Step by step...

Grace walked slowly to the table. Jeremy was already there, fidgeting with the packets of sugar. Spinning them between his fingers like he always did when he was nervous. "Good," she thought, "let him be nervous."

When she reached the table he stood quickly and they both paused for a moment unsure what to do next. Shake hands? Hug? Nothing? She moved first and sat down at the table waving him back toward his empty chair.

They made small talk for a little while. A very little while. Grace knew why he had asked her here, friends had been calling her asking if she had her "meeting" yet. Telling her how theirs had gone. She had been expecting it ever since she had word from his sister that he had gone in to rehab. And that he seemed to be taking it seriously this time. 

Finally he took a deep breath and started his speech, "I know I've done horrible things to you. Treated you poorly. Damaged our relationship. I am working very hard at taking the blame for my actions and working to be a better man. I am here today to ask for your forgiveness." The whole time he had been saying his piece he had been looking down at the table, as soon as he finished he looked up in to her eyes and smiled. 

Grace smiled back. But it wasn't the warm welcoming smile he had been hoping for. It was the cold smile, the one where the light didn't quite meet her eyes.

"That's your standard apology right? From when you first started working your steps? What is this one? Eight? Nine? There is the one where you make a list of everything you did, then the next is to try and make amends. I am guessing that I'm almost last on your amends making rounds right? You started with the easy ones and worked your way down? Who is after me? Your sister? I think maybe that would be the last."

"No, you were the last on my list. Ellen was before you."

"So you figured I would be the hardest? Even more than her?"

"Ellen came to see me while I was in rehab. We talked in some family sessions. Started laying the ground work earlier. You and I don't, didn't...haven't..."

"We haven't spoken since I left. The last thing you said to me was, 'leave, bitch, you never loved me anyway, you don't even know what love is, you uptight cunt.' You know, in case that didn't make your list. I mean, it's been a few years so I wouldn't be surprised if you didn't remember."

"I understand you are still mad at me, I did and said awful things. But those are in the past and..."

"I'm going to cut you off there, Jeremy. I almost didn't come here today. I knew what you wanted to say. I've spoken with a few friends who you already met with and they all told me about your apology. What you said, how you said it. And it was the one I got. The same one. What did your list look like? Was it all hurt Bob's feelings. Said something mean to Jeanine? Was the list the same? Or did you really think and put effort in to what you did?"

Jeremy looked down at his hands, "I got as specific as I could. It's my list. I put in what I remembered. I would imagine you have a longer list you could write down and give to me." He was trying not to sound petulant about it but not quite succeeding.

Grace smiled again. "I could. You are right. Here's the thing, Jeremy, you wrote down what you remembered. The nights you would get completely blasted and then send me text after text about how horrible I am? How I don't care about anything or anyone? Or about the cute girl down the bar from you who was giving you the eye? See, the next morning you had a choice, you got to read the texts or delete them. Because you didn't remember sending them. And if you did read them you only read a few before you deleted, because you were drunk and hadn't meant anything by them. How many times have you already apologized to me for what you said while you were drunk?"

"I know I did. But I'm working on changing. I haven't had a drink in 6 months..."

She cut him off again, "I'm sorry I'm all out of applause and chips for you today. I need to tell you one more thing before I lose my nerve. You were my first true love. I had never let anyone get that close to me before. I had never felt so deeply about someone before. And when you started drinking and wouldn't stop? It crushed me. And then when you started taking it out on me? Every drink you had, every failure that it led to because you were drinking and nothing and nobody was important enough to you to stop? I left, not because I stopped loving you but because you were determined to crush that out of me.  If I hadn't gone when I did I knew I would lose that piece, that piece of my heart that was yours. And I didn't want that. I always want to be a little in love with you. In spite of what you've done to stop me. But the one luxury you have that I don't? I was always sober. I never had the option of not reading, of not remembering. Yes, Jeremy, my list is probably longer than yours. But that's my list. 

Now I would suggest you call your sponsor or hit up a meeting. Because though your steps encourage you to make amends, to give your apologies, they should mention that not everyone is going to accept them."

With that Grace got up from the table.

She took a few steps toward the door and then turned back around, "I'm not ready to forgive and forget, Jeremy, but I do wish you health and strength and success."

Then she walked out. 

The waitress came over to the table to offer Jeremy a refill, "Bad meeting?"

Jeremy gave her a half smile, "Better than I expected, actually." As the waitress walked away he opened his cell phone and punched up "Lifeline" on his autodial.