smile at the music choices and the reading that meant something to him. (Nine Inch Nails, a passage from Ready Player One, and Guns N' Roses) I was glad to have a chance to say goodbye. 

But all that being said, I am not having a funeral. 

I don't want to put Brent though it. It wouldn't mean anything to me, and I know it would be overwhelming to him. Most of my friends are scattered across the country, and a few across the world. They could do a livestream, like today, but even that would be a lot for Brent to deal with during a time when you don't want to deal with anything. 

I've told people, and I'm telling you now, to honor me I want you to lift a glass and toast my shoe and boot collection. Mention how young and thin I always looked. Talk about a moment where I made you laugh at something completely inappropriate to laugh at. And then say goodbye. Those are my wishes. 

So sad day for me, but nothing like what his family and close friends are experiencing. And also a grateful moment for me that I could be there, without being there. 

Rest in peace, gentle soul, love to your wife, to your children, to your siblings and parents. May they find moments of calm in the storm that they have been hit with.

Goals Schmoals...

Okay, maybe not but...

I'm having a hard time thinking of what I want to focus on next year. A large part of that is that I am not optimistic for the future. Not in a I'm having a depressive swing way, but in a I think the world as we know it is not going to last. 

Everything that Trump campaigned on doing, all of the things that people and the media tried to sanewash away, or he didn't do it last time justify, he's putting in motion to do. He's announced tariffs on China, Mexico and Canada so absolutely everything we buy is going to go up in price. He's putting Project 2025 Heritage Foundation Religious Extremists in to positions of power. He's going to have all three branches of the government under his thumb so there will be no restraints on him. 

I know it's going to be bad. I just don't know exactly how bad just yet. 

I told Brent this morning I've given up on the idea that I want to live to be 100. That's always been my end goal. The goal to rule over all of the other goals. But I think if Social Security and Medicare are destroyed there is no way to afford to live to be 100. I think if we destroy the environment at an accelerated pace there is no way to survive to be 100. I think once the billionaire class has stripped everything of value out of the United States, which is what they are being set up to do, there will be no desire to live to be 100. 

I also know that over the next stretch parts of my head will just normalize all of what is going on. We all will to a certain extent. It's the only way to make it through things like this.

Look at what we did during the pandemic. How quickly it got to be normal to stay inside most of the time. To grab a mask before you went inside a store. Or to the doctor. Ordering groceries online. Making substitutions on the fly for things that weren't available. We all adjusted pretty quickly. We adjusted so well we even kept some of those changes after we didn't need them anymore.

It's a survival mechanism. That adjusting thing. 

So I know that we will normalize and adjust as well as we can. Though I think part of it this time is going to be willfully ignoring as much as possible. I just don't think my system can handle the stress of paying attention all of the time. 

Like I said, I'm not optimistic about the future.

I'm not optimistic about the survival of our democracy.
I'm not optimistic about the survival of a free world. 
I'm not optimistic about the future in general.

So I'm having a hard time thinking about what little goals I want to set for next year. I know I need them to keep my head from spinning but what do you work on when you are pretty sure nothing really matters anymore?

And I know, I know it sounds like I'm in a depressive spiral, but I assure you I'm not. It's not that I feel like there is nothing out there for me, it's that I feel like what we've all just assumed will be there for all of us is going away. That the structures and systems we rely on are going to be torn apart. Because that's what that group has said they want to do do. To blow up the whole system. To take what they can for themselves and fuck everyone else. If you aren't rich it's because you aren't worthy so fuck you...

It's like pessimistic realism instead of depression. 

I don't know how bad it will be or how quickly it will get there, but I know it's going to be bad and I'm not sure we recover. 

So that's what I'm trying to push out of my head while I think about what 2025 might be for me personally. What I want to do for me and my head alone. 

The one thing I can say is that I have firmly decided NOT to do the half marathon. If the Maleficent medal was for the 10K race I would do it. But I just don't want to run a half marathon. Training for it sounds like the worst possible way to spend the next few months. About an hour is the longest I want to run/walk at a stretch. After doing like 10 miles each day wandering around the parks I told Brent imagine adding 3 more miles to this, and trying to get it all done in less than 3 hours. Yeah...no. 

I'm a slow jogger. I like being a slow jogger. I still get enjoyment out of the workout doing it that way. Upping it to a half marathon, I think, would squash that. 

And I think that's going to be the focus of any goal I set next year, how does this bring me joy or peace? 

Reading, writing, working out, those all bring me joy or peace in some way. As long as I set them up in realistic amounts. 

The world is going to be shitty. Let's not add things to that voluntarily. 

So those will be the goals. Or the goal theme. 

Let's make our own worlds, our pockets of the world, as pleasant as possible. 

Now I just have to decide on specifics. 

First: NO half marathons

Childhood Fears...

She was a grown ass woman and still couldn't sleep with her closet door open. 

Before she turned out the lights in her bedroom she had to make sure the closet door was closed. Tightly. No cracks. No gaps. If she could figure out a way to weather strip it without it getting snagged along the carpet she would. Airtight. That would be best. 

And if she somehow forgot to turn out the light inside the closet before shutting it up and turning off the bedroom light? There would be no sleep that night. She couldn't just turn on her bedroom light, open the closet door and shut off the light. She would instead lie in her bed paralyzed with fear. Convinced she had turned off the light, she ALWAYS turned off the light after all, and that there was something in there ready to pop out. 

When she was a teenager she stopped going on sleepovers because it was too embarrassing to admit to people that she needed that door shut before they turned out the lights.

As an adult she had ended relationships with people who didn't understand that the closet door being shut was a nonnegotiable. Including one very public break up when the man she had been dating for a few months thought her fear of an open closet door was a hilarious anecdote to share at a dinner party. She had gotten up from the table and told him he could find someplace else to sleep that night and every other night. Then she had left.

She might be afraid of an open closet door but she was not afraid to stand up for herself. And as she explained to a girlfriend when she shared the story, it wasn't about the closet door at that point, it was about him mocking her fears. It didn't matter if her fear didn't make sense to him, it still wasn't a joke to tell at parties. 

Once in her twenties she was visiting a friend who lived in an old Victorian style house. She had apologized profusely that there was no closet in her guest room. None of the rooms had closets. She had been acquiring armoires for each space but the guest room still didn't have one. It was the best night's sleep she could ever remember having. 

If she ever bought a house she thought it would be a Victorian like that. No closets would end up being a selling point for her. But for now she was a renter and every apartment had closets. Including the one she was in now. A giant walk in closet. 

A friend who knew her phobia suggested turing the closet into a dressing room space. Take the door off completely. Put a small dressing table in there instead of clothes. If she could think of it as a different space maybe that would be better? Like her Victorian dream house. But she knew it would still be a closet. You couldn't just unmake a closet. 

It wasn't rational. She knew that. It was a room like any other room in her apartment. Or even less of a room really. No windows. Just the one door. One overhead light. That she always turned off before she shut the door. Always. 

But no matter how much she told herself it was a silly fear she still was terrified. 

Lying in bed. Seeing the light through the crack around the door. Listening to the soft knocking. 

Books Chapter 20...

 Books Chapter Nineteen

Gloria was busy shelving books and didn’t notice when Jade walked into the store. Jade stood near the door and watched her for a few minutes. There was something about the way she held the books that was almost poetic. Like they weren’t objects but the actual stories, the actual living breathing stories of lives.

“Oh, for fuck’s sake, Jade, stop it.” She thought to herself.

Right at that moment Gloria turned and saw her. “Jade, hi, thanks for stopping by. I wasn’t sure you would.”

“Yeah, Ellie called and sort of explained what happened and said you’d like to talk to me as well. So here I am.”

“Here you are.” Suddenly Gloria was feeling very unsure of herself. She had planned out what she was going to say to Jade in her head a dozen times but now that she was here everything seemed so stupid. So overdone. She had behaved badly, and she was just embarrassed.

“Okay, well this is getting uncomfortably awkward.”

Gloria laughed a little, “It is, and that’s my fault. Again. I just don’t know what to say except I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I thought the worst of you and of Ellie. And I’m sorry you got dragged into a really weird and not at all typical moment with us.”

“I’m not going to lie, it was weird.”

“It’s hard to explain. I think it’s because Ellie and I have been friends forever basically and I think we started to rely a little too much on assuming the other one would know what we were thinking. And then we filled in a lot of our own doubts when we should have just talked to each other.”

“That’s pretty close to what she said. And I just ended up swept up in it.”

“You did. And I’m really sorry. And if you still want to, I’d really like a second chance at getting to know you. We could still go see that exhibit together?”

“Well, I went and saw it on my own, but I could go again.”

“Honestly? I went as saw it on my own as well so…”

Jade laughed. “How about coffee? We could go get a coffee?”

“That sounds like a great idea.”

From the back of the shop Adele called out, “You can go right now. Take the afternoon off. I’ll see you tomorrow. Not that I was eavesdropping on your personal conversations just a coincidence that I heard that last part.”

“You heard the woman. I have the afternoon off if you are free?”

Jade smiled, “I am.”

Coffee turned into dinner, which turned into a long walk, which turned into talking all night, which turned into breakfast the next day, which turned into Gloria almost being late for work. As far as second chances went it was a good one.

Books Chapter Twenty One

Sabbatical Trip #2...

Trip #2 (what was supposed to be #3 before we got slimed) is in the books. 

Hawaii was a little disappointing, or as disappointing as Hawaii can be because it's still Hawaii. How was Disneyland?

It was great. 

Because it's Disneyland. 

And Disney at the holidays is amazing. And I mean pretty much any holiday. Easter is probably the most underwhelming, but even Easter has hidden Disney character eggs around the park you can look for and some pretty springtime decorations. The Fourth of July fireworks are incredible, above and beyond their normal fireworks which are pretty spectacular. 

But Halloween and Christmas are next level. The amount of detail they put into the decorations is amazing. The special events and showcases are fun. Christmas takes the edge because to really enjoy Halloween to the fullest you need to do the Oogie Boogie Bash and that's an extra ticket and a limited amount of time. Christmas is all day, everyday, with bonus extras in the fireworks and World of Color shows. 

We went this week because it's the first full week of Christmas being open, and also the lowest attendance levels. We've been closer to Christmas and holy smokes it was packed, like close the parks because they've reached capacity packed. This week was busy, and each day closer to the weekend was busier than the day before, but crowded to really crowded instead of you are going where this crowd moves you crowded. 

I've written before about one of the things I love about Disneyland is that every type of person goes to Disney. Goths and girlies. Families and singles. Disney adults and Disney toddlers. Families, like the WHOLE family, grandparents, aunts, uncles, all the kids. Nothing makes me smile more than seeing a fully tatted, pierced, over dyed black hair, combat boot wearing, person wearing a Disney t-shirt waiting in line for Pirates. Or Soaring. Or Toy Story Mania. I just love the contrast. 

I wear my Disney stuff, of course. Old school Disney merch, or my Maleficent collection. Brent has a few things as well. Because it makes me smile. It's like a rock concert where you wear the t-shirt from their last tour. Or going to a sporting event and wearing the team jersey. You are marking yourself as a fan. I wear my Disney stuff outside of the park as well. It makes me happy, and if it's a Maleficent t-shirt gives Brent a heads up on my mood. 

Before we left Brent said, "I wonder how many MAGAs we will see?" I told him I wasn't sure, but maybe they wouldn't wear the stuff because it's Disney, he said, "It for sure won't be zero."

Waiting in line to play Toy Story Mania and he leans in ands say, "I told you. Whole family." I look over and across the line from us is a family, Dad, the two older boys, the younger kids (boy and girl twins) are all in Trump shirts. Mom is in a Disney sweatshirt, but the rest of them wearing the stuff you see in pictures from his rallies and think...surely this cannot be something they really wear? The (guessing) 15 year old boy was wearing a shirt with a much thinner than he really is Trump standing in front of the White House with "Daddy's Home" printed on it. The 17 or 18 year old boy was wearing one with multiple pictures of Trump on a horse (thankfully not shirtless like Putin but, I mean, they know that's what it's supposed to be like right?) The Dad's was a list of grievances on the back with Trump Will Fix it! with Trump holding a hammer on the front. I couldn't see what the younger kids' were exactly, just could make out the hair. 

Now you know when they picked out their shirts it was to get a reaction. They were going to own the libs for sure. Trigger some snowflakes. Drink some liberal tears. And I'm not sure what their whole day was like, I know they got more than a few eye rolls in line (more than just from me) but nothing else. If that's all they got all day I bet they were really disappointed. Because they want a reaction. There is no joy in the win for them. It's your loss that they savor. It always feels like they don't actually know what they want, they just know they don't want you to have something. 

Heather Cox Richardson just wrote an update that showed that people now think the economy is better. A few weeks after the election, no change in administrations, but now it's better. Why? Because they aren't constantly being told how lousy it is. Because the republicans know that they want people to think it's great starting the end of January so they need to lay the groundwork. They can't steal credit for the positive outcomes if they don't start now. 

But I know that even before that people were saying they were so worried, but a good amount of people were not. How do I know? Because we just went to Hawaii and Disneyland and we weren't there by ourselves. Now, for sure, it's possible that everyone paid for Hawaii on points and miles like we did, but it's not plausible. And Disney? They don't play that shit, you are paying for their stuff with cash. Sure the flight you can do on miles, but park tickets? No, no thank you, that's real money. And if you stay in a hotel at the park, not one of the ones close to the park, you aren't using points either. And the Grand Californian was full.

And none of that is cheap. And if you are worried about putting food on the table you don't take trips like that. 

Brent and I both have had to travel for work during lean economic times and airports were not full of families, it was business travellers. Hotels were not bustling with kids at the pool, it was strictly conferences. If you really are struggling, you don't do extras. And when the country is really struggling tourism suffers. 

Are some people struggling? Sure. Absolutely. But is paying more at the grocery store slowing down major purchases for a large chunk of the population? Apparently not. The country is not struggling. That is the difference. And now that the election is over you won't hear as much about it at all. Except for maybe a few people who seem to think that they will be better off under the billionaire brigade. 

We aren't sure how many more trips like that will be in our future. One of the things Trump has said he wants to repeal is the CHIPS act. Intel is already struggling (as I've written about) and that could be an unsurvivable blow to them. Which leaves us not taking the retirement package because we needed Brent to be able to work for another few years at least to not having a job and also not having that voluntary retirement package. We'd be screwed. But we'd figure it out. I've been out of the workforce for a long LONG time but retail and food service are almost always hiring so we'd scrape along. But we would not be going to Disney or Hawaii. Because when you are scraping, you aren't splurging. 

That's the reality we are looking at. 

But for now? The world is ending and we went to Disneyland where I ate my weight in churros! Which was a trick because the more you eat the more weight you have to eat your weight in...Man I love churros. 

Disney did not disappoint. It rarely does. 

One more trip left. 

Three and half more weeks of sabbatical left.

It's been lovely so far.